I seem to have a love hate relationship with the Holiday season now. Especially Thanksgiving! Thanksgiving was Natalia’s favorite holiday. She would count down the days and ask everyone around her “how many more days.” She would talk about all the different types of Deeelicious food items that would be available to try. I can still hear her ooh and aah over the selections to be tasted. Yes, she loved to cook and eat.
She would ask exactly how things were prepared, as if, storing the recipes away for the time when she would be a chef. This year, I was able to make peace with a lot of emotions that have been swirling around in my heart and Edgar and I have decided to take Thanksgiving by the horns. Next year we will begin having Thanksgiving at our house. It will be a feast of senses with everything baby girl loved and more…because now Sophia is more vocal about cooking. It will be a time to share with family again. I am not saying there won’t be sad moments but we know that this is something Natalia would love, everyone coming to her house for her favorite holiday.
Christmas…oh joy…You know, SO FAR, this year is not as hard as last year. The first Christmas without Talia we were able to keep extremely busy because we were moving into the house. The hardest time for me was Christmas shopping. My feet would carry me to the Crayola aisle in every store and my heart would be crushed again. Last year had a fog around it, as if God was taking the harshest edges of our grief away. It would clear for few hours and the pain would be intense but then the fog would roll in again and soften it. I did most of Sophia’s Christmas shopping online because there was no way I was going into a store and find myself looking for presents for Natalia. This year, I have moments, I don’t know how it will be the closer to Christmas we get but right now it’s not as bad. I was able to do the majority of Sophia’s Christmas shopping in an actual store. I even had to brave to Crayola aisle because Sophia has a passion for drawing and painting. I still can’t look at certain things in that aisle, like color books, but I’ve made my peace with that. I also think Natalia has been making sure we have a lot to do this Christmas season so that we don’t have a lot of time to reflect that part of us is missing.
It’s not that we ever forget part of us is missing. It’s just that Natalia has gotten better at knowing when we need her presence and her warmth to wrap around us. And that makes me smile…
Much Love,
Roni
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
That Moment
Wow, maybe it is a sign of emotional stability that I don’t write on Natalia’s Friends that much anymore. Maybe it is just that I am part of cancer parent support groups with people that understand that while certain things can tick me off or make me sad IN THAT MOMENT, those moments don’t last very long. I thank God that it has become moments rather than hours/days/weeks. Speaking of Natalia does not bring on grief, it is always there. Speaking of Natalia brings me joy for knowing & cherishing her amazing life. Yes, tears will come but that is because my love for her has nowhere else to go. I can’t wrap my arms around her, so each tear represents a hug and kiss delivered.
I will admit that my tolerance for outside influences affecting my children has become minuscule. In other words, my BS tolerance is at its lowest point. I know this. I completely admit to it. I am working on making it better. It took me a long time growing up (& a write up on my first ship, the idiot should have known a helicopter wouldn’t be delivering a daily newspaper to the middle of the Caribbean) to curb my blunt, not thinking before I speak, responses to things. But trying to censor my brain and mouth in certain situations has become hard again. I see the cringe in people’s eyes when I talk about Natalia. It’s all I can do at times not to blurt out “she lived and had a great life on this earth, do not diminish her time here by refusing to talk about her.” When I talk about outside influences, I don’t mean the “hard knocks of life” influences or the “learn by making mistakes” influences those I actually cherish because they show me how much Sophia is growing as a person. I really love and cherish the person she is becoming. It sometimes amazes me how incredible of a girl she is…I am allowed to be prejudice; I am her mother after all. Outside influences are other people’s projection on how we should live our live. Back off!!! We are managing incredibly well, given we are now working with the Plan B of our life.
Life now is all about keeping us happy with our sanity intact. If the situation doesn’t allow for that…bye-bye. It might seem selfish, but I don’t care. I am trying to raise a child that wishes with every candle she blows out that her sister will come back to her. I have to continually explain to her that no matter how much she prays to either God or Jesus they cannot return Natalia to her earthly body. When she is told God & Jesus “save” lives she thinks it means mean literally saves lives not souls. She is not impressed. At least she is still talking to them and praying because she is back to refusing to go to church. I will not force her to go back. We had to make Sophia do so many things when Natalia was fighting cancer that I will allow her control over certain aspects of her life. Yes, we got her a cell phone for her birthday! A kick butt Android that allows her to have a ton of pictures of her sister at the touch of her fingers. Sophia has an issue with being out of control of things and the phone allows her instant access to pictures and people when we are out and about. She cannot take it to school or to play, not because she is not responsible, but because she is 7.
“I just want to be normal!” Yep, a stake to the heart with that comment while she was getting ready for school. Sophia is getting better at understanding and verbalizing her emotions. But, man-o-man, I was not prepared for that one. How do you explain to a child that while she is “normal” like other kids in so many ways that, I hope and pray her friends will never know our family’s version of “normal”? She is blunt and down to the “T”. So do not ask for her opinion on things unless you really want to know how she truly feels. Yep, that’s my child. She can be brutal and shows the intelligence of someone much older than her 7 years.
The first day of 2nd grad. I think this hit all 3 of us hard. Sophia was so excited to go but not long after the 3 of us got to Weldon she became very quiet and reserved. Two words usually not associated with my youngest child. Her quiet behavior all day worried some of her friends. She was back in Pia form for day 2. Edgar and I lasted until she walked into her classroom before the breakdown. Sophia is now officially further along than Natalia in school. That was hard. Seeing all the other families with siblings trying to get to the correct line was hard on the 3 of us. It really brings the fact that Natalia should have entered 4th grade this year home. While I love, really love, seeing how much her friends have grown and achieved, that first day of school truly sucked! Then trying to explain to her teacher on back to school night the best way for her to deal with Sophia’s sad/quiet moments, oh yeah, poor teacher I cried through my explanation. It totally and incredibly sucks that I even have to explain it. The teacher already knew Sophia’s situation but needed to know not ask Sophia emotional questions when she is having her moments. Either leave her be or give her a quick hug to let her know she understands. That Sophia had to lose her best friend/co-conspirator/sister to cancer sucks even more then having to explain it!
Well, I already feel better. I guess no matter how much I vent to other cancer mamas, I really need to put Natalia’s Friends to more use again. I am bottling things up and this page allows me to get things straight in my head. It helps keep me sane.
Thanks for listening!
Much Love,
Roni
I will admit that my tolerance for outside influences affecting my children has become minuscule. In other words, my BS tolerance is at its lowest point. I know this. I completely admit to it. I am working on making it better. It took me a long time growing up (& a write up on my first ship, the idiot should have known a helicopter wouldn’t be delivering a daily newspaper to the middle of the Caribbean) to curb my blunt, not thinking before I speak, responses to things. But trying to censor my brain and mouth in certain situations has become hard again. I see the cringe in people’s eyes when I talk about Natalia. It’s all I can do at times not to blurt out “she lived and had a great life on this earth, do not diminish her time here by refusing to talk about her.” When I talk about outside influences, I don’t mean the “hard knocks of life” influences or the “learn by making mistakes” influences those I actually cherish because they show me how much Sophia is growing as a person. I really love and cherish the person she is becoming. It sometimes amazes me how incredible of a girl she is…I am allowed to be prejudice; I am her mother after all. Outside influences are other people’s projection on how we should live our live. Back off!!! We are managing incredibly well, given we are now working with the Plan B of our life.
Life now is all about keeping us happy with our sanity intact. If the situation doesn’t allow for that…bye-bye. It might seem selfish, but I don’t care. I am trying to raise a child that wishes with every candle she blows out that her sister will come back to her. I have to continually explain to her that no matter how much she prays to either God or Jesus they cannot return Natalia to her earthly body. When she is told God & Jesus “save” lives she thinks it means mean literally saves lives not souls. She is not impressed. At least she is still talking to them and praying because she is back to refusing to go to church. I will not force her to go back. We had to make Sophia do so many things when Natalia was fighting cancer that I will allow her control over certain aspects of her life. Yes, we got her a cell phone for her birthday! A kick butt Android that allows her to have a ton of pictures of her sister at the touch of her fingers. Sophia has an issue with being out of control of things and the phone allows her instant access to pictures and people when we are out and about. She cannot take it to school or to play, not because she is not responsible, but because she is 7.
“I just want to be normal!” Yep, a stake to the heart with that comment while she was getting ready for school. Sophia is getting better at understanding and verbalizing her emotions. But, man-o-man, I was not prepared for that one. How do you explain to a child that while she is “normal” like other kids in so many ways that, I hope and pray her friends will never know our family’s version of “normal”? She is blunt and down to the “T”. So do not ask for her opinion on things unless you really want to know how she truly feels. Yep, that’s my child. She can be brutal and shows the intelligence of someone much older than her 7 years.
The first day of 2nd grad. I think this hit all 3 of us hard. Sophia was so excited to go but not long after the 3 of us got to Weldon she became very quiet and reserved. Two words usually not associated with my youngest child. Her quiet behavior all day worried some of her friends. She was back in Pia form for day 2. Edgar and I lasted until she walked into her classroom before the breakdown. Sophia is now officially further along than Natalia in school. That was hard. Seeing all the other families with siblings trying to get to the correct line was hard on the 3 of us. It really brings the fact that Natalia should have entered 4th grade this year home. While I love, really love, seeing how much her friends have grown and achieved, that first day of school truly sucked! Then trying to explain to her teacher on back to school night the best way for her to deal with Sophia’s sad/quiet moments, oh yeah, poor teacher I cried through my explanation. It totally and incredibly sucks that I even have to explain it. The teacher already knew Sophia’s situation but needed to know not ask Sophia emotional questions when she is having her moments. Either leave her be or give her a quick hug to let her know she understands. That Sophia had to lose her best friend/co-conspirator/sister to cancer sucks even more then having to explain it!
Well, I already feel better. I guess no matter how much I vent to other cancer mamas, I really need to put Natalia’s Friends to more use again. I am bottling things up and this page allows me to get things straight in my head. It helps keep me sane.
Thanks for listening!
Much Love,
Roni
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Oh Hell No!
Well, today was interesting to say the least. I called the girls pediatrician this morning to see if I could move up Sophia’s yearly check up. She has been complaining about leg pain for the past few months. I put it off to growing pains. But last week she started to complain about her legs feeling numb and tingly. Definitely not growing pains anymore. Surprisingly, they had an opening at noon today and so I took her in.
No surprise, Sophia has grown 6 ½ inches in the past 10 months. Definitely SOME growing pains going on. The hard part of the visit was when Dr Vasquez started doing basic neurological tests with Pia. Arms out then touch the nose, making circles with her thumb and pointer finger, quick switch hands, shoulder shrug, resistance tests. For a minute, all I could see was Natalia being put through the same tests over and over. All I could think was NOT THIS CHILD! I am quite proud of myself for not coming unhinged in the exam room. I asked appropriate questions and got answers in doctor speak. “Right now” he believes she is running low in electrolytes and this is why she is getting the tingly numb sensation, like her legs are asleep. He wrote up orders for lab tests and let me know he really thought that this was the issue. She is extremely active and doesn’t slow down for pain or this numbness. It is not constant and affects her mostly at night. He also said that if the labs didn’t show the results he expected that he would consult a neurologist. I really like our pediatrician! He is good about giving his opinion and then saying if that isn’t the correct answer here is what our next step will be.
I am extremely proud of Pia for her bravery at Quest. She had to do a blood draw. The MA wanted me to hold her in my lap and hold her arm still. I looked at Pia and said, “This is like when they used to poke Natalia for her tests. Do you need me to hold you still or should I just hold your hand for courage?” Pia’s answer…”Just hold my hand, Sissy showed me it was easy.” The MA was not happy and continued her you cannot move at all spiel. Pia watched through it all and didn’t bat an eye. When it was over she told the woman that putting the tourniquet on her hurt worse than the needle. Go Pia!!! Hopefully, we’ll have our answer soon. For now, I’m looking up ways to add more electrolytes to her diet.
Much Love,
Roni
No surprise, Sophia has grown 6 ½ inches in the past 10 months. Definitely SOME growing pains going on. The hard part of the visit was when Dr Vasquez started doing basic neurological tests with Pia. Arms out then touch the nose, making circles with her thumb and pointer finger, quick switch hands, shoulder shrug, resistance tests. For a minute, all I could see was Natalia being put through the same tests over and over. All I could think was NOT THIS CHILD! I am quite proud of myself for not coming unhinged in the exam room. I asked appropriate questions and got answers in doctor speak. “Right now” he believes she is running low in electrolytes and this is why she is getting the tingly numb sensation, like her legs are asleep. He wrote up orders for lab tests and let me know he really thought that this was the issue. She is extremely active and doesn’t slow down for pain or this numbness. It is not constant and affects her mostly at night. He also said that if the labs didn’t show the results he expected that he would consult a neurologist. I really like our pediatrician! He is good about giving his opinion and then saying if that isn’t the correct answer here is what our next step will be.
I am extremely proud of Pia for her bravery at Quest. She had to do a blood draw. The MA wanted me to hold her in my lap and hold her arm still. I looked at Pia and said, “This is like when they used to poke Natalia for her tests. Do you need me to hold you still or should I just hold your hand for courage?” Pia’s answer…”Just hold my hand, Sissy showed me it was easy.” The MA was not happy and continued her you cannot move at all spiel. Pia watched through it all and didn’t bat an eye. When it was over she told the woman that putting the tourniquet on her hurt worse than the needle. Go Pia!!! Hopefully, we’ll have our answer soon. For now, I’m looking up ways to add more electrolytes to her diet.
Much Love,
Roni
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Growing Up
Let me first apologize to my husband. Poor Edgar, I seem to have some of my biggest meltdowns not long before he has to walk out the door for his shift. Not only does he have to deal with not so good people but he has to worry about how I am holding up.
Today's melt...I was folding laundry(oh joy)when I realized, Sophia won't fit into her jeans by the middle of summer. She is getting so tall. I thought "Oh, I will need to buy her some new ones soon." Then it hit me, she is big enough for the next set of Natalia's clothes. I stored the boxes in the back of Pia's closet but I kept thinking she would be big enough "in a couple of years". That's when the baseball bat hit. It has been a couple of years. Sophia is now older then Natalia was here on earth. She is finishing 1st grade and excited for second. I am so incredibly proud of the person she is becoming. The other morning I asked Sophia if she was worried about taking a test in school. She said she never worries about them because sissy is always there to help her with the answers. Blew me away!
As I went to grab the box, Natalia's voice told me to open the other box too. The box of Natalia's special pieces, the ones that were never to be worn by anyone again. She told me it was time. Talia always got a kick out of it when Sophia fit into her old clothes. She would giggle and tell Pia how cute she looked and funny things she remembered about wearing the piece. Although they are now the same age, Natalia will still be passing Sophia clothes for the next couple of years. Natalia was tall for her age and the steroids added a lot of weight, where as, Sophia is right there with her classmates in size. Today when she saw me pulling out the clothes Sophia said sissy told her it was time for her to wear her stuff. There are some pieces that won't ever leave the box but others Talia and Pia will giggle about together, as usual. And that helps me get through.
Much Love,
Roni
Today's melt...I was folding laundry(oh joy)when I realized, Sophia won't fit into her jeans by the middle of summer. She is getting so tall. I thought "Oh, I will need to buy her some new ones soon." Then it hit me, she is big enough for the next set of Natalia's clothes. I stored the boxes in the back of Pia's closet but I kept thinking she would be big enough "in a couple of years". That's when the baseball bat hit. It has been a couple of years. Sophia is now older then Natalia was here on earth. She is finishing 1st grade and excited for second. I am so incredibly proud of the person she is becoming. The other morning I asked Sophia if she was worried about taking a test in school. She said she never worries about them because sissy is always there to help her with the answers. Blew me away!
As I went to grab the box, Natalia's voice told me to open the other box too. The box of Natalia's special pieces, the ones that were never to be worn by anyone again. She told me it was time. Talia always got a kick out of it when Sophia fit into her old clothes. She would giggle and tell Pia how cute she looked and funny things she remembered about wearing the piece. Although they are now the same age, Natalia will still be passing Sophia clothes for the next couple of years. Natalia was tall for her age and the steroids added a lot of weight, where as, Sophia is right there with her classmates in size. Today when she saw me pulling out the clothes Sophia said sissy told her it was time for her to wear her stuff. There are some pieces that won't ever leave the box but others Talia and Pia will giggle about together, as usual. And that helps me get through.
Much Love,
Roni
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
The Angelversary
Angelversary Day…Natalia was definitely with us all day.
We decided not to leave at the break of dawn, as was the original plan, because of the weather. The rain was forecasted for the entire day and low temps in the San Francisco area made us want to wait until the sun was up for a while. Coffee at Dutch Brothers…they’re always so nice and upbeat, not to mention the coffee is high octane! Hit the highway at 9am with the tunes blasting! Storm clouds and wind all the way between Fresno and San Francisco.
We made our turn off the highway onto Octavia and the rain slowed to a sprinkle. We drove around UCSF and past both Family Houses that had been so much a part of our lives for 11 months. We parked the car at Judah and 9th to walk down to our favorite Chinese place, Nan King Road Bistro and the rain stopped. We walked around for a bit after to settle lunch and check out some of our favorite shops. Then Donut World…for the necessary chocolate donut. Back in the car for the drive to Ocean Beach and the skies opened up. We decided to brave the rain and cold to walk on the beach only to be driven back into the car after being blasted hard by sand (I was still finding sand in my scalp Monday morning after 2 showers). We waited maybe 10 minutes, the wind died down, the rain eased and by the time we walked down to the surf the sun had come out and the rain completely stopped. Yep, Natalia at her best! Edgar & I gave Sophia only one rule, do not get wet! SHE stayed dry. I, on the other hand, ended up soaked below the knees because I was so focused on a rock in the sand that I didn’t notice the fast approaching surf. Natalia never could stay dry either. She was always so focused on what the water was revealing in the sand to notice when the waves were coming back in. I felt so close to her, yet so far away, in that moment.
We played on the beach for over an hour then decided to head out, but, couldn’t make ourselves leave SF quiet yet. We ended up at Fisherman’s Wharf just strolling around enjoying the remainder of the beautiful day. By the time we got home late Saturday, we were totally wiped. The trip and the emotions of the week had taken their toll and the 3 of us spent Sunday not moving more than necessary. The trip to San Francisco helped restore some peace to our lives. We all felt Natalia with us and that was the greatest gift of the day. We feel her presence at different times but when the grief threatens to overcome everything else, her healing calm can be hard to find.
Our life for the next few weeks will be surrounded in the chaos of preparing for Sophia’s birthday party. She has never had an “invite the friends” birthday party. When she was little we combined Easter dinner with her birthday celebration. We left her 4th birthday party to take Natalia to UCSF for a 2nd opinion just after she was diagnosed with the brain tumor. Her 5th birthday was 2 weeks after Natalia passed away and no one was in a big party mood. Her 6th was spent in Phoenix with the Wish Riders so this year… Pia’s getting her Backyard/BBQ/Bounce house rocking birthday party. She got to pick EVERYONE one she wanted to come, including adults. In addition to her own guest list, she is making a checklist of things that need to get done around the house before the party. Her notebook contains all!!! We have orders not to touch the notebook! A MAJOR special guest coming to town for her birthday and we can’t wait for her to find out who it is…Sophia has no idea this person is coming!!! It will really help make this birthday truly special.
Much love to you all,
Roni
We decided not to leave at the break of dawn, as was the original plan, because of the weather. The rain was forecasted for the entire day and low temps in the San Francisco area made us want to wait until the sun was up for a while. Coffee at Dutch Brothers…they’re always so nice and upbeat, not to mention the coffee is high octane! Hit the highway at 9am with the tunes blasting! Storm clouds and wind all the way between Fresno and San Francisco.
We made our turn off the highway onto Octavia and the rain slowed to a sprinkle. We drove around UCSF and past both Family Houses that had been so much a part of our lives for 11 months. We parked the car at Judah and 9th to walk down to our favorite Chinese place, Nan King Road Bistro and the rain stopped. We walked around for a bit after to settle lunch and check out some of our favorite shops. Then Donut World…for the necessary chocolate donut. Back in the car for the drive to Ocean Beach and the skies opened up. We decided to brave the rain and cold to walk on the beach only to be driven back into the car after being blasted hard by sand (I was still finding sand in my scalp Monday morning after 2 showers). We waited maybe 10 minutes, the wind died down, the rain eased and by the time we walked down to the surf the sun had come out and the rain completely stopped. Yep, Natalia at her best! Edgar & I gave Sophia only one rule, do not get wet! SHE stayed dry. I, on the other hand, ended up soaked below the knees because I was so focused on a rock in the sand that I didn’t notice the fast approaching surf. Natalia never could stay dry either. She was always so focused on what the water was revealing in the sand to notice when the waves were coming back in. I felt so close to her, yet so far away, in that moment.
We played on the beach for over an hour then decided to head out, but, couldn’t make ourselves leave SF quiet yet. We ended up at Fisherman’s Wharf just strolling around enjoying the remainder of the beautiful day. By the time we got home late Saturday, we were totally wiped. The trip and the emotions of the week had taken their toll and the 3 of us spent Sunday not moving more than necessary. The trip to San Francisco helped restore some peace to our lives. We all felt Natalia with us and that was the greatest gift of the day. We feel her presence at different times but when the grief threatens to overcome everything else, her healing calm can be hard to find.
Our life for the next few weeks will be surrounded in the chaos of preparing for Sophia’s birthday party. She has never had an “invite the friends” birthday party. When she was little we combined Easter dinner with her birthday celebration. We left her 4th birthday party to take Natalia to UCSF for a 2nd opinion just after she was diagnosed with the brain tumor. Her 5th birthday was 2 weeks after Natalia passed away and no one was in a big party mood. Her 6th was spent in Phoenix with the Wish Riders so this year… Pia’s getting her Backyard/BBQ/Bounce house rocking birthday party. She got to pick EVERYONE one she wanted to come, including adults. In addition to her own guest list, she is making a checklist of things that need to get done around the house before the party. Her notebook contains all!!! We have orders not to touch the notebook! A MAJOR special guest coming to town for her birthday and we can’t wait for her to find out who it is…Sophia has no idea this person is coming!!! It will really help make this birthday truly special.
Much love to you all,
Roni
Friday, March 25, 2011
Counting the Hours
Two years tomorrow…24 months…730 days…17,520 hours…1,051,200 minutes…can you imagine? I hope not. I hope you never have to imagine the horror of it.
This week has been tough. Emotions just all over the place. Tuesday and Thursday I was crying at the drop of a hat. The worst…Sophia came to me Monday night and said she couldn’t remember how Natalia looked unless she was looking at a picture or seeing her in a dream. She was crushed…Edgar and I were crushed. She is still mad at God for not bring her sister back to her. She still asks Him in her prayers for sissy to come home. At times, I hurt more for Sophia then for myself. I see how she looks at other families with siblings and the longing on her face for her best friend and always ready partner in crime.
I have always used Natalia as a benchmark for Sophia’s growth…physically and mentally. Saturday is the last time I can do that. There is 27 months between them. Sophia turns 7 in April and Natalia will be forever 7. Sophia will become her own benchmark…not that she hasn’t always been unique but now she will be the trailblazer. At least, for the moment, I still have some of Natalia’s clothes for her to grow into. That helps remind her that she is the little sister. She wears one of Natalia’s sweaters when she feels the need to be closer to her. The red sweater hangs on her but Sophia says she feels like Natalia is hugging her and she sees how close she is getting to Natalia’s size. I don’t think she will wear many of the clothes as they didn’t have the same taste but, according to Pia, “we keep them until I am big enough to fit in them. THEN I will decide.” She doesn’t want to let go either.
Much Love,
Roni
This week has been tough. Emotions just all over the place. Tuesday and Thursday I was crying at the drop of a hat. The worst…Sophia came to me Monday night and said she couldn’t remember how Natalia looked unless she was looking at a picture or seeing her in a dream. She was crushed…Edgar and I were crushed. She is still mad at God for not bring her sister back to her. She still asks Him in her prayers for sissy to come home. At times, I hurt more for Sophia then for myself. I see how she looks at other families with siblings and the longing on her face for her best friend and always ready partner in crime.
I have always used Natalia as a benchmark for Sophia’s growth…physically and mentally. Saturday is the last time I can do that. There is 27 months between them. Sophia turns 7 in April and Natalia will be forever 7. Sophia will become her own benchmark…not that she hasn’t always been unique but now she will be the trailblazer. At least, for the moment, I still have some of Natalia’s clothes for her to grow into. That helps remind her that she is the little sister. She wears one of Natalia’s sweaters when she feels the need to be closer to her. The red sweater hangs on her but Sophia says she feels like Natalia is hugging her and she sees how close she is getting to Natalia’s size. I don’t think she will wear many of the clothes as they didn’t have the same taste but, according to Pia, “we keep them until I am big enough to fit in them. THEN I will decide.” She doesn’t want to let go either.
Much Love,
Roni
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Angelversary Coming Up
Natalia’s birthday was easier to get through this year. We had 21 months to process the emotions of her not being by our sides. It was truly beautiful in Monterey this year. The sun was shining and the weather amazing. We spent most of our time on the beach playing with her. Sophia and I wrote her messages in the sand while Edgar flew her kite as high as he could. The aquarium was probably the hardest moment for me. Sophia demanded a picture be taken of her in the giant clam. While I love to measure how much she has grown each time we visit by how the clam keeps getting smaller, seeing her in it without Natalia at her side is always crushing. I hear Natalia’s laughter and her joy at discovery in every corner of the Aquarium. We had cupcakes and Chinese food for her celebration. Then we all watched the sun set over the bay…all bright pinks and purples for Natalia.
Hard to believe Natalia’s Angelversary is coming up on March 26th. She will have been gone 2 years…God saying that does not make it any easier. In fact, I tried my best to put it completely from my mind until Edgar asked what I wanted to do for it this year. When I think back on it I remember a slide show of events: feeling her last breath, screaming for Edgar, watching the firemen call it, felling her soul fly from her body and out the window, calling a friend and asking her to bring Sophia home right away, deciding what to be taken with for her cremation. Everything else is a blur. Thank God we had taken care of most the details of what we wanted done prior to her death because there is no way we would have been in any condition to do it after.
Edgar had the best idea of how to honor the day. (I won’t say celebrate) We are heading to San Francisco for the day. Going to hit the Wharf, go to the 24 hour donut place for a chocolate donut and maybe get some Chinese from our favorite place. I think I also want to spend some time walking around Golden Gate Park. Natalia spent a lot of time walking in that park while going through treatment. Edgar did a fantastic job keeping her spirits and strength up by taking her for walks, Wednesday donuts and singing to her favorite tunes. For those of you not with us, may I suggest Chinese food and blowing bubbles!
Much love to you all…I have to get back to work!
Roni
Hard to believe Natalia’s Angelversary is coming up on March 26th. She will have been gone 2 years…God saying that does not make it any easier. In fact, I tried my best to put it completely from my mind until Edgar asked what I wanted to do for it this year. When I think back on it I remember a slide show of events: feeling her last breath, screaming for Edgar, watching the firemen call it, felling her soul fly from her body and out the window, calling a friend and asking her to bring Sophia home right away, deciding what to be taken with for her cremation. Everything else is a blur. Thank God we had taken care of most the details of what we wanted done prior to her death because there is no way we would have been in any condition to do it after.
Edgar had the best idea of how to honor the day. (I won’t say celebrate) We are heading to San Francisco for the day. Going to hit the Wharf, go to the 24 hour donut place for a chocolate donut and maybe get some Chinese from our favorite place. I think I also want to spend some time walking around Golden Gate Park. Natalia spent a lot of time walking in that park while going through treatment. Edgar did a fantastic job keeping her spirits and strength up by taking her for walks, Wednesday donuts and singing to her favorite tunes. For those of you not with us, may I suggest Chinese food and blowing bubbles!
Much love to you all…I have to get back to work!
Roni
Friday, January 21, 2011
We Survived!
Writing has become harder. I feel like I am saying the same thing over and over and I hate that. So my entries in this blog have become further apart.
We survived the Holiday Season. Yup, I said survived! I can’t think of it in any other way anymore. I held myself clenched so tightly during November and December that it took 3 bottles of red wine and sunny outside day to finally unwind me. Thank you Edgar for taking care of me that day! I felt like I was walking on egg shells that entire time. I didn’t which way my emotions were going to roll and everything hurt. Sleepless nights and endless days. The bright spot, as always, was Sophia. No matter how much you just want to ignore the holidays you need to do more than just go through the motions when you have a little one. Sophia loves life so much and joy just beams from her that you get caught up in it as well. You put on your happy face and remember to live in the moment.
Monday is Natalia’s 9th birthday. I am imagine she is going to have one heck of a party in Heaven…it just sucks that this is our second without her. We are heading to Monterey on Sunday for a few days. We are going to spend time on her beach. We plan to fly kites, blow bubbles, visit the Aquarium, throw rose petals to the surf and play with Talia in the water. It is supposed to be beautiful there. Last year, the weather was supposed to be awful but I know Natalia had a hand in making it beautiful for us…the rain moved in just as we were leaving.
We stay at The Beach Resort Best Western. It is right on the beach as you head into town. We have an ocean view room so we can watch and listen to the water. This is the last place we took Natalia before she became home bound, so, it has special memories for us. I love looking out at the water and knowing she is free. It helps bring peace after spending the holidays and birthday without her. We feel more connected to her when we visit the beach. Sophia, of course, cannot wait and has been counting down the days. She runs straight for the water, holds up her arms, and yells for sissy to come play.
Much Love,
Roni
We survived the Holiday Season. Yup, I said survived! I can’t think of it in any other way anymore. I held myself clenched so tightly during November and December that it took 3 bottles of red wine and sunny outside day to finally unwind me. Thank you Edgar for taking care of me that day! I felt like I was walking on egg shells that entire time. I didn’t which way my emotions were going to roll and everything hurt. Sleepless nights and endless days. The bright spot, as always, was Sophia. No matter how much you just want to ignore the holidays you need to do more than just go through the motions when you have a little one. Sophia loves life so much and joy just beams from her that you get caught up in it as well. You put on your happy face and remember to live in the moment.
Monday is Natalia’s 9th birthday. I am imagine she is going to have one heck of a party in Heaven…it just sucks that this is our second without her. We are heading to Monterey on Sunday for a few days. We are going to spend time on her beach. We plan to fly kites, blow bubbles, visit the Aquarium, throw rose petals to the surf and play with Talia in the water. It is supposed to be beautiful there. Last year, the weather was supposed to be awful but I know Natalia had a hand in making it beautiful for us…the rain moved in just as we were leaving.
We stay at The Beach Resort Best Western. It is right on the beach as you head into town. We have an ocean view room so we can watch and listen to the water. This is the last place we took Natalia before she became home bound, so, it has special memories for us. I love looking out at the water and knowing she is free. It helps bring peace after spending the holidays and birthday without her. We feel more connected to her when we visit the beach. Sophia, of course, cannot wait and has been counting down the days. She runs straight for the water, holds up her arms, and yells for sissy to come play.
Much Love,
Roni
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