This post will probably make little sense. I just feel the need to say some STUFF. Maybe if I do it will help the funk that I seem to have gotten into.
**I hate having to tell people that Natalia has died. The people that know I have 2 girls and are just questioning their welfare. They don't know...they certainly don't mean harm. I love the fact that they remember and care enough to ask after the girls. It just shuts me down and brings waves of pain to have to say the words. I hate the look in their eyes and the knowledge that they now feel guilty for having asked an otherwise perfectly wonderful question.
**I dream...it used to come almost every night...now just once in a while but is getting more vivid with each visit. I walk into our bedroom where Talia is laying while my parents are talking to her. I feel her and she is not breathing. I go to the doorway and yell for Edgar in a voice that doesn't sound like mine. He grabs her up and cries. I lay beside her just touching her. I see the firemen and police come into the room to make the call as I lay next to her. Then I feel her spirit rise up, rush through me and out the window. The feeling made me jump up and the verticles at the window were moving. She was gone...no longer in our care. I wake up feeling like I have just had to say goodbye again. While I know she is with God and no longer in pain, my heart still hurts.
**Just cause...stupid people iratate me...I know I need to show patience and I am sooo much better at not opening my mouth but COME ON...how do they even survive the day?
**Things happen...butterflies appearing and fluttering around me when I need that extra lift in the day. A white dove that seems to only come to the building by my office when I just want to crawl back under the covers and hide from the world for a little while. Talia's favorite songs on the radio when your driving around feeling down. Things that say no matter what she is still here for us.
**I cry a lot lately for no apparent reason...sucks...I hate to cry...gives me a headache and ruins my makeup. I stopped wearing mascra on my bottom lashes when Natalia first got sick. A fellow blond cancer mom told me about doing this...still have the top on so that it looks like I have some lashes without the racoon look.
**I love that Pia is growing to be strong and independent. I could do without the attitude and mouth that seems to be coming with it...but for the most part she makes me so proud. She told me she was holding hands with sissy while we walked out to the car this morning.
That's all I can think of now. I guess it is enough.
Much Love,
Roni
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1 comment:
This past tax season I read on a friends site that it hit her so hard because she had to remove her daughter from the tax forms. She said something like it was a sock in the stomach all over again. It is so sad. Parents should NOT have to lose their children!
I hope Sophia is enjoying kindergarten. I just read the last post and laughed at the "poor teenage Pia" comment. I am getting ever closer to that since Brenna is in 8th grade this year. I shudder at the thought of her drving and dating! ;-)
Hugs and prayers to you,
Karen
www.caringbridge.org/visit/isaachatfield
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