Some days are just better then others

What can I say, grief sucks! It reaches out and grabs you when you least expect it. Sometimes it washes over you like a wave...quick to hit, heavy tug, pulls away from you just as fast and a calmness follows. Other times it is like a flood...slow to rise, drowning in feeling, slow to leave with lots of rubble left in its path. I hear a song or a certain giggle and the wave hits...I tend to feel a little better after like Natalia just popped by to say HI. I just miss those moments with her. But laundry has been my flood...I can do all the wash and not think anything of it, but, when it comes time to put clothes away...all I see is her things hanging in their place, not getting dirty...I have nothing to put away for her and I just stand there and cry until I have nothing left in me. People say we're are holding up so well and for the most part I think we are doing really well but there are the little...well not so little to us things...Edgar can no longer listen to some of Natalia's favorite songs because they hit to deep...I can't change the sheets on our bed because those were the last thing that close to Natalia's body...if I try hard I can still smell her. The clean sheets are sitting on the end of the bed, I just can't make myself do it.

What puts us in a better place then some...we talk about it...well, Edgar talks, I write...we get those feeling and those hurts out of us...we don't let the volcano build until something explodes. It would not be a pretty sight. As you can tell by the hour of this post...I'm not having a good day...it has been a restless night. A resident asked me before closing the office last night "so, how's your daughter?" Now my rational mind realizes that people tend to live in their own insulated world and not much else gets in so...my emotional mind wanted to kick him to the ground and stomp on him until he wasn't moving anymore...what did I do you ask...I simply told him she passed away last month, thank you for his concern and walked away before I hit him. I knew when I started back to work that I would probably have to face that moment...I wasn't as prepared as I thought I would be. Edgar has also had to go though the same thing at work. I think we have been well insulated by friends and family that we assume everyone knows she passed away. It is hard to have to say the words to someone who doesn't know.

Hey, we are working on an incredible project...fund...whatever...awesomeness...with Weldon Elementary. It is called Natalia's Nest. the nest will be used for helping kids who do not have the means to attend the outdoor education at Sonora trip...sponsoring a family at Christmas. That type of thing. If we can teach 1 child to show kindness and grace to others, we will be honoring her memory in the best way possible. More to follow on this...I think I have hit my wall by getting out the beginning of the blog...tears are going to be way to close to the surface today...I need coffee and a shower.

Much love to you all,
Roni

Thank you Everyone

Long time no write for a reason. It has been so hard to focus. After Natalia passed we still had so much forward momentum to give her the best/perfect for her send off possible. I truely believe we accomplished that. After the Celebration, Edgar and I both started back to work and some of the wind left our sails. We were both very tired. Hard to write when all you want to do is sleep or veg out.

Thank you so much to everyone who came to Natalia's Celebration. It was beyond amazing. Everyone wearing bright colors there to remember the life of a very special little girl. I need to thank Allen, Mary and the rest of the staff at Serenity. Many people commented to us that it was not like any memorial they had been to. Serenity "hosted" an event, like a well planned party. Everyone was made to feel comfortable and welcomed. Also, the wonderful people at Trinity Southern Baptist...the reception afterward was beyond what we could have imagined. The tables were bright and set with flowers and pictures of Natalia...and the food...WOW! She was snacking in Heaven.

Yes, we are both back at work. Many have asked if we were sure this is what we wanted to do...are we sure we didn't need more time? If we had lost her in an instant, no we would have needed to take much longer because we would not have been as good as we are. But we had the time we needed to say goodbye...we had the time we needed to make sure her send off was all we could hope. One thing we learned from Natalia was that you press on no matter how tough things are, you go on and do the very best that you can. I jumped back into work because the office has been very busy. Edgar's work is always busy. It helps to take your mind off the fact that she is physically missing when you are keeping busy. Sitting around the house without her there would have caused us both unbelievable grief so work is helping us heal.

Edgar's sister, Nagchielli, is visiting us until Monday. Tia has been Pia's playmate and constant companion since her arrival on Saturday. She will definately need to take a vacation from her vacation. Speaking of my youngest...she turned 5 yesterday. OMG where did that time go! EVERYONE...we need to get the word out as there are fewer kids in the spring play...ANNIE performing May 16th and 17th at the Fresno Veterns Theater...Our little starlet is an orphan with attitude. She now has 2 lines and gets to throw a screaming tantrum...we are so proud. hahahahaha Tickets are $11 or $16 for prime seating. The kids all do a wonderful job with the show and you never quiet know what Pia will do on stage...if you laugh she gets more famboyant.

I've started to read blogs of other BT families...the stories are amazing...I will be in touch soon...

Much love to you all,
Roni

Home

It was a good long weekend for us. Edgar and I finally unwound a bit. By the time we left Sunday afternoon I was just heart sore and exhausted...this time in a good way. I can actually feel myself starting to catch up on that bone deep tiredness.

Saturday was such a beautiful day. Thank you to all our friends and family who were able to share it with us. The sun was out and the wind had gone away. I thought we would have to go out of the bay and into the ocean to spread her ashes but that was not the case...we were able to spread them in the center of the bay so she could be with everything she loved. There was peace to know that not only was her soul in a beautiful place but now her body was in the most beautiful spot we could pick. When we got back to land...by the way Redd is definitely not a water dog, he was not impressed with the boat at all...we took everyone to Natalia's favorite ice cream spot for tasty treats.

Later that afternoon, Pia was playing in the ocean, holding her arms up to the sky and calling for sissy to come play with her...it was awesome! We all relaxed and watched the sunset from the hotel...when I say relaxed, I do fully mean it. I could actually feel that last bit of tightness in me loosen while the sun went down. I could feel Natalia unbound from her earthly chains. Thank you everyone for making sure we had fun Saturday night. Leaving on Sunday was still hard...driving away from our oldest child...heart palpations hit by Gilroy and I just started praying...it's gotten me through so many tough times then, now...always. By the time we got home all 3 of us were exhausted. I slept on and off the rest of the day. Pia cuddled in bed with Redd and watched "her" shows while Papa relaxed as only a cop can by looking at guns online. LOL...it made me laugh whenever I came out of the bedroom.

Moment for shameless plug...you all know I manage an apartment complex, so I have access to some wonderful businesses and people...A friend asked if she could do anything for us and I finally took her up on it because A)housework has not been a priority these last couple weeks(while my house was not a pigpen it was not normal for us) and B)Edgar's sister Nagchielli is coming for a visit this upcoming Saturday. MG Janitorial is the name of Terry's company and they do an incredible job. My house was spotless and it was such a major relief to walk in and have it be amazing...it is part of the reason that I got to sleep on and off for the rest of the day. So THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU TERRY!

Today we need to take some of Natalia's favorite things to Serenity for them to use on her table tomorrow. We also are going to call the Fresno Bee and let them have it with both barrels...they misspelled her name on her obituary yesterday...we went over the proof at Serenity on Wednesday and everything was good...one spelling change...but when we saw the paper yesterday, the name they put under her picture was "Natalie Joy Valle"...I don't have a NataliE. It was correct throughout the rest of the story...mad was minor compared to what we were. Tomorrow is the Celebration...honestly, the closer it gets the more I want to push it back...it is like letting go again...but that is not what Natalia was all about...we go forward no matter what...she will be honored...then I stop and think...she would have had a blast at it so you know what...so should I...she is never far from me...whenever my heart is sore I pray and the Lord comforts me and for a moment I can feel Talia's arms around me and I know...It's going to be okay.

Praying...I have never been an out loud prayer...it bugs me...not for others, I actually admire that some people have the ability to do it...I just never have. I have always felt like I have this internal line to God...even as a kid I would just have long running conversations in my head with him. My faith has been tested throughout life but I have always known that that line was there and all I had to do was use it and the Lord would answer. It brings me peace...kind of like going to your happy place...well that line is part of my happy place. Sometimes I feel lacking because I find it hard to pray out loud...then I talk to the Lord about it and the answer is always the same...just talk to me and you will be fine. Enough for now...Pia just woke up and time for breakfast.

Much love to you all,
Roni

This is the day

Good Morning all,
And I do mean good...I have managed to have 2 good night's sleep and Edgar finally got a good one last night. We have been in Monterey since Thursday night. Yesterday was blowing a gale and it was freezing...got up this morning to walk Redd for his morning business and it was beautiful and calm. Even with the gale we walked along the beach and played in the water. Edgar flew the kite and we found peace. Is today going to be hard for us...yes indeed...we have to take the last step in letting Natalia go...she will always be in our hearts and minds and her soul is with God...now her body will be free as well. If you know the words to Puff the Magic Dragon, please join me in singing them at approximately 2:30pm...one last time for Talia.

Much love to you all,
Roni