What can I say, grief sucks! It reaches out and grabs you when you least expect it. Sometimes it washes over you like a wave...quick to hit, heavy tug, pulls away from you just as fast and a calmness follows. Other times it is like a flood...slow to rise, drowning in feeling, slow to leave with lots of rubble left in its path. I hear a song or a certain giggle and the wave hits...I tend to feel a little better after like Natalia just popped by to say HI. I just miss those moments with her. But laundry has been my flood...I can do all the wash and not think anything of it, but, when it comes time to put clothes away...all I see is her things hanging in their place, not getting dirty...I have nothing to put away for her and I just stand there and cry until I have nothing left in me. People say we're are holding up so well and for the most part I think we are doing really well but there are the little...well not so little to us things...Edgar can no longer listen to some of Natalia's favorite songs because they hit to deep...I can't change the sheets on our bed because those were the last thing that close to Natalia's body...if I try hard I can still smell her. The clean sheets are sitting on the end of the bed, I just can't make myself do it.
What puts us in a better place then some...we talk about it...well, Edgar talks, I write...we get those feeling and those hurts out of us...we don't let the volcano build until something explodes. It would not be a pretty sight. As you can tell by the hour of this post...I'm not having a good day...it has been a restless night. A resident asked me before closing the office last night "so, how's your daughter?" Now my rational mind realizes that people tend to live in their own insulated world and not much else gets in so...my emotional mind wanted to kick him to the ground and stomp on him until he wasn't moving anymore...what did I do you ask...I simply told him she passed away last month, thank you for his concern and walked away before I hit him. I knew when I started back to work that I would probably have to face that moment...I wasn't as prepared as I thought I would be. Edgar has also had to go though the same thing at work. I think we have been well insulated by friends and family that we assume everyone knows she passed away. It is hard to have to say the words to someone who doesn't know.
Hey, we are working on an incredible project...fund...whatever...awesomeness...with Weldon Elementary. It is called Natalia's Nest. the nest will be used for helping kids who do not have the means to attend the outdoor education at Sonora trip...sponsoring a family at Christmas. That type of thing. If we can teach 1 child to show kindness and grace to others, we will be honoring her memory in the best way possible. More to follow on this...I think I have hit my wall by getting out the beginning of the blog...tears are going to be way to close to the surface today...I need coffee and a shower.
Much love to you all,
Roni
3 comments:
It takes time....a lot of time. All we can do is put one foot in front of the other....and try your best to ride the waves when they hit. It doesn't ever get easy, but over time, it slowly gets to a point of being able to be managed.
Just let yourself feel....feel whatever your body and soul needs to feel.
Dear Roni,
I feel for what you are going through! I lost my mom in December and some days I just can't believe she is really not here anymore! Always feel free to lean on our shoulders @ Trinity,we are there for you! Love Always,
Angela Goodwin
Roni,
You don't need to wash the sheets. Save them for now, put them away. you can go to them when you feel the need.
If you want, I can come help you with putting clothes away. I have some vacuum bags to put them in for now. Let me know. You have my number.
We are all still grieving for Natalia. I wish I had some comforting words of wisedom. Truth is, I don't know what to say. Just know that we are all still here and we are all still thinking about you and Natalia.
Love,
Laura Goyette
Post a Comment