Hibernation

Hibernating seems to be the best way to describe what I have been doing these past two months. Part of me is disappointed in myself for just hanging out in the house and not doing much outside of it. Not calling on friends and getting out and doing more to explore Fresno like I thought I would be doing during this time off. I know that I have isolated myself and don't know how to get out of the cocoon I have made around myself. The other part of me knows that I needed to do just that...take time out to curl up in a ball of pain and let it flow out. To be able to allow myself to let go of emotions without anyone around to show pity or sympathy. Either of those would cause me to suck the emotions back in only to choke on them later. When Natalia first got sick we made the decision that Edgar would be her main caregiver while I continued to work. We both took a short time off when she passed away and then went back into life at full speed. This time off has helped calm my emotional roller coaster. Yes, I still water up every day but now it something that a deep breath can usually handle. My lows aren't as low or as long and my highs don't feel forced.

The current storm of a "first"...It was a year ago that Edgar and I were in our kitchen in the wee hours of morning coming to a decision. We could see that the chemo was no longer working. Natalia was losing her battle with brain cancer. Her little body was beginning to fade and it was finally too much. It was time to stop the treatments. It was time to let her go. It was time to give her body the same dignity that her spirit had always inspired. Her smile and her thumbs up never left her but the pain was becoming too much for her body to endure. In a perfect world it is a decision that no parent should have to make...the decision to let your child die. God helped us to find the strength to make the decision then helped us stay strong throughout her final month and half. I have no guilt from this choice because it was the absolutely right thing to do for her. We loved her enough to let her go. She got to spend that time at home with her family and friends. She was NOT stuck in a hospital that she hated. She was not surrounded with grief. We could see her spirit getting closer to leave her body and while it hurt us it brought comfort to know she was spending more time in God's presence. But no matter what I still hate the phrase "actively dieing". It is the state that the body systems are shutting down but the spirit is still holding on. Natalia spent 2 days "actively dieing". Hibernation has helped because I honestly don't know how I would have coped with the "firsts" if I was more involved in the outside world. Hibernation has allowed me to feel things in the moment and not to have to suck it up and wait...usually heading for an emotional explosion.

However, I do believe I have had enough of hibernating. If you have any ideas on fun things to do or other interesting ideas, please let me know. Edgar has made sure I don't feel like a total loser by just hanging around the house. Yes, I do a lot to keep our lives running smoothly that I don't even realize I do most of the time. When I start to feel depressed he reminds me of all these things which makes me love him all the more. Then, of course, there is Sophia. She is the balance in all this. Yes, Edgar and I both say this a lot because she is simply Pia. Sophia is a force of nature and will always keep us on our toes. I have interviewed for a job that I would really, REALLY like to do. It appeals to me because it would be a new challenge every day and I do like to be challenged. Now I need to wait because of bump in the transfer road of the woman whose position I interviewed for. Hopefully things go well for her, then I will get my second interview to wow them. So please prayers!!!

Much Love,
Roni

Monterey Pics

"I'm here Sissy!!!! Come play with me!!!"

Natalia's Birthday

Pretty Pia

What can I say? He was having fun in the sand.

Natalia's Birthday

Monterey was incredible! We found some peace again. Thank you God and Natalia for providing awesome weather.

We discovered Olalieberry pie at Casa de Fruita on our way…OMG you all need to try this stuff. It is a hybrid berry and is incredible warmed up with ice cream. If you have never stopped at Casa de Fruita, please give it a try. It is the perfect rest stop on Hwy 152 between Los Banos and Gilroy. They have restaurants, shops, playground, merry go round, train and other fun things for the family to do. Edgar and Sophia rode the merry go round before we hit the final leg of our journey. I almost had major freak out moment when two little girls with the same haircuts as Pia & Talia at the same age (approx 2/3) stood in line for their turn on the merry go round. Sucked that one up quick…because Sophia is the balance in all this and with her laughing and dancing on the back of the horse I could hear her sister laughing at her as well.

The weather was perfect…well…not for kite flying…no wind at all. We all played in the played in the surf Saturday and ended up soaking wet. While the water wasn’t warm it wasn’t freezing either. We 3 had a blast chasing the waves in and out. Our room faced the ocean so we could really hear the surf and just looking out at the Bay helped sooth our souls. We walked around Cannery Row and Fisherman’s Wharf that night before having an awesome seafood dinner. Yes, these areas are tourist traps, but they are fun and we have always enjoyed them.

Sunday…Natalia’s birthday…the morning was hard, really hard. I couldn’t make up my mind about anything and I couldn’t stop crying. I missed her so bad it felt like my soul was being torn apart again. Like losing her all over again. I kept seeing birthdays past...OMG labor and delivery. I felt like I was going out of my mind and nothing seemed to be helping. I think Edgar and I were torn between popping each other and grabbing on and holding tight. Finally we went upstairs to the hotel restaurant and had a wonderful breakfast. Calm came over me and so did the plan for our day. We started off at the Aquarium…the new sea horse exhibit is amazing. We spent a lot of time at the Open Sea tank. For those of you who have never been to the Monterey Bay Aquarium, the Open Sea tank is incredible. Six foot long tuna swim with sharks, sting rays, sea turtles, sun fish, schools of mackerel and barracudas. All while you stand in front of this immense wall of water and new age music plays in the back round. You will never think of a can of tuna the same way again. We walked around Cannery Row again and Pia had her face painted. Then off to Pino’s for gelato…one of our favorite places. It is on the promenade just up from Fisherman’s Wharf. Did I mention the weather was incredible? Then back to the hotel so we could play on the beach. My Mom brought rose petals to throw into the ocean for Natalia. This time I put Pia in her swim suit and off into to ocean we went. We threw the petals into the surf while we all played in the waves. Edgar tried valiantly to fly the kite but there was no breeze at all, just beautiful sunshine. Have I mentioned that it was SUPPOSED to be in the high 40’s with 80% chance of showers? We wanted to have dinner at the Fishman’s Wife in Seaside but it was closed, funny thing is that we passed Natalia’s favorite Chinese restaurant on the way…Edgar and I grinned at each, yes Natalia would prefer Chinese for her birthday dinner. The Happy Dragon has great, inexpensive food. The highlight of the trip that still has me chuckling…picture my husband who can bench press 385lbs, has biceps the size of my thighs(and I am not a small woman) and is a physically imposing man. Our waitress (might weigh 105lbs soaking wet) begins to remove the plates from our table, looks at Edgar’s plate and tells him, in a stern voice, to finish his broccoli before she will take his plate…and he did. We were all cracking up about it. It was a wonderful day! Just what Natalia ordered up for her family. Because you know what, Natalia would have told him to finish the broccoli too.

It is still hard. I dream with almost perfect clarity days gone by with Natalia and then wake to find her not there and can’t get back to sleep. I keep trying to finish putting together our front bedroom where we just put all the “what I am going to do with this” boxes. Well in most of them are memories. With Sophia most, if not all, of her pictures are on computer. With Natalia, all of her pictures until she was 2 are all hard copy. So with every box are pictures of my beautiful, laughing baby girl followed close by Mama having an emotional meltdown. But I found a picture yesterday that just calmed me in the middle of the storm. I don’t even know what about the picture stopped the meltdown. Natalia was about 1 ½ old in a blue sweater showing off her top and bottom teeth with that sparkle in her eyes. I just wished I had found it before the major headache that comes with the crying jags hit but…The picture just seemed to say to me “what are you doing Mama?” I woke up this morning feeling much better.

One day at a time…each moment a miracle.

Much Love,
Roni