Angelversary Day…Natalia was definitely with us all day.
We decided not to leave at the break of dawn, as was the original plan, because of the weather. The rain was forecasted for the entire day and low temps in the San Francisco area made us want to wait until the sun was up for a while. Coffee at Dutch Brothers…they’re always so nice and upbeat, not to mention the coffee is high octane! Hit the highway at 9am with the tunes blasting! Storm clouds and wind all the way between Fresno and San Francisco.
We made our turn off the highway onto Octavia and the rain slowed to a sprinkle. We drove around UCSF and past both Family Houses that had been so much a part of our lives for 11 months. We parked the car at Judah and 9th to walk down to our favorite Chinese place, Nan King Road Bistro and the rain stopped. We walked around for a bit after to settle lunch and check out some of our favorite shops. Then Donut World…for the necessary chocolate donut. Back in the car for the drive to Ocean Beach and the skies opened up. We decided to brave the rain and cold to walk on the beach only to be driven back into the car after being blasted hard by sand (I was still finding sand in my scalp Monday morning after 2 showers). We waited maybe 10 minutes, the wind died down, the rain eased and by the time we walked down to the surf the sun had come out and the rain completely stopped. Yep, Natalia at her best! Edgar & I gave Sophia only one rule, do not get wet! SHE stayed dry. I, on the other hand, ended up soaked below the knees because I was so focused on a rock in the sand that I didn’t notice the fast approaching surf. Natalia never could stay dry either. She was always so focused on what the water was revealing in the sand to notice when the waves were coming back in. I felt so close to her, yet so far away, in that moment.
We played on the beach for over an hour then decided to head out, but, couldn’t make ourselves leave SF quiet yet. We ended up at Fisherman’s Wharf just strolling around enjoying the remainder of the beautiful day. By the time we got home late Saturday, we were totally wiped. The trip and the emotions of the week had taken their toll and the 3 of us spent Sunday not moving more than necessary. The trip to San Francisco helped restore some peace to our lives. We all felt Natalia with us and that was the greatest gift of the day. We feel her presence at different times but when the grief threatens to overcome everything else, her healing calm can be hard to find.
Our life for the next few weeks will be surrounded in the chaos of preparing for Sophia’s birthday party. She has never had an “invite the friends” birthday party. When she was little we combined Easter dinner with her birthday celebration. We left her 4th birthday party to take Natalia to UCSF for a 2nd opinion just after she was diagnosed with the brain tumor. Her 5th birthday was 2 weeks after Natalia passed away and no one was in a big party mood. Her 6th was spent in Phoenix with the Wish Riders so this year… Pia’s getting her Backyard/BBQ/Bounce house rocking birthday party. She got to pick EVERYONE one she wanted to come, including adults. In addition to her own guest list, she is making a checklist of things that need to get done around the house before the party. Her notebook contains all!!! We have orders not to touch the notebook! A MAJOR special guest coming to town for her birthday and we can’t wait for her to find out who it is…Sophia has no idea this person is coming!!! It will really help make this birthday truly special.
Much love to you all,
Roni
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
Counting the Hours
Two years tomorrow…24 months…730 days…17,520 hours…1,051,200 minutes…can you imagine? I hope not. I hope you never have to imagine the horror of it.
This week has been tough. Emotions just all over the place. Tuesday and Thursday I was crying at the drop of a hat. The worst…Sophia came to me Monday night and said she couldn’t remember how Natalia looked unless she was looking at a picture or seeing her in a dream. She was crushed…Edgar and I were crushed. She is still mad at God for not bring her sister back to her. She still asks Him in her prayers for sissy to come home. At times, I hurt more for Sophia then for myself. I see how she looks at other families with siblings and the longing on her face for her best friend and always ready partner in crime.
I have always used Natalia as a benchmark for Sophia’s growth…physically and mentally. Saturday is the last time I can do that. There is 27 months between them. Sophia turns 7 in April and Natalia will be forever 7. Sophia will become her own benchmark…not that she hasn’t always been unique but now she will be the trailblazer. At least, for the moment, I still have some of Natalia’s clothes for her to grow into. That helps remind her that she is the little sister. She wears one of Natalia’s sweaters when she feels the need to be closer to her. The red sweater hangs on her but Sophia says she feels like Natalia is hugging her and she sees how close she is getting to Natalia’s size. I don’t think she will wear many of the clothes as they didn’t have the same taste but, according to Pia, “we keep them until I am big enough to fit in them. THEN I will decide.” She doesn’t want to let go either.
Much Love,
Roni
This week has been tough. Emotions just all over the place. Tuesday and Thursday I was crying at the drop of a hat. The worst…Sophia came to me Monday night and said she couldn’t remember how Natalia looked unless she was looking at a picture or seeing her in a dream. She was crushed…Edgar and I were crushed. She is still mad at God for not bring her sister back to her. She still asks Him in her prayers for sissy to come home. At times, I hurt more for Sophia then for myself. I see how she looks at other families with siblings and the longing on her face for her best friend and always ready partner in crime.
I have always used Natalia as a benchmark for Sophia’s growth…physically and mentally. Saturday is the last time I can do that. There is 27 months between them. Sophia turns 7 in April and Natalia will be forever 7. Sophia will become her own benchmark…not that she hasn’t always been unique but now she will be the trailblazer. At least, for the moment, I still have some of Natalia’s clothes for her to grow into. That helps remind her that she is the little sister. She wears one of Natalia’s sweaters when she feels the need to be closer to her. The red sweater hangs on her but Sophia says she feels like Natalia is hugging her and she sees how close she is getting to Natalia’s size. I don’t think she will wear many of the clothes as they didn’t have the same taste but, according to Pia, “we keep them until I am big enough to fit in them. THEN I will decide.” She doesn’t want to let go either.
Much Love,
Roni
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Angelversary Coming Up
Natalia’s birthday was easier to get through this year. We had 21 months to process the emotions of her not being by our sides. It was truly beautiful in Monterey this year. The sun was shining and the weather amazing. We spent most of our time on the beach playing with her. Sophia and I wrote her messages in the sand while Edgar flew her kite as high as he could. The aquarium was probably the hardest moment for me. Sophia demanded a picture be taken of her in the giant clam. While I love to measure how much she has grown each time we visit by how the clam keeps getting smaller, seeing her in it without Natalia at her side is always crushing. I hear Natalia’s laughter and her joy at discovery in every corner of the Aquarium. We had cupcakes and Chinese food for her celebration. Then we all watched the sun set over the bay…all bright pinks and purples for Natalia.
Hard to believe Natalia’s Angelversary is coming up on March 26th. She will have been gone 2 years…God saying that does not make it any easier. In fact, I tried my best to put it completely from my mind until Edgar asked what I wanted to do for it this year. When I think back on it I remember a slide show of events: feeling her last breath, screaming for Edgar, watching the firemen call it, felling her soul fly from her body and out the window, calling a friend and asking her to bring Sophia home right away, deciding what to be taken with for her cremation. Everything else is a blur. Thank God we had taken care of most the details of what we wanted done prior to her death because there is no way we would have been in any condition to do it after.
Edgar had the best idea of how to honor the day. (I won’t say celebrate) We are heading to San Francisco for the day. Going to hit the Wharf, go to the 24 hour donut place for a chocolate donut and maybe get some Chinese from our favorite place. I think I also want to spend some time walking around Golden Gate Park. Natalia spent a lot of time walking in that park while going through treatment. Edgar did a fantastic job keeping her spirits and strength up by taking her for walks, Wednesday donuts and singing to her favorite tunes. For those of you not with us, may I suggest Chinese food and blowing bubbles!
Much love to you all…I have to get back to work!
Roni
Hard to believe Natalia’s Angelversary is coming up on March 26th. She will have been gone 2 years…God saying that does not make it any easier. In fact, I tried my best to put it completely from my mind until Edgar asked what I wanted to do for it this year. When I think back on it I remember a slide show of events: feeling her last breath, screaming for Edgar, watching the firemen call it, felling her soul fly from her body and out the window, calling a friend and asking her to bring Sophia home right away, deciding what to be taken with for her cremation. Everything else is a blur. Thank God we had taken care of most the details of what we wanted done prior to her death because there is no way we would have been in any condition to do it after.
Edgar had the best idea of how to honor the day. (I won’t say celebrate) We are heading to San Francisco for the day. Going to hit the Wharf, go to the 24 hour donut place for a chocolate donut and maybe get some Chinese from our favorite place. I think I also want to spend some time walking around Golden Gate Park. Natalia spent a lot of time walking in that park while going through treatment. Edgar did a fantastic job keeping her spirits and strength up by taking her for walks, Wednesday donuts and singing to her favorite tunes. For those of you not with us, may I suggest Chinese food and blowing bubbles!
Much love to you all…I have to get back to work!
Roni
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