March 26th is fast approaching. Natalia’s 3rd Angelversary. Part of me can barely believe it has been three years since she gained her wings. The other part of me feels every moment she’s been gone like strike to my heart.
Like the rest of the hard dates (Thanksgiving, Christmas, Talia’s birthday) this past year, we have been extremely busy leading up to it. It has been the trend this year. My work has been throwing new curves every day. Not in a bad way but definitely the shake things up way. That in its self would have been enough to keep me on my toes. Edgar has been busy working on new projects with work. Sophia has been going a mile a minute with school, gymnastics and friends. AND we are all planning our first long vacation. We have always just taken off for 1 or 2 days here and there.
I see the faces of Natalia’s friends, who are all turning 10, and wonder what changes would have taken place in her face. I wonder what subject would have been her favorite and what activities she would be involved in. She is still on the library 1st grade student list (Thank you Lisa!) which is perfect because she loved reading. I see siblings arguing with each other and can still hear Natalia calling Sophia “punk” and then knocking her off the top bunk. Which she claimed was an accident…but as I had just walked in the bedroom to see Pia go flying, I have my doubts. :)
We have always done something on Natalia’s Angelversary. On the first we went to Monterey to play in the waves with her. The second Angelversary, we went to San Francisco to visit all the spots we had spent so much time at while she was sick. This year we will be spending it doing the things she loved here in Fresno. She was always so excited to come home to Fresno. We will ALL be getting pedicures, going to the zoo (I have not been to the Fresno zoo since Natalia got sick) and having dinner at Famous Dave BBQ. I can hear her little “ooo yay” every time I think about our plans.
This is the year of our first big vacation without Natalia. We are off to Disneyland. It is not really without her because I feel her in so much of what we are planning. The girls have never been to Disneyland. We were waiting for Sophia to be tall enough to ride all of the rides. God forbid Natalia would get to ride something that Sophia couldn’t. Those of you who know Pia, understand just what kind of vacation nightmare that would have turned out to be. God love my stubborn, no fear, full throttle youngest child. We have gotten a lot of fabulous advice and tips from our friends…Huge thanks go out to Tammy for insider clues, Debra for the map and first time visitor pointers, Miriam for the Ariel’s Groto tip and everyone else who helped us to make plans. Sophia has had a blast checking everything online and deciding what all absolutely MUST be done and seen.
This trip will also be a test. Sophia has not done well tolerating time away from home. Home is safe to her. There is no life changing drama at home. Most of her early life travel was between home and taking Natalia to the hospital at UCSF. Long hospital stays, hurting sister and stressed out parents left a lasting impression on Sophia. By the end of day 2 away from home she becomes anxious to the point of constant tears and all she talks about is how much she misses home. We will be taking pictures of Natalia and the dogs with us to put around the room to make it more home like for Sophia. We’ll see how she does.
Much Love,
Roni
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
20 Days and counting
Two of the BIG Four are down. The Valle Family holiday season consists of Thanksgiving (Nov), Christmas (Dec 25), Natalia’s Birthday (Jan 24) and Sophia’s Birthday (Apr 13). Once we get through these 4, the rest of the year is much less stressful. In fact it’s almost peaceful. I refuse to let Natalia’s Angelversary on March 26th be part of the Big Four. The day she earned her wings will always be set apart from celebration days. By the time April rolls around for Sophia’s birthday it’s hard to tell who is more excited, Edgar and me or Sophia herself. It has become the high point of the year for both Edgar and I.
I have to seriously laugh and thank my oldest child for the shear amount of time consuming items that she has thrown into our lives this season. We have never been this busy before. From Thanksgiving to her birthday we have been & will be busy. We had a lot of activity going on at house between Thanksgiving and Christmas and it brought Holiday cheer along with it. January is shaping up to be busy as well. Sophia has stuff (school, gymnastics, friends’ parties, etc.), Edgar’s work is always hopping and my work has its reaccreditation on January 24th & 25th. I will be busy making sure my department is in compliance. Paperwork helps keep me employed! LOL!!
We will be spending Natalia’s birthday with her in Monterey. The hotel right on the beach she loved and Sophia playing in the ocean. Of course, Chinese food and the Aquarium are on the agenda. It wouldn’t be Natalia’s birthday without them. I expect the weather to be beautiful. Natalia always makes sure the time we spend with her at the ocean is amazing no matter what the forecast has called for. It can be pouring down rain and windy but not long after we get out of the car the blue skies appear. Little did we know when we spread her ashes in the Bay, she would make sure whenever we visit her at the water’s edge she would make it beautiful. 20 days and counting down baby girl!
I have to seriously laugh and thank my oldest child for the shear amount of time consuming items that she has thrown into our lives this season. We have never been this busy before. From Thanksgiving to her birthday we have been & will be busy. We had a lot of activity going on at house between Thanksgiving and Christmas and it brought Holiday cheer along with it. January is shaping up to be busy as well. Sophia has stuff (school, gymnastics, friends’ parties, etc.), Edgar’s work is always hopping and my work has its reaccreditation on January 24th & 25th. I will be busy making sure my department is in compliance. Paperwork helps keep me employed! LOL!!
We will be spending Natalia’s birthday with her in Monterey. The hotel right on the beach she loved and Sophia playing in the ocean. Of course, Chinese food and the Aquarium are on the agenda. It wouldn’t be Natalia’s birthday without them. I expect the weather to be beautiful. Natalia always makes sure the time we spend with her at the ocean is amazing no matter what the forecast has called for. It can be pouring down rain and windy but not long after we get out of the car the blue skies appear. Little did we know when we spread her ashes in the Bay, she would make sure whenever we visit her at the water’s edge she would make it beautiful. 20 days and counting down baby girl!
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Makes me smile...
I seem to have a love hate relationship with the Holiday season now. Especially Thanksgiving! Thanksgiving was Natalia’s favorite holiday. She would count down the days and ask everyone around her “how many more days.” She would talk about all the different types of Deeelicious food items that would be available to try. I can still hear her ooh and aah over the selections to be tasted. Yes, she loved to cook and eat.
She would ask exactly how things were prepared, as if, storing the recipes away for the time when she would be a chef. This year, I was able to make peace with a lot of emotions that have been swirling around in my heart and Edgar and I have decided to take Thanksgiving by the horns. Next year we will begin having Thanksgiving at our house. It will be a feast of senses with everything baby girl loved and more…because now Sophia is more vocal about cooking. It will be a time to share with family again. I am not saying there won’t be sad moments but we know that this is something Natalia would love, everyone coming to her house for her favorite holiday.
Christmas…oh joy…You know, SO FAR, this year is not as hard as last year. The first Christmas without Talia we were able to keep extremely busy because we were moving into the house. The hardest time for me was Christmas shopping. My feet would carry me to the Crayola aisle in every store and my heart would be crushed again. Last year had a fog around it, as if God was taking the harshest edges of our grief away. It would clear for few hours and the pain would be intense but then the fog would roll in again and soften it. I did most of Sophia’s Christmas shopping online because there was no way I was going into a store and find myself looking for presents for Natalia. This year, I have moments, I don’t know how it will be the closer to Christmas we get but right now it’s not as bad. I was able to do the majority of Sophia’s Christmas shopping in an actual store. I even had to brave to Crayola aisle because Sophia has a passion for drawing and painting. I still can’t look at certain things in that aisle, like color books, but I’ve made my peace with that. I also think Natalia has been making sure we have a lot to do this Christmas season so that we don’t have a lot of time to reflect that part of us is missing.
It’s not that we ever forget part of us is missing. It’s just that Natalia has gotten better at knowing when we need her presence and her warmth to wrap around us. And that makes me smile…
Much Love,
Roni
She would ask exactly how things were prepared, as if, storing the recipes away for the time when she would be a chef. This year, I was able to make peace with a lot of emotions that have been swirling around in my heart and Edgar and I have decided to take Thanksgiving by the horns. Next year we will begin having Thanksgiving at our house. It will be a feast of senses with everything baby girl loved and more…because now Sophia is more vocal about cooking. It will be a time to share with family again. I am not saying there won’t be sad moments but we know that this is something Natalia would love, everyone coming to her house for her favorite holiday.
Christmas…oh joy…You know, SO FAR, this year is not as hard as last year. The first Christmas without Talia we were able to keep extremely busy because we were moving into the house. The hardest time for me was Christmas shopping. My feet would carry me to the Crayola aisle in every store and my heart would be crushed again. Last year had a fog around it, as if God was taking the harshest edges of our grief away. It would clear for few hours and the pain would be intense but then the fog would roll in again and soften it. I did most of Sophia’s Christmas shopping online because there was no way I was going into a store and find myself looking for presents for Natalia. This year, I have moments, I don’t know how it will be the closer to Christmas we get but right now it’s not as bad. I was able to do the majority of Sophia’s Christmas shopping in an actual store. I even had to brave to Crayola aisle because Sophia has a passion for drawing and painting. I still can’t look at certain things in that aisle, like color books, but I’ve made my peace with that. I also think Natalia has been making sure we have a lot to do this Christmas season so that we don’t have a lot of time to reflect that part of us is missing.
It’s not that we ever forget part of us is missing. It’s just that Natalia has gotten better at knowing when we need her presence and her warmth to wrap around us. And that makes me smile…
Much Love,
Roni
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
That Moment
Wow, maybe it is a sign of emotional stability that I don’t write on Natalia’s Friends that much anymore. Maybe it is just that I am part of cancer parent support groups with people that understand that while certain things can tick me off or make me sad IN THAT MOMENT, those moments don’t last very long. I thank God that it has become moments rather than hours/days/weeks. Speaking of Natalia does not bring on grief, it is always there. Speaking of Natalia brings me joy for knowing & cherishing her amazing life. Yes, tears will come but that is because my love for her has nowhere else to go. I can’t wrap my arms around her, so each tear represents a hug and kiss delivered.
I will admit that my tolerance for outside influences affecting my children has become minuscule. In other words, my BS tolerance is at its lowest point. I know this. I completely admit to it. I am working on making it better. It took me a long time growing up (& a write up on my first ship, the idiot should have known a helicopter wouldn’t be delivering a daily newspaper to the middle of the Caribbean) to curb my blunt, not thinking before I speak, responses to things. But trying to censor my brain and mouth in certain situations has become hard again. I see the cringe in people’s eyes when I talk about Natalia. It’s all I can do at times not to blurt out “she lived and had a great life on this earth, do not diminish her time here by refusing to talk about her.” When I talk about outside influences, I don’t mean the “hard knocks of life” influences or the “learn by making mistakes” influences those I actually cherish because they show me how much Sophia is growing as a person. I really love and cherish the person she is becoming. It sometimes amazes me how incredible of a girl she is…I am allowed to be prejudice; I am her mother after all. Outside influences are other people’s projection on how we should live our live. Back off!!! We are managing incredibly well, given we are now working with the Plan B of our life.
Life now is all about keeping us happy with our sanity intact. If the situation doesn’t allow for that…bye-bye. It might seem selfish, but I don’t care. I am trying to raise a child that wishes with every candle she blows out that her sister will come back to her. I have to continually explain to her that no matter how much she prays to either God or Jesus they cannot return Natalia to her earthly body. When she is told God & Jesus “save” lives she thinks it means mean literally saves lives not souls. She is not impressed. At least she is still talking to them and praying because she is back to refusing to go to church. I will not force her to go back. We had to make Sophia do so many things when Natalia was fighting cancer that I will allow her control over certain aspects of her life. Yes, we got her a cell phone for her birthday! A kick butt Android that allows her to have a ton of pictures of her sister at the touch of her fingers. Sophia has an issue with being out of control of things and the phone allows her instant access to pictures and people when we are out and about. She cannot take it to school or to play, not because she is not responsible, but because she is 7.
“I just want to be normal!” Yep, a stake to the heart with that comment while she was getting ready for school. Sophia is getting better at understanding and verbalizing her emotions. But, man-o-man, I was not prepared for that one. How do you explain to a child that while she is “normal” like other kids in so many ways that, I hope and pray her friends will never know our family’s version of “normal”? She is blunt and down to the “T”. So do not ask for her opinion on things unless you really want to know how she truly feels. Yep, that’s my child. She can be brutal and shows the intelligence of someone much older than her 7 years.
The first day of 2nd grad. I think this hit all 3 of us hard. Sophia was so excited to go but not long after the 3 of us got to Weldon she became very quiet and reserved. Two words usually not associated with my youngest child. Her quiet behavior all day worried some of her friends. She was back in Pia form for day 2. Edgar and I lasted until she walked into her classroom before the breakdown. Sophia is now officially further along than Natalia in school. That was hard. Seeing all the other families with siblings trying to get to the correct line was hard on the 3 of us. It really brings the fact that Natalia should have entered 4th grade this year home. While I love, really love, seeing how much her friends have grown and achieved, that first day of school truly sucked! Then trying to explain to her teacher on back to school night the best way for her to deal with Sophia’s sad/quiet moments, oh yeah, poor teacher I cried through my explanation. It totally and incredibly sucks that I even have to explain it. The teacher already knew Sophia’s situation but needed to know not ask Sophia emotional questions when she is having her moments. Either leave her be or give her a quick hug to let her know she understands. That Sophia had to lose her best friend/co-conspirator/sister to cancer sucks even more then having to explain it!
Well, I already feel better. I guess no matter how much I vent to other cancer mamas, I really need to put Natalia’s Friends to more use again. I am bottling things up and this page allows me to get things straight in my head. It helps keep me sane.
Thanks for listening!
Much Love,
Roni
I will admit that my tolerance for outside influences affecting my children has become minuscule. In other words, my BS tolerance is at its lowest point. I know this. I completely admit to it. I am working on making it better. It took me a long time growing up (& a write up on my first ship, the idiot should have known a helicopter wouldn’t be delivering a daily newspaper to the middle of the Caribbean) to curb my blunt, not thinking before I speak, responses to things. But trying to censor my brain and mouth in certain situations has become hard again. I see the cringe in people’s eyes when I talk about Natalia. It’s all I can do at times not to blurt out “she lived and had a great life on this earth, do not diminish her time here by refusing to talk about her.” When I talk about outside influences, I don’t mean the “hard knocks of life” influences or the “learn by making mistakes” influences those I actually cherish because they show me how much Sophia is growing as a person. I really love and cherish the person she is becoming. It sometimes amazes me how incredible of a girl she is…I am allowed to be prejudice; I am her mother after all. Outside influences are other people’s projection on how we should live our live. Back off!!! We are managing incredibly well, given we are now working with the Plan B of our life.
Life now is all about keeping us happy with our sanity intact. If the situation doesn’t allow for that…bye-bye. It might seem selfish, but I don’t care. I am trying to raise a child that wishes with every candle she blows out that her sister will come back to her. I have to continually explain to her that no matter how much she prays to either God or Jesus they cannot return Natalia to her earthly body. When she is told God & Jesus “save” lives she thinks it means mean literally saves lives not souls. She is not impressed. At least she is still talking to them and praying because she is back to refusing to go to church. I will not force her to go back. We had to make Sophia do so many things when Natalia was fighting cancer that I will allow her control over certain aspects of her life. Yes, we got her a cell phone for her birthday! A kick butt Android that allows her to have a ton of pictures of her sister at the touch of her fingers. Sophia has an issue with being out of control of things and the phone allows her instant access to pictures and people when we are out and about. She cannot take it to school or to play, not because she is not responsible, but because she is 7.
“I just want to be normal!” Yep, a stake to the heart with that comment while she was getting ready for school. Sophia is getting better at understanding and verbalizing her emotions. But, man-o-man, I was not prepared for that one. How do you explain to a child that while she is “normal” like other kids in so many ways that, I hope and pray her friends will never know our family’s version of “normal”? She is blunt and down to the “T”. So do not ask for her opinion on things unless you really want to know how she truly feels. Yep, that’s my child. She can be brutal and shows the intelligence of someone much older than her 7 years.
The first day of 2nd grad. I think this hit all 3 of us hard. Sophia was so excited to go but not long after the 3 of us got to Weldon she became very quiet and reserved. Two words usually not associated with my youngest child. Her quiet behavior all day worried some of her friends. She was back in Pia form for day 2. Edgar and I lasted until she walked into her classroom before the breakdown. Sophia is now officially further along than Natalia in school. That was hard. Seeing all the other families with siblings trying to get to the correct line was hard on the 3 of us. It really brings the fact that Natalia should have entered 4th grade this year home. While I love, really love, seeing how much her friends have grown and achieved, that first day of school truly sucked! Then trying to explain to her teacher on back to school night the best way for her to deal with Sophia’s sad/quiet moments, oh yeah, poor teacher I cried through my explanation. It totally and incredibly sucks that I even have to explain it. The teacher already knew Sophia’s situation but needed to know not ask Sophia emotional questions when she is having her moments. Either leave her be or give her a quick hug to let her know she understands. That Sophia had to lose her best friend/co-conspirator/sister to cancer sucks even more then having to explain it!
Well, I already feel better. I guess no matter how much I vent to other cancer mamas, I really need to put Natalia’s Friends to more use again. I am bottling things up and this page allows me to get things straight in my head. It helps keep me sane.
Thanks for listening!
Much Love,
Roni
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Oh Hell No!
Well, today was interesting to say the least. I called the girls pediatrician this morning to see if I could move up Sophia’s yearly check up. She has been complaining about leg pain for the past few months. I put it off to growing pains. But last week she started to complain about her legs feeling numb and tingly. Definitely not growing pains anymore. Surprisingly, they had an opening at noon today and so I took her in.
No surprise, Sophia has grown 6 ½ inches in the past 10 months. Definitely SOME growing pains going on. The hard part of the visit was when Dr Vasquez started doing basic neurological tests with Pia. Arms out then touch the nose, making circles with her thumb and pointer finger, quick switch hands, shoulder shrug, resistance tests. For a minute, all I could see was Natalia being put through the same tests over and over. All I could think was NOT THIS CHILD! I am quite proud of myself for not coming unhinged in the exam room. I asked appropriate questions and got answers in doctor speak. “Right now” he believes she is running low in electrolytes and this is why she is getting the tingly numb sensation, like her legs are asleep. He wrote up orders for lab tests and let me know he really thought that this was the issue. She is extremely active and doesn’t slow down for pain or this numbness. It is not constant and affects her mostly at night. He also said that if the labs didn’t show the results he expected that he would consult a neurologist. I really like our pediatrician! He is good about giving his opinion and then saying if that isn’t the correct answer here is what our next step will be.
I am extremely proud of Pia for her bravery at Quest. She had to do a blood draw. The MA wanted me to hold her in my lap and hold her arm still. I looked at Pia and said, “This is like when they used to poke Natalia for her tests. Do you need me to hold you still or should I just hold your hand for courage?” Pia’s answer…”Just hold my hand, Sissy showed me it was easy.” The MA was not happy and continued her you cannot move at all spiel. Pia watched through it all and didn’t bat an eye. When it was over she told the woman that putting the tourniquet on her hurt worse than the needle. Go Pia!!! Hopefully, we’ll have our answer soon. For now, I’m looking up ways to add more electrolytes to her diet.
Much Love,
Roni
No surprise, Sophia has grown 6 ½ inches in the past 10 months. Definitely SOME growing pains going on. The hard part of the visit was when Dr Vasquez started doing basic neurological tests with Pia. Arms out then touch the nose, making circles with her thumb and pointer finger, quick switch hands, shoulder shrug, resistance tests. For a minute, all I could see was Natalia being put through the same tests over and over. All I could think was NOT THIS CHILD! I am quite proud of myself for not coming unhinged in the exam room. I asked appropriate questions and got answers in doctor speak. “Right now” he believes she is running low in electrolytes and this is why she is getting the tingly numb sensation, like her legs are asleep. He wrote up orders for lab tests and let me know he really thought that this was the issue. She is extremely active and doesn’t slow down for pain or this numbness. It is not constant and affects her mostly at night. He also said that if the labs didn’t show the results he expected that he would consult a neurologist. I really like our pediatrician! He is good about giving his opinion and then saying if that isn’t the correct answer here is what our next step will be.
I am extremely proud of Pia for her bravery at Quest. She had to do a blood draw. The MA wanted me to hold her in my lap and hold her arm still. I looked at Pia and said, “This is like when they used to poke Natalia for her tests. Do you need me to hold you still or should I just hold your hand for courage?” Pia’s answer…”Just hold my hand, Sissy showed me it was easy.” The MA was not happy and continued her you cannot move at all spiel. Pia watched through it all and didn’t bat an eye. When it was over she told the woman that putting the tourniquet on her hurt worse than the needle. Go Pia!!! Hopefully, we’ll have our answer soon. For now, I’m looking up ways to add more electrolytes to her diet.
Much Love,
Roni
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Growing Up
Let me first apologize to my husband. Poor Edgar, I seem to have some of my biggest meltdowns not long before he has to walk out the door for his shift. Not only does he have to deal with not so good people but he has to worry about how I am holding up.
Today's melt...I was folding laundry(oh joy)when I realized, Sophia won't fit into her jeans by the middle of summer. She is getting so tall. I thought "Oh, I will need to buy her some new ones soon." Then it hit me, she is big enough for the next set of Natalia's clothes. I stored the boxes in the back of Pia's closet but I kept thinking she would be big enough "in a couple of years". That's when the baseball bat hit. It has been a couple of years. Sophia is now older then Natalia was here on earth. She is finishing 1st grade and excited for second. I am so incredibly proud of the person she is becoming. The other morning I asked Sophia if she was worried about taking a test in school. She said she never worries about them because sissy is always there to help her with the answers. Blew me away!
As I went to grab the box, Natalia's voice told me to open the other box too. The box of Natalia's special pieces, the ones that were never to be worn by anyone again. She told me it was time. Talia always got a kick out of it when Sophia fit into her old clothes. She would giggle and tell Pia how cute she looked and funny things she remembered about wearing the piece. Although they are now the same age, Natalia will still be passing Sophia clothes for the next couple of years. Natalia was tall for her age and the steroids added a lot of weight, where as, Sophia is right there with her classmates in size. Today when she saw me pulling out the clothes Sophia said sissy told her it was time for her to wear her stuff. There are some pieces that won't ever leave the box but others Talia and Pia will giggle about together, as usual. And that helps me get through.
Much Love,
Roni
Today's melt...I was folding laundry(oh joy)when I realized, Sophia won't fit into her jeans by the middle of summer. She is getting so tall. I thought "Oh, I will need to buy her some new ones soon." Then it hit me, she is big enough for the next set of Natalia's clothes. I stored the boxes in the back of Pia's closet but I kept thinking she would be big enough "in a couple of years". That's when the baseball bat hit. It has been a couple of years. Sophia is now older then Natalia was here on earth. She is finishing 1st grade and excited for second. I am so incredibly proud of the person she is becoming. The other morning I asked Sophia if she was worried about taking a test in school. She said she never worries about them because sissy is always there to help her with the answers. Blew me away!
As I went to grab the box, Natalia's voice told me to open the other box too. The box of Natalia's special pieces, the ones that were never to be worn by anyone again. She told me it was time. Talia always got a kick out of it when Sophia fit into her old clothes. She would giggle and tell Pia how cute she looked and funny things she remembered about wearing the piece. Although they are now the same age, Natalia will still be passing Sophia clothes for the next couple of years. Natalia was tall for her age and the steroids added a lot of weight, where as, Sophia is right there with her classmates in size. Today when she saw me pulling out the clothes Sophia said sissy told her it was time for her to wear her stuff. There are some pieces that won't ever leave the box but others Talia and Pia will giggle about together, as usual. And that helps me get through.
Much Love,
Roni
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
The Angelversary
Angelversary Day…Natalia was definitely with us all day.
We decided not to leave at the break of dawn, as was the original plan, because of the weather. The rain was forecasted for the entire day and low temps in the San Francisco area made us want to wait until the sun was up for a while. Coffee at Dutch Brothers…they’re always so nice and upbeat, not to mention the coffee is high octane! Hit the highway at 9am with the tunes blasting! Storm clouds and wind all the way between Fresno and San Francisco.
We made our turn off the highway onto Octavia and the rain slowed to a sprinkle. We drove around UCSF and past both Family Houses that had been so much a part of our lives for 11 months. We parked the car at Judah and 9th to walk down to our favorite Chinese place, Nan King Road Bistro and the rain stopped. We walked around for a bit after to settle lunch and check out some of our favorite shops. Then Donut World…for the necessary chocolate donut. Back in the car for the drive to Ocean Beach and the skies opened up. We decided to brave the rain and cold to walk on the beach only to be driven back into the car after being blasted hard by sand (I was still finding sand in my scalp Monday morning after 2 showers). We waited maybe 10 minutes, the wind died down, the rain eased and by the time we walked down to the surf the sun had come out and the rain completely stopped. Yep, Natalia at her best! Edgar & I gave Sophia only one rule, do not get wet! SHE stayed dry. I, on the other hand, ended up soaked below the knees because I was so focused on a rock in the sand that I didn’t notice the fast approaching surf. Natalia never could stay dry either. She was always so focused on what the water was revealing in the sand to notice when the waves were coming back in. I felt so close to her, yet so far away, in that moment.
We played on the beach for over an hour then decided to head out, but, couldn’t make ourselves leave SF quiet yet. We ended up at Fisherman’s Wharf just strolling around enjoying the remainder of the beautiful day. By the time we got home late Saturday, we were totally wiped. The trip and the emotions of the week had taken their toll and the 3 of us spent Sunday not moving more than necessary. The trip to San Francisco helped restore some peace to our lives. We all felt Natalia with us and that was the greatest gift of the day. We feel her presence at different times but when the grief threatens to overcome everything else, her healing calm can be hard to find.
Our life for the next few weeks will be surrounded in the chaos of preparing for Sophia’s birthday party. She has never had an “invite the friends” birthday party. When she was little we combined Easter dinner with her birthday celebration. We left her 4th birthday party to take Natalia to UCSF for a 2nd opinion just after she was diagnosed with the brain tumor. Her 5th birthday was 2 weeks after Natalia passed away and no one was in a big party mood. Her 6th was spent in Phoenix with the Wish Riders so this year… Pia’s getting her Backyard/BBQ/Bounce house rocking birthday party. She got to pick EVERYONE one she wanted to come, including adults. In addition to her own guest list, she is making a checklist of things that need to get done around the house before the party. Her notebook contains all!!! We have orders not to touch the notebook! A MAJOR special guest coming to town for her birthday and we can’t wait for her to find out who it is…Sophia has no idea this person is coming!!! It will really help make this birthday truly special.
Much love to you all,
Roni
We decided not to leave at the break of dawn, as was the original plan, because of the weather. The rain was forecasted for the entire day and low temps in the San Francisco area made us want to wait until the sun was up for a while. Coffee at Dutch Brothers…they’re always so nice and upbeat, not to mention the coffee is high octane! Hit the highway at 9am with the tunes blasting! Storm clouds and wind all the way between Fresno and San Francisco.
We made our turn off the highway onto Octavia and the rain slowed to a sprinkle. We drove around UCSF and past both Family Houses that had been so much a part of our lives for 11 months. We parked the car at Judah and 9th to walk down to our favorite Chinese place, Nan King Road Bistro and the rain stopped. We walked around for a bit after to settle lunch and check out some of our favorite shops. Then Donut World…for the necessary chocolate donut. Back in the car for the drive to Ocean Beach and the skies opened up. We decided to brave the rain and cold to walk on the beach only to be driven back into the car after being blasted hard by sand (I was still finding sand in my scalp Monday morning after 2 showers). We waited maybe 10 minutes, the wind died down, the rain eased and by the time we walked down to the surf the sun had come out and the rain completely stopped. Yep, Natalia at her best! Edgar & I gave Sophia only one rule, do not get wet! SHE stayed dry. I, on the other hand, ended up soaked below the knees because I was so focused on a rock in the sand that I didn’t notice the fast approaching surf. Natalia never could stay dry either. She was always so focused on what the water was revealing in the sand to notice when the waves were coming back in. I felt so close to her, yet so far away, in that moment.
We played on the beach for over an hour then decided to head out, but, couldn’t make ourselves leave SF quiet yet. We ended up at Fisherman’s Wharf just strolling around enjoying the remainder of the beautiful day. By the time we got home late Saturday, we were totally wiped. The trip and the emotions of the week had taken their toll and the 3 of us spent Sunday not moving more than necessary. The trip to San Francisco helped restore some peace to our lives. We all felt Natalia with us and that was the greatest gift of the day. We feel her presence at different times but when the grief threatens to overcome everything else, her healing calm can be hard to find.
Our life for the next few weeks will be surrounded in the chaos of preparing for Sophia’s birthday party. She has never had an “invite the friends” birthday party. When she was little we combined Easter dinner with her birthday celebration. We left her 4th birthday party to take Natalia to UCSF for a 2nd opinion just after she was diagnosed with the brain tumor. Her 5th birthday was 2 weeks after Natalia passed away and no one was in a big party mood. Her 6th was spent in Phoenix with the Wish Riders so this year… Pia’s getting her Backyard/BBQ/Bounce house rocking birthday party. She got to pick EVERYONE one she wanted to come, including adults. In addition to her own guest list, she is making a checklist of things that need to get done around the house before the party. Her notebook contains all!!! We have orders not to touch the notebook! A MAJOR special guest coming to town for her birthday and we can’t wait for her to find out who it is…Sophia has no idea this person is coming!!! It will really help make this birthday truly special.
Much love to you all,
Roni
Friday, March 25, 2011
Counting the Hours
Two years tomorrow…24 months…730 days…17,520 hours…1,051,200 minutes…can you imagine? I hope not. I hope you never have to imagine the horror of it.
This week has been tough. Emotions just all over the place. Tuesday and Thursday I was crying at the drop of a hat. The worst…Sophia came to me Monday night and said she couldn’t remember how Natalia looked unless she was looking at a picture or seeing her in a dream. She was crushed…Edgar and I were crushed. She is still mad at God for not bring her sister back to her. She still asks Him in her prayers for sissy to come home. At times, I hurt more for Sophia then for myself. I see how she looks at other families with siblings and the longing on her face for her best friend and always ready partner in crime.
I have always used Natalia as a benchmark for Sophia’s growth…physically and mentally. Saturday is the last time I can do that. There is 27 months between them. Sophia turns 7 in April and Natalia will be forever 7. Sophia will become her own benchmark…not that she hasn’t always been unique but now she will be the trailblazer. At least, for the moment, I still have some of Natalia’s clothes for her to grow into. That helps remind her that she is the little sister. She wears one of Natalia’s sweaters when she feels the need to be closer to her. The red sweater hangs on her but Sophia says she feels like Natalia is hugging her and she sees how close she is getting to Natalia’s size. I don’t think she will wear many of the clothes as they didn’t have the same taste but, according to Pia, “we keep them until I am big enough to fit in them. THEN I will decide.” She doesn’t want to let go either.
Much Love,
Roni
This week has been tough. Emotions just all over the place. Tuesday and Thursday I was crying at the drop of a hat. The worst…Sophia came to me Monday night and said she couldn’t remember how Natalia looked unless she was looking at a picture or seeing her in a dream. She was crushed…Edgar and I were crushed. She is still mad at God for not bring her sister back to her. She still asks Him in her prayers for sissy to come home. At times, I hurt more for Sophia then for myself. I see how she looks at other families with siblings and the longing on her face for her best friend and always ready partner in crime.
I have always used Natalia as a benchmark for Sophia’s growth…physically and mentally. Saturday is the last time I can do that. There is 27 months between them. Sophia turns 7 in April and Natalia will be forever 7. Sophia will become her own benchmark…not that she hasn’t always been unique but now she will be the trailblazer. At least, for the moment, I still have some of Natalia’s clothes for her to grow into. That helps remind her that she is the little sister. She wears one of Natalia’s sweaters when she feels the need to be closer to her. The red sweater hangs on her but Sophia says she feels like Natalia is hugging her and she sees how close she is getting to Natalia’s size. I don’t think she will wear many of the clothes as they didn’t have the same taste but, according to Pia, “we keep them until I am big enough to fit in them. THEN I will decide.” She doesn’t want to let go either.
Much Love,
Roni
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Angelversary Coming Up
Natalia’s birthday was easier to get through this year. We had 21 months to process the emotions of her not being by our sides. It was truly beautiful in Monterey this year. The sun was shining and the weather amazing. We spent most of our time on the beach playing with her. Sophia and I wrote her messages in the sand while Edgar flew her kite as high as he could. The aquarium was probably the hardest moment for me. Sophia demanded a picture be taken of her in the giant clam. While I love to measure how much she has grown each time we visit by how the clam keeps getting smaller, seeing her in it without Natalia at her side is always crushing. I hear Natalia’s laughter and her joy at discovery in every corner of the Aquarium. We had cupcakes and Chinese food for her celebration. Then we all watched the sun set over the bay…all bright pinks and purples for Natalia.
Hard to believe Natalia’s Angelversary is coming up on March 26th. She will have been gone 2 years…God saying that does not make it any easier. In fact, I tried my best to put it completely from my mind until Edgar asked what I wanted to do for it this year. When I think back on it I remember a slide show of events: feeling her last breath, screaming for Edgar, watching the firemen call it, felling her soul fly from her body and out the window, calling a friend and asking her to bring Sophia home right away, deciding what to be taken with for her cremation. Everything else is a blur. Thank God we had taken care of most the details of what we wanted done prior to her death because there is no way we would have been in any condition to do it after.
Edgar had the best idea of how to honor the day. (I won’t say celebrate) We are heading to San Francisco for the day. Going to hit the Wharf, go to the 24 hour donut place for a chocolate donut and maybe get some Chinese from our favorite place. I think I also want to spend some time walking around Golden Gate Park. Natalia spent a lot of time walking in that park while going through treatment. Edgar did a fantastic job keeping her spirits and strength up by taking her for walks, Wednesday donuts and singing to her favorite tunes. For those of you not with us, may I suggest Chinese food and blowing bubbles!
Much love to you all…I have to get back to work!
Roni
Hard to believe Natalia’s Angelversary is coming up on March 26th. She will have been gone 2 years…God saying that does not make it any easier. In fact, I tried my best to put it completely from my mind until Edgar asked what I wanted to do for it this year. When I think back on it I remember a slide show of events: feeling her last breath, screaming for Edgar, watching the firemen call it, felling her soul fly from her body and out the window, calling a friend and asking her to bring Sophia home right away, deciding what to be taken with for her cremation. Everything else is a blur. Thank God we had taken care of most the details of what we wanted done prior to her death because there is no way we would have been in any condition to do it after.
Edgar had the best idea of how to honor the day. (I won’t say celebrate) We are heading to San Francisco for the day. Going to hit the Wharf, go to the 24 hour donut place for a chocolate donut and maybe get some Chinese from our favorite place. I think I also want to spend some time walking around Golden Gate Park. Natalia spent a lot of time walking in that park while going through treatment. Edgar did a fantastic job keeping her spirits and strength up by taking her for walks, Wednesday donuts and singing to her favorite tunes. For those of you not with us, may I suggest Chinese food and blowing bubbles!
Much love to you all…I have to get back to work!
Roni
Friday, January 21, 2011
We Survived!
Writing has become harder. I feel like I am saying the same thing over and over and I hate that. So my entries in this blog have become further apart.
We survived the Holiday Season. Yup, I said survived! I can’t think of it in any other way anymore. I held myself clenched so tightly during November and December that it took 3 bottles of red wine and sunny outside day to finally unwind me. Thank you Edgar for taking care of me that day! I felt like I was walking on egg shells that entire time. I didn’t which way my emotions were going to roll and everything hurt. Sleepless nights and endless days. The bright spot, as always, was Sophia. No matter how much you just want to ignore the holidays you need to do more than just go through the motions when you have a little one. Sophia loves life so much and joy just beams from her that you get caught up in it as well. You put on your happy face and remember to live in the moment.
Monday is Natalia’s 9th birthday. I am imagine she is going to have one heck of a party in Heaven…it just sucks that this is our second without her. We are heading to Monterey on Sunday for a few days. We are going to spend time on her beach. We plan to fly kites, blow bubbles, visit the Aquarium, throw rose petals to the surf and play with Talia in the water. It is supposed to be beautiful there. Last year, the weather was supposed to be awful but I know Natalia had a hand in making it beautiful for us…the rain moved in just as we were leaving.
We stay at The Beach Resort Best Western. It is right on the beach as you head into town. We have an ocean view room so we can watch and listen to the water. This is the last place we took Natalia before she became home bound, so, it has special memories for us. I love looking out at the water and knowing she is free. It helps bring peace after spending the holidays and birthday without her. We feel more connected to her when we visit the beach. Sophia, of course, cannot wait and has been counting down the days. She runs straight for the water, holds up her arms, and yells for sissy to come play.
Much Love,
Roni
We survived the Holiday Season. Yup, I said survived! I can’t think of it in any other way anymore. I held myself clenched so tightly during November and December that it took 3 bottles of red wine and sunny outside day to finally unwind me. Thank you Edgar for taking care of me that day! I felt like I was walking on egg shells that entire time. I didn’t which way my emotions were going to roll and everything hurt. Sleepless nights and endless days. The bright spot, as always, was Sophia. No matter how much you just want to ignore the holidays you need to do more than just go through the motions when you have a little one. Sophia loves life so much and joy just beams from her that you get caught up in it as well. You put on your happy face and remember to live in the moment.
Monday is Natalia’s 9th birthday. I am imagine she is going to have one heck of a party in Heaven…it just sucks that this is our second without her. We are heading to Monterey on Sunday for a few days. We are going to spend time on her beach. We plan to fly kites, blow bubbles, visit the Aquarium, throw rose petals to the surf and play with Talia in the water. It is supposed to be beautiful there. Last year, the weather was supposed to be awful but I know Natalia had a hand in making it beautiful for us…the rain moved in just as we were leaving.
We stay at The Beach Resort Best Western. It is right on the beach as you head into town. We have an ocean view room so we can watch and listen to the water. This is the last place we took Natalia before she became home bound, so, it has special memories for us. I love looking out at the water and knowing she is free. It helps bring peace after spending the holidays and birthday without her. We feel more connected to her when we visit the beach. Sophia, of course, cannot wait and has been counting down the days. She runs straight for the water, holds up her arms, and yells for sissy to come play.
Much Love,
Roni
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
...On Strength
I just heard it again, someone “thinks” we are a strong family…but in this case it seems that they are really calling us weak for certain choices…live in our shoes is what I have to say. That wonderful, always strong front you see has been forged in the fire and is now like steel. We work extremely hard to make our little family as strong as possible and we will do all that is necessary to keep it that way. A part of us is missing and there are times when it is a blinding pain that threatens to crush us. So I ask, why go into a situation that we KNOW is going to contribute to that pain? If we do things a certain way, it is because those are the best choices for our family at that point in time. We live daily with the knowledge that Natalia did not get her big miracle. We dealt with the fact that with pain can also come great joy. That blowing bubbles in the face of death can sometimes be the best medicine. I think is too bad that others did not get to learn that with her. We deal with her missing part of our soul every single day. We have learned that the ties that bind aren’t always made by blood. We learned to make the most of what God has given us and leave out all the rest. That is where strength comes from. I’m just saying…
Much Love,
Roni
Much Love,
Roni
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
The Language of Grief...great article!
I read this article this morning and have to share. I really loved this and it tapped into a lot of how I feel.
The Language of Grief
By Darcie D. Sims, Ph.D., GMS, CGC, CHT
Once I lived the American Dream. We were a happy family, military by career, parents by choice. And with the birth of our son, our family was to have been complete. We were the American Dream—at least for a little while.
And then, as it happened to you and to so many, it all ended. We learned you couldn’t paint a rainbow on the wall and expect it to stay. The dream came to pieces and we were shattered. No longer the American Dream, we became the American Nightmare. We were bereaved.
We had entered a world we knew nothing about. Suddenly we were strangers in a strange land. We needed help. We needed understanding. We needed someone who could speak our language . . . the language of grief.
We discovered we were grieving, not only the death of our child, but the loss of close friendships, self-esteem, and self-identity as well. We were SO alone . . . left untouched by those around us who must have been afraid, too. Perhaps Death is “catching,” or maybe no one knew what to say. I didn’t know what to hear. But, as the months passed, it only grew darker and we began to wonder if we would ever know peace, joy, or love again.
Eventually, we began to wander and found a few support systems (Thank heavens for TCF!). The Compassionate Friends became a lifeline for us. We found we were not as alone as we feared and we began to struggle through the valley of grief. But as the years went by, I noticed that we and all the other bereaved people we began to know were still struggling with something. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, until one day, I listened to the words we were all using to describe our grief journey. As I listened to my own words and those of fellow strugglers, I began to realize it was not the journey we were having trouble with . . . it was the language we used.
So, I want to create a NEW LANGUAGE! Can we speak in terms of HOPE instead of sorrow? I want to create a new language where Denial is a river in Egypt, not a sin in grieving. Maybe denial isn’t really denial but Postponement. Sometimes I’m just not ready to deal with reality. Before you can deny anything, you have to acknowledge it and once you acknowledge it, then you can postpone it until you are ready or able to cope. Postponement just seems to be a more accurate and usable word.
Perhaps we can replace Acceptance and Acknowledgement. Acceptance, to me, means agree with and I Will Never Agree with what has happened to us! But I can work towards Acknowledgement of what has happened.
Maybe we can change the words we use. Change the Language of Grief into the Language of Hope. Let’s get rid of the word LOST and find the word FOUND. People die, but we do not lose them. They are forever threads in our fabric, memories in our heart, love in our being. They are now and always will be a living and loving part of who we are.
And then, perhaps we can change one more word in the Language of Grief. Can we use the word Healing instead of Recovery? Recovery is a medical word, designed to describe broken bones, not hearts. We recover from a broken arm or the chicken pox. But recover or get over the death of someone I love . . . ? We don’t Get Over the death of someone we love! We get THROUGH IT, one moment, one hour, one day, one hurt at a time. Healing is a hopeful word and I want to be hopeful in my journey.
And let’s get rid of Closure as well! There is no such thing as closure! YOU DON’T STOP LOVING SOMEONE JUST BECAUSE THEY DIED. We grieve because we loved someone! And we WILL CONTINUE TO LOVE THEM FOREVER!
If I could just see HOPE. I kept looking for the aisle marked happiness. I thought it was a place. I kept waiting for it to get better and it only grew darker. If I could just see hope . . .
Hope isn’t a place or a thing. Hope isn’t the absence of pain, fear or sadness. Hope is the possibility of renewed joy. It is the memory of love given and received. Hope is you and me and the person next to you and across the room, down the street and in your dreams.
We are each other’s hope and we need a new language to reflect our hopefulness, not our despair. If we could just change these few words, I believe we might be able to make some progress towards healing. I am tired of struggling to accept when acknowledgment is more honest. I am tired of being in denial when I know exactly what it is I want to deny, so how can you say I am denying anything? I just want to postpone it for awhile. When I feel more capable, less tired and have some skills and tools, then I will work on my “denial.”
And nothing, nothing closes at the funeral except the casket! I will always continue to love my child and hold him within my heart, my spirit, and every fiber of my being. I will have an ongoing and continuing relationship with him until I can once again hold him in my arms. If that is “crazy,” then yes, I am! As a psychotherapist and a bereaved mom, I believe it is my right to continue to love my child forever and loving your child should not be considered as mentally unhealthy. Good-bye? You want me to say good-bye? I wasn’t through saying Hello!
I want a new language, a language of hope and healing instead of denial and death. I want to remember my child’s LIFE first! And that is the new language of love!
May love be what you remember the most!
The Language of Grief
By Darcie D. Sims, Ph.D., GMS, CGC, CHT
Once I lived the American Dream. We were a happy family, military by career, parents by choice. And with the birth of our son, our family was to have been complete. We were the American Dream—at least for a little while.
And then, as it happened to you and to so many, it all ended. We learned you couldn’t paint a rainbow on the wall and expect it to stay. The dream came to pieces and we were shattered. No longer the American Dream, we became the American Nightmare. We were bereaved.
We had entered a world we knew nothing about. Suddenly we were strangers in a strange land. We needed help. We needed understanding. We needed someone who could speak our language . . . the language of grief.
We discovered we were grieving, not only the death of our child, but the loss of close friendships, self-esteem, and self-identity as well. We were SO alone . . . left untouched by those around us who must have been afraid, too. Perhaps Death is “catching,” or maybe no one knew what to say. I didn’t know what to hear. But, as the months passed, it only grew darker and we began to wonder if we would ever know peace, joy, or love again.
Eventually, we began to wander and found a few support systems (Thank heavens for TCF!). The Compassionate Friends became a lifeline for us. We found we were not as alone as we feared and we began to struggle through the valley of grief. But as the years went by, I noticed that we and all the other bereaved people we began to know were still struggling with something. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, until one day, I listened to the words we were all using to describe our grief journey. As I listened to my own words and those of fellow strugglers, I began to realize it was not the journey we were having trouble with . . . it was the language we used.
So, I want to create a NEW LANGUAGE! Can we speak in terms of HOPE instead of sorrow? I want to create a new language where Denial is a river in Egypt, not a sin in grieving. Maybe denial isn’t really denial but Postponement. Sometimes I’m just not ready to deal with reality. Before you can deny anything, you have to acknowledge it and once you acknowledge it, then you can postpone it until you are ready or able to cope. Postponement just seems to be a more accurate and usable word.
Perhaps we can replace Acceptance and Acknowledgement. Acceptance, to me, means agree with and I Will Never Agree with what has happened to us! But I can work towards Acknowledgement of what has happened.
Maybe we can change the words we use. Change the Language of Grief into the Language of Hope. Let’s get rid of the word LOST and find the word FOUND. People die, but we do not lose them. They are forever threads in our fabric, memories in our heart, love in our being. They are now and always will be a living and loving part of who we are.
And then, perhaps we can change one more word in the Language of Grief. Can we use the word Healing instead of Recovery? Recovery is a medical word, designed to describe broken bones, not hearts. We recover from a broken arm or the chicken pox. But recover or get over the death of someone I love . . . ? We don’t Get Over the death of someone we love! We get THROUGH IT, one moment, one hour, one day, one hurt at a time. Healing is a hopeful word and I want to be hopeful in my journey.
And let’s get rid of Closure as well! There is no such thing as closure! YOU DON’T STOP LOVING SOMEONE JUST BECAUSE THEY DIED. We grieve because we loved someone! And we WILL CONTINUE TO LOVE THEM FOREVER!
If I could just see HOPE. I kept looking for the aisle marked happiness. I thought it was a place. I kept waiting for it to get better and it only grew darker. If I could just see hope . . .
Hope isn’t a place or a thing. Hope isn’t the absence of pain, fear or sadness. Hope is the possibility of renewed joy. It is the memory of love given and received. Hope is you and me and the person next to you and across the room, down the street and in your dreams.
We are each other’s hope and we need a new language to reflect our hopefulness, not our despair. If we could just change these few words, I believe we might be able to make some progress towards healing. I am tired of struggling to accept when acknowledgment is more honest. I am tired of being in denial when I know exactly what it is I want to deny, so how can you say I am denying anything? I just want to postpone it for awhile. When I feel more capable, less tired and have some skills and tools, then I will work on my “denial.”
And nothing, nothing closes at the funeral except the casket! I will always continue to love my child and hold him within my heart, my spirit, and every fiber of my being. I will have an ongoing and continuing relationship with him until I can once again hold him in my arms. If that is “crazy,” then yes, I am! As a psychotherapist and a bereaved mom, I believe it is my right to continue to love my child forever and loving your child should not be considered as mentally unhealthy. Good-bye? You want me to say good-bye? I wasn’t through saying Hello!
I want a new language, a language of hope and healing instead of denial and death. I want to remember my child’s LIFE first! And that is the new language of love!
May love be what you remember the most!
Monday, November 15, 2010
'Tis The Season
The Holiday season is on us…and it is crushing. I was pretty numb through it last year. This year I seem to feel Thanksgiving and Christmas creep up on us every second of the day. I am hearing Natalia’s voice in the back of my head…clear as day…asking what we are having for Thanksgiving dinner & “ooo that sounds DEEELICOUS”. Her counting down the days to every major occasion rings through my mind. My heart turns over.
I hit Toys-r-Us at lunch today to pick up Christmas pressies for Sophia…yep, it will be online shopping from now on, except for stocking stuffers. Christmas shopping for one is NOT RIGHT and it makes me both mad and sad. I can’t walk up and down those aisles looking for the perfect Christmas present without a major breakdown. I had one in the car as soon as I got out of the store which gave me the headache…that’s where the mad part comes in. Aren’t we going through enough that I have to have a headache after my crying session? To me that’s just adding insult to injury!!!
The three of us spent this past weekend sprinting around trying to get a ton of stuff done. We were all up early and spent Saturday getting Edgar’s motorcycle up & running…and back home again. Sophia had a soccer game, AJ needed help lifting a dishwasher, checked by a shop to see if the bench we ordered last month was complete, took the dogs to the vet for checkups and shots, went to AT&T(Villa & Shaw) to see about a phone for Edgar’s work (they gave Pia one of their “sample” cell phones for her personal use…big points with Mama & Papa) and then got home just before 7pm before we all passed out cold. Sunday we worked in the backyard, the grass is really coming in now & everything is really coming together. We cleaned and put up shelves in the garage, wow, an organized garage is a cool garage. We also cleaned house. Yep, we were wiped out and ready for bed by 5pm. All and all a good weekend. I feel like we got everything we wanted accomplished! Maybe next weekend will be relaxing. All I have planned is Sophia’s last regular season soccer match, groceries and house cleaning…but you never know!
Much Love,
Roni
I hit Toys-r-Us at lunch today to pick up Christmas pressies for Sophia…yep, it will be online shopping from now on, except for stocking stuffers. Christmas shopping for one is NOT RIGHT and it makes me both mad and sad. I can’t walk up and down those aisles looking for the perfect Christmas present without a major breakdown. I had one in the car as soon as I got out of the store which gave me the headache…that’s where the mad part comes in. Aren’t we going through enough that I have to have a headache after my crying session? To me that’s just adding insult to injury!!!
The three of us spent this past weekend sprinting around trying to get a ton of stuff done. We were all up early and spent Saturday getting Edgar’s motorcycle up & running…and back home again. Sophia had a soccer game, AJ needed help lifting a dishwasher, checked by a shop to see if the bench we ordered last month was complete, took the dogs to the vet for checkups and shots, went to AT&T(Villa & Shaw) to see about a phone for Edgar’s work (they gave Pia one of their “sample” cell phones for her personal use…big points with Mama & Papa) and then got home just before 7pm before we all passed out cold. Sunday we worked in the backyard, the grass is really coming in now & everything is really coming together. We cleaned and put up shelves in the garage, wow, an organized garage is a cool garage. We also cleaned house. Yep, we were wiped out and ready for bed by 5pm. All and all a good weekend. I feel like we got everything we wanted accomplished! Maybe next weekend will be relaxing. All I have planned is Sophia’s last regular season soccer match, groceries and house cleaning…but you never know!
Much Love,
Roni
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Wish Riders at the Love Ride
Dan, Frank, Jenn, Ed "Cajun", Leo, Sophia & Edgar
The Next GenerationThis past weekend was amazing! We were asked to join the Wish Riders in L.A. to film footage at the Love Ride. The Love Ride 2010 was from Glendale Harley Davidson to the Calamigos Ranch(where The Biggest Loser is filmed) in the Malibu Canyons. It benefits a different charity every year and this year's was Autism Speaks.
We met up with Frank, Ed and Kurt at our hotel in Burbank Saturday morning. Sophia and I then followed the guys through those "oh so wonderful" L.A. freeways up to our filming location in the Malibu canyons. Shameless plug...The Knucklehead Inn is an beautiful B&B located on Mulholand Drive. It has a peaceful, warm, friendly feel at a great price that allows you to get away from it all and they cater to bikers of all kinds. Check them out at www.knuckleheadinn.com Ok plug done. We met our film crew there. Our director Jenn, Asst director Leo and PA Austin. They made this weekend fun and even though there was a ton to get done things were kept on track and we had an easy non-stressed shoot. Jenn wanted to film interviews with with all of us...yes even Sophia and I. That was probably the hardest part for me. As you all know, I am not the public speaker for this family. When I get emotional I can't think of what to say and tend to repeat myself frequently and can't get out what I really want to say. Which I know I did...sorry Jenn.
They needed to film out in the canyons and I got to ride with Edgar for parts of it. I must say that the wedding going on at the county club probably hates us. We roared by them 6 times and since the wedding party was close to the road I got to all of their faces turned our way EVERY time we rumbled by. Next we all went to the beach for sunset. Edgar, Pia and I got to play with Natalia for a bit...which they filmed. Dinner at Neptune's on the beach for easily the best fish tacos I have ever eaten. Then back to the Knucklehead to finish shooting the interviews. We were 3 tired puppies when we got back to the hotel...I failed to mention Pia and I had both been out sick with the plague on Thursday and Friday. The breeze in the canyons helped tremendously. On the way back to the hotel, Sophia announces that she is going to be a director because she can learn it at college, take lots of pictures and tell everyone what to do. Just like Jenn!
Sunday morning we met everyone downstairs and added one more to our group...Dan. He is the Road Captain for his Riverside chapter and was to be our guide/Jenn's ride for the day. Jenn did a lot of filming from the back of the bike...I can't wait to see that footage. We made our way to the Glendale Harley to pick up our registration. Sophia got to meet Jay Leno while we were there. Of course, she has noooo idea who he is but he gave her a little hug and said hi. Then we were off for the long drive to the Calamigos Ranch. Tons of filming the whole way. I was so proud of Sophia! There was no whining or complaining during the long morning so when we arrived & saw a ferris wheel...oh yeah she got a ride right away without having to ask. In fact she got to ride it 3 times throughout the day. There was great music, good food, people relaxing and having fun and oh yes...more filming. We got to see some famous people we recognized, probably more we didn't and had a great time. It was sad when we wrapped the weekend, but, I know we will see everyone again and I feel that we made some wonderful new friends.
We were asked to provide more pictures and video with Natalia. I can do the pictures with very little problem now. I tried looking through some of the videos tonight...yep, so not ready to go there. Sophia and I watched the video of Natalia's last Christmas. It shattered us both. It took me a half hour to calm Pia down. We are not ready to see Talia moving and talking...seeing what that horrible disease took from her. Seeing how hard it was for her to walk and talk but still showing her joy in living and her laughter. I thank God that I have those moments on video but I am not ready for the scab to be ripped off by watching them. I have wanted to try for some time but always had an excuse not to. I had a reason tonight and learned my limit. It is good to know.
That's it for now. Much love to you all.
Roni
Monday, November 1, 2010
The Grieving Holiday Bill of Rights
A friend got this "Holiday Bill of Rights" from her counsler when the celebrating of Halloween got a little too much for her grieving Mama's heart. I liked it so much that I am posting it for all of you.
1. You have the right to say TIME OUT! (time to let it out, blow a little steam, step away from the holidays)
2. You have the right to TELL IT LIKE IT IS.
3. You have the right to SOME 'BAH HUMBUG' DAYS!
4. You have the right to DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY. There is no law that says Christmas or whatever holiday always has to be the same way.
5. You have the right to BE WHERE YOU WANT TO BE. Be at home or wherever. Warm or cold...
6. You have a right to SOME FUN!
7. You have a right to CHANGE DIRECTIONS IN MID-STREAM. Holiday grief is unpredictable. You may be already to do something and then suddenly be overwhelmed. It's okay to change your mind.
8. You have a right to DO THINGS AT DIFFERENT TIMES. Go to church at a different time, open presents at a different time, etc.
9. You have a right to REST, PEACE and SOLITUDE. You don't have to be busy all the time...
10. You have the right TO DO IT ALL DIFFERENT AGAIN NEXT YEAR.
Much Love,
Roni
1. You have the right to say TIME OUT! (time to let it out, blow a little steam, step away from the holidays)
2. You have the right to TELL IT LIKE IT IS.
3. You have the right to SOME 'BAH HUMBUG' DAYS!
4. You have the right to DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY. There is no law that says Christmas or whatever holiday always has to be the same way.
5. You have the right to BE WHERE YOU WANT TO BE. Be at home or wherever. Warm or cold...
6. You have a right to SOME FUN!
7. You have a right to CHANGE DIRECTIONS IN MID-STREAM. Holiday grief is unpredictable. You may be already to do something and then suddenly be overwhelmed. It's okay to change your mind.
8. You have a right to DO THINGS AT DIFFERENT TIMES. Go to church at a different time, open presents at a different time, etc.
9. You have a right to REST, PEACE and SOLITUDE. You don't have to be busy all the time...
10. You have the right TO DO IT ALL DIFFERENT AGAIN NEXT YEAR.
Much Love,
Roni
November
Holy Moly time is certainly flying! I cannot believe today is the 1st of November, how did that happen? Today and tomorrow are the Dia de Muertos. The Day of the Dead for those of you unfamiliar with Mexican culture. The holiday focuses on gatherings of family and friends to pray for and remember friends and family members who have died. The celebration occurs in connection with the Catholic holidays of All Saints' Day (November 1) and All Souls' Day (November 2). It is the time that the dead return to check on those they love and for those still living to honor their lives. Family members put out their relatives favorite foods, toys, drinks, and decorate their graves. I find it a very comforting thought. Therefore; in honor of the day, Edgar is making chicken enchiladas and his homemade black beans. The apple soda is in the fridge chilling. Whenever things were taking, what Natalia felt was too long, she would start to whine & Edgar would ask her “what do you think…we’re making chicken enchiladas”. (Anyone who has made them from scratch knows they take all day to make.) Then Natalia would giggle and ask her Papa to make them for her. I feel Natalia around us quite a bit but knowing this time is all hers…well, it’s priceless.
Sophia is playing soccer for the Weldon Stars, the under 8s girls team. She has so much joy in her when she is on the field. She just grins and giggles the entire time. That is not to say she is not focused on playing because she is a really good player. She just loves to play and it shows. I am jealous…she has a six pack! Even if I went to the gym 7 days a week, I would never have that on my curvy figure.
She has also had her 1st detention. Oh yes, our little juvenile delinquent! She got the bright idea that throwing the powered soap around the girl’s bathroom was cool and funny looking. She invited 2 of her friends to also play…then got BUSTED when they told another girl to get out of the bathroom. Mrs. Halverstadt told me later that the bathroom looked like there had been a snowstorm in it. The offenders were marched to Mrs. Armstrong’s office to learn their fate. 2 days recess detention and phone calls home. Sophia got 3 days grounding at home. She told me she thought her punishment “was reasonable.” I know she was expecting to be spanked over it but Edgar and I were both laughing…no spanking when laughing is involved. She also had her 1st report card…1 missed spelling word this year and what would be straight As on a regular report card. 1St grade is on a learning level system rather than grading system. Other then the above mentioned detention she has been a great student! I have to say I am extremely happy that the mischievous part of Pia is coming back out. She had to be so self contained when Natalia was sick that other then whining like a normal little one she packed away a lot of that devilish tinkle that was in her eye.
I was going to add pictures but my phone isn't downloading them at the moment. Frustrating me greatly so I will add them later.
Much Love,
Roni
Sophia is playing soccer for the Weldon Stars, the under 8s girls team. She has so much joy in her when she is on the field. She just grins and giggles the entire time. That is not to say she is not focused on playing because she is a really good player. She just loves to play and it shows. I am jealous…she has a six pack! Even if I went to the gym 7 days a week, I would never have that on my curvy figure.
She has also had her 1st detention. Oh yes, our little juvenile delinquent! She got the bright idea that throwing the powered soap around the girl’s bathroom was cool and funny looking. She invited 2 of her friends to also play…then got BUSTED when they told another girl to get out of the bathroom. Mrs. Halverstadt told me later that the bathroom looked like there had been a snowstorm in it. The offenders were marched to Mrs. Armstrong’s office to learn their fate. 2 days recess detention and phone calls home. Sophia got 3 days grounding at home. She told me she thought her punishment “was reasonable.” I know she was expecting to be spanked over it but Edgar and I were both laughing…no spanking when laughing is involved. She also had her 1st report card…1 missed spelling word this year and what would be straight As on a regular report card. 1St grade is on a learning level system rather than grading system. Other then the above mentioned detention she has been a great student! I have to say I am extremely happy that the mischievous part of Pia is coming back out. She had to be so self contained when Natalia was sick that other then whining like a normal little one she packed away a lot of that devilish tinkle that was in her eye.
I was going to add pictures but my phone isn't downloading them at the moment. Frustrating me greatly so I will add them later.
Much Love,
Roni
Monday, October 18, 2010
Scrambled Eggs
Yes, I said it! Scrambled Eggs! Eggs are an issue in our house. They are fabulous sources of protein that sit in their little box until they go bad. None of us can bare to eat them anymore but we always seem to need them to go into something else...so I keep buying them. We made Natalia scrambled eggs all the time...with salsa. They were easy for her to pick up and chew. They gave her a great source of energy and she loved them. She could eat them even when she couldn't eat anything else. Sophia now cries when one is put in front of her and God forbid if it has salsa on it, then the tears don't seem to stop. I have to smother mine in something else so you can't really tell it's an egg and Edgar can not crack an egg into the pan.
The point of that was that littlest things get you in the heart. All without you realizing it until the dust settles.
I have entered the anger stage of grief. How do I know this...because I'm ticked at God. I haven't stopped talking to him...well I'm not really currently talking, more like ranting and raving at him. Who else has shoulders big enough to handle all my anger?
My list of mad: that Natalia isn't here for us to hold, that I can't see her growing up, that she can't play with her sister, that I can't hear her belly laugh, that so many other children are getting this horrible disease, that there is very little funding for childhood cancer research, that other kids are dying from the same thing and there is no relief in site. I was even ticked for a bit at all the awareness/funding/research for Breast Cancer Awareness Month when September's Childhood Cancer Awareness hardly got any notice except for those who have been through that battle. I got over that one because without Mamas there wouldn't be babies. Cancer just sucks and I am mad at it! When I get mad, I get frustrated and then end up crying, which makes me even madder. I am mad for feeling guilty about moments of happiness. I am mad that my soul aches from missing her so much. I am mad for making Sophia sad when she catches me crying.
Sophia is doing well. I was so proud of her last month. She finally got up the courage to go down the street and introduce herself to the other kids in the neighborhood. Sophia usually has to be prodded out of her shell and then her diva will come shining through but lately that has not been an issue. Over the past month and a half I have really begun to see the girl that Sophia was becoming before Natalia got sick come back out. The girl who didn't have a shy bone in her body and was prepared for any situation. That girl went into hiding for a while but is now coming back out with pieces of Natalia thrown in. There are moments that I see Natalia shining right through her and I have to stop and catch myself before I start crying all over her. I am constantly amazed at this girl we are raising. I know that she would have been a different person if Natalia never would have gotten sick. She feels peoples emotions so much now and is very careful to make sure everyone is included in her fun. While she is more thoughtful and still gets that frightened look in her eyes at the thought of Edgar or I going somewhere without her, she never lets you forget that she is indeed...a diva worth being the center of attention.
That's it for now.
Much Love, Roni
The point of that was that littlest things get you in the heart. All without you realizing it until the dust settles.
I have entered the anger stage of grief. How do I know this...because I'm ticked at God. I haven't stopped talking to him...well I'm not really currently talking, more like ranting and raving at him. Who else has shoulders big enough to handle all my anger?
My list of mad: that Natalia isn't here for us to hold, that I can't see her growing up, that she can't play with her sister, that I can't hear her belly laugh, that so many other children are getting this horrible disease, that there is very little funding for childhood cancer research, that other kids are dying from the same thing and there is no relief in site. I was even ticked for a bit at all the awareness/funding/research for Breast Cancer Awareness Month when September's Childhood Cancer Awareness hardly got any notice except for those who have been through that battle. I got over that one because without Mamas there wouldn't be babies. Cancer just sucks and I am mad at it! When I get mad, I get frustrated and then end up crying, which makes me even madder. I am mad for feeling guilty about moments of happiness. I am mad that my soul aches from missing her so much. I am mad for making Sophia sad when she catches me crying.
Sophia is doing well. I was so proud of her last month. She finally got up the courage to go down the street and introduce herself to the other kids in the neighborhood. Sophia usually has to be prodded out of her shell and then her diva will come shining through but lately that has not been an issue. Over the past month and a half I have really begun to see the girl that Sophia was becoming before Natalia got sick come back out. The girl who didn't have a shy bone in her body and was prepared for any situation. That girl went into hiding for a while but is now coming back out with pieces of Natalia thrown in. There are moments that I see Natalia shining right through her and I have to stop and catch myself before I start crying all over her. I am constantly amazed at this girl we are raising. I know that she would have been a different person if Natalia never would have gotten sick. She feels peoples emotions so much now and is very careful to make sure everyone is included in her fun. While she is more thoughtful and still gets that frightened look in her eyes at the thought of Edgar or I going somewhere without her, she never lets you forget that she is indeed...a diva worth being the center of attention.
That's it for now.
Much Love, Roni
Monday, September 6, 2010
What a Weekend
Yep, just what you all need to hear about another of my crying episodes...but once I get it written it doesn't bother me as much anymore. It not that I am an unhappy person but man can I now hit some lows. However, I will say that our time on the ocean is always the most peaceful times I have now. Hearing the waves hit the beach is like listening to Natalia's laugh. There is nothing better then all four of us together.
Edgar left home last Monday for a gang conference in gorgeous San Diego...at a hotel right on Mission Bay...across the street from Mission Beach. So we decided that Sophia & I would join him for the weekend and have a major relaxing time. Nothing but chilling and the bay, beach and pool. Yep, no Seaworld, no world famous zoo, just sun, surf and relaxation.
Let me first say that if we do something like this again, it will be before his conference begins. Edgar does not like to be away from home for long. He was tired and had a major case of "I just want to go home" by the time we arrived Friday afternoon. That is not to say we didn't have a good time. We played in the Bay Friday afternoon and went to a Luau that night. What a blast! Sophia had so much fun and even got up on the stage with the dancers for a kiddie hula. We spent Saturday playing with Natalia in the ocean. Sunday morning was pool time and the afternoon walking on the beach with Natalia. Sophia wrote messages to her sissy in the sand for the tide to carry out to Natalia. The weekend had some beautiful times.
Now for the not so great moments. Some of you may know, Edgar and I decided to try for another baby at the end of June. We expected it to take many months so when I turned up pregnant by the end of July we were ecstatic! We didn't tell very many people because we wanted the first "major" OB appointment before yelling the news to the world. That appointment was last Tuesday and the news was not good. The yolk was way too big for the baby to survive the first trimester. That didn't mean we gave up hope but talk about a frying pan upside the head. I started bleeding on Friday afternoon and by Saturday morning I couldn't feel that little life force anymore. I think they wanted to join their sister by the sea. They showed us just how much we do want another child and we will try again once my body is ready...40 year old body that it is.
Less distressing but more frustrating because of the first...I lost my bestest most fav sunglasses Friday night. It was just one more thing and I think that's why I took it harder and out of proportion. But it was like "you have to be kidding me".
Sunday before sunrise...Edgar retrieves a message from his phone. Redd is running the neighborhood. They can't catch him! I call my dad at 6:30am to check the house and see if he can get Redd to jump in the car with him. Redd loves to go for a ride. Guess what, Redd is in the backyard...the neighbors caught him and fixed the fence...but Coco was not there. She had knocked and slat loose and escaped. Dad searched the area with no luck. He went back to search and talk to everyone after Mom got back from church...No Coco. Edgar and I facebooked asking if anyone had seen her. We were heartbroken! We had just lost a baby now Coco was gone, oh yeah, doom and gloom time as we sat at San Diego airport and there was nothing we could do. My Mom called at 3pm...Coco was found...at the Petsmart on Willow/Herndon. She was wandering the parking lot up there and some kind soul brought her over to the people that adopt pets out in front on the weekends. P.A.W.S. Precious Animals Worth Saving...no kill shelter. They took her inside and bathed her, deflead her and had her microchip read. When they couldn't reach anyone at our house they called my parents. Thank God! It was like having a fifty pound weight taken off out chests. Now we just needed to get home and hug the dogs. Needless to say, today Edgar is going to be re enforcing the fence.
Much love to you all,
Roni
Edgar left home last Monday for a gang conference in gorgeous San Diego...at a hotel right on Mission Bay...across the street from Mission Beach. So we decided that Sophia & I would join him for the weekend and have a major relaxing time. Nothing but chilling and the bay, beach and pool. Yep, no Seaworld, no world famous zoo, just sun, surf and relaxation.
Let me first say that if we do something like this again, it will be before his conference begins. Edgar does not like to be away from home for long. He was tired and had a major case of "I just want to go home" by the time we arrived Friday afternoon. That is not to say we didn't have a good time. We played in the Bay Friday afternoon and went to a Luau that night. What a blast! Sophia had so much fun and even got up on the stage with the dancers for a kiddie hula. We spent Saturday playing with Natalia in the ocean. Sunday morning was pool time and the afternoon walking on the beach with Natalia. Sophia wrote messages to her sissy in the sand for the tide to carry out to Natalia. The weekend had some beautiful times.
Now for the not so great moments. Some of you may know, Edgar and I decided to try for another baby at the end of June. We expected it to take many months so when I turned up pregnant by the end of July we were ecstatic! We didn't tell very many people because we wanted the first "major" OB appointment before yelling the news to the world. That appointment was last Tuesday and the news was not good. The yolk was way too big for the baby to survive the first trimester. That didn't mean we gave up hope but talk about a frying pan upside the head. I started bleeding on Friday afternoon and by Saturday morning I couldn't feel that little life force anymore. I think they wanted to join their sister by the sea. They showed us just how much we do want another child and we will try again once my body is ready...40 year old body that it is.
Less distressing but more frustrating because of the first...I lost my bestest most fav sunglasses Friday night. It was just one more thing and I think that's why I took it harder and out of proportion. But it was like "you have to be kidding me".
Sunday before sunrise...Edgar retrieves a message from his phone. Redd is running the neighborhood. They can't catch him! I call my dad at 6:30am to check the house and see if he can get Redd to jump in the car with him. Redd loves to go for a ride. Guess what, Redd is in the backyard...the neighbors caught him and fixed the fence...but Coco was not there. She had knocked and slat loose and escaped. Dad searched the area with no luck. He went back to search and talk to everyone after Mom got back from church...No Coco. Edgar and I facebooked asking if anyone had seen her. We were heartbroken! We had just lost a baby now Coco was gone, oh yeah, doom and gloom time as we sat at San Diego airport and there was nothing we could do. My Mom called at 3pm...Coco was found...at the Petsmart on Willow/Herndon. She was wandering the parking lot up there and some kind soul brought her over to the people that adopt pets out in front on the weekends. P.A.W.S. Precious Animals Worth Saving...no kill shelter. They took her inside and bathed her, deflead her and had her microchip read. When they couldn't reach anyone at our house they called my parents. Thank God! It was like having a fifty pound weight taken off out chests. Now we just needed to get home and hug the dogs. Needless to say, today Edgar is going to be re enforcing the fence.
Much love to you all,
Roni
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Life...or something like it
Wow, 2 months since I last wrote. It has been an emotional couple of months. Not in a bad way but in a healing way. I came to the realization that while I am not fully prepared for some of the things life throws at me there are others that I am truly ready for. I have gotten to the place where I can forgive myself for not being emotionally ready to "deal" with some of the things I have tried to accomplish. Of course, that doesn't mean I won't keep trying, I just won't be as hard on myself for breaking down...I'll eventually get there and when I do it will be right for me. Vague thoughts,I know, but sometimes it's hard to swim through the grief.
I went to Las Vegas for a girls weekend at the end of June. It was great to just take myself out of my comfort zone. Though it was hard not talking to Edgar for 3 days. I was not supposed to call or text them other then to let him know that I arrived in Las Vegas then returned to Fresno safely. Sophia kinda of blew that theory. Yup, she knows my cell number and the "Mama, when are you coming home" phone calls started Saturday morning. The time away allowed me to calm my thoughts and find my balance again. I came to some important decisions and they helped to bring some more peace to my life.
I also had another momentous marking during the last 2 months...I turned 40! I don't know where the time has gone. There are some days when I still feel young and vibrant while others feel like I am older then dirt and life is draining away...most days I am happily in between with so much to learn and accomplish that a lifetime is not enough.
Need to sign off before I'm done writing...Pia requires my attention.
Much Love,
Roni
I went to Las Vegas for a girls weekend at the end of June. It was great to just take myself out of my comfort zone. Though it was hard not talking to Edgar for 3 days. I was not supposed to call or text them other then to let him know that I arrived in Las Vegas then returned to Fresno safely. Sophia kinda of blew that theory. Yup, she knows my cell number and the "Mama, when are you coming home" phone calls started Saturday morning. The time away allowed me to calm my thoughts and find my balance again. I came to some important decisions and they helped to bring some more peace to my life.
I also had another momentous marking during the last 2 months...I turned 40! I don't know where the time has gone. There are some days when I still feel young and vibrant while others feel like I am older then dirt and life is draining away...most days I am happily in between with so much to learn and accomplish that a lifetime is not enough.
Need to sign off before I'm done writing...Pia requires my attention.
Much Love,
Roni
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Just Keep Swimming
What is the fine line between depression and grief? Is there one? Do you just crumble on the couch and not want to take part in world from laziness or are you so detached because nothing soothes that part of you that is missing? You go for so long with only a few hours of sleep at night because your mind can’t turn off the dreams. You smile and laugh with the people around you but don’t feel the emotions that go with it. No one truly understands the loss you are feeling and you can barely verbalize it. When you try to speak the words you are over come by emotions and just end up crying. The crying turns to anger because you can’t say what you need to get out. The anger turns to frustration because there is no where to release it (how do you physically attack the disease that took Natalia). The frustration grows until you just want to hit out at anyone or anything but keep pulling it back inside because you don’t want to hurt anyone else…pulling you further away from the world of the normal. These feeling may last a few minutes, hours, days, weeks, months or even years. Simply put, you feel lost.
What a way to start to the blog…I recently found, or should I say came back to, the world of online grief support groups. I discovered…that my grief is “sane”. Wow, sanity, what an amazing concept. I just thought I was beginning to lose what is left of my mind…coming up on the big 40 is causing parts of my mind to go. LOL!!! Back to online grief support, I recently found Compassionate Friends on Facebook. The last experience I had with a grief support group put me off…too much pain and anger in one place for me to handle well. While elements of that do exist at CF, how can it not when you lose a loved one, the majority of people are just like our family. They have learned the miracle of the moment. The pain exists but they are not willing to let it overshadow joy that our loved one brought into our lives. It feels good to throw out emotional moments and have feed back from someone else that “gets it”(getting mail for Natalia is one instance. Yep, stuff will still come.).
I fall into the minutes and days category. I feel the waves of grief everyday but only allow them to overcome me for a few “minutes” a day. The “days” part is when I get knocked sideways by a wave and just can’t seem to recover for a few days. I don’t think of grief as a rollercoaster or a crazy train like other people have described. For me grief is like the ocean and I have gotten to be a pretty good swimmer. There are beautiful, peaceful coves that can hide dangerous riptides. This is when everything is going really good and I begin to think that I’m stronger and ready to face anything only to get hit in the face by opening an envelope containing Natalia’s death certificate. There are untold dark depths that hide amazing underwater life. This is when I am ready to give up swimming and sink beneath the surface then Sophia will sing and dance her way through one of her amazing “I love you Mama!” creations. I have learned that some days are easier then others. When the grief overwhelms me, I look around and see the true magnificence and beauty that the world has to offer and I know Talia is looking down on us and saying “it’s all going to be ok.” In Dory’s immortal words “Just Keep Swimming, just keepswimming!”
A lot of overwhelming feelings have popped up over the past two months. Sophia is starting to have so many “1st’s” that Natalia never got to experience. So I get double smacked with them. Here’s the one example that had me balling up a storm in the car…watching Sophia walk away from me to school all by herself. She decided she was old enough and did not need me to walk her to her classroom door. Twofold…my BABY was growing up, getting more independent and ready for more responsibility (enough to drive any parent to tears)…Natalia got sick just before she hit this stage…in fact she got sick almost exactly 2 years to the date when Sophia decided to declare her independence. Oh yeah, cryfest! Just driving by Weldon the last couple of months has been enough to send me into tears. It’s that time of year, the time when Natalia was first diagnosed with the brain tumor, so the memories are coming fast and furious. She was so happy in kindergarten and every time I drive by I see her laughing and playing tag on the playground. They are happy memories but they make me miss her all the more. These memories hit last year, as well, but I was so numb from just losing her that they didn’t send me into a tailspin. They were more of a comfort last year. I know they will be comfort again but Sophia’s jumps into independence give grief that small opening it needs to overwhelm.
I am probably not making sense to you. There are times when I don’t even make sense to myself. But I just needed to write it down and get the feelings out. Then, hopefully, they won’t affect me so much.
Much Love,
Roni
What a way to start to the blog…I recently found, or should I say came back to, the world of online grief support groups. I discovered…that my grief is “sane”. Wow, sanity, what an amazing concept. I just thought I was beginning to lose what is left of my mind…coming up on the big 40 is causing parts of my mind to go. LOL!!! Back to online grief support, I recently found Compassionate Friends on Facebook. The last experience I had with a grief support group put me off…too much pain and anger in one place for me to handle well. While elements of that do exist at CF, how can it not when you lose a loved one, the majority of people are just like our family. They have learned the miracle of the moment. The pain exists but they are not willing to let it overshadow joy that our loved one brought into our lives. It feels good to throw out emotional moments and have feed back from someone else that “gets it”(getting mail for Natalia is one instance. Yep, stuff will still come.).
I fall into the minutes and days category. I feel the waves of grief everyday but only allow them to overcome me for a few “minutes” a day. The “days” part is when I get knocked sideways by a wave and just can’t seem to recover for a few days. I don’t think of grief as a rollercoaster or a crazy train like other people have described. For me grief is like the ocean and I have gotten to be a pretty good swimmer. There are beautiful, peaceful coves that can hide dangerous riptides. This is when everything is going really good and I begin to think that I’m stronger and ready to face anything only to get hit in the face by opening an envelope containing Natalia’s death certificate. There are untold dark depths that hide amazing underwater life. This is when I am ready to give up swimming and sink beneath the surface then Sophia will sing and dance her way through one of her amazing “I love you Mama!” creations. I have learned that some days are easier then others. When the grief overwhelms me, I look around and see the true magnificence and beauty that the world has to offer and I know Talia is looking down on us and saying “it’s all going to be ok.” In Dory’s immortal words “Just Keep Swimming, just keepswimming!”
A lot of overwhelming feelings have popped up over the past two months. Sophia is starting to have so many “1st’s” that Natalia never got to experience. So I get double smacked with them. Here’s the one example that had me balling up a storm in the car…watching Sophia walk away from me to school all by herself. She decided she was old enough and did not need me to walk her to her classroom door. Twofold…my BABY was growing up, getting more independent and ready for more responsibility (enough to drive any parent to tears)…Natalia got sick just before she hit this stage…in fact she got sick almost exactly 2 years to the date when Sophia decided to declare her independence. Oh yeah, cryfest! Just driving by Weldon the last couple of months has been enough to send me into tears. It’s that time of year, the time when Natalia was first diagnosed with the brain tumor, so the memories are coming fast and furious. She was so happy in kindergarten and every time I drive by I see her laughing and playing tag on the playground. They are happy memories but they make me miss her all the more. These memories hit last year, as well, but I was so numb from just losing her that they didn’t send me into a tailspin. They were more of a comfort last year. I know they will be comfort again but Sophia’s jumps into independence give grief that small opening it needs to overwhelm.
I am probably not making sense to you. There are times when I don’t even make sense to myself. But I just needed to write it down and get the feelings out. Then, hopefully, they won’t affect me so much.
Much Love,
Roni
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)