That Moment

Wow, maybe it is a sign of emotional stability that I don’t write on Natalia’s Friends that much anymore. Maybe it is just that I am part of cancer parent support groups with people that understand that while certain things can tick me off or make me sad IN THAT MOMENT, those moments don’t last very long. I thank God that it has become moments rather than hours/days/weeks. Speaking of Natalia does not bring on grief, it is always there. Speaking of Natalia brings me joy for knowing & cherishing her amazing life. Yes, tears will come but that is because my love for her has nowhere else to go. I can’t wrap my arms around her, so each tear represents a hug and kiss delivered.

I will admit that my tolerance for outside influences affecting my children has become minuscule. In other words, my BS tolerance is at its lowest point. I know this. I completely admit to it. I am working on making it better. It took me a long time growing up (& a write up on my first ship, the idiot should have known a helicopter wouldn’t be delivering a daily newspaper to the middle of the Caribbean) to curb my blunt, not thinking before I speak, responses to things. But trying to censor my brain and mouth in certain situations has become hard again. I see the cringe in people’s eyes when I talk about Natalia. It’s all I can do at times not to blurt out “she lived and had a great life on this earth, do not diminish her time here by refusing to talk about her.” When I talk about outside influences, I don’t mean the “hard knocks of life” influences or the “learn by making mistakes” influences those I actually cherish because they show me how much Sophia is growing as a person. I really love and cherish the person she is becoming. It sometimes amazes me how incredible of a girl she is…I am allowed to be prejudice; I am her mother after all. Outside influences are other people’s projection on how we should live our live. Back off!!! We are managing incredibly well, given we are now working with the Plan B of our life.

Life now is all about keeping us happy with our sanity intact. If the situation doesn’t allow for that…bye-bye. It might seem selfish, but I don’t care. I am trying to raise a child that wishes with every candle she blows out that her sister will come back to her. I have to continually explain to her that no matter how much she prays to either God or Jesus they cannot return Natalia to her earthly body. When she is told God & Jesus “save” lives she thinks it means mean literally saves lives not souls. She is not impressed. At least she is still talking to them and praying because she is back to refusing to go to church. I will not force her to go back. We had to make Sophia do so many things when Natalia was fighting cancer that I will allow her control over certain aspects of her life. Yes, we got her a cell phone for her birthday! A kick butt Android that allows her to have a ton of pictures of her sister at the touch of her fingers. Sophia has an issue with being out of control of things and the phone allows her instant access to pictures and people when we are out and about. She cannot take it to school or to play, not because she is not responsible, but because she is 7.

“I just want to be normal!” Yep, a stake to the heart with that comment while she was getting ready for school. Sophia is getting better at understanding and verbalizing her emotions. But, man-o-man, I was not prepared for that one. How do you explain to a child that while she is “normal” like other kids in so many ways that, I hope and pray her friends will never know our family’s version of “normal”? She is blunt and down to the “T”. So do not ask for her opinion on things unless you really want to know how she truly feels. Yep, that’s my child. She can be brutal and shows the intelligence of someone much older than her 7 years.

The first day of 2nd grad. I think this hit all 3 of us hard. Sophia was so excited to go but not long after the 3 of us got to Weldon she became very quiet and reserved. Two words usually not associated with my youngest child. Her quiet behavior all day worried some of her friends. She was back in Pia form for day 2. Edgar and I lasted until she walked into her classroom before the breakdown. Sophia is now officially further along than Natalia in school. That was hard. Seeing all the other families with siblings trying to get to the correct line was hard on the 3 of us. It really brings the fact that Natalia should have entered 4th grade this year home. While I love, really love, seeing how much her friends have grown and achieved, that first day of school truly sucked! Then trying to explain to her teacher on back to school night the best way for her to deal with Sophia’s sad/quiet moments, oh yeah, poor teacher I cried through my explanation. It totally and incredibly sucks that I even have to explain it. The teacher already knew Sophia’s situation but needed to know not ask Sophia emotional questions when she is having her moments. Either leave her be or give her a quick hug to let her know she understands. That Sophia had to lose her best friend/co-conspirator/sister to cancer sucks even more then having to explain it!

Well, I already feel better. I guess no matter how much I vent to other cancer mamas, I really need to put Natalia’s Friends to more use again. I am bottling things up and this page allows me to get things straight in my head. It helps keep me sane.

Thanks for listening!

Much Love,
Roni