Thoughts of the Day

I hope everyone had a good 4th of July. We spent ours at a block party. Sophia had a total blast because they had a bounce house water slide & tons of kids for her to play with. When the sun went down everyone gathered around and the fireworks were lit. Sophia "got over" watching them after the first 20 minutes...can you say to tired to sit still? My mind went back to last year at this time...Natalia had just finished radiation treatments and we had to wait to see what the results would be. She had to spend the last few sessions in the hospital because they had lowered her dexamethazone too much and she had swelling in her brain. When they got home we didn't go out because she was too tired and physically unable. This year...I could hear her giggles in my head...and why not she could see all the fireworks everywhere. And you know what? It's ok...it beyond sucks that she is not here...I cry when I hear her...but then her warmth washes over me and I hear her ooo yea and it's ok.

These moments have been happening quiet a lot. I took Sophia to see the circus last week. I spent almost as much time watching her as I did the performance. I kept thinking Talia would have loved this and then total warmth filled me and I knewn...she is loving it through us. She is so much a part of us that there is no beginning and NO END. She will always be with us because she is part of our hearts and souls. No matter what we do she will always be a huge part of it. She will ALWAYS be there. Does it suck beyond belief that I can not physically hold her...yes it does, that will ALWAYS hurt...but she pushes us to go on because that is what she was about. Whenever I start to get really sad these flashes of her go through my mind. Listening to music and crying then a flash of her during her last few weeks sitting on the couch bopping her head and moving her hand to the the beat just jamming out. Her completely, make no sense, knock knock jokes...still make me smile.

What brings all this up...last week had very high highs (the circus and 4th) and very low lows...I packed Natalia's clothes away. I purposely did it like I normally would. I put all the pieces Sophia would grow to fit into boxes and put the stuff that would not stand the test of time(ie would not be "fashionable" in 2 years)into a bag for charity. And then there were the pieces that will be forever hers...that was the hard part...yeah, serious breakdown. But I finished it...then went to the gym. Edgar presented me with trainer sessions so that I would get myself back into the gym and do something for myself. The gym is his solice. When he breaks a sweat it helps him clear his mind...he wanted the same for me. My trainer laughed and said if someone gave her sessions as a gift she might have to hit them but once I explained she laughed and said he was right on. Well, after packing her clothes away, I spent an hour on the treadmill with Lady Gaga and then had no desire to eat my weight in chocolate...which had been my first inclanation after packing Talia's clothes. The next low was our first grief group meeting...lots of pain...lots of anger...so not where we are at...and that brings us pain and anger. Everyone deals with death in their own way and it is a messy emotional process. I think because we dealt with so many of these emotions while she was alive and knew she wouldn't make it we have moved past the anger portion of the grief process. The pain...I am not sure I am ready to deal with others concentrated pain. We'll see. I also think having this blog and being able to write my feeling out have been huge in healing. Pain...forever...focusing it to be of some use...getting there.

Much love to you all,
Roni