Natalia's Playground

Principal Lozano called me Wednesday afternoon to say they should be finished with the marker and planter by Friday...he called me a few hours later to tell they had finished it. Natalia's Playground is now a reality. The kindergarten playground at Weldon is now dedicated in her memory. What a glorious way to remember her! Edgar and I rushed over to see it as soon as he woke up. It was good to have our moment to cry so that when we showed it to Sophia Thursday morning we could put on the happy faces. Of course, all 3 of us had a brief cry. I will keep everyone posted because we want to do a get together/dedication sometime in the next few weeks.

What Weldon means to us...when I was showing new pics of the marker to family members one of them asked me "why would they do that? She wasn't there for very long." My first thought was WTH!!!! Followed by some bruised feelings. A few hours later I was walking around Walmart when one of Natalia's friends Mom called..."I heard a rumor that the marker was done." Someone else "got it". I had to hang up quickly to have a cry. I vented the next day with my Mom and she had to explain to me that other schools would probably not be this way...so I need to explain the wonder of Weldon. Not long after Natalia was diagnosed the PTC(parent teacher club) gave Natalia road trip stuff: a Warrior blanket, t-shirts, water bottles, duffle bag and tons of goodies. Her kindergarten teacher would call to check on her as would the principal. In May 2008, Principal Lozano came to us to ask if it would be ok for the school to sell "Natalia's Friends" bracelets to show their support and to help raise money for Natalia. Everywhere we turned in the city people had on bright green bracelets. It was like getting hugged with every spotting. We became friends with everyone in the office as they called to check on Talia. This carried on throughout the remainder of the school year and the summer. Natalia was able to start first grade and it was made into the most wonderful experience we could ask for. When she could no longer go to the school itself, the school came to us. Her 1st grade teacher came to our house with her lessons, Principal Lozano came and read to her and Vice-Principal Armstrong came and sang with her. The parents of her friends all stayed in touch and made playdates while she was able. They continuely stress that Weldon is one big family and live up to it in the fullest way possible. I am truely honored that my children are, and will forever be, Weldon Warriors.

Much love,
Roni

As Promised...The Glorious Miss Sophia

What can I say? She is amazing beyond words. One moment a sweet beautiful little girl...the next..."show me your hands, stop restisting" Got to love her. She is simply Pia!

Sorry All

Ok Ok OK!!!!! I have not updated lately. Funny things is...I have a lot to say I just can't say a lot of it. Edgar came home this morning from a bake sale and told me that several people asked when I was going to update the blog...a few hours later someone I work with asked me the same thing. Our main laptop has a black screen, as does our desktop...help big brother! I will be calling later! Thank goodness I have my netbook.

I will post pictures separately of Miss Pia...on picture day at school she was trying out for America's Next Top Model. If anyone needs a spokes model, I have your girl. She is still loving school and FINALLY knows the names of her friends...rather then calling them just "friend". She spent this past weekend down with a fever. Baby girl slept until almost 11am on Sunday morning. When she finally woke up, the fever was gone and she said she felt awesome. She will start soccer practice next Monday. They finally found a coach for the under 6 kids. YEAH! I can not wait to start having fun at practices and games.

SSSSHHHHH!!! Don't tell Sophia...we are taking a mini vacation soon. We are going on a 3 day cruise out of San Pedro leaving on October 2nd. We are going to show Pia what Mama and Papa used to do for a living. We plan to do nothing but chill on the ship and recharge our batteries. I think both Edgar and I are running on low as far as emotional strength. It is so much harder to walk onto that school campus everyday then we ever imagined. I see Natalia everywhere. I hear her laugh and feel her joy. Some days that brings peace...other days well...After Natalia passed we both felt it was best to get back into the groove of our lives. How else would we know if we were capable? So straight back to work and into life. Now we are just tired and need the break. Are we still doing good? Definitely...do I still cry a lot...of course...will that ever change...maybe not but I am ok with that.

Watch out words of maybe some wisdom....Death seriously sucks for those of us left behind. We think too much and agonize over the loss. We are left to think about things we could have said or done differently. In fact, at times, we torture ourselves by doing just that. We need to quickly snap ourselves out of this mindset before bitterness and sorrow take over our lives. The loss of a parent is the loss of the main anchor in our lives. Our parents have been there since our very beginnings. They are the people we look to for that final stamp of approval on our lives. When they are gone...what do we do now? Our parents reflect our past and everything we come from. The loss of a sibling or close friend brings our own mortality to light. If it could happen to them, why not me? They are our present, our stable sail in the high seas of life. The loss of a child reflects our futures. Our hopes and dreams are wrapped around our children. Every good parent wishes for a better future for our children. When they are gone our future is not as bright. Where before you looked far into the future and saw them in college/getting married/having their own kids...the present and the next moment take on more meaning.

I guess that's it for now...I have a headache and Pia wants me to come to bed...Good night and God Bless.

Much Love to you all,
Roni

Time and the flu

My new Weldon Warrior loves her school. She loves to be a Kindergartner. She loves to be on the "big kid" side of her daycare. Actually, what do I call it now? It's not pre-school and to call it daycare sounds very baby"ish" for my big girl. She was so scared to be on that dark side but...OMG they have an air hockey table, big pool, bigger tables and REAL big kids. Pia is a very happy camper.

The first week of school. WOW! We survived...Sophia thrived!

I have spent the majority of the week fighting stomache flu. I thought it was just the sushi we had as a celebratory 1st day of school dinner. Yes, I know most of you are saying the raw fish but...when I finally ate a full meal again on Wednesday it hit me again that night. I spent Thursday at home trying to recover. Friday I was feeling a little better. I am still trying to get rid of the headache that came with losing tons of water and the still occasional cramping. I dropped Pia off at school and dropped by the office to try and learn just what is going on with the Weldon PTC this year...got some answers but will learn more on Monday...will let those of you who want to know more after that. As I was leaving campus, Natalia's kindergarten teacher, Mrs. Yager gave me an envelop with some things in it. Let me first say they were beyond amazing but they really knocked me for a loop. This week has been extremely difficult to keep sad thoughts from clouding Sophia's achievements. Natalia loved going to school so much. I loved around everytime I visit the campus and can picture her there, loving every minute of it. Maybe the pictures of Natalia running in the Jog-a-thon and an American flag with her picture on it wouldn't have sent me around the bend if I was feeling 100% healthy but I wasn't. It took until mid-afternoon before I could stop the tears from instantly coming. I mean there she was healthy, happy and RUNNING. With her giant smile on her face. I could hear her laughing, those wonderful belly laughs of hers, and it alternated between bringing great joy and great heartbreak. And I would cry with both emotions...a lot. It was almost breaking me apart. I haven't had a moment like that since just after she passed. But...a little more sleep and focus...I was better by the time I had to pick up Pia.

I think we will always have moments like this that hit like a surprise storm. They blow up fast and clear out lots of cobwebs. They can bring pain and suffering but they also can bring a new focus and wash away some of the heartache. I think we hold so much of our emotions in because we don't want to break apart...we can't afford the cost of closing ourselves off from the world even when it is what we most want to do. It would do more damage, not only to ourselves, but, to those closest to us. Take that moment and embrace it...it can help keep you sane...then move forward.

Much love,
Roni

"The Best Day Of My Life"

Those were Sophia's words to describe her first day of kindergarten. She is now on day 3 and still loving it...just not the getting up a half hour earlier then normal. Today we signed her up for soccer. Let the fun begin! Will write more later...

Much Love,
Roni

Hodgepodge of Stuff

This post will probably make little sense. I just feel the need to say some STUFF. Maybe if I do it will help the funk that I seem to have gotten into.

**I hate having to tell people that Natalia has died. The people that know I have 2 girls and are just questioning their welfare. They don't know...they certainly don't mean harm. I love the fact that they remember and care enough to ask after the girls. It just shuts me down and brings waves of pain to have to say the words. I hate the look in their eyes and the knowledge that they now feel guilty for having asked an otherwise perfectly wonderful question.

**I dream...it used to come almost every night...now just once in a while but is getting more vivid with each visit. I walk into our bedroom where Talia is laying while my parents are talking to her. I feel her and she is not breathing. I go to the doorway and yell for Edgar in a voice that doesn't sound like mine. He grabs her up and cries. I lay beside her just touching her. I see the firemen and police come into the room to make the call as I lay next to her. Then I feel her spirit rise up, rush through me and out the window. The feeling made me jump up and the verticles at the window were moving. She was gone...no longer in our care. I wake up feeling like I have just had to say goodbye again. While I know she is with God and no longer in pain, my heart still hurts.

**Just cause...stupid people iratate me...I know I need to show patience and I am sooo much better at not opening my mouth but COME ON...how do they even survive the day?

**Things happen...butterflies appearing and fluttering around me when I need that extra lift in the day. A white dove that seems to only come to the building by my office when I just want to crawl back under the covers and hide from the world for a little while. Talia's favorite songs on the radio when your driving around feeling down. Things that say no matter what she is still here for us.

**I cry a lot lately for no apparent reason...sucks...I hate to cry...gives me a headache and ruins my makeup. I stopped wearing mascra on my bottom lashes when Natalia first got sick. A fellow blond cancer mom told me about doing this...still have the top on so that it looks like I have some lashes without the racoon look.

**I love that Pia is growing to be strong and independent. I could do without the attitude and mouth that seems to be coming with it...but for the most part she makes me so proud. She told me she was holding hands with sissy while we walked out to the car this morning.

That's all I can think of now. I guess it is enough.

Much Love,
Roni

OMG Kindergarten

Miss Sophia is ready for Kindergarten. She went this morning for her assessment test with Mrs McMillian. She did fabulous!! I was so proud of her. She rocked it. She was so proud of herself and eager to start at Weldon. August 24th can not come fast enough for her. I can not wait for her...I also don't want her to go...my baby is starting school...we're getting old...she's getting old. Next it will be driving and dating...thank God we know a lot of officers...with flashlights...who are real big...and look real mean. LOL!!!! Poor teenage Pia.

This morning was also hard for me. I had to go back into Natalia's old kindergarten room and look at where she used to sit and learn. I was great as long as I focused on Sophia but then when I let my eyes wonder, memories would hit me. They are wonderful, happy memories. I just miss her so much. I think having Sophia in the same room will be good for all 3 of us. Sophia will be surrounded by teachers that knew her sister and, something huge for Pia, if Natalia did it first...then it was ok for her to do too. She is not afraid to walk into the classroom and do her thing because Talia was there first and showed Pia that everything was awesome.

Something just to make everyone smile...Sophia is insisting that she needs to lose a tooth. She is after all 5. Sissy lost 4 teeth while she was 5 and some of her friends at school have lost their teeth. When are her teeth coming out! The tooth fairy needs to visit our house and bring her some cash for her teeth now!

Much love,
Roni