This post will probably make little sense. I just feel the need to say some STUFF. Maybe if I do it will help the funk that I seem to have gotten into.
**I hate having to tell people that Natalia has died. The people that know I have 2 girls and are just questioning their welfare. They don't know...they certainly don't mean harm. I love the fact that they remember and care enough to ask after the girls. It just shuts me down and brings waves of pain to have to say the words. I hate the look in their eyes and the knowledge that they now feel guilty for having asked an otherwise perfectly wonderful question.
**I dream...it used to come almost every night...now just once in a while but is getting more vivid with each visit. I walk into our bedroom where Talia is laying while my parents are talking to her. I feel her and she is not breathing. I go to the doorway and yell for Edgar in a voice that doesn't sound like mine. He grabs her up and cries. I lay beside her just touching her. I see the firemen and police come into the room to make the call as I lay next to her. Then I feel her spirit rise up, rush through me and out the window. The feeling made me jump up and the verticles at the window were moving. She was gone...no longer in our care. I wake up feeling like I have just had to say goodbye again. While I know she is with God and no longer in pain, my heart still hurts.
**Just cause...stupid people iratate me...I know I need to show patience and I am sooo much better at not opening my mouth but COME ON...how do they even survive the day?
**Things happen...butterflies appearing and fluttering around me when I need that extra lift in the day. A white dove that seems to only come to the building by my office when I just want to crawl back under the covers and hide from the world for a little while. Talia's favorite songs on the radio when your driving around feeling down. Things that say no matter what she is still here for us.
**I cry a lot lately for no apparent reason...sucks...I hate to cry...gives me a headache and ruins my makeup. I stopped wearing mascra on my bottom lashes when Natalia first got sick. A fellow blond cancer mom told me about doing this...still have the top on so that it looks like I have some lashes without the racoon look.
**I love that Pia is growing to be strong and independent. I could do without the attitude and mouth that seems to be coming with it...but for the most part she makes me so proud. She told me she was holding hands with sissy while we walked out to the car this morning.
That's all I can think of now. I guess it is enough.
Much Love,
Roni
Friday, August 21, 2009
Friday, August 14, 2009
OMG Kindergarten
Miss Sophia is ready for Kindergarten. She went this morning for her assessment test with Mrs McMillian. She did fabulous!! I was so proud of her. She rocked it. She was so proud of herself and eager to start at Weldon. August 24th can not come fast enough for her. I can not wait for her...I also don't want her to go...my baby is starting school...we're getting old...she's getting old. Next it will be driving and dating...thank God we know a lot of officers...with flashlights...who are real big...and look real mean. LOL!!!! Poor teenage Pia.
This morning was also hard for me. I had to go back into Natalia's old kindergarten room and look at where she used to sit and learn. I was great as long as I focused on Sophia but then when I let my eyes wonder, memories would hit me. They are wonderful, happy memories. I just miss her so much. I think having Sophia in the same room will be good for all 3 of us. Sophia will be surrounded by teachers that knew her sister and, something huge for Pia, if Natalia did it first...then it was ok for her to do too. She is not afraid to walk into the classroom and do her thing because Talia was there first and showed Pia that everything was awesome.
Something just to make everyone smile...Sophia is insisting that she needs to lose a tooth. She is after all 5. Sissy lost 4 teeth while she was 5 and some of her friends at school have lost their teeth. When are her teeth coming out! The tooth fairy needs to visit our house and bring her some cash for her teeth now!
Much love,
Roni
This morning was also hard for me. I had to go back into Natalia's old kindergarten room and look at where she used to sit and learn. I was great as long as I focused on Sophia but then when I let my eyes wonder, memories would hit me. They are wonderful, happy memories. I just miss her so much. I think having Sophia in the same room will be good for all 3 of us. Sophia will be surrounded by teachers that knew her sister and, something huge for Pia, if Natalia did it first...then it was ok for her to do too. She is not afraid to walk into the classroom and do her thing because Talia was there first and showed Pia that everything was awesome.
Something just to make everyone smile...Sophia is insisting that she needs to lose a tooth. She is after all 5. Sissy lost 4 teeth while she was 5 and some of her friends at school have lost their teeth. When are her teeth coming out! The tooth fairy needs to visit our house and bring her some cash for her teeth now!
Much love,
Roni
Saturday, August 8, 2009
What a Week
This week was both incredibly fun and incredibly painful...read on!
All three of us have been missing Natalia terribly bad these past couple weeks. Not that we don't always miss her...we just usually do a better job of coping with all the emotions that go with it. I think a lot of it had to do with the anniversary of our Cancun trip. It was an amazing time in our lives with so many intense emotions attached to it. We are doing a better now.
On to the fun...I got a phone call from Make A Wish on Tuesday morning asking if we would like to go to the Jonas Brothers concert. Well, all of you parents to young girls know the JO BROS....Talia thought Nick was hot, and Pia thinks Joe is toooo cute. So Wednesday night off the 3 of us went to see the Jo Bros. It was great to see that Edgar was not the only father that was attending. My God, the absolute volume that girls can be when in mass. Jordan Sparks opened and Pia was in heaven. We only stayed until 9pm...Sophia was tired. She had her final swim lesson of the season that afternoon and was extremely tired but boogeying with the best on them. Jan Thomas and Pia's coach, Christine, were amazing. Pia has mastered 5 stokes...front & back crawl, front & back breast stroke...and butterfly. She just glides through the water. She got her medal and a DVD of her showing off all her moves. She will be back next season. (Jan Thomas...expensive...yes, worth it...priceless. This place is amazing in the way they can teach kids to swim.) Back to the concert...she danced and laughed until the 2nd Jo Bro song then she just completely pooped out. Edgar had training all last week...therefore, working days...he was exhausted from the schedule change...tons of screaming girls...time to go. We got to see about 5 songs...All I can say...Jo Bros OK...Jordan Sparks AMAZING!
The painful part....WARNING glass water globes(for plants) are dangerous to your health. Wednesday morning, yes concert day, I was filling the office globe and putting it back into the plant when...my thumb went right through the glass. I ended up getting 4 nice deep stiches at the base of my right thumb. AND a tetnus shot...sucked big time. The spot where I got the shot hurts more then the stiches, that is until I do something stupid with my right hand.
Much Love,
Roni
All three of us have been missing Natalia terribly bad these past couple weeks. Not that we don't always miss her...we just usually do a better job of coping with all the emotions that go with it. I think a lot of it had to do with the anniversary of our Cancun trip. It was an amazing time in our lives with so many intense emotions attached to it. We are doing a better now.
On to the fun...I got a phone call from Make A Wish on Tuesday morning asking if we would like to go to the Jonas Brothers concert. Well, all of you parents to young girls know the JO BROS....Talia thought Nick was hot, and Pia thinks Joe is toooo cute. So Wednesday night off the 3 of us went to see the Jo Bros. It was great to see that Edgar was not the only father that was attending. My God, the absolute volume that girls can be when in mass. Jordan Sparks opened and Pia was in heaven. We only stayed until 9pm...Sophia was tired. She had her final swim lesson of the season that afternoon and was extremely tired but boogeying with the best on them. Jan Thomas and Pia's coach, Christine, were amazing. Pia has mastered 5 stokes...front & back crawl, front & back breast stroke...and butterfly. She just glides through the water. She got her medal and a DVD of her showing off all her moves. She will be back next season. (Jan Thomas...expensive...yes, worth it...priceless. This place is amazing in the way they can teach kids to swim.) Back to the concert...she danced and laughed until the 2nd Jo Bro song then she just completely pooped out. Edgar had training all last week...therefore, working days...he was exhausted from the schedule change...tons of screaming girls...time to go. We got to see about 5 songs...All I can say...Jo Bros OK...Jordan Sparks AMAZING!
The painful part....WARNING glass water globes(for plants) are dangerous to your health. Wednesday morning, yes concert day, I was filling the office globe and putting it back into the plant when...my thumb went right through the glass. I ended up getting 4 nice deep stiches at the base of my right thumb. AND a tetnus shot...sucked big time. The spot where I got the shot hurts more then the stiches, that is until I do something stupid with my right hand.
Much Love,
Roni
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Fear
What do I fear the most?
After the past year, I don't think too much phases me. I worry about some things but I know that I have the love, strength and support to get through them. What do I fear...people forgetting Natalia. She will always live through us that knew her but the world is a fickle place and what was news one day is all but forgotten the next. I think that is, in part, why we are now going out and doing more things...because we are a family unit and the more good we are able to help do the more Natalia is honored.
Sorry, maybe I am just PMS'ing this week. Thus feeling more weepy! Thus having lots of not pleasant thoughts that I know do me no good. Funny how the mind works. But all I had to do was write it down and already I feel better. Those of us that had the privledge to know Talia know she was unforgetable! Oooo Yeah!
On a great note...Rumble to the Summit 2010 here we come. Edgar has bought a motorcycle and is practicing so we can ride in it next year. It didn't even take 3 months to begin to realize that goal. Rock On!
Much Love,
Roni
After the past year, I don't think too much phases me. I worry about some things but I know that I have the love, strength and support to get through them. What do I fear...people forgetting Natalia. She will always live through us that knew her but the world is a fickle place and what was news one day is all but forgotten the next. I think that is, in part, why we are now going out and doing more things...because we are a family unit and the more good we are able to help do the more Natalia is honored.
Sorry, maybe I am just PMS'ing this week. Thus feeling more weepy! Thus having lots of not pleasant thoughts that I know do me no good. Funny how the mind works. But all I had to do was write it down and already I feel better. Those of us that had the privledge to know Talia know she was unforgetable! Oooo Yeah!
On a great note...Rumble to the Summit 2010 here we come. Edgar has bought a motorcycle and is practicing so we can ride in it next year. It didn't even take 3 months to begin to realize that goal. Rock On!
Much Love,
Roni
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Music, Memories & Moments
The power of a song...probably the most powerful song for Edgar and I is Hannah Montana's "If We Were A Movie". Songs hold memories like treasure boxes. Natalia used to sing this at the top of her lungs. When we took her to Children's Hospital that first day, I sang her this song while we waited for her MRI to begin. We would all 4 sing this at every opportunity. Now I can't separate it from her illness. The thing is...it not only brings the hard to bear memories but the incredibly happy ones as well.
I very recently bought a portable hard drive and backuped all the family photos and videos from all our computers. Niether of us have been able to watch the videos...kind of like tearing the scab off a wound. I mean there she is talking to you and you can't put your arms around her. I had to check to make sure they had transfered ok to the hard drive and it seemed that every one I checked she was singing "If We Were A Movie". I loved hearing her voice but it also cut to the bone.
Pia started Kindergarten next month. The thought of buying her backpack brought Edgar and I to tears...no new backpack for Talia. Pia was beside herself...this time it was for real. She has bought them in the past just because if sissy was getting one so was she. My mom and I took her to the Disney Store because I was told they also had the matching lunch boxes. She put some effort and thought into looking...Princesses and Tinkerbell are too baby...she's sooo grown up. In the end Wizards of Waverly Place was choosen.
I guess that's it for now. There is just so much stuff going through my mind lately that it is hard to get all the pieces together and write them down.
Much love,
Roni
I very recently bought a portable hard drive and backuped all the family photos and videos from all our computers. Niether of us have been able to watch the videos...kind of like tearing the scab off a wound. I mean there she is talking to you and you can't put your arms around her. I had to check to make sure they had transfered ok to the hard drive and it seemed that every one I checked she was singing "If We Were A Movie". I loved hearing her voice but it also cut to the bone.
Pia started Kindergarten next month. The thought of buying her backpack brought Edgar and I to tears...no new backpack for Talia. Pia was beside herself...this time it was for real. She has bought them in the past just because if sissy was getting one so was she. My mom and I took her to the Disney Store because I was told they also had the matching lunch boxes. She put some effort and thought into looking...Princesses and Tinkerbell are too baby...she's sooo grown up. In the end Wizards of Waverly Place was choosen.
I guess that's it for now. There is just so much stuff going through my mind lately that it is hard to get all the pieces together and write them down.
Much love,
Roni
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Life Changing events...no not right now
Do you ever think back on moments that changed your life forever? Yesterday was one of those for me...well the whole family. July 10th will always live in my mind as the day that open our eyes to the world around us. One year ago we were told that the radiation and chemotherapy treatments that Natalia had been undergoing had not worked...the tumor was growing and she had two months to live. To say we were devastated is an understatement but what God breaks down he rebuilds in stronger, better ways. We solidified in our minds that we were going to take the girls to Cancun...and poof...Shelly from Make A Wish calls me before I can ask Mom to find the post it on our bookshelf at home with Shelly's phone number on it. When Natalia was released from the hospital we began to jump at chances to experience all life had to offer us. We came out of our "well, lets wait for things to get better" mindset. There is no let's wait and see in life. Every moment is an experience, every person you meet is a wonder. How much sheer wonder and joy is in the world when strangers offer you comfort and help in your moments of need? Can you be that person that brightens someones day? Just think...you have already brightened our world just by reading this blog. You have no idea how much just writing this helps me cope with everything that has happened. It brings focus and allows me to build a game plan for life. We now, as a family, seek out ways to help others like we were helped. Why...because even though our world was coming down around us, the foundation for a different world was being laid. Do I still cry everyday missing Natalia? Yes!!! Do I make a conscious effort to stop? Yes, I do! I have another child who needs me more then I need cry. There is a world out there just waiting for us to take an active part in.
So say it with me now...THERE IS NO WAIT FOR THINGS TO GET BETTER...LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE NOW BEFORE THERE IS NO MORE NOW! Open yourself to the world around you and see the miracles that happen. Small miracles are the biggest joy there is in life and they happen every day.
Much love,
Roni
So say it with me now...THERE IS NO WAIT FOR THINGS TO GET BETTER...LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE NOW BEFORE THERE IS NO MORE NOW! Open yourself to the world around you and see the miracles that happen. Small miracles are the biggest joy there is in life and they happen every day.
Much love,
Roni
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Thoughts of the Day
I hope everyone had a good 4th of July. We spent ours at a block party. Sophia had a total blast because they had a bounce house water slide & tons of kids for her to play with. When the sun went down everyone gathered around and the fireworks were lit. Sophia "got over" watching them after the first 20 minutes...can you say to tired to sit still? My mind went back to last year at this time...Natalia had just finished radiation treatments and we had to wait to see what the results would be. She had to spend the last few sessions in the hospital because they had lowered her dexamethazone too much and she had swelling in her brain. When they got home we didn't go out because she was too tired and physically unable. This year...I could hear her giggles in my head...and why not she could see all the fireworks everywhere. And you know what? It's ok...it beyond sucks that she is not here...I cry when I hear her...but then her warmth washes over me and I hear her ooo yea and it's ok.
These moments have been happening quiet a lot. I took Sophia to see the circus last week. I spent almost as much time watching her as I did the performance. I kept thinking Talia would have loved this and then total warmth filled me and I knewn...she is loving it through us. She is so much a part of us that there is no beginning and NO END. She will always be with us because she is part of our hearts and souls. No matter what we do she will always be a huge part of it. She will ALWAYS be there. Does it suck beyond belief that I can not physically hold her...yes it does, that will ALWAYS hurt...but she pushes us to go on because that is what she was about. Whenever I start to get really sad these flashes of her go through my mind. Listening to music and crying then a flash of her during her last few weeks sitting on the couch bopping her head and moving her hand to the the beat just jamming out. Her completely, make no sense, knock knock jokes...still make me smile.
What brings all this up...last week had very high highs (the circus and 4th) and very low lows...I packed Natalia's clothes away. I purposely did it like I normally would. I put all the pieces Sophia would grow to fit into boxes and put the stuff that would not stand the test of time(ie would not be "fashionable" in 2 years)into a bag for charity. And then there were the pieces that will be forever hers...that was the hard part...yeah, serious breakdown. But I finished it...then went to the gym. Edgar presented me with trainer sessions so that I would get myself back into the gym and do something for myself. The gym is his solice. When he breaks a sweat it helps him clear his mind...he wanted the same for me. My trainer laughed and said if someone gave her sessions as a gift she might have to hit them but once I explained she laughed and said he was right on. Well, after packing her clothes away, I spent an hour on the treadmill with Lady Gaga and then had no desire to eat my weight in chocolate...which had been my first inclanation after packing Talia's clothes. The next low was our first grief group meeting...lots of pain...lots of anger...so not where we are at...and that brings us pain and anger. Everyone deals with death in their own way and it is a messy emotional process. I think because we dealt with so many of these emotions while she was alive and knew she wouldn't make it we have moved past the anger portion of the grief process. The pain...I am not sure I am ready to deal with others concentrated pain. We'll see. I also think having this blog and being able to write my feeling out have been huge in healing. Pain...forever...focusing it to be of some use...getting there.
Much love to you all,
Roni
These moments have been happening quiet a lot. I took Sophia to see the circus last week. I spent almost as much time watching her as I did the performance. I kept thinking Talia would have loved this and then total warmth filled me and I knewn...she is loving it through us. She is so much a part of us that there is no beginning and NO END. She will always be with us because she is part of our hearts and souls. No matter what we do she will always be a huge part of it. She will ALWAYS be there. Does it suck beyond belief that I can not physically hold her...yes it does, that will ALWAYS hurt...but she pushes us to go on because that is what she was about. Whenever I start to get really sad these flashes of her go through my mind. Listening to music and crying then a flash of her during her last few weeks sitting on the couch bopping her head and moving her hand to the the beat just jamming out. Her completely, make no sense, knock knock jokes...still make me smile.
What brings all this up...last week had very high highs (the circus and 4th) and very low lows...I packed Natalia's clothes away. I purposely did it like I normally would. I put all the pieces Sophia would grow to fit into boxes and put the stuff that would not stand the test of time(ie would not be "fashionable" in 2 years)into a bag for charity. And then there were the pieces that will be forever hers...that was the hard part...yeah, serious breakdown. But I finished it...then went to the gym. Edgar presented me with trainer sessions so that I would get myself back into the gym and do something for myself. The gym is his solice. When he breaks a sweat it helps him clear his mind...he wanted the same for me. My trainer laughed and said if someone gave her sessions as a gift she might have to hit them but once I explained she laughed and said he was right on. Well, after packing her clothes away, I spent an hour on the treadmill with Lady Gaga and then had no desire to eat my weight in chocolate...which had been my first inclanation after packing Talia's clothes. The next low was our first grief group meeting...lots of pain...lots of anger...so not where we are at...and that brings us pain and anger. Everyone deals with death in their own way and it is a messy emotional process. I think because we dealt with so many of these emotions while she was alive and knew she wouldn't make it we have moved past the anger portion of the grief process. The pain...I am not sure I am ready to deal with others concentrated pain. We'll see. I also think having this blog and being able to write my feeling out have been huge in healing. Pain...forever...focusing it to be of some use...getting there.
Much love to you all,
Roni
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