Hey all, Edgar made me talk everything out last night so now I will talk it out with you.
Those of you who know me well will understand part of the rant that I had yesterday. When people tell me I'm such a strong person for being able to do the every day things I do such as go to work and carry on with Sophia's lessons, I feel like such a fake. I'm not any stronger then any other parent would be if this happened to them. I cry at the drop of a hat when I have to talk about what Natalia is going through. There is a huge reason Edgar is the public voice of this family. He can keep it together in public much better then I can. My morning showers are my breakdown time. I get my 5 minutes crying in before having to face another day of not being able to fix Natalia's booboo. I feel like fragile glass. I try to carry on through the day as if nothing is out of the norm because cancer is now our norm. It's there and there is nothing we can do about that.
I can not honestly see how any of you would not be doing the same thing. Where our children are concerned a good parent is willing to move any mountain to make sure they get the best from us that they possibly can. If you curl up in a ball of grief and ignore the rest of the world so will they, what kind of life is that? Positive thinking and positive behavior go miles toward recovery. When you get knocked in the face with bad news you take the hit and respond with "now what happens next". You begin to recover faster and do not let the bad take over your life. People who claim they are at peace with the beast of cancer (at least to me)have to either be glossing over the truth(notice I did not say lying) or out of touch with reality. This is a war and we are not going down. Strong I am not, stubborn I am totally. I made my peace with God in July when it looked like he was going to take Natalia. He gave gave her back to us and told us the fight was still on. Well, I am not going to give her back any time soon. While I love the warm blanket that your support and kind words wash over me and help to make the booboo a little better, do not tell me I am strong...stubborn, tenacious...those I'll take.
Much love to you all,
Roni
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3 comments:
I just wanted to let you know that I do understand every word you are saying, having been through it with my son Keeghan. It isn't strength that gets us through this battle - it's love. We love our children so vehemently, nothing else can stop us from being there for them. That doesn't make us strong though. It just makes us good mothers.
The shower . . . that's funny. I thought I was the only one that cried in the shower every day.
I wish I could make this beast go away. Trust me, it is the only thing that keeps me going sometimes is hoping to see someone beat it. I hope you don't mind that I will be following Natalia's story.
Blessings.
Shannon
Honey - If you didn't get all cranky I would be worried. We still love you! sHIRLEY
Roni, You are only human! How can you go through this and not feel the things you are feeling. I understand the crying in the shower. Sometimes thats just what we need to get through something like this. I wouldn't call you stubborn just determined to beat this and you will!! We love you and your family. God Bless.
Christi Steinhauer
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