Hibernation

Hibernating seems to be the best way to describe what I have been doing these past two months. Part of me is disappointed in myself for just hanging out in the house and not doing much outside of it. Not calling on friends and getting out and doing more to explore Fresno like I thought I would be doing during this time off. I know that I have isolated myself and don't know how to get out of the cocoon I have made around myself. The other part of me knows that I needed to do just that...take time out to curl up in a ball of pain and let it flow out. To be able to allow myself to let go of emotions without anyone around to show pity or sympathy. Either of those would cause me to suck the emotions back in only to choke on them later. When Natalia first got sick we made the decision that Edgar would be her main caregiver while I continued to work. We both took a short time off when she passed away and then went back into life at full speed. This time off has helped calm my emotional roller coaster. Yes, I still water up every day but now it something that a deep breath can usually handle. My lows aren't as low or as long and my highs don't feel forced.

The current storm of a "first"...It was a year ago that Edgar and I were in our kitchen in the wee hours of morning coming to a decision. We could see that the chemo was no longer working. Natalia was losing her battle with brain cancer. Her little body was beginning to fade and it was finally too much. It was time to stop the treatments. It was time to let her go. It was time to give her body the same dignity that her spirit had always inspired. Her smile and her thumbs up never left her but the pain was becoming too much for her body to endure. In a perfect world it is a decision that no parent should have to make...the decision to let your child die. God helped us to find the strength to make the decision then helped us stay strong throughout her final month and half. I have no guilt from this choice because it was the absolutely right thing to do for her. We loved her enough to let her go. She got to spend that time at home with her family and friends. She was NOT stuck in a hospital that she hated. She was not surrounded with grief. We could see her spirit getting closer to leave her body and while it hurt us it brought comfort to know she was spending more time in God's presence. But no matter what I still hate the phrase "actively dieing". It is the state that the body systems are shutting down but the spirit is still holding on. Natalia spent 2 days "actively dieing". Hibernation has helped because I honestly don't know how I would have coped with the "firsts" if I was more involved in the outside world. Hibernation has allowed me to feel things in the moment and not to have to suck it up and wait...usually heading for an emotional explosion.

However, I do believe I have had enough of hibernating. If you have any ideas on fun things to do or other interesting ideas, please let me know. Edgar has made sure I don't feel like a total loser by just hanging around the house. Yes, I do a lot to keep our lives running smoothly that I don't even realize I do most of the time. When I start to feel depressed he reminds me of all these things which makes me love him all the more. Then, of course, there is Sophia. She is the balance in all this. Yes, Edgar and I both say this a lot because she is simply Pia. Sophia is a force of nature and will always keep us on our toes. I have interviewed for a job that I would really, REALLY like to do. It appeals to me because it would be a new challenge every day and I do like to be challenged. Now I need to wait because of bump in the transfer road of the woman whose position I interviewed for. Hopefully things go well for her, then I will get my second interview to wow them. So please prayers!!!

Much Love,
Roni