Scrambled Eggs

Yes, I said it! Scrambled Eggs! Eggs are an issue in our house. They are fabulous sources of protein that sit in their little box until they go bad. None of us can bare to eat them anymore but we always seem to need them to go into something else...so I keep buying them. We made Natalia scrambled eggs all the time...with salsa. They were easy for her to pick up and chew. They gave her a great source of energy and she loved them. She could eat them even when she couldn't eat anything else. Sophia now cries when one is put in front of her and God forbid if it has salsa on it, then the tears don't seem to stop. I have to smother mine in something else so you can't really tell it's an egg and Edgar can not crack an egg into the pan.

The point of that was that littlest things get you in the heart. All without you realizing it until the dust settles.

I have entered the anger stage of grief. How do I know this...because I'm ticked at God. I haven't stopped talking to him...well I'm not really currently talking, more like ranting and raving at him. Who else has shoulders big enough to handle all my anger?

My list of mad: that Natalia isn't here for us to hold, that I can't see her growing up, that she can't play with her sister, that I can't hear her belly laugh, that so many other children are getting this horrible disease, that there is very little funding for childhood cancer research, that other kids are dying from the same thing and there is no relief in site. I was even ticked for a bit at all the awareness/funding/research for Breast Cancer Awareness Month when September's Childhood Cancer Awareness hardly got any notice except for those who have been through that battle. I got over that one because without Mamas there wouldn't be babies. Cancer just sucks and I am mad at it! When I get mad, I get frustrated and then end up crying, which makes me even madder. I am mad for feeling guilty about moments of happiness. I am mad that my soul aches from missing her so much. I am mad for making Sophia sad when she catches me crying.

Sophia is doing well. I was so proud of her last month. She finally got up the courage to go down the street and introduce herself to the other kids in the neighborhood. Sophia usually has to be prodded out of her shell and then her diva will come shining through but lately that has not been an issue. Over the past month and a half I have really begun to see the girl that Sophia was becoming before Natalia got sick come back out. The girl who didn't have a shy bone in her body and was prepared for any situation. That girl went into hiding for a while but is now coming back out with pieces of Natalia thrown in. There are moments that I see Natalia shining right through her and I have to stop and catch myself before I start crying all over her. I am constantly amazed at this girl we are raising. I know that she would have been a different person if Natalia never would have gotten sick. She feels peoples emotions so much now and is very careful to make sure everyone is included in her fun. While she is more thoughtful and still gets that frightened look in her eyes at the thought of Edgar or I going somewhere without her, she never lets you forget that she is indeed...a diva worth being the center of attention.

That's it for now.
Much Love, Roni