It's a bad day for me. My control is not to steady and I seem to break at the slightest thought. What brought this on you might ask? The rain, a cold, more insights...nope, a simple question from Sophia. "How many days until Thanksgiving?" Natalia would ask this over and over again 20 to 30 times a day until I thought I would go mad from hearing it so much. It wasn't until a couple of months ago that I began to realize that she was doing her own countdown. "How many days until Thanksgiving? How many days until Christmas?(once again thank you to Marcy and AJ for the countdown to Christmas Snoopy)How many days until my birthday?(January 24th) And then the countdowns stopped and she quickly deteriorated. So, I think she was using the countdowns as a way to measure how long she had to hang on. And then her little body just gave out on her.
I keep hearing her voice in my head today and shatter. All I want to do is bury my head in my pillow and forget about the rest of the world. Of course, that is not an option. So here I am writing and hoping that will take some of the edge off. How else will I get through this holiday season? I can't curl up and hide from the world, how the heck would I explain that to Pia? Life will go on...as trite and as much as it sucks sometimes...it goes on. We need to grow and learn and go forward, not stop or even, God forbid, go backwards. This holiday season will be about learning how to deal with the constant pain of Natalia not being here. It is definately constant, it is just that a lot of the time the pain is in the backround only sinking its teeth in during "shower time". But today its is wearing red, jumping up and down and shouting ooy, ooy ooy! I fully understand why some parents who have lost a child either ingore or go away during the holidays. To be reminded of old traditions tears at your heart. We have a 5 year old that would be totally against this kind of plan. And I don't blame her and, more importantly, I don't want that for her. So we will go on...but please understand if I am sometimes slow to answer you...I'm breathing deep and doing my best to put a smile on my face by remembering how much Natalia loved the holidays.
Much Love,
Roni
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2 comments:
Missed you and Pia today!!! Hang in, girl!!! Let me know if there's ANYTHING I can do or if you need Sophia to have a playdate so you can have some you-time. Love and prayers to you and your wonderful family!!!
My heart hurts for you. :-( I wish there was something I could do. I don't know what it feels like to lose a child....but I know the fear of it. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking of it. Praying you are comforted this holiday season.
Karen, Isaac's Mom
www.caringbridge.org/visit/isaachatfield
P.S. - Are you on Facebook? If so, look me up.
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