Where my head is...or isn't

I have a feeling this new year will be a good one...but God January sucks! Looming ahead is January 24th...and I cry uncontrollably at the thought. Natalia's birthday...she would be 8. Last month we had the move to our house and so much to get done that there was little time to think about Christmas without Natalia until it was actually Christmas day. This month there is nothing, not even a job, to interfere with the missing part of me. I find myself wandering the marker/crayon aisle of stores, all types of stores, because Natalia loved getting the hottest new marker set on the market. I know they think I'm psycho standing there crying because she not here to buy them for anymore. I try to explain the waves of feelings to people and you can see the "please get me out of here" look on their faces. It is the unimaginable feeling that no parent even wants to contemplate let alone have put right in front of their faces. The thing is as much as it hurts...I get it. Before Natalia got sick, the last thing I would even want to think about was either of my children being seriously ill and especially not one of their deaths. So you suck it back in and save it for home where you can let out all the torment your soul is going through with the only other people that fully understand because Natalia is missing from them as well. Sophia's is truly brought home to me every time I look up the street and see a family with 4 kids all playing together. The person Sophia was closest to in the world is gone. Her constant companion and playmate is no longer at her side and as much as I try I fall short because I am not her sissy. To see the hurt on her little face makes the missing that much harder.

We are going to Monterrey for Natalia's birthday. We are going for the weekend and I can not wait to look over the ocean and see where we set my baby's ashes free. Hopefully the storms will have passed by then. It is monarch butterfly season and there are usually thousands resting in Pacific Grove. I feel the need to see them. I am hoping the ocean breezes will push some of the cobwebs away from my mind. Funny thing with Monterrey...we started taking Natalia to the aquarium before she was a year old. It has always been our vacation/getaway destination of choice. We took her back to see it just before she died. A fundraiser for the Monterrey Bay Aquarium called the other night when we were missing Natalia something fierce...suddenly we found the perfect gift to her for her birthday...to help the place she loved to visit...Natalia works in mysterious ways sometimes. It helped tremendously to give them back for the joy they brought to Natalia.

I leave off with this...because I have to go to the dentist in a few minutes...and need to finish this post. I don't want you all to think I am sad all the time because I am not. The main thing I learned while Natalia was ill is that every moment is a miracle if you just open your eyes. Yes there are times when nothing seems to going your way but that is the time when you need to open yourself up the most and see small miracles because then the biggest tragedies don't look as huge.

Much love,
Roni