Happy Thanksgiving

There I said it!!! I've had to say it a lot these last few days to residents, coworkers and people on the street. It seems to get easier to say every time. It also makes me remember how much I have to be thankful for. I have an incredible husband who supports me no matter what. He is my rock in the storm that life can sometimes be. He is my best friend that I can tell anything to...well there are the female things that he has real desire to know. But you all get the picture. I have an incredible daughter on earth that brings such joy and such frustration. She is the balance in this crazy life. I have a beautiful daughter in heaven, that while I miss with every fiber of my being, brings joy that I was able to be her mother on earth for 7 wonderful years. I have family and friends that have gone this past year with us and helped us stand firm and grow tremendously as people. So while I am sad that Natalia won't physically be with us I am thankful this year and I will happily tell everyone I meet...HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

I finally found an answer that I like to the question "how many children do you have?". Most people do not give a thought to this one. It is just ordinary chit chat and getting to know you question. For someone who has lost a child it is one of the hardest questions to be asked...I have been saying 2 and if I don't say one has died then people wonder where Natalia is all the time. If I say she died from a brain tumor in March(yes my usual answer) it stops people and conversations cold. My new answer is "one on Earth and one in Heaven". I said it to one of Sophia's friends mom the other day and it felt right.

Funny tidbit...Sophia and Christmas...we're back to the same dilemma as last year. She wants everything she sees on TV...for her birthday! Since Edgar and I are currently living with "Sporty Spice"...she sings, she dances and she wants to play every sport out there. I think we are going to aim for keep her physically active Christmas pressies. Not to mention, they would help tire her out enough for Momma and Papa to keep up with her.

Coming up...Make A Wish Stories of Light...December 1st-18th. Help grant a child's wish by donating during this time and raise the stars to the top of the Palm Buffs tower.

Much Love,
Roni

Life Sometimes Sucks!

It's a bad day for me. My control is not to steady and I seem to break at the slightest thought. What brought this on you might ask? The rain, a cold, more insights...nope, a simple question from Sophia. "How many days until Thanksgiving?" Natalia would ask this over and over again 20 to 30 times a day until I thought I would go mad from hearing it so much. It wasn't until a couple of months ago that I began to realize that she was doing her own countdown. "How many days until Thanksgiving? How many days until Christmas?(once again thank you to Marcy and AJ for the countdown to Christmas Snoopy)How many days until my birthday?(January 24th) And then the countdowns stopped and she quickly deteriorated. So, I think she was using the countdowns as a way to measure how long she had to hang on. And then her little body just gave out on her.

I keep hearing her voice in my head today and shatter. All I want to do is bury my head in my pillow and forget about the rest of the world. Of course, that is not an option. So here I am writing and hoping that will take some of the edge off. How else will I get through this holiday season? I can't curl up and hide from the world, how the heck would I explain that to Pia? Life will go on...as trite and as much as it sucks sometimes...it goes on. We need to grow and learn and go forward, not stop or even, God forbid, go backwards. This holiday season will be about learning how to deal with the constant pain of Natalia not being here. It is definately constant, it is just that a lot of the time the pain is in the backround only sinking its teeth in during "shower time". But today its is wearing red, jumping up and down and shouting ooy, ooy ooy! I fully understand why some parents who have lost a child either ingore or go away during the holidays. To be reminded of old traditions tears at your heart. We have a 5 year old that would be totally against this kind of plan. And I don't blame her and, more importantly, I don't want that for her. So we will go on...but please understand if I am sometimes slow to answer you...I'm breathing deep and doing my best to put a smile on my face by remembering how much Natalia loved the holidays.

Much Love,
Roni