Growing Up

Let me first apologize to my husband. Poor Edgar, I seem to have some of my biggest meltdowns not long before he has to walk out the door for his shift. Not only does he have to deal with not so good people but he has to worry about how I am holding up.

Today's melt...I was folding laundry(oh joy)when I realized, Sophia won't fit into her jeans by the middle of summer. She is getting so tall. I thought "Oh, I will need to buy her some new ones soon." Then it hit me, she is big enough for the next set of Natalia's clothes. I stored the boxes in the back of Pia's closet but I kept thinking she would be big enough "in a couple of years". That's when the baseball bat hit. It has been a couple of years. Sophia is now older then Natalia was here on earth. She is finishing 1st grade and excited for second. I am so incredibly proud of the person she is becoming. The other morning I asked Sophia if she was worried about taking a test in school. She said she never worries about them because sissy is always there to help her with the answers. Blew me away!

As I went to grab the box, Natalia's voice told me to open the other box too. The box of Natalia's special pieces, the ones that were never to be worn by anyone again. She told me it was time. Talia always got a kick out of it when Sophia fit into her old clothes. She would giggle and tell Pia how cute she looked and funny things she remembered about wearing the piece. Although they are now the same age, Natalia will still be passing Sophia clothes for the next couple of years. Natalia was tall for her age and the steroids added a lot of weight, where as, Sophia is right there with her classmates in size. Today when she saw me pulling out the clothes Sophia said sissy told her it was time for her to wear her stuff. There are some pieces that won't ever leave the box but others Talia and Pia will giggle about together, as usual. And that helps me get through.

Much Love,
Roni

The Angelversary

Angelversary Day…Natalia was definitely with us all day.
We decided not to leave at the break of dawn, as was the original plan, because of the weather. The rain was forecasted for the entire day and low temps in the San Francisco area made us want to wait until the sun was up for a while. Coffee at Dutch Brothers…they’re always so nice and upbeat, not to mention the coffee is high octane! Hit the highway at 9am with the tunes blasting! Storm clouds and wind all the way between Fresno and San Francisco.

We made our turn off the highway onto Octavia and the rain slowed to a sprinkle. We drove around UCSF and past both Family Houses that had been so much a part of our lives for 11 months. We parked the car at Judah and 9th to walk down to our favorite Chinese place, Nan King Road Bistro and the rain stopped. We walked around for a bit after to settle lunch and check out some of our favorite shops. Then Donut World…for the necessary chocolate donut. Back in the car for the drive to Ocean Beach and the skies opened up. We decided to brave the rain and cold to walk on the beach only to be driven back into the car after being blasted hard by sand (I was still finding sand in my scalp Monday morning after 2 showers). We waited maybe 10 minutes, the wind died down, the rain eased and by the time we walked down to the surf the sun had come out and the rain completely stopped. Yep, Natalia at her best! Edgar & I gave Sophia only one rule, do not get wet! SHE stayed dry. I, on the other hand, ended up soaked below the knees because I was so focused on a rock in the sand that I didn’t notice the fast approaching surf. Natalia never could stay dry either. She was always so focused on what the water was revealing in the sand to notice when the waves were coming back in. I felt so close to her, yet so far away, in that moment.

We played on the beach for over an hour then decided to head out, but, couldn’t make ourselves leave SF quiet yet. We ended up at Fisherman’s Wharf just strolling around enjoying the remainder of the beautiful day. By the time we got home late Saturday, we were totally wiped. The trip and the emotions of the week had taken their toll and the 3 of us spent Sunday not moving more than necessary. The trip to San Francisco helped restore some peace to our lives. We all felt Natalia with us and that was the greatest gift of the day. We feel her presence at different times but when the grief threatens to overcome everything else, her healing calm can be hard to find.

Our life for the next few weeks will be surrounded in the chaos of preparing for Sophia’s birthday party. She has never had an “invite the friends” birthday party. When she was little we combined Easter dinner with her birthday celebration. We left her 4th birthday party to take Natalia to UCSF for a 2nd opinion just after she was diagnosed with the brain tumor. Her 5th birthday was 2 weeks after Natalia passed away and no one was in a big party mood. Her 6th was spent in Phoenix with the Wish Riders so this year… Pia’s getting her Backyard/BBQ/Bounce house rocking birthday party. She got to pick EVERYONE one she wanted to come, including adults. In addition to her own guest list, she is making a checklist of things that need to get done around the house before the party. Her notebook contains all!!! We have orders not to touch the notebook! A MAJOR special guest coming to town for her birthday and we can’t wait for her to find out who it is…Sophia has no idea this person is coming!!! It will really help make this birthday truly special.

Much love to you all,
Roni

Counting the Hours

Two years tomorrow…24 months…730 days…17,520 hours…1,051,200 minutes…can you imagine? I hope not. I hope you never have to imagine the horror of it.

This week has been tough. Emotions just all over the place. Tuesday and Thursday I was crying at the drop of a hat. The worst…Sophia came to me Monday night and said she couldn’t remember how Natalia looked unless she was looking at a picture or seeing her in a dream. She was crushed…Edgar and I were crushed. She is still mad at God for not bring her sister back to her. She still asks Him in her prayers for sissy to come home. At times, I hurt more for Sophia then for myself. I see how she looks at other families with siblings and the longing on her face for her best friend and always ready partner in crime.

I have always used Natalia as a benchmark for Sophia’s growth…physically and mentally. Saturday is the last time I can do that. There is 27 months between them. Sophia turns 7 in April and Natalia will be forever 7. Sophia will become her own benchmark…not that she hasn’t always been unique but now she will be the trailblazer. At least, for the moment, I still have some of Natalia’s clothes for her to grow into. That helps remind her that she is the little sister. She wears one of Natalia’s sweaters when she feels the need to be closer to her. The red sweater hangs on her but Sophia says she feels like Natalia is hugging her and she sees how close she is getting to Natalia’s size. I don’t think she will wear many of the clothes as they didn’t have the same taste but, according to Pia, “we keep them until I am big enough to fit in them. THEN I will decide.” She doesn’t want to let go either.

Much Love,
Roni

Angelversary Coming Up

Natalia’s birthday was easier to get through this year. We had 21 months to process the emotions of her not being by our sides. It was truly beautiful in Monterey this year. The sun was shining and the weather amazing. We spent most of our time on the beach playing with her. Sophia and I wrote her messages in the sand while Edgar flew her kite as high as he could. The aquarium was probably the hardest moment for me. Sophia demanded a picture be taken of her in the giant clam. While I love to measure how much she has grown each time we visit by how the clam keeps getting smaller, seeing her in it without Natalia at her side is always crushing. I hear Natalia’s laughter and her joy at discovery in every corner of the Aquarium. We had cupcakes and Chinese food for her celebration. Then we all watched the sun set over the bay…all bright pinks and purples for Natalia.
Hard to believe Natalia’s Angelversary is coming up on March 26th. She will have been gone 2 years…God saying that does not make it any easier. In fact, I tried my best to put it completely from my mind until Edgar asked what I wanted to do for it this year. When I think back on it I remember a slide show of events: feeling her last breath, screaming for Edgar, watching the firemen call it, felling her soul fly from her body and out the window, calling a friend and asking her to bring Sophia home right away, deciding what to be taken with for her cremation. Everything else is a blur. Thank God we had taken care of most the details of what we wanted done prior to her death because there is no way we would have been in any condition to do it after.
Edgar had the best idea of how to honor the day. (I won’t say celebrate) We are heading to San Francisco for the day. Going to hit the Wharf, go to the 24 hour donut place for a chocolate donut and maybe get some Chinese from our favorite place. I think I also want to spend some time walking around Golden Gate Park. Natalia spent a lot of time walking in that park while going through treatment. Edgar did a fantastic job keeping her spirits and strength up by taking her for walks, Wednesday donuts and singing to her favorite tunes. For those of you not with us, may I suggest Chinese food and blowing bubbles!

Much love to you all…I have to get back to work!
Roni

We Survived!

Writing has become harder. I feel like I am saying the same thing over and over and I hate that. So my entries in this blog have become further apart.

We survived the Holiday Season. Yup, I said survived! I can’t think of it in any other way anymore. I held myself clenched so tightly during November and December that it took 3 bottles of red wine and sunny outside day to finally unwind me. Thank you Edgar for taking care of me that day! I felt like I was walking on egg shells that entire time. I didn’t which way my emotions were going to roll and everything hurt. Sleepless nights and endless days. The bright spot, as always, was Sophia. No matter how much you just want to ignore the holidays you need to do more than just go through the motions when you have a little one. Sophia loves life so much and joy just beams from her that you get caught up in it as well. You put on your happy face and remember to live in the moment.

Monday is Natalia’s 9th birthday. I am imagine she is going to have one heck of a party in Heaven…it just sucks that this is our second without her. We are heading to Monterey on Sunday for a few days. We are going to spend time on her beach. We plan to fly kites, blow bubbles, visit the Aquarium, throw rose petals to the surf and play with Talia in the water. It is supposed to be beautiful there. Last year, the weather was supposed to be awful but I know Natalia had a hand in making it beautiful for us…the rain moved in just as we were leaving.

We stay at The Beach Resort Best Western. It is right on the beach as you head into town. We have an ocean view room so we can watch and listen to the water. This is the last place we took Natalia before she became home bound, so, it has special memories for us. I love looking out at the water and knowing she is free. It helps bring peace after spending the holidays and birthday without her. We feel more connected to her when we visit the beach. Sophia, of course, cannot wait and has been counting down the days. She runs straight for the water, holds up her arms, and yells for sissy to come play.

Much Love,
Roni

...On Strength

I just heard it again, someone “thinks” we are a strong family…but in this case it seems that they are really calling us weak for certain choices…live in our shoes is what I have to say. That wonderful, always strong front you see has been forged in the fire and is now like steel. We work extremely hard to make our little family as strong as possible and we will do all that is necessary to keep it that way. A part of us is missing and there are times when it is a blinding pain that threatens to crush us. So I ask, why go into a situation that we KNOW is going to contribute to that pain? If we do things a certain way, it is because those are the best choices for our family at that point in time. We live daily with the knowledge that Natalia did not get her big miracle. We dealt with the fact that with pain can also come great joy. That blowing bubbles in the face of death can sometimes be the best medicine. I think is too bad that others did not get to learn that with her. We deal with her missing part of our soul every single day. We have learned that the ties that bind aren’t always made by blood. We learned to make the most of what God has given us and leave out all the rest. That is where strength comes from. I’m just saying…

Much Love,
Roni

The Language of Grief...great article!

I read this article this morning and have to share. I really loved this and it tapped into a lot of how I feel.


The Language of Grief

By Darcie D. Sims, Ph.D., GMS, CGC, CHT

Once I lived the American Dream. We were a happy family, military by career, parents by choice. And with the birth of our son, our family was to have been complete. We were the American Dream—at least for a little while.
And then, as it happened to you and to so many, it all ended. We learned you couldn’t paint a rainbow on the wall and expect it to stay. The dream came to pieces and we were shattered. No longer the American Dream, we became the American Nightmare. We were bereaved.
We had entered a world we knew nothing about. Suddenly we were strangers in a strange land. We needed help. We needed understanding. We needed someone who could speak our language . . . the language of grief.
We discovered we were grieving, not only the death of our child, but the loss of close friendships, self-esteem, and self-identity as well. We were SO alone . . . left untouched by those around us who must have been afraid, too. Perhaps Death is “catching,” or maybe no one knew what to say. I didn’t know what to hear. But, as the months passed, it only grew darker and we began to wonder if we would ever know peace, joy, or love again.
Eventually, we began to wander and found a few support systems (Thank heavens for TCF!). The Compassionate Friends became a lifeline for us. We found we were not as alone as we feared and we began to struggle through the valley of grief. But as the years went by, I noticed that we and all the other bereaved people we began to know were still struggling with something. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, until one day, I listened to the words we were all using to describe our grief journey. As I listened to my own words and those of fellow strugglers, I began to realize it was not the journey we were having trouble with . . . it was the language we used.
So, I want to create a NEW LANGUAGE! Can we speak in terms of HOPE instead of sorrow? I want to create a new language where Denial is a river in Egypt, not a sin in grieving. Maybe denial isn’t really denial but Postponement. Sometimes I’m just not ready to deal with reality. Before you can deny anything, you have to acknowledge it and once you acknowledge it, then you can postpone it until you are ready or able to cope. Postponement just seems to be a more accurate and usable word.
Perhaps we can replace Acceptance and Acknowledgement. Acceptance, to me, means agree with and I Will Never Agree with what has happened to us! But I can work towards Acknowledgement of what has happened.
Maybe we can change the words we use. Change the Language of Grief into the Language of Hope. Let’s get rid of the word LOST and find the word FOUND. People die, but we do not lose them. They are forever threads in our fabric, memories in our heart, love in our being. They are now and always will be a living and loving part of who we are.
And then, perhaps we can change one more word in the Language of Grief. Can we use the word Healing instead of Recovery? Recovery is a medical word, designed to describe broken bones, not hearts. We recover from a broken arm or the chicken pox. But recover or get over the death of someone I love . . . ? We don’t Get Over the death of someone we love! We get THROUGH IT, one moment, one hour, one day, one hurt at a time. Healing is a hopeful word and I want to be hopeful in my journey.
And let’s get rid of Closure as well! There is no such thing as closure! YOU DON’T STOP LOVING SOMEONE JUST BECAUSE THEY DIED. We grieve because we loved someone! And we WILL CONTINUE TO LOVE THEM FOREVER!
If I could just see HOPE. I kept looking for the aisle marked happiness. I thought it was a place. I kept waiting for it to get better and it only grew darker. If I could just see hope . . .
Hope isn’t a place or a thing. Hope isn’t the absence of pain, fear or sadness. Hope is the possibility of renewed joy. It is the memory of love given and received. Hope is you and me and the person next to you and across the room, down the street and in your dreams.
We are each other’s hope and we need a new language to reflect our hopefulness, not our despair. If we could just change these few words, I believe we might be able to make some progress towards healing. I am tired of struggling to accept when acknowledgment is more honest. I am tired of being in denial when I know exactly what it is I want to deny, so how can you say I am denying anything? I just want to postpone it for awhile. When I feel more capable, less tired and have some skills and tools, then I will work on my “denial.”
And nothing, nothing closes at the funeral except the casket! I will always continue to love my child and hold him within my heart, my spirit, and every fiber of my being. I will have an ongoing and continuing relationship with him until I can once again hold him in my arms. If that is “crazy,” then yes, I am! As a psychotherapist and a bereaved mom, I believe it is my right to continue to love my child forever and loving your child should not be considered as mentally unhealthy. Good-bye? You want me to say good-bye? I wasn’t through saying Hello!
I want a new language, a language of hope and healing instead of denial and death. I want to remember my child’s LIFE first! And that is the new language of love!
May love be what you remember the most!