I just heard it again, someone “thinks” we are a strong family…but in this case it seems that they are really calling us weak for certain choices…live in our shoes is what I have to say. That wonderful, always strong front you see has been forged in the fire and is now like steel. We work extremely hard to make our little family as strong as possible and we will do all that is necessary to keep it that way. A part of us is missing and there are times when it is a blinding pain that threatens to crush us. So I ask, why go into a situation that we KNOW is going to contribute to that pain? If we do things a certain way, it is because those are the best choices for our family at that point in time. We live daily with the knowledge that Natalia did not get her big miracle. We dealt with the fact that with pain can also come great joy. That blowing bubbles in the face of death can sometimes be the best medicine. I think is too bad that others did not get to learn that with her. We deal with her missing part of our soul every single day. We have learned that the ties that bind aren’t always made by blood. We learned to make the most of what God has given us and leave out all the rest. That is where strength comes from. I’m just saying…
Much Love,
Roni
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
The Language of Grief...great article!
I read this article this morning and have to share. I really loved this and it tapped into a lot of how I feel.
The Language of Grief
By Darcie D. Sims, Ph.D., GMS, CGC, CHT
Once I lived the American Dream. We were a happy family, military by career, parents by choice. And with the birth of our son, our family was to have been complete. We were the American Dream—at least for a little while.
And then, as it happened to you and to so many, it all ended. We learned you couldn’t paint a rainbow on the wall and expect it to stay. The dream came to pieces and we were shattered. No longer the American Dream, we became the American Nightmare. We were bereaved.
We had entered a world we knew nothing about. Suddenly we were strangers in a strange land. We needed help. We needed understanding. We needed someone who could speak our language . . . the language of grief.
We discovered we were grieving, not only the death of our child, but the loss of close friendships, self-esteem, and self-identity as well. We were SO alone . . . left untouched by those around us who must have been afraid, too. Perhaps Death is “catching,” or maybe no one knew what to say. I didn’t know what to hear. But, as the months passed, it only grew darker and we began to wonder if we would ever know peace, joy, or love again.
Eventually, we began to wander and found a few support systems (Thank heavens for TCF!). The Compassionate Friends became a lifeline for us. We found we were not as alone as we feared and we began to struggle through the valley of grief. But as the years went by, I noticed that we and all the other bereaved people we began to know were still struggling with something. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, until one day, I listened to the words we were all using to describe our grief journey. As I listened to my own words and those of fellow strugglers, I began to realize it was not the journey we were having trouble with . . . it was the language we used.
So, I want to create a NEW LANGUAGE! Can we speak in terms of HOPE instead of sorrow? I want to create a new language where Denial is a river in Egypt, not a sin in grieving. Maybe denial isn’t really denial but Postponement. Sometimes I’m just not ready to deal with reality. Before you can deny anything, you have to acknowledge it and once you acknowledge it, then you can postpone it until you are ready or able to cope. Postponement just seems to be a more accurate and usable word.
Perhaps we can replace Acceptance and Acknowledgement. Acceptance, to me, means agree with and I Will Never Agree with what has happened to us! But I can work towards Acknowledgement of what has happened.
Maybe we can change the words we use. Change the Language of Grief into the Language of Hope. Let’s get rid of the word LOST and find the word FOUND. People die, but we do not lose them. They are forever threads in our fabric, memories in our heart, love in our being. They are now and always will be a living and loving part of who we are.
And then, perhaps we can change one more word in the Language of Grief. Can we use the word Healing instead of Recovery? Recovery is a medical word, designed to describe broken bones, not hearts. We recover from a broken arm or the chicken pox. But recover or get over the death of someone I love . . . ? We don’t Get Over the death of someone we love! We get THROUGH IT, one moment, one hour, one day, one hurt at a time. Healing is a hopeful word and I want to be hopeful in my journey.
And let’s get rid of Closure as well! There is no such thing as closure! YOU DON’T STOP LOVING SOMEONE JUST BECAUSE THEY DIED. We grieve because we loved someone! And we WILL CONTINUE TO LOVE THEM FOREVER!
If I could just see HOPE. I kept looking for the aisle marked happiness. I thought it was a place. I kept waiting for it to get better and it only grew darker. If I could just see hope . . .
Hope isn’t a place or a thing. Hope isn’t the absence of pain, fear or sadness. Hope is the possibility of renewed joy. It is the memory of love given and received. Hope is you and me and the person next to you and across the room, down the street and in your dreams.
We are each other’s hope and we need a new language to reflect our hopefulness, not our despair. If we could just change these few words, I believe we might be able to make some progress towards healing. I am tired of struggling to accept when acknowledgment is more honest. I am tired of being in denial when I know exactly what it is I want to deny, so how can you say I am denying anything? I just want to postpone it for awhile. When I feel more capable, less tired and have some skills and tools, then I will work on my “denial.”
And nothing, nothing closes at the funeral except the casket! I will always continue to love my child and hold him within my heart, my spirit, and every fiber of my being. I will have an ongoing and continuing relationship with him until I can once again hold him in my arms. If that is “crazy,” then yes, I am! As a psychotherapist and a bereaved mom, I believe it is my right to continue to love my child forever and loving your child should not be considered as mentally unhealthy. Good-bye? You want me to say good-bye? I wasn’t through saying Hello!
I want a new language, a language of hope and healing instead of denial and death. I want to remember my child’s LIFE first! And that is the new language of love!
May love be what you remember the most!
The Language of Grief
By Darcie D. Sims, Ph.D., GMS, CGC, CHT
Once I lived the American Dream. We were a happy family, military by career, parents by choice. And with the birth of our son, our family was to have been complete. We were the American Dream—at least for a little while.
And then, as it happened to you and to so many, it all ended. We learned you couldn’t paint a rainbow on the wall and expect it to stay. The dream came to pieces and we were shattered. No longer the American Dream, we became the American Nightmare. We were bereaved.
We had entered a world we knew nothing about. Suddenly we were strangers in a strange land. We needed help. We needed understanding. We needed someone who could speak our language . . . the language of grief.
We discovered we were grieving, not only the death of our child, but the loss of close friendships, self-esteem, and self-identity as well. We were SO alone . . . left untouched by those around us who must have been afraid, too. Perhaps Death is “catching,” or maybe no one knew what to say. I didn’t know what to hear. But, as the months passed, it only grew darker and we began to wonder if we would ever know peace, joy, or love again.
Eventually, we began to wander and found a few support systems (Thank heavens for TCF!). The Compassionate Friends became a lifeline for us. We found we were not as alone as we feared and we began to struggle through the valley of grief. But as the years went by, I noticed that we and all the other bereaved people we began to know were still struggling with something. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, until one day, I listened to the words we were all using to describe our grief journey. As I listened to my own words and those of fellow strugglers, I began to realize it was not the journey we were having trouble with . . . it was the language we used.
So, I want to create a NEW LANGUAGE! Can we speak in terms of HOPE instead of sorrow? I want to create a new language where Denial is a river in Egypt, not a sin in grieving. Maybe denial isn’t really denial but Postponement. Sometimes I’m just not ready to deal with reality. Before you can deny anything, you have to acknowledge it and once you acknowledge it, then you can postpone it until you are ready or able to cope. Postponement just seems to be a more accurate and usable word.
Perhaps we can replace Acceptance and Acknowledgement. Acceptance, to me, means agree with and I Will Never Agree with what has happened to us! But I can work towards Acknowledgement of what has happened.
Maybe we can change the words we use. Change the Language of Grief into the Language of Hope. Let’s get rid of the word LOST and find the word FOUND. People die, but we do not lose them. They are forever threads in our fabric, memories in our heart, love in our being. They are now and always will be a living and loving part of who we are.
And then, perhaps we can change one more word in the Language of Grief. Can we use the word Healing instead of Recovery? Recovery is a medical word, designed to describe broken bones, not hearts. We recover from a broken arm or the chicken pox. But recover or get over the death of someone I love . . . ? We don’t Get Over the death of someone we love! We get THROUGH IT, one moment, one hour, one day, one hurt at a time. Healing is a hopeful word and I want to be hopeful in my journey.
And let’s get rid of Closure as well! There is no such thing as closure! YOU DON’T STOP LOVING SOMEONE JUST BECAUSE THEY DIED. We grieve because we loved someone! And we WILL CONTINUE TO LOVE THEM FOREVER!
If I could just see HOPE. I kept looking for the aisle marked happiness. I thought it was a place. I kept waiting for it to get better and it only grew darker. If I could just see hope . . .
Hope isn’t a place or a thing. Hope isn’t the absence of pain, fear or sadness. Hope is the possibility of renewed joy. It is the memory of love given and received. Hope is you and me and the person next to you and across the room, down the street and in your dreams.
We are each other’s hope and we need a new language to reflect our hopefulness, not our despair. If we could just change these few words, I believe we might be able to make some progress towards healing. I am tired of struggling to accept when acknowledgment is more honest. I am tired of being in denial when I know exactly what it is I want to deny, so how can you say I am denying anything? I just want to postpone it for awhile. When I feel more capable, less tired and have some skills and tools, then I will work on my “denial.”
And nothing, nothing closes at the funeral except the casket! I will always continue to love my child and hold him within my heart, my spirit, and every fiber of my being. I will have an ongoing and continuing relationship with him until I can once again hold him in my arms. If that is “crazy,” then yes, I am! As a psychotherapist and a bereaved mom, I believe it is my right to continue to love my child forever and loving your child should not be considered as mentally unhealthy. Good-bye? You want me to say good-bye? I wasn’t through saying Hello!
I want a new language, a language of hope and healing instead of denial and death. I want to remember my child’s LIFE first! And that is the new language of love!
May love be what you remember the most!
Monday, November 15, 2010
'Tis The Season
The Holiday season is on us…and it is crushing. I was pretty numb through it last year. This year I seem to feel Thanksgiving and Christmas creep up on us every second of the day. I am hearing Natalia’s voice in the back of my head…clear as day…asking what we are having for Thanksgiving dinner & “ooo that sounds DEEELICOUS”. Her counting down the days to every major occasion rings through my mind. My heart turns over.
I hit Toys-r-Us at lunch today to pick up Christmas pressies for Sophia…yep, it will be online shopping from now on, except for stocking stuffers. Christmas shopping for one is NOT RIGHT and it makes me both mad and sad. I can’t walk up and down those aisles looking for the perfect Christmas present without a major breakdown. I had one in the car as soon as I got out of the store which gave me the headache…that’s where the mad part comes in. Aren’t we going through enough that I have to have a headache after my crying session? To me that’s just adding insult to injury!!!
The three of us spent this past weekend sprinting around trying to get a ton of stuff done. We were all up early and spent Saturday getting Edgar’s motorcycle up & running…and back home again. Sophia had a soccer game, AJ needed help lifting a dishwasher, checked by a shop to see if the bench we ordered last month was complete, took the dogs to the vet for checkups and shots, went to AT&T(Villa & Shaw) to see about a phone for Edgar’s work (they gave Pia one of their “sample” cell phones for her personal use…big points with Mama & Papa) and then got home just before 7pm before we all passed out cold. Sunday we worked in the backyard, the grass is really coming in now & everything is really coming together. We cleaned and put up shelves in the garage, wow, an organized garage is a cool garage. We also cleaned house. Yep, we were wiped out and ready for bed by 5pm. All and all a good weekend. I feel like we got everything we wanted accomplished! Maybe next weekend will be relaxing. All I have planned is Sophia’s last regular season soccer match, groceries and house cleaning…but you never know!
Much Love,
Roni
I hit Toys-r-Us at lunch today to pick up Christmas pressies for Sophia…yep, it will be online shopping from now on, except for stocking stuffers. Christmas shopping for one is NOT RIGHT and it makes me both mad and sad. I can’t walk up and down those aisles looking for the perfect Christmas present without a major breakdown. I had one in the car as soon as I got out of the store which gave me the headache…that’s where the mad part comes in. Aren’t we going through enough that I have to have a headache after my crying session? To me that’s just adding insult to injury!!!
The three of us spent this past weekend sprinting around trying to get a ton of stuff done. We were all up early and spent Saturday getting Edgar’s motorcycle up & running…and back home again. Sophia had a soccer game, AJ needed help lifting a dishwasher, checked by a shop to see if the bench we ordered last month was complete, took the dogs to the vet for checkups and shots, went to AT&T(Villa & Shaw) to see about a phone for Edgar’s work (they gave Pia one of their “sample” cell phones for her personal use…big points with Mama & Papa) and then got home just before 7pm before we all passed out cold. Sunday we worked in the backyard, the grass is really coming in now & everything is really coming together. We cleaned and put up shelves in the garage, wow, an organized garage is a cool garage. We also cleaned house. Yep, we were wiped out and ready for bed by 5pm. All and all a good weekend. I feel like we got everything we wanted accomplished! Maybe next weekend will be relaxing. All I have planned is Sophia’s last regular season soccer match, groceries and house cleaning…but you never know!
Much Love,
Roni
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Wish Riders at the Love Ride
Dan, Frank, Jenn, Ed "Cajun", Leo, Sophia & Edgar
The Next GenerationThis past weekend was amazing! We were asked to join the Wish Riders in L.A. to film footage at the Love Ride. The Love Ride 2010 was from Glendale Harley Davidson to the Calamigos Ranch(where The Biggest Loser is filmed) in the Malibu Canyons. It benefits a different charity every year and this year's was Autism Speaks.
We met up with Frank, Ed and Kurt at our hotel in Burbank Saturday morning. Sophia and I then followed the guys through those "oh so wonderful" L.A. freeways up to our filming location in the Malibu canyons. Shameless plug...The Knucklehead Inn is an beautiful B&B located on Mulholand Drive. It has a peaceful, warm, friendly feel at a great price that allows you to get away from it all and they cater to bikers of all kinds. Check them out at www.knuckleheadinn.com Ok plug done. We met our film crew there. Our director Jenn, Asst director Leo and PA Austin. They made this weekend fun and even though there was a ton to get done things were kept on track and we had an easy non-stressed shoot. Jenn wanted to film interviews with with all of us...yes even Sophia and I. That was probably the hardest part for me. As you all know, I am not the public speaker for this family. When I get emotional I can't think of what to say and tend to repeat myself frequently and can't get out what I really want to say. Which I know I did...sorry Jenn.
They needed to film out in the canyons and I got to ride with Edgar for parts of it. I must say that the wedding going on at the county club probably hates us. We roared by them 6 times and since the wedding party was close to the road I got to all of their faces turned our way EVERY time we rumbled by. Next we all went to the beach for sunset. Edgar, Pia and I got to play with Natalia for a bit...which they filmed. Dinner at Neptune's on the beach for easily the best fish tacos I have ever eaten. Then back to the Knucklehead to finish shooting the interviews. We were 3 tired puppies when we got back to the hotel...I failed to mention Pia and I had both been out sick with the plague on Thursday and Friday. The breeze in the canyons helped tremendously. On the way back to the hotel, Sophia announces that she is going to be a director because she can learn it at college, take lots of pictures and tell everyone what to do. Just like Jenn!
Sunday morning we met everyone downstairs and added one more to our group...Dan. He is the Road Captain for his Riverside chapter and was to be our guide/Jenn's ride for the day. Jenn did a lot of filming from the back of the bike...I can't wait to see that footage. We made our way to the Glendale Harley to pick up our registration. Sophia got to meet Jay Leno while we were there. Of course, she has noooo idea who he is but he gave her a little hug and said hi. Then we were off for the long drive to the Calamigos Ranch. Tons of filming the whole way. I was so proud of Sophia! There was no whining or complaining during the long morning so when we arrived & saw a ferris wheel...oh yeah she got a ride right away without having to ask. In fact she got to ride it 3 times throughout the day. There was great music, good food, people relaxing and having fun and oh yes...more filming. We got to see some famous people we recognized, probably more we didn't and had a great time. It was sad when we wrapped the weekend, but, I know we will see everyone again and I feel that we made some wonderful new friends.
We were asked to provide more pictures and video with Natalia. I can do the pictures with very little problem now. I tried looking through some of the videos tonight...yep, so not ready to go there. Sophia and I watched the video of Natalia's last Christmas. It shattered us both. It took me a half hour to calm Pia down. We are not ready to see Talia moving and talking...seeing what that horrible disease took from her. Seeing how hard it was for her to walk and talk but still showing her joy in living and her laughter. I thank God that I have those moments on video but I am not ready for the scab to be ripped off by watching them. I have wanted to try for some time but always had an excuse not to. I had a reason tonight and learned my limit. It is good to know.
That's it for now. Much love to you all.
Roni
Monday, November 1, 2010
The Grieving Holiday Bill of Rights
A friend got this "Holiday Bill of Rights" from her counsler when the celebrating of Halloween got a little too much for her grieving Mama's heart. I liked it so much that I am posting it for all of you.
1. You have the right to say TIME OUT! (time to let it out, blow a little steam, step away from the holidays)
2. You have the right to TELL IT LIKE IT IS.
3. You have the right to SOME 'BAH HUMBUG' DAYS!
4. You have the right to DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY. There is no law that says Christmas or whatever holiday always has to be the same way.
5. You have the right to BE WHERE YOU WANT TO BE. Be at home or wherever. Warm or cold...
6. You have a right to SOME FUN!
7. You have a right to CHANGE DIRECTIONS IN MID-STREAM. Holiday grief is unpredictable. You may be already to do something and then suddenly be overwhelmed. It's okay to change your mind.
8. You have a right to DO THINGS AT DIFFERENT TIMES. Go to church at a different time, open presents at a different time, etc.
9. You have a right to REST, PEACE and SOLITUDE. You don't have to be busy all the time...
10. You have the right TO DO IT ALL DIFFERENT AGAIN NEXT YEAR.
Much Love,
Roni
1. You have the right to say TIME OUT! (time to let it out, blow a little steam, step away from the holidays)
2. You have the right to TELL IT LIKE IT IS.
3. You have the right to SOME 'BAH HUMBUG' DAYS!
4. You have the right to DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY. There is no law that says Christmas or whatever holiday always has to be the same way.
5. You have the right to BE WHERE YOU WANT TO BE. Be at home or wherever. Warm or cold...
6. You have a right to SOME FUN!
7. You have a right to CHANGE DIRECTIONS IN MID-STREAM. Holiday grief is unpredictable. You may be already to do something and then suddenly be overwhelmed. It's okay to change your mind.
8. You have a right to DO THINGS AT DIFFERENT TIMES. Go to church at a different time, open presents at a different time, etc.
9. You have a right to REST, PEACE and SOLITUDE. You don't have to be busy all the time...
10. You have the right TO DO IT ALL DIFFERENT AGAIN NEXT YEAR.
Much Love,
Roni
November
Holy Moly time is certainly flying! I cannot believe today is the 1st of November, how did that happen? Today and tomorrow are the Dia de Muertos. The Day of the Dead for those of you unfamiliar with Mexican culture. The holiday focuses on gatherings of family and friends to pray for and remember friends and family members who have died. The celebration occurs in connection with the Catholic holidays of All Saints' Day (November 1) and All Souls' Day (November 2). It is the time that the dead return to check on those they love and for those still living to honor their lives. Family members put out their relatives favorite foods, toys, drinks, and decorate their graves. I find it a very comforting thought. Therefore; in honor of the day, Edgar is making chicken enchiladas and his homemade black beans. The apple soda is in the fridge chilling. Whenever things were taking, what Natalia felt was too long, she would start to whine & Edgar would ask her “what do you think…we’re making chicken enchiladas”. (Anyone who has made them from scratch knows they take all day to make.) Then Natalia would giggle and ask her Papa to make them for her. I feel Natalia around us quite a bit but knowing this time is all hers…well, it’s priceless.
Sophia is playing soccer for the Weldon Stars, the under 8s girls team. She has so much joy in her when she is on the field. She just grins and giggles the entire time. That is not to say she is not focused on playing because she is a really good player. She just loves to play and it shows. I am jealous…she has a six pack! Even if I went to the gym 7 days a week, I would never have that on my curvy figure.
She has also had her 1st detention. Oh yes, our little juvenile delinquent! She got the bright idea that throwing the powered soap around the girl’s bathroom was cool and funny looking. She invited 2 of her friends to also play…then got BUSTED when they told another girl to get out of the bathroom. Mrs. Halverstadt told me later that the bathroom looked like there had been a snowstorm in it. The offenders were marched to Mrs. Armstrong’s office to learn their fate. 2 days recess detention and phone calls home. Sophia got 3 days grounding at home. She told me she thought her punishment “was reasonable.” I know she was expecting to be spanked over it but Edgar and I were both laughing…no spanking when laughing is involved. She also had her 1st report card…1 missed spelling word this year and what would be straight As on a regular report card. 1St grade is on a learning level system rather than grading system. Other then the above mentioned detention she has been a great student! I have to say I am extremely happy that the mischievous part of Pia is coming back out. She had to be so self contained when Natalia was sick that other then whining like a normal little one she packed away a lot of that devilish tinkle that was in her eye.
I was going to add pictures but my phone isn't downloading them at the moment. Frustrating me greatly so I will add them later.
Much Love,
Roni
Sophia is playing soccer for the Weldon Stars, the under 8s girls team. She has so much joy in her when she is on the field. She just grins and giggles the entire time. That is not to say she is not focused on playing because she is a really good player. She just loves to play and it shows. I am jealous…she has a six pack! Even if I went to the gym 7 days a week, I would never have that on my curvy figure.
She has also had her 1st detention. Oh yes, our little juvenile delinquent! She got the bright idea that throwing the powered soap around the girl’s bathroom was cool and funny looking. She invited 2 of her friends to also play…then got BUSTED when they told another girl to get out of the bathroom. Mrs. Halverstadt told me later that the bathroom looked like there had been a snowstorm in it. The offenders were marched to Mrs. Armstrong’s office to learn their fate. 2 days recess detention and phone calls home. Sophia got 3 days grounding at home. She told me she thought her punishment “was reasonable.” I know she was expecting to be spanked over it but Edgar and I were both laughing…no spanking when laughing is involved. She also had her 1st report card…1 missed spelling word this year and what would be straight As on a regular report card. 1St grade is on a learning level system rather than grading system. Other then the above mentioned detention she has been a great student! I have to say I am extremely happy that the mischievous part of Pia is coming back out. She had to be so self contained when Natalia was sick that other then whining like a normal little one she packed away a lot of that devilish tinkle that was in her eye.
I was going to add pictures but my phone isn't downloading them at the moment. Frustrating me greatly so I will add them later.
Much Love,
Roni
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