What a week

Monday I was feeling optimistic...Tuesday my world seemed to crash and burn. I could not get out of the fog of missing Natalia. It was so bad that Edgar was going to call in sick to stay with me on Wednesday. It didn't really start knocking me around until lunchtime and then I seemed to be assaulted on all sides. I partly blame the fact that it was time to start putting together the front bedroom...that is where we were storing untouched boxes...which contained a lot of Natalia's things. I found the videos and pictures of all of us with the dolphins at Xecrete. I was totally surprised Edgar could see his way to the door to go to work. We were both ready to be wrung out and hung up to dry. When I went to pick up Pia from daycare she was in almost as bad of shape. Her teachers said that she had been quiet all afternoon and then had a fight with her friends...guess it was all of our day. So Pia and I did what girls do when they are sad, we walked the mall and sniffed our way through Bath and Body. We cuddled up in bed and watched a movie. I kept her home on Wednesday because she hadn't slept well and because I needed her smile. By lunchtime we were all much better and Edgar went off to work while Pia and I watched more movies.

Today we are off to Monterey with my parents to celebrate Natalia's birthday. We all got ocean view rooms so we can watch the ocean as much as possible. I feel better now that the time is here. My spirit is lifting a little. It will help even more when I can see Sophia's joy at flying kites on the beach and hear Natalia's belly laugh with every roll of the surf.

If you see me out and about...I added the dolphin pictures to my phone. They are incredible creatures to behold. I don't cry when I see them, I just laugh at the joy on my daughters' faces. Thank you sooo much Make A Wish for giving us those memories.

Much love,
Roni

Where my head is...or isn't

I have a feeling this new year will be a good one...but God January sucks! Looming ahead is January 24th...and I cry uncontrollably at the thought. Natalia's birthday...she would be 8. Last month we had the move to our house and so much to get done that there was little time to think about Christmas without Natalia until it was actually Christmas day. This month there is nothing, not even a job, to interfere with the missing part of me. I find myself wandering the marker/crayon aisle of stores, all types of stores, because Natalia loved getting the hottest new marker set on the market. I know they think I'm psycho standing there crying because she not here to buy them for anymore. I try to explain the waves of feelings to people and you can see the "please get me out of here" look on their faces. It is the unimaginable feeling that no parent even wants to contemplate let alone have put right in front of their faces. The thing is as much as it hurts...I get it. Before Natalia got sick, the last thing I would even want to think about was either of my children being seriously ill and especially not one of their deaths. So you suck it back in and save it for home where you can let out all the torment your soul is going through with the only other people that fully understand because Natalia is missing from them as well. Sophia's is truly brought home to me every time I look up the street and see a family with 4 kids all playing together. The person Sophia was closest to in the world is gone. Her constant companion and playmate is no longer at her side and as much as I try I fall short because I am not her sissy. To see the hurt on her little face makes the missing that much harder.

We are going to Monterrey for Natalia's birthday. We are going for the weekend and I can not wait to look over the ocean and see where we set my baby's ashes free. Hopefully the storms will have passed by then. It is monarch butterfly season and there are usually thousands resting in Pacific Grove. I feel the need to see them. I am hoping the ocean breezes will push some of the cobwebs away from my mind. Funny thing with Monterrey...we started taking Natalia to the aquarium before she was a year old. It has always been our vacation/getaway destination of choice. We took her back to see it just before she died. A fundraiser for the Monterrey Bay Aquarium called the other night when we were missing Natalia something fierce...suddenly we found the perfect gift to her for her birthday...to help the place she loved to visit...Natalia works in mysterious ways sometimes. It helped tremendously to give them back for the joy they brought to Natalia.

I leave off with this...because I have to go to the dentist in a few minutes...and need to finish this post. I don't want you all to think I am sad all the time because I am not. The main thing I learned while Natalia was ill is that every moment is a miracle if you just open your eyes. Yes there are times when nothing seems to going your way but that is the time when you need to open yourself up the most and see small miracles because then the biggest tragedies don't look as huge.

Much love,
Roni

New Pics

OoooHHH YEAH!

How high do you think you can bounce?

Just got the keys to our new home...do you see Natalia by the second rainbow?