Yes, if she is accepted Sophia will be off to camp at the end of the month. It is a camp for kids whose siblings have died from cancer called Camp Hope. She would go on Friday and return on Sunday. It will be the first time she has ever been away from us that she hasn't stayed with family. The camp offers swimming, an adventure course and tons of fun for the 6-16 crowd. She is so excited about doing this...I just hope it lasts. She gets really excited about doing something new but then when it's time to take part she shuts down and completely does not want to do it. I think this stems from Natalia having to try everything first...only then was it ok for Pia to do. I sent off the paperwork this morning for it...so prayers please.
Much Love,
Roni
Friday, April 2, 2010
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
What to Say
Well, first off the anniversary. I intended to work through it and try my best not to really acknowledge it as a major date. The cold I picked up from everyone in my office and Sophia had other ideas. I spent Thursday afternoon and Friday aching with the head cold. Thank you to everyone who called or texted us on Friday. It meant a lot. I can not believe the year has passed without Natalia physically present with us. I feel her presence everyday I just can't touch her. That hurts bad but I was prepared for the feelings of loss on the 26Th so it wasn't like her birthday when I fell apart. Sophia and I watched High School Musical 3 that night(one of the last movies Natalia saw in the theater) while Edgar went to the Strikeforce event at the Savemert Center.
A huge thank you to everyone who came to our Housewarming on Saturday. It was so incredible to be able to share our blessings with you all. To give you all our heartfelt thanks for being there with us through our ups and downs of the last couple of years. We were finally able to have most all of you in one place and let you know how important you have been in our lives. Thank you for your support and warmth that helped us to survive and thrive despite the odds. It meant more to us then you can know, to be able to open our home and share. It was the balm for our souls during what might have been another time of grief. Natalia would have loved it...in fact she did!
Much Love,
Roni
A huge thank you to everyone who came to our Housewarming on Saturday. It was so incredible to be able to share our blessings with you all. To give you all our heartfelt thanks for being there with us through our ups and downs of the last couple of years. We were finally able to have most all of you in one place and let you know how important you have been in our lives. Thank you for your support and warmth that helped us to survive and thrive despite the odds. It meant more to us then you can know, to be able to open our home and share. It was the balm for our souls during what might have been another time of grief. Natalia would have loved it...in fact she did!
Much Love,
Roni
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Some Anniversaries Suck
March 26th is looming in the air. Friday will be the one year anniversary of losing Natalia. Thank you God that this one is SO FAR not hitting as bad as her birthday. Maybe it is because we had those weeks leading up to her death to resolve ourselves to it. Losing her hurt beyond belief but we were at peace about letting her go. It is much easier to face her death then it is her birth. I was prepared by fire for her death. I had eleven months to come to terms with the fact that my oldest baby was not meant for this Earth. She was meant to be with God and was just completing what she had been sent to this Earth to do. I still cry about it. I still have to take that moment and Breath Deep when I pull out some of her clothes out of the "next in line" (sounds better then hand me down) box. Right now that is what crushes me the most. Natalia was 5 when she wore these clothes and I can see her in them as plain as day when I hold them up. Memories come crashing down around me and Sophia finds me in her closet balling me eyes out. The good thing is that Pia knows that it is happy memories that are making me cry. Pia calls these clothes her "PUNK" clothes because Natalia always called her punk. The "PUNK" clothes make her happy because it shows her how much she has grown. That she is getting bigger bigger like sissy. The minute Sophia puts one of the pieces on it becomes hers. She just wears them so differently then Natalia did and it adds yet another happy memory to help ease the bad ones.
Puppy update...we've had Coco for 2 weeks now...she is already as tall as Redd and is sooooo Edgar's dog. When I say bed time Redd shots straight up to his bed...not Coco. She won't go to bed until Edgar does. She'll even come downstairs when he gets home at night for cuddle time. Redd just looks down the stairs to be sure it's him then goes right back to his bed. Our biggest problem right now...Edgar dug up the area for our patio yesterday...I'm sure you can guess the dogs favorite place to play. What was I doing when he was digging? I was shampooing our carpets!!!!! Needless to say there is a towel by the back door and BOTH dogs get wiped down from head to toe. Redd is also teaching Coco the art of home protection at which he exceeds. His bark is deep and mean sounding...she sounds like a squeek toy with serious game. His growl is vicious and frightening to behold...she sounds like a squeek toy, with teeth that can do serious damage poking out. I give her another month before she is taller then him but he will still have her beat in length and muscle. The great thing with the size of our yard is that Redd has become majorly fit and now, so will Coco.
Much Love,
Roni
Puppy update...we've had Coco for 2 weeks now...she is already as tall as Redd and is sooooo Edgar's dog. When I say bed time Redd shots straight up to his bed...not Coco. She won't go to bed until Edgar does. She'll even come downstairs when he gets home at night for cuddle time. Redd just looks down the stairs to be sure it's him then goes right back to his bed. Our biggest problem right now...Edgar dug up the area for our patio yesterday...I'm sure you can guess the dogs favorite place to play. What was I doing when he was digging? I was shampooing our carpets!!!!! Needless to say there is a towel by the back door and BOTH dogs get wiped down from head to toe. Redd is also teaching Coco the art of home protection at which he exceeds. His bark is deep and mean sounding...she sounds like a squeek toy with serious game. His growl is vicious and frightening to behold...she sounds like a squeek toy, with teeth that can do serious damage poking out. I give her another month before she is taller then him but he will still have her beat in length and muscle. The great thing with the size of our yard is that Redd has become majorly fit and now, so will Coco.
Much Love,
Roni
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Life Happens
Well, I am once again gainfully employed. I got an awesome job. Natalia was whispering in God's ear, helping make sure that this opportunity came about. I am the new Assistant Director of Career Services at Kaplan College-Fresno. I am extremely excited about this challenge. Our department assists students in finding employment after they finish their course study. We give them the tools they need to find jobs throughout their lives. I love it! A huge plus are the hours...can't beat 8-5 M-F. It is very important to have a set schedule when your husband has a rotating schedule. That way Sophia's life is not upset.
I do have a lot to say...I just can't figure out how to say it right now. And as I don't feel like crying overly much this evening it will have to wait. Pia is having a bad "Missing Sissy" night. Sophia doesn't get hit hard often with them but when they do massive tears fall and it just breaks your heart in millions of pieces. She is so happy 95% of the time that the sad times are intense.
Why Sophia is the balance in all this:
Papa "Sophia stop whining. There is nothing worse then you whining!"
Sophia "Yes, there is. I could be crying!"
Princess Pia..."I'm not a baby or kid. I'm a half adult."
Much Love,
Roni
I do have a lot to say...I just can't figure out how to say it right now. And as I don't feel like crying overly much this evening it will have to wait. Pia is having a bad "Missing Sissy" night. Sophia doesn't get hit hard often with them but when they do massive tears fall and it just breaks your heart in millions of pieces. She is so happy 95% of the time that the sad times are intense.
Why Sophia is the balance in all this:
Papa "Sophia stop whining. There is nothing worse then you whining!"
Sophia "Yes, there is. I could be crying!"
Princess Pia..."I'm not a baby or kid. I'm a half adult."
Much Love,
Roni
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Hibernation
Hibernating seems to be the best way to describe what I have been doing these past two months. Part of me is disappointed in myself for just hanging out in the house and not doing much outside of it. Not calling on friends and getting out and doing more to explore Fresno like I thought I would be doing during this time off. I know that I have isolated myself and don't know how to get out of the cocoon I have made around myself. The other part of me knows that I needed to do just that...take time out to curl up in a ball of pain and let it flow out. To be able to allow myself to let go of emotions without anyone around to show pity or sympathy. Either of those would cause me to suck the emotions back in only to choke on them later. When Natalia first got sick we made the decision that Edgar would be her main caregiver while I continued to work. We both took a short time off when she passed away and then went back into life at full speed. This time off has helped calm my emotional roller coaster. Yes, I still water up every day but now it something that a deep breath can usually handle. My lows aren't as low or as long and my highs don't feel forced.
The current storm of a "first"...It was a year ago that Edgar and I were in our kitchen in the wee hours of morning coming to a decision. We could see that the chemo was no longer working. Natalia was losing her battle with brain cancer. Her little body was beginning to fade and it was finally too much. It was time to stop the treatments. It was time to let her go. It was time to give her body the same dignity that her spirit had always inspired. Her smile and her thumbs up never left her but the pain was becoming too much for her body to endure. In a perfect world it is a decision that no parent should have to make...the decision to let your child die. God helped us to find the strength to make the decision then helped us stay strong throughout her final month and half. I have no guilt from this choice because it was the absolutely right thing to do for her. We loved her enough to let her go. She got to spend that time at home with her family and friends. She was NOT stuck in a hospital that she hated. She was not surrounded with grief. We could see her spirit getting closer to leave her body and while it hurt us it brought comfort to know she was spending more time in God's presence. But no matter what I still hate the phrase "actively dieing". It is the state that the body systems are shutting down but the spirit is still holding on. Natalia spent 2 days "actively dieing". Hibernation has helped because I honestly don't know how I would have coped with the "firsts" if I was more involved in the outside world. Hibernation has allowed me to feel things in the moment and not to have to suck it up and wait...usually heading for an emotional explosion.
However, I do believe I have had enough of hibernating. If you have any ideas on fun things to do or other interesting ideas, please let me know. Edgar has made sure I don't feel like a total loser by just hanging around the house. Yes, I do a lot to keep our lives running smoothly that I don't even realize I do most of the time. When I start to feel depressed he reminds me of all these things which makes me love him all the more. Then, of course, there is Sophia. She is the balance in all this. Yes, Edgar and I both say this a lot because she is simply Pia. Sophia is a force of nature and will always keep us on our toes. I have interviewed for a job that I would really, REALLY like to do. It appeals to me because it would be a new challenge every day and I do like to be challenged. Now I need to wait because of bump in the transfer road of the woman whose position I interviewed for. Hopefully things go well for her, then I will get my second interview to wow them. So please prayers!!!
Much Love,
Roni
Friday, February 5, 2010
Monterey Pics
"I'm here Sissy!!!! Come play with me!!!"
Natalia's Birthday
Pretty Pia
What can I say? He was having fun in the sand.
Natalia's Birthday
Monterey was incredible! We found some peace again. Thank you God and Natalia for providing awesome weather.
We discovered Olalieberry pie at Casa de Fruita on our way…OMG you all need to try this stuff. It is a hybrid berry and is incredible warmed up with ice cream. If you have never stopped at Casa de Fruita, please give it a try. It is the perfect rest stop on Hwy 152 between Los Banos and Gilroy. They have restaurants, shops, playground, merry go round, train and other fun things for the family to do. Edgar and Sophia rode the merry go round before we hit the final leg of our journey. I almost had major freak out moment when two little girls with the same haircuts as Pia & Talia at the same age (approx 2/3) stood in line for their turn on the merry go round. Sucked that one up quick…because Sophia is the balance in all this and with her laughing and dancing on the back of the horse I could hear her sister laughing at her as well.
The weather was perfect…well…not for kite flying…no wind at all. We all played in the played in the surf Saturday and ended up soaking wet. While the water wasn’t warm it wasn’t freezing either. We 3 had a blast chasing the waves in and out. Our room faced the ocean so we could really hear the surf and just looking out at the Bay helped sooth our souls. We walked around Cannery Row and Fisherman’s Wharf that night before having an awesome seafood dinner. Yes, these areas are tourist traps, but they are fun and we have always enjoyed them.
Sunday…Natalia’s birthday…the morning was hard, really hard. I couldn’t make up my mind about anything and I couldn’t stop crying. I missed her so bad it felt like my soul was being torn apart again. Like losing her all over again. I kept seeing birthdays past...OMG labor and delivery. I felt like I was going out of my mind and nothing seemed to be helping. I think Edgar and I were torn between popping each other and grabbing on and holding tight. Finally we went upstairs to the hotel restaurant and had a wonderful breakfast. Calm came over me and so did the plan for our day. We started off at the Aquarium…the new sea horse exhibit is amazing. We spent a lot of time at the Open Sea tank. For those of you who have never been to the Monterey Bay Aquarium, the Open Sea tank is incredible. Six foot long tuna swim with sharks, sting rays, sea turtles, sun fish, schools of mackerel and barracudas. All while you stand in front of this immense wall of water and new age music plays in the back round. You will never think of a can of tuna the same way again. We walked around Cannery Row again and Pia had her face painted. Then off to Pino’s for gelato…one of our favorite places. It is on the promenade just up from Fisherman’s Wharf. Did I mention the weather was incredible? Then back to the hotel so we could play on the beach. My Mom brought rose petals to throw into the ocean for Natalia. This time I put Pia in her swim suit and off into to ocean we went. We threw the petals into the surf while we all played in the waves. Edgar tried valiantly to fly the kite but there was no breeze at all, just beautiful sunshine. Have I mentioned that it was SUPPOSED to be in the high 40’s with 80% chance of showers? We wanted to have dinner at the Fishman’s Wife in Seaside but it was closed, funny thing is that we passed Natalia’s favorite Chinese restaurant on the way…Edgar and I grinned at each, yes Natalia would prefer Chinese for her birthday dinner. The Happy Dragon has great, inexpensive food. The highlight of the trip that still has me chuckling…picture my husband who can bench press 385lbs, has biceps the size of my thighs(and I am not a small woman) and is a physically imposing man. Our waitress (might weigh 105lbs soaking wet) begins to remove the plates from our table, looks at Edgar’s plate and tells him, in a stern voice, to finish his broccoli before she will take his plate…and he did. We were all cracking up about it. It was a wonderful day! Just what Natalia ordered up for her family. Because you know what, Natalia would have told him to finish the broccoli too.
It is still hard. I dream with almost perfect clarity days gone by with Natalia and then wake to find her not there and can’t get back to sleep. I keep trying to finish putting together our front bedroom where we just put all the “what I am going to do with this” boxes. Well in most of them are memories. With Sophia most, if not all, of her pictures are on computer. With Natalia, all of her pictures until she was 2 are all hard copy. So with every box are pictures of my beautiful, laughing baby girl followed close by Mama having an emotional meltdown. But I found a picture yesterday that just calmed me in the middle of the storm. I don’t even know what about the picture stopped the meltdown. Natalia was about 1 ½ old in a blue sweater showing off her top and bottom teeth with that sparkle in her eyes. I just wished I had found it before the major headache that comes with the crying jags hit but…The picture just seemed to say to me “what are you doing Mama?” I woke up this morning feeling much better.
One day at a time…each moment a miracle.
Much Love,
Roni
We discovered Olalieberry pie at Casa de Fruita on our way…OMG you all need to try this stuff. It is a hybrid berry and is incredible warmed up with ice cream. If you have never stopped at Casa de Fruita, please give it a try. It is the perfect rest stop on Hwy 152 between Los Banos and Gilroy. They have restaurants, shops, playground, merry go round, train and other fun things for the family to do. Edgar and Sophia rode the merry go round before we hit the final leg of our journey. I almost had major freak out moment when two little girls with the same haircuts as Pia & Talia at the same age (approx 2/3) stood in line for their turn on the merry go round. Sucked that one up quick…because Sophia is the balance in all this and with her laughing and dancing on the back of the horse I could hear her sister laughing at her as well.
The weather was perfect…well…not for kite flying…no wind at all. We all played in the played in the surf Saturday and ended up soaking wet. While the water wasn’t warm it wasn’t freezing either. We 3 had a blast chasing the waves in and out. Our room faced the ocean so we could really hear the surf and just looking out at the Bay helped sooth our souls. We walked around Cannery Row and Fisherman’s Wharf that night before having an awesome seafood dinner. Yes, these areas are tourist traps, but they are fun and we have always enjoyed them.
Sunday…Natalia’s birthday…the morning was hard, really hard. I couldn’t make up my mind about anything and I couldn’t stop crying. I missed her so bad it felt like my soul was being torn apart again. Like losing her all over again. I kept seeing birthdays past...OMG labor and delivery. I felt like I was going out of my mind and nothing seemed to be helping. I think Edgar and I were torn between popping each other and grabbing on and holding tight. Finally we went upstairs to the hotel restaurant and had a wonderful breakfast. Calm came over me and so did the plan for our day. We started off at the Aquarium…the new sea horse exhibit is amazing. We spent a lot of time at the Open Sea tank. For those of you who have never been to the Monterey Bay Aquarium, the Open Sea tank is incredible. Six foot long tuna swim with sharks, sting rays, sea turtles, sun fish, schools of mackerel and barracudas. All while you stand in front of this immense wall of water and new age music plays in the back round. You will never think of a can of tuna the same way again. We walked around Cannery Row again and Pia had her face painted. Then off to Pino’s for gelato…one of our favorite places. It is on the promenade just up from Fisherman’s Wharf. Did I mention the weather was incredible? Then back to the hotel so we could play on the beach. My Mom brought rose petals to throw into the ocean for Natalia. This time I put Pia in her swim suit and off into to ocean we went. We threw the petals into the surf while we all played in the waves. Edgar tried valiantly to fly the kite but there was no breeze at all, just beautiful sunshine. Have I mentioned that it was SUPPOSED to be in the high 40’s with 80% chance of showers? We wanted to have dinner at the Fishman’s Wife in Seaside but it was closed, funny thing is that we passed Natalia’s favorite Chinese restaurant on the way…Edgar and I grinned at each, yes Natalia would prefer Chinese for her birthday dinner. The Happy Dragon has great, inexpensive food. The highlight of the trip that still has me chuckling…picture my husband who can bench press 385lbs, has biceps the size of my thighs(and I am not a small woman) and is a physically imposing man. Our waitress (might weigh 105lbs soaking wet) begins to remove the plates from our table, looks at Edgar’s plate and tells him, in a stern voice, to finish his broccoli before she will take his plate…and he did. We were all cracking up about it. It was a wonderful day! Just what Natalia ordered up for her family. Because you know what, Natalia would have told him to finish the broccoli too.
It is still hard. I dream with almost perfect clarity days gone by with Natalia and then wake to find her not there and can’t get back to sleep. I keep trying to finish putting together our front bedroom where we just put all the “what I am going to do with this” boxes. Well in most of them are memories. With Sophia most, if not all, of her pictures are on computer. With Natalia, all of her pictures until she was 2 are all hard copy. So with every box are pictures of my beautiful, laughing baby girl followed close by Mama having an emotional meltdown. But I found a picture yesterday that just calmed me in the middle of the storm. I don’t even know what about the picture stopped the meltdown. Natalia was about 1 ½ old in a blue sweater showing off her top and bottom teeth with that sparkle in her eyes. I just wished I had found it before the major headache that comes with the crying jags hit but…The picture just seemed to say to me “what are you doing Mama?” I woke up this morning feeling much better.
One day at a time…each moment a miracle.
Much Love,
Roni
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