I just heard it again, someone “thinks” we are a strong family…but in this case it seems that they are really calling us weak for certain choices…live in our shoes is what I have to say. That wonderful, always strong front you see has been forged in the fire and is now like steel. We work extremely hard to make our little family as strong as possible and we will do all that is necessary to keep it that way. A part of us is missing and there are times when it is a blinding pain that threatens to crush us. So I ask, why go into a situation that we KNOW is going to contribute to that pain? If we do things a certain way, it is because those are the best choices for our family at that point in time. We live daily with the knowledge that Natalia did not get her big miracle. We dealt with the fact that with pain can also come great joy. That blowing bubbles in the face of death can sometimes be the best medicine. I think is too bad that others did not get to learn that with her. We deal with her missing part of our soul every single day. We have learned that the ties that bind aren’t always made by blood. We learned to make the most of what God has given us and leave out all the rest. That is where strength comes from. I’m just saying…
Much Love,
Roni
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
The Language of Grief...great article!
I read this article this morning and have to share. I really loved this and it tapped into a lot of how I feel.
The Language of Grief
By Darcie D. Sims, Ph.D., GMS, CGC, CHT
Once I lived the American Dream. We were a happy family, military by career, parents by choice. And with the birth of our son, our family was to have been complete. We were the American Dream—at least for a little while.
And then, as it happened to you and to so many, it all ended. We learned you couldn’t paint a rainbow on the wall and expect it to stay. The dream came to pieces and we were shattered. No longer the American Dream, we became the American Nightmare. We were bereaved.
We had entered a world we knew nothing about. Suddenly we were strangers in a strange land. We needed help. We needed understanding. We needed someone who could speak our language . . . the language of grief.
We discovered we were grieving, not only the death of our child, but the loss of close friendships, self-esteem, and self-identity as well. We were SO alone . . . left untouched by those around us who must have been afraid, too. Perhaps Death is “catching,” or maybe no one knew what to say. I didn’t know what to hear. But, as the months passed, it only grew darker and we began to wonder if we would ever know peace, joy, or love again.
Eventually, we began to wander and found a few support systems (Thank heavens for TCF!). The Compassionate Friends became a lifeline for us. We found we were not as alone as we feared and we began to struggle through the valley of grief. But as the years went by, I noticed that we and all the other bereaved people we began to know were still struggling with something. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, until one day, I listened to the words we were all using to describe our grief journey. As I listened to my own words and those of fellow strugglers, I began to realize it was not the journey we were having trouble with . . . it was the language we used.
So, I want to create a NEW LANGUAGE! Can we speak in terms of HOPE instead of sorrow? I want to create a new language where Denial is a river in Egypt, not a sin in grieving. Maybe denial isn’t really denial but Postponement. Sometimes I’m just not ready to deal with reality. Before you can deny anything, you have to acknowledge it and once you acknowledge it, then you can postpone it until you are ready or able to cope. Postponement just seems to be a more accurate and usable word.
Perhaps we can replace Acceptance and Acknowledgement. Acceptance, to me, means agree with and I Will Never Agree with what has happened to us! But I can work towards Acknowledgement of what has happened.
Maybe we can change the words we use. Change the Language of Grief into the Language of Hope. Let’s get rid of the word LOST and find the word FOUND. People die, but we do not lose them. They are forever threads in our fabric, memories in our heart, love in our being. They are now and always will be a living and loving part of who we are.
And then, perhaps we can change one more word in the Language of Grief. Can we use the word Healing instead of Recovery? Recovery is a medical word, designed to describe broken bones, not hearts. We recover from a broken arm or the chicken pox. But recover or get over the death of someone I love . . . ? We don’t Get Over the death of someone we love! We get THROUGH IT, one moment, one hour, one day, one hurt at a time. Healing is a hopeful word and I want to be hopeful in my journey.
And let’s get rid of Closure as well! There is no such thing as closure! YOU DON’T STOP LOVING SOMEONE JUST BECAUSE THEY DIED. We grieve because we loved someone! And we WILL CONTINUE TO LOVE THEM FOREVER!
If I could just see HOPE. I kept looking for the aisle marked happiness. I thought it was a place. I kept waiting for it to get better and it only grew darker. If I could just see hope . . .
Hope isn’t a place or a thing. Hope isn’t the absence of pain, fear or sadness. Hope is the possibility of renewed joy. It is the memory of love given and received. Hope is you and me and the person next to you and across the room, down the street and in your dreams.
We are each other’s hope and we need a new language to reflect our hopefulness, not our despair. If we could just change these few words, I believe we might be able to make some progress towards healing. I am tired of struggling to accept when acknowledgment is more honest. I am tired of being in denial when I know exactly what it is I want to deny, so how can you say I am denying anything? I just want to postpone it for awhile. When I feel more capable, less tired and have some skills and tools, then I will work on my “denial.”
And nothing, nothing closes at the funeral except the casket! I will always continue to love my child and hold him within my heart, my spirit, and every fiber of my being. I will have an ongoing and continuing relationship with him until I can once again hold him in my arms. If that is “crazy,” then yes, I am! As a psychotherapist and a bereaved mom, I believe it is my right to continue to love my child forever and loving your child should not be considered as mentally unhealthy. Good-bye? You want me to say good-bye? I wasn’t through saying Hello!
I want a new language, a language of hope and healing instead of denial and death. I want to remember my child’s LIFE first! And that is the new language of love!
May love be what you remember the most!
The Language of Grief
By Darcie D. Sims, Ph.D., GMS, CGC, CHT
Once I lived the American Dream. We were a happy family, military by career, parents by choice. And with the birth of our son, our family was to have been complete. We were the American Dream—at least for a little while.
And then, as it happened to you and to so many, it all ended. We learned you couldn’t paint a rainbow on the wall and expect it to stay. The dream came to pieces and we were shattered. No longer the American Dream, we became the American Nightmare. We were bereaved.
We had entered a world we knew nothing about. Suddenly we were strangers in a strange land. We needed help. We needed understanding. We needed someone who could speak our language . . . the language of grief.
We discovered we were grieving, not only the death of our child, but the loss of close friendships, self-esteem, and self-identity as well. We were SO alone . . . left untouched by those around us who must have been afraid, too. Perhaps Death is “catching,” or maybe no one knew what to say. I didn’t know what to hear. But, as the months passed, it only grew darker and we began to wonder if we would ever know peace, joy, or love again.
Eventually, we began to wander and found a few support systems (Thank heavens for TCF!). The Compassionate Friends became a lifeline for us. We found we were not as alone as we feared and we began to struggle through the valley of grief. But as the years went by, I noticed that we and all the other bereaved people we began to know were still struggling with something. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, until one day, I listened to the words we were all using to describe our grief journey. As I listened to my own words and those of fellow strugglers, I began to realize it was not the journey we were having trouble with . . . it was the language we used.
So, I want to create a NEW LANGUAGE! Can we speak in terms of HOPE instead of sorrow? I want to create a new language where Denial is a river in Egypt, not a sin in grieving. Maybe denial isn’t really denial but Postponement. Sometimes I’m just not ready to deal with reality. Before you can deny anything, you have to acknowledge it and once you acknowledge it, then you can postpone it until you are ready or able to cope. Postponement just seems to be a more accurate and usable word.
Perhaps we can replace Acceptance and Acknowledgement. Acceptance, to me, means agree with and I Will Never Agree with what has happened to us! But I can work towards Acknowledgement of what has happened.
Maybe we can change the words we use. Change the Language of Grief into the Language of Hope. Let’s get rid of the word LOST and find the word FOUND. People die, but we do not lose them. They are forever threads in our fabric, memories in our heart, love in our being. They are now and always will be a living and loving part of who we are.
And then, perhaps we can change one more word in the Language of Grief. Can we use the word Healing instead of Recovery? Recovery is a medical word, designed to describe broken bones, not hearts. We recover from a broken arm or the chicken pox. But recover or get over the death of someone I love . . . ? We don’t Get Over the death of someone we love! We get THROUGH IT, one moment, one hour, one day, one hurt at a time. Healing is a hopeful word and I want to be hopeful in my journey.
And let’s get rid of Closure as well! There is no such thing as closure! YOU DON’T STOP LOVING SOMEONE JUST BECAUSE THEY DIED. We grieve because we loved someone! And we WILL CONTINUE TO LOVE THEM FOREVER!
If I could just see HOPE. I kept looking for the aisle marked happiness. I thought it was a place. I kept waiting for it to get better and it only grew darker. If I could just see hope . . .
Hope isn’t a place or a thing. Hope isn’t the absence of pain, fear or sadness. Hope is the possibility of renewed joy. It is the memory of love given and received. Hope is you and me and the person next to you and across the room, down the street and in your dreams.
We are each other’s hope and we need a new language to reflect our hopefulness, not our despair. If we could just change these few words, I believe we might be able to make some progress towards healing. I am tired of struggling to accept when acknowledgment is more honest. I am tired of being in denial when I know exactly what it is I want to deny, so how can you say I am denying anything? I just want to postpone it for awhile. When I feel more capable, less tired and have some skills and tools, then I will work on my “denial.”
And nothing, nothing closes at the funeral except the casket! I will always continue to love my child and hold him within my heart, my spirit, and every fiber of my being. I will have an ongoing and continuing relationship with him until I can once again hold him in my arms. If that is “crazy,” then yes, I am! As a psychotherapist and a bereaved mom, I believe it is my right to continue to love my child forever and loving your child should not be considered as mentally unhealthy. Good-bye? You want me to say good-bye? I wasn’t through saying Hello!
I want a new language, a language of hope and healing instead of denial and death. I want to remember my child’s LIFE first! And that is the new language of love!
May love be what you remember the most!
Monday, November 15, 2010
'Tis The Season
The Holiday season is on us…and it is crushing. I was pretty numb through it last year. This year I seem to feel Thanksgiving and Christmas creep up on us every second of the day. I am hearing Natalia’s voice in the back of my head…clear as day…asking what we are having for Thanksgiving dinner & “ooo that sounds DEEELICOUS”. Her counting down the days to every major occasion rings through my mind. My heart turns over.
I hit Toys-r-Us at lunch today to pick up Christmas pressies for Sophia…yep, it will be online shopping from now on, except for stocking stuffers. Christmas shopping for one is NOT RIGHT and it makes me both mad and sad. I can’t walk up and down those aisles looking for the perfect Christmas present without a major breakdown. I had one in the car as soon as I got out of the store which gave me the headache…that’s where the mad part comes in. Aren’t we going through enough that I have to have a headache after my crying session? To me that’s just adding insult to injury!!!
The three of us spent this past weekend sprinting around trying to get a ton of stuff done. We were all up early and spent Saturday getting Edgar’s motorcycle up & running…and back home again. Sophia had a soccer game, AJ needed help lifting a dishwasher, checked by a shop to see if the bench we ordered last month was complete, took the dogs to the vet for checkups and shots, went to AT&T(Villa & Shaw) to see about a phone for Edgar’s work (they gave Pia one of their “sample” cell phones for her personal use…big points with Mama & Papa) and then got home just before 7pm before we all passed out cold. Sunday we worked in the backyard, the grass is really coming in now & everything is really coming together. We cleaned and put up shelves in the garage, wow, an organized garage is a cool garage. We also cleaned house. Yep, we were wiped out and ready for bed by 5pm. All and all a good weekend. I feel like we got everything we wanted accomplished! Maybe next weekend will be relaxing. All I have planned is Sophia’s last regular season soccer match, groceries and house cleaning…but you never know!
Much Love,
Roni
I hit Toys-r-Us at lunch today to pick up Christmas pressies for Sophia…yep, it will be online shopping from now on, except for stocking stuffers. Christmas shopping for one is NOT RIGHT and it makes me both mad and sad. I can’t walk up and down those aisles looking for the perfect Christmas present without a major breakdown. I had one in the car as soon as I got out of the store which gave me the headache…that’s where the mad part comes in. Aren’t we going through enough that I have to have a headache after my crying session? To me that’s just adding insult to injury!!!
The three of us spent this past weekend sprinting around trying to get a ton of stuff done. We were all up early and spent Saturday getting Edgar’s motorcycle up & running…and back home again. Sophia had a soccer game, AJ needed help lifting a dishwasher, checked by a shop to see if the bench we ordered last month was complete, took the dogs to the vet for checkups and shots, went to AT&T(Villa & Shaw) to see about a phone for Edgar’s work (they gave Pia one of their “sample” cell phones for her personal use…big points with Mama & Papa) and then got home just before 7pm before we all passed out cold. Sunday we worked in the backyard, the grass is really coming in now & everything is really coming together. We cleaned and put up shelves in the garage, wow, an organized garage is a cool garage. We also cleaned house. Yep, we were wiped out and ready for bed by 5pm. All and all a good weekend. I feel like we got everything we wanted accomplished! Maybe next weekend will be relaxing. All I have planned is Sophia’s last regular season soccer match, groceries and house cleaning…but you never know!
Much Love,
Roni
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Wish Riders at the Love Ride
Dan, Frank, Jenn, Ed "Cajun", Leo, Sophia & Edgar
The Next GenerationThis past weekend was amazing! We were asked to join the Wish Riders in L.A. to film footage at the Love Ride. The Love Ride 2010 was from Glendale Harley Davidson to the Calamigos Ranch(where The Biggest Loser is filmed) in the Malibu Canyons. It benefits a different charity every year and this year's was Autism Speaks.
We met up with Frank, Ed and Kurt at our hotel in Burbank Saturday morning. Sophia and I then followed the guys through those "oh so wonderful" L.A. freeways up to our filming location in the Malibu canyons. Shameless plug...The Knucklehead Inn is an beautiful B&B located on Mulholand Drive. It has a peaceful, warm, friendly feel at a great price that allows you to get away from it all and they cater to bikers of all kinds. Check them out at www.knuckleheadinn.com Ok plug done. We met our film crew there. Our director Jenn, Asst director Leo and PA Austin. They made this weekend fun and even though there was a ton to get done things were kept on track and we had an easy non-stressed shoot. Jenn wanted to film interviews with with all of us...yes even Sophia and I. That was probably the hardest part for me. As you all know, I am not the public speaker for this family. When I get emotional I can't think of what to say and tend to repeat myself frequently and can't get out what I really want to say. Which I know I did...sorry Jenn.
They needed to film out in the canyons and I got to ride with Edgar for parts of it. I must say that the wedding going on at the county club probably hates us. We roared by them 6 times and since the wedding party was close to the road I got to all of their faces turned our way EVERY time we rumbled by. Next we all went to the beach for sunset. Edgar, Pia and I got to play with Natalia for a bit...which they filmed. Dinner at Neptune's on the beach for easily the best fish tacos I have ever eaten. Then back to the Knucklehead to finish shooting the interviews. We were 3 tired puppies when we got back to the hotel...I failed to mention Pia and I had both been out sick with the plague on Thursday and Friday. The breeze in the canyons helped tremendously. On the way back to the hotel, Sophia announces that she is going to be a director because she can learn it at college, take lots of pictures and tell everyone what to do. Just like Jenn!
Sunday morning we met everyone downstairs and added one more to our group...Dan. He is the Road Captain for his Riverside chapter and was to be our guide/Jenn's ride for the day. Jenn did a lot of filming from the back of the bike...I can't wait to see that footage. We made our way to the Glendale Harley to pick up our registration. Sophia got to meet Jay Leno while we were there. Of course, she has noooo idea who he is but he gave her a little hug and said hi. Then we were off for the long drive to the Calamigos Ranch. Tons of filming the whole way. I was so proud of Sophia! There was no whining or complaining during the long morning so when we arrived & saw a ferris wheel...oh yeah she got a ride right away without having to ask. In fact she got to ride it 3 times throughout the day. There was great music, good food, people relaxing and having fun and oh yes...more filming. We got to see some famous people we recognized, probably more we didn't and had a great time. It was sad when we wrapped the weekend, but, I know we will see everyone again and I feel that we made some wonderful new friends.
We were asked to provide more pictures and video with Natalia. I can do the pictures with very little problem now. I tried looking through some of the videos tonight...yep, so not ready to go there. Sophia and I watched the video of Natalia's last Christmas. It shattered us both. It took me a half hour to calm Pia down. We are not ready to see Talia moving and talking...seeing what that horrible disease took from her. Seeing how hard it was for her to walk and talk but still showing her joy in living and her laughter. I thank God that I have those moments on video but I am not ready for the scab to be ripped off by watching them. I have wanted to try for some time but always had an excuse not to. I had a reason tonight and learned my limit. It is good to know.
That's it for now. Much love to you all.
Roni
Monday, November 1, 2010
The Grieving Holiday Bill of Rights
A friend got this "Holiday Bill of Rights" from her counsler when the celebrating of Halloween got a little too much for her grieving Mama's heart. I liked it so much that I am posting it for all of you.
1. You have the right to say TIME OUT! (time to let it out, blow a little steam, step away from the holidays)
2. You have the right to TELL IT LIKE IT IS.
3. You have the right to SOME 'BAH HUMBUG' DAYS!
4. You have the right to DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY. There is no law that says Christmas or whatever holiday always has to be the same way.
5. You have the right to BE WHERE YOU WANT TO BE. Be at home or wherever. Warm or cold...
6. You have a right to SOME FUN!
7. You have a right to CHANGE DIRECTIONS IN MID-STREAM. Holiday grief is unpredictable. You may be already to do something and then suddenly be overwhelmed. It's okay to change your mind.
8. You have a right to DO THINGS AT DIFFERENT TIMES. Go to church at a different time, open presents at a different time, etc.
9. You have a right to REST, PEACE and SOLITUDE. You don't have to be busy all the time...
10. You have the right TO DO IT ALL DIFFERENT AGAIN NEXT YEAR.
Much Love,
Roni
1. You have the right to say TIME OUT! (time to let it out, blow a little steam, step away from the holidays)
2. You have the right to TELL IT LIKE IT IS.
3. You have the right to SOME 'BAH HUMBUG' DAYS!
4. You have the right to DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY. There is no law that says Christmas or whatever holiday always has to be the same way.
5. You have the right to BE WHERE YOU WANT TO BE. Be at home or wherever. Warm or cold...
6. You have a right to SOME FUN!
7. You have a right to CHANGE DIRECTIONS IN MID-STREAM. Holiday grief is unpredictable. You may be already to do something and then suddenly be overwhelmed. It's okay to change your mind.
8. You have a right to DO THINGS AT DIFFERENT TIMES. Go to church at a different time, open presents at a different time, etc.
9. You have a right to REST, PEACE and SOLITUDE. You don't have to be busy all the time...
10. You have the right TO DO IT ALL DIFFERENT AGAIN NEXT YEAR.
Much Love,
Roni
November
Holy Moly time is certainly flying! I cannot believe today is the 1st of November, how did that happen? Today and tomorrow are the Dia de Muertos. The Day of the Dead for those of you unfamiliar with Mexican culture. The holiday focuses on gatherings of family and friends to pray for and remember friends and family members who have died. The celebration occurs in connection with the Catholic holidays of All Saints' Day (November 1) and All Souls' Day (November 2). It is the time that the dead return to check on those they love and for those still living to honor their lives. Family members put out their relatives favorite foods, toys, drinks, and decorate their graves. I find it a very comforting thought. Therefore; in honor of the day, Edgar is making chicken enchiladas and his homemade black beans. The apple soda is in the fridge chilling. Whenever things were taking, what Natalia felt was too long, she would start to whine & Edgar would ask her “what do you think…we’re making chicken enchiladas”. (Anyone who has made them from scratch knows they take all day to make.) Then Natalia would giggle and ask her Papa to make them for her. I feel Natalia around us quite a bit but knowing this time is all hers…well, it’s priceless.
Sophia is playing soccer for the Weldon Stars, the under 8s girls team. She has so much joy in her when she is on the field. She just grins and giggles the entire time. That is not to say she is not focused on playing because she is a really good player. She just loves to play and it shows. I am jealous…she has a six pack! Even if I went to the gym 7 days a week, I would never have that on my curvy figure.
She has also had her 1st detention. Oh yes, our little juvenile delinquent! She got the bright idea that throwing the powered soap around the girl’s bathroom was cool and funny looking. She invited 2 of her friends to also play…then got BUSTED when they told another girl to get out of the bathroom. Mrs. Halverstadt told me later that the bathroom looked like there had been a snowstorm in it. The offenders were marched to Mrs. Armstrong’s office to learn their fate. 2 days recess detention and phone calls home. Sophia got 3 days grounding at home. She told me she thought her punishment “was reasonable.” I know she was expecting to be spanked over it but Edgar and I were both laughing…no spanking when laughing is involved. She also had her 1st report card…1 missed spelling word this year and what would be straight As on a regular report card. 1St grade is on a learning level system rather than grading system. Other then the above mentioned detention she has been a great student! I have to say I am extremely happy that the mischievous part of Pia is coming back out. She had to be so self contained when Natalia was sick that other then whining like a normal little one she packed away a lot of that devilish tinkle that was in her eye.
I was going to add pictures but my phone isn't downloading them at the moment. Frustrating me greatly so I will add them later.
Much Love,
Roni
Sophia is playing soccer for the Weldon Stars, the under 8s girls team. She has so much joy in her when she is on the field. She just grins and giggles the entire time. That is not to say she is not focused on playing because she is a really good player. She just loves to play and it shows. I am jealous…she has a six pack! Even if I went to the gym 7 days a week, I would never have that on my curvy figure.
She has also had her 1st detention. Oh yes, our little juvenile delinquent! She got the bright idea that throwing the powered soap around the girl’s bathroom was cool and funny looking. She invited 2 of her friends to also play…then got BUSTED when they told another girl to get out of the bathroom. Mrs. Halverstadt told me later that the bathroom looked like there had been a snowstorm in it. The offenders were marched to Mrs. Armstrong’s office to learn their fate. 2 days recess detention and phone calls home. Sophia got 3 days grounding at home. She told me she thought her punishment “was reasonable.” I know she was expecting to be spanked over it but Edgar and I were both laughing…no spanking when laughing is involved. She also had her 1st report card…1 missed spelling word this year and what would be straight As on a regular report card. 1St grade is on a learning level system rather than grading system. Other then the above mentioned detention she has been a great student! I have to say I am extremely happy that the mischievous part of Pia is coming back out. She had to be so self contained when Natalia was sick that other then whining like a normal little one she packed away a lot of that devilish tinkle that was in her eye.
I was going to add pictures but my phone isn't downloading them at the moment. Frustrating me greatly so I will add them later.
Much Love,
Roni
Monday, October 18, 2010
Scrambled Eggs
Yes, I said it! Scrambled Eggs! Eggs are an issue in our house. They are fabulous sources of protein that sit in their little box until they go bad. None of us can bare to eat them anymore but we always seem to need them to go into something else...so I keep buying them. We made Natalia scrambled eggs all the time...with salsa. They were easy for her to pick up and chew. They gave her a great source of energy and she loved them. She could eat them even when she couldn't eat anything else. Sophia now cries when one is put in front of her and God forbid if it has salsa on it, then the tears don't seem to stop. I have to smother mine in something else so you can't really tell it's an egg and Edgar can not crack an egg into the pan.
The point of that was that littlest things get you in the heart. All without you realizing it until the dust settles.
I have entered the anger stage of grief. How do I know this...because I'm ticked at God. I haven't stopped talking to him...well I'm not really currently talking, more like ranting and raving at him. Who else has shoulders big enough to handle all my anger?
My list of mad: that Natalia isn't here for us to hold, that I can't see her growing up, that she can't play with her sister, that I can't hear her belly laugh, that so many other children are getting this horrible disease, that there is very little funding for childhood cancer research, that other kids are dying from the same thing and there is no relief in site. I was even ticked for a bit at all the awareness/funding/research for Breast Cancer Awareness Month when September's Childhood Cancer Awareness hardly got any notice except for those who have been through that battle. I got over that one because without Mamas there wouldn't be babies. Cancer just sucks and I am mad at it! When I get mad, I get frustrated and then end up crying, which makes me even madder. I am mad for feeling guilty about moments of happiness. I am mad that my soul aches from missing her so much. I am mad for making Sophia sad when she catches me crying.
Sophia is doing well. I was so proud of her last month. She finally got up the courage to go down the street and introduce herself to the other kids in the neighborhood. Sophia usually has to be prodded out of her shell and then her diva will come shining through but lately that has not been an issue. Over the past month and a half I have really begun to see the girl that Sophia was becoming before Natalia got sick come back out. The girl who didn't have a shy bone in her body and was prepared for any situation. That girl went into hiding for a while but is now coming back out with pieces of Natalia thrown in. There are moments that I see Natalia shining right through her and I have to stop and catch myself before I start crying all over her. I am constantly amazed at this girl we are raising. I know that she would have been a different person if Natalia never would have gotten sick. She feels peoples emotions so much now and is very careful to make sure everyone is included in her fun. While she is more thoughtful and still gets that frightened look in her eyes at the thought of Edgar or I going somewhere without her, she never lets you forget that she is indeed...a diva worth being the center of attention.
That's it for now.
Much Love, Roni
The point of that was that littlest things get you in the heart. All without you realizing it until the dust settles.
I have entered the anger stage of grief. How do I know this...because I'm ticked at God. I haven't stopped talking to him...well I'm not really currently talking, more like ranting and raving at him. Who else has shoulders big enough to handle all my anger?
My list of mad: that Natalia isn't here for us to hold, that I can't see her growing up, that she can't play with her sister, that I can't hear her belly laugh, that so many other children are getting this horrible disease, that there is very little funding for childhood cancer research, that other kids are dying from the same thing and there is no relief in site. I was even ticked for a bit at all the awareness/funding/research for Breast Cancer Awareness Month when September's Childhood Cancer Awareness hardly got any notice except for those who have been through that battle. I got over that one because without Mamas there wouldn't be babies. Cancer just sucks and I am mad at it! When I get mad, I get frustrated and then end up crying, which makes me even madder. I am mad for feeling guilty about moments of happiness. I am mad that my soul aches from missing her so much. I am mad for making Sophia sad when she catches me crying.
Sophia is doing well. I was so proud of her last month. She finally got up the courage to go down the street and introduce herself to the other kids in the neighborhood. Sophia usually has to be prodded out of her shell and then her diva will come shining through but lately that has not been an issue. Over the past month and a half I have really begun to see the girl that Sophia was becoming before Natalia got sick come back out. The girl who didn't have a shy bone in her body and was prepared for any situation. That girl went into hiding for a while but is now coming back out with pieces of Natalia thrown in. There are moments that I see Natalia shining right through her and I have to stop and catch myself before I start crying all over her. I am constantly amazed at this girl we are raising. I know that she would have been a different person if Natalia never would have gotten sick. She feels peoples emotions so much now and is very careful to make sure everyone is included in her fun. While she is more thoughtful and still gets that frightened look in her eyes at the thought of Edgar or I going somewhere without her, she never lets you forget that she is indeed...a diva worth being the center of attention.
That's it for now.
Much Love, Roni
Monday, September 6, 2010
What a Weekend
Yep, just what you all need to hear about another of my crying episodes...but once I get it written it doesn't bother me as much anymore. It not that I am an unhappy person but man can I now hit some lows. However, I will say that our time on the ocean is always the most peaceful times I have now. Hearing the waves hit the beach is like listening to Natalia's laugh. There is nothing better then all four of us together.
Edgar left home last Monday for a gang conference in gorgeous San Diego...at a hotel right on Mission Bay...across the street from Mission Beach. So we decided that Sophia & I would join him for the weekend and have a major relaxing time. Nothing but chilling and the bay, beach and pool. Yep, no Seaworld, no world famous zoo, just sun, surf and relaxation.
Let me first say that if we do something like this again, it will be before his conference begins. Edgar does not like to be away from home for long. He was tired and had a major case of "I just want to go home" by the time we arrived Friday afternoon. That is not to say we didn't have a good time. We played in the Bay Friday afternoon and went to a Luau that night. What a blast! Sophia had so much fun and even got up on the stage with the dancers for a kiddie hula. We spent Saturday playing with Natalia in the ocean. Sunday morning was pool time and the afternoon walking on the beach with Natalia. Sophia wrote messages to her sissy in the sand for the tide to carry out to Natalia. The weekend had some beautiful times.
Now for the not so great moments. Some of you may know, Edgar and I decided to try for another baby at the end of June. We expected it to take many months so when I turned up pregnant by the end of July we were ecstatic! We didn't tell very many people because we wanted the first "major" OB appointment before yelling the news to the world. That appointment was last Tuesday and the news was not good. The yolk was way too big for the baby to survive the first trimester. That didn't mean we gave up hope but talk about a frying pan upside the head. I started bleeding on Friday afternoon and by Saturday morning I couldn't feel that little life force anymore. I think they wanted to join their sister by the sea. They showed us just how much we do want another child and we will try again once my body is ready...40 year old body that it is.
Less distressing but more frustrating because of the first...I lost my bestest most fav sunglasses Friday night. It was just one more thing and I think that's why I took it harder and out of proportion. But it was like "you have to be kidding me".
Sunday before sunrise...Edgar retrieves a message from his phone. Redd is running the neighborhood. They can't catch him! I call my dad at 6:30am to check the house and see if he can get Redd to jump in the car with him. Redd loves to go for a ride. Guess what, Redd is in the backyard...the neighbors caught him and fixed the fence...but Coco was not there. She had knocked and slat loose and escaped. Dad searched the area with no luck. He went back to search and talk to everyone after Mom got back from church...No Coco. Edgar and I facebooked asking if anyone had seen her. We were heartbroken! We had just lost a baby now Coco was gone, oh yeah, doom and gloom time as we sat at San Diego airport and there was nothing we could do. My Mom called at 3pm...Coco was found...at the Petsmart on Willow/Herndon. She was wandering the parking lot up there and some kind soul brought her over to the people that adopt pets out in front on the weekends. P.A.W.S. Precious Animals Worth Saving...no kill shelter. They took her inside and bathed her, deflead her and had her microchip read. When they couldn't reach anyone at our house they called my parents. Thank God! It was like having a fifty pound weight taken off out chests. Now we just needed to get home and hug the dogs. Needless to say, today Edgar is going to be re enforcing the fence.
Much love to you all,
Roni
Edgar left home last Monday for a gang conference in gorgeous San Diego...at a hotel right on Mission Bay...across the street from Mission Beach. So we decided that Sophia & I would join him for the weekend and have a major relaxing time. Nothing but chilling and the bay, beach and pool. Yep, no Seaworld, no world famous zoo, just sun, surf and relaxation.
Let me first say that if we do something like this again, it will be before his conference begins. Edgar does not like to be away from home for long. He was tired and had a major case of "I just want to go home" by the time we arrived Friday afternoon. That is not to say we didn't have a good time. We played in the Bay Friday afternoon and went to a Luau that night. What a blast! Sophia had so much fun and even got up on the stage with the dancers for a kiddie hula. We spent Saturday playing with Natalia in the ocean. Sunday morning was pool time and the afternoon walking on the beach with Natalia. Sophia wrote messages to her sissy in the sand for the tide to carry out to Natalia. The weekend had some beautiful times.
Now for the not so great moments. Some of you may know, Edgar and I decided to try for another baby at the end of June. We expected it to take many months so when I turned up pregnant by the end of July we were ecstatic! We didn't tell very many people because we wanted the first "major" OB appointment before yelling the news to the world. That appointment was last Tuesday and the news was not good. The yolk was way too big for the baby to survive the first trimester. That didn't mean we gave up hope but talk about a frying pan upside the head. I started bleeding on Friday afternoon and by Saturday morning I couldn't feel that little life force anymore. I think they wanted to join their sister by the sea. They showed us just how much we do want another child and we will try again once my body is ready...40 year old body that it is.
Less distressing but more frustrating because of the first...I lost my bestest most fav sunglasses Friday night. It was just one more thing and I think that's why I took it harder and out of proportion. But it was like "you have to be kidding me".
Sunday before sunrise...Edgar retrieves a message from his phone. Redd is running the neighborhood. They can't catch him! I call my dad at 6:30am to check the house and see if he can get Redd to jump in the car with him. Redd loves to go for a ride. Guess what, Redd is in the backyard...the neighbors caught him and fixed the fence...but Coco was not there. She had knocked and slat loose and escaped. Dad searched the area with no luck. He went back to search and talk to everyone after Mom got back from church...No Coco. Edgar and I facebooked asking if anyone had seen her. We were heartbroken! We had just lost a baby now Coco was gone, oh yeah, doom and gloom time as we sat at San Diego airport and there was nothing we could do. My Mom called at 3pm...Coco was found...at the Petsmart on Willow/Herndon. She was wandering the parking lot up there and some kind soul brought her over to the people that adopt pets out in front on the weekends. P.A.W.S. Precious Animals Worth Saving...no kill shelter. They took her inside and bathed her, deflead her and had her microchip read. When they couldn't reach anyone at our house they called my parents. Thank God! It was like having a fifty pound weight taken off out chests. Now we just needed to get home and hug the dogs. Needless to say, today Edgar is going to be re enforcing the fence.
Much love to you all,
Roni
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Life...or something like it
Wow, 2 months since I last wrote. It has been an emotional couple of months. Not in a bad way but in a healing way. I came to the realization that while I am not fully prepared for some of the things life throws at me there are others that I am truly ready for. I have gotten to the place where I can forgive myself for not being emotionally ready to "deal" with some of the things I have tried to accomplish. Of course, that doesn't mean I won't keep trying, I just won't be as hard on myself for breaking down...I'll eventually get there and when I do it will be right for me. Vague thoughts,I know, but sometimes it's hard to swim through the grief.
I went to Las Vegas for a girls weekend at the end of June. It was great to just take myself out of my comfort zone. Though it was hard not talking to Edgar for 3 days. I was not supposed to call or text them other then to let him know that I arrived in Las Vegas then returned to Fresno safely. Sophia kinda of blew that theory. Yup, she knows my cell number and the "Mama, when are you coming home" phone calls started Saturday morning. The time away allowed me to calm my thoughts and find my balance again. I came to some important decisions and they helped to bring some more peace to my life.
I also had another momentous marking during the last 2 months...I turned 40! I don't know where the time has gone. There are some days when I still feel young and vibrant while others feel like I am older then dirt and life is draining away...most days I am happily in between with so much to learn and accomplish that a lifetime is not enough.
Need to sign off before I'm done writing...Pia requires my attention.
Much Love,
Roni
I went to Las Vegas for a girls weekend at the end of June. It was great to just take myself out of my comfort zone. Though it was hard not talking to Edgar for 3 days. I was not supposed to call or text them other then to let him know that I arrived in Las Vegas then returned to Fresno safely. Sophia kinda of blew that theory. Yup, she knows my cell number and the "Mama, when are you coming home" phone calls started Saturday morning. The time away allowed me to calm my thoughts and find my balance again. I came to some important decisions and they helped to bring some more peace to my life.
I also had another momentous marking during the last 2 months...I turned 40! I don't know where the time has gone. There are some days when I still feel young and vibrant while others feel like I am older then dirt and life is draining away...most days I am happily in between with so much to learn and accomplish that a lifetime is not enough.
Need to sign off before I'm done writing...Pia requires my attention.
Much Love,
Roni
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Just Keep Swimming
What is the fine line between depression and grief? Is there one? Do you just crumble on the couch and not want to take part in world from laziness or are you so detached because nothing soothes that part of you that is missing? You go for so long with only a few hours of sleep at night because your mind can’t turn off the dreams. You smile and laugh with the people around you but don’t feel the emotions that go with it. No one truly understands the loss you are feeling and you can barely verbalize it. When you try to speak the words you are over come by emotions and just end up crying. The crying turns to anger because you can’t say what you need to get out. The anger turns to frustration because there is no where to release it (how do you physically attack the disease that took Natalia). The frustration grows until you just want to hit out at anyone or anything but keep pulling it back inside because you don’t want to hurt anyone else…pulling you further away from the world of the normal. These feeling may last a few minutes, hours, days, weeks, months or even years. Simply put, you feel lost.
What a way to start to the blog…I recently found, or should I say came back to, the world of online grief support groups. I discovered…that my grief is “sane”. Wow, sanity, what an amazing concept. I just thought I was beginning to lose what is left of my mind…coming up on the big 40 is causing parts of my mind to go. LOL!!! Back to online grief support, I recently found Compassionate Friends on Facebook. The last experience I had with a grief support group put me off…too much pain and anger in one place for me to handle well. While elements of that do exist at CF, how can it not when you lose a loved one, the majority of people are just like our family. They have learned the miracle of the moment. The pain exists but they are not willing to let it overshadow joy that our loved one brought into our lives. It feels good to throw out emotional moments and have feed back from someone else that “gets it”(getting mail for Natalia is one instance. Yep, stuff will still come.).
I fall into the minutes and days category. I feel the waves of grief everyday but only allow them to overcome me for a few “minutes” a day. The “days” part is when I get knocked sideways by a wave and just can’t seem to recover for a few days. I don’t think of grief as a rollercoaster or a crazy train like other people have described. For me grief is like the ocean and I have gotten to be a pretty good swimmer. There are beautiful, peaceful coves that can hide dangerous riptides. This is when everything is going really good and I begin to think that I’m stronger and ready to face anything only to get hit in the face by opening an envelope containing Natalia’s death certificate. There are untold dark depths that hide amazing underwater life. This is when I am ready to give up swimming and sink beneath the surface then Sophia will sing and dance her way through one of her amazing “I love you Mama!” creations. I have learned that some days are easier then others. When the grief overwhelms me, I look around and see the true magnificence and beauty that the world has to offer and I know Talia is looking down on us and saying “it’s all going to be ok.” In Dory’s immortal words “Just Keep Swimming, just keepswimming!”
A lot of overwhelming feelings have popped up over the past two months. Sophia is starting to have so many “1st’s” that Natalia never got to experience. So I get double smacked with them. Here’s the one example that had me balling up a storm in the car…watching Sophia walk away from me to school all by herself. She decided she was old enough and did not need me to walk her to her classroom door. Twofold…my BABY was growing up, getting more independent and ready for more responsibility (enough to drive any parent to tears)…Natalia got sick just before she hit this stage…in fact she got sick almost exactly 2 years to the date when Sophia decided to declare her independence. Oh yeah, cryfest! Just driving by Weldon the last couple of months has been enough to send me into tears. It’s that time of year, the time when Natalia was first diagnosed with the brain tumor, so the memories are coming fast and furious. She was so happy in kindergarten and every time I drive by I see her laughing and playing tag on the playground. They are happy memories but they make me miss her all the more. These memories hit last year, as well, but I was so numb from just losing her that they didn’t send me into a tailspin. They were more of a comfort last year. I know they will be comfort again but Sophia’s jumps into independence give grief that small opening it needs to overwhelm.
I am probably not making sense to you. There are times when I don’t even make sense to myself. But I just needed to write it down and get the feelings out. Then, hopefully, they won’t affect me so much.
Much Love,
Roni
What a way to start to the blog…I recently found, or should I say came back to, the world of online grief support groups. I discovered…that my grief is “sane”. Wow, sanity, what an amazing concept. I just thought I was beginning to lose what is left of my mind…coming up on the big 40 is causing parts of my mind to go. LOL!!! Back to online grief support, I recently found Compassionate Friends on Facebook. The last experience I had with a grief support group put me off…too much pain and anger in one place for me to handle well. While elements of that do exist at CF, how can it not when you lose a loved one, the majority of people are just like our family. They have learned the miracle of the moment. The pain exists but they are not willing to let it overshadow joy that our loved one brought into our lives. It feels good to throw out emotional moments and have feed back from someone else that “gets it”(getting mail for Natalia is one instance. Yep, stuff will still come.).
I fall into the minutes and days category. I feel the waves of grief everyday but only allow them to overcome me for a few “minutes” a day. The “days” part is when I get knocked sideways by a wave and just can’t seem to recover for a few days. I don’t think of grief as a rollercoaster or a crazy train like other people have described. For me grief is like the ocean and I have gotten to be a pretty good swimmer. There are beautiful, peaceful coves that can hide dangerous riptides. This is when everything is going really good and I begin to think that I’m stronger and ready to face anything only to get hit in the face by opening an envelope containing Natalia’s death certificate. There are untold dark depths that hide amazing underwater life. This is when I am ready to give up swimming and sink beneath the surface then Sophia will sing and dance her way through one of her amazing “I love you Mama!” creations. I have learned that some days are easier then others. When the grief overwhelms me, I look around and see the true magnificence and beauty that the world has to offer and I know Talia is looking down on us and saying “it’s all going to be ok.” In Dory’s immortal words “Just Keep Swimming, just keepswimming!”
A lot of overwhelming feelings have popped up over the past two months. Sophia is starting to have so many “1st’s” that Natalia never got to experience. So I get double smacked with them. Here’s the one example that had me balling up a storm in the car…watching Sophia walk away from me to school all by herself. She decided she was old enough and did not need me to walk her to her classroom door. Twofold…my BABY was growing up, getting more independent and ready for more responsibility (enough to drive any parent to tears)…Natalia got sick just before she hit this stage…in fact she got sick almost exactly 2 years to the date when Sophia decided to declare her independence. Oh yeah, cryfest! Just driving by Weldon the last couple of months has been enough to send me into tears. It’s that time of year, the time when Natalia was first diagnosed with the brain tumor, so the memories are coming fast and furious. She was so happy in kindergarten and every time I drive by I see her laughing and playing tag on the playground. They are happy memories but they make me miss her all the more. These memories hit last year, as well, but I was so numb from just losing her that they didn’t send me into a tailspin. They were more of a comfort last year. I know they will be comfort again but Sophia’s jumps into independence give grief that small opening it needs to overwhelm.
I am probably not making sense to you. There are times when I don’t even make sense to myself. But I just needed to write it down and get the feelings out. Then, hopefully, they won’t affect me so much.
Much Love,
Roni
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
The Good, The Bad and The Somewhat Ugly
The past few weeks have been extremely busy, emotional, inspiring and just plain fun. It’s hard to try to express yourself in writing when your emotions just seem to overflow everything you try to put on the page. I have been thinking and thinking about how I want to say things…then end up so busy that I don’t have time to write. I also have not been in the mood to cry while I write. Normally, this would be my outlet and allow me to feel better after getting it on the page but I have spent most nights lately having dreams that leave me emotionally wrung out.
Wish Riders…what an amazing experience. We gained new friends and family while Edgar was involved in the filming of the pilot episode. To be around people who fully understand the power of wish was incredible. These people understood the difference between seeing the support of people around you and feeling, being surrounded, in the support. That feeling of support is, what I believe, inspires wish recipients to give back to their communities and Make-A-Wish. That feeling of support helps pull you through life’s darker moments. It can help bring you back from the edge, when all seems lost. All of us came from different back rounds and our experiences with illness where different but the commitment to help others have those same moments of peace, hope and joy that our families experienced during their wish was incredibly strong. While we may not be able to cure the disease, we can help ease the heart. I know that ease of feeling from all of you is what helped our family get through the dark times. It still does! Please, please, please check out the web site for Wish Riders (www.wishriders.org) and “like” them on Facebook. The bigger the grass roots fan base the show has the better chance it will have to make it on the air waves…the bigger chance to help even more kids receive the healing power of a wish. Here is a fact for you that most people don’t realize…80% of “wish kids” survive. The hope and strength a wish inspires in them is something they will pass on for the rest of their lives.
Sophia went to Camp Hope this past weekend. How much fun and how busy she stayed was evident in the fact she slept almost all the way home from Livermore. She was surrounded by kids and counselors who had all experienced loss. An environment where she could let it all out and everyone would be on the same wave length. We were told (something everyone knows about her) that she is much older emotionally then any 6 year old should be. I was told to fire her occasionally (she likes to be a therapist and tried to counsel the other kids in her cabin) and remind her it’s ok to be a kid. She said her favorite thing that she did at camp was to “trash the boys’ cabin.” I guess this went back and forth all weekend. The therapist from her cabin said she had an emotional breakthrough on Saturday night at the candlelight vigil where each child lit a candle and spoke about their loved one who passed away. She hasn’t really wanted to talk about it yet and I am not pushing her. I pull one of her crafts that she made from her bag and ask about why they made it but she just shrugs it off. I will wait until she wants to talk and try to keep my ears & eyes open for signs.
The dreams are amazing in some ways but…no other way to put it…totally suck in others. For the most part I love to dream about Natalia. Most of the dreams are good loving dreams. I get to see her face and hear her voice again. I just don’t want to let her go when the dream is over so I end up waking up in the middle of the night crying. I can’t get back to sleep because every time I close my eyes I see her face and the grief just overwhelms me so I end up staying awake…good plan until you have to get up and face the world the next morning. The other dreams though…they pick out every piece of guilt and hurt that my subconscious mind can dig up. Things pop up into them that if I was awake I would never think of. The main theme is the guilt over not seeing signs of the brain tumor. I hear her voice insisting that we had to go to Monterey immediately, before we knew about the tumor. I see all the little markers of brain tumor that could have just been her allergies and the new medicine she was taking causing. The dreams come in many forms and many different things take place in them. Some dreams are replays of actual events while others show things that never happened. But they all play on my fragile human emotions and are hard to overcome. So I have been a bit sleep deprived lately. I was ready to hit the wall.
Edgar and I tend to hit the wall at the same time…crash and explode over the smallest matter…then talk about what is really bothering us. The problem for us both is that we don’t realize how much we are holding in trying not to cause each other pain. The main point…we do talk about it…the pain, the guilt, the loneliness of feeling Natalia close but not being able to hold her. I think this is where some families break. They don’t talk about what is bothering them. The emotions get so out of control that it is hard not feel unjustified resentment and when the explosion hits they just walk away. Because these emotions are incredibly strong and make you hit out without thought of the other person’s feelings. I hope we are teaching Pia to talk about the feelings when they are getting to be too much to control. I now have another way to ease the emotions…my early Mother’s Day present…my helmet, leather jacket and boots. I am now a biker babe! The feeling you get from riding is amazing. It helps to clear away the cobwebs of your mind and lets you breath deep. No wonder Edgar likes it so much.
Well, I think I got through just about everything I wanted to talk about…and all without crying.
Much Love,
Roni
Wish Riders…what an amazing experience. We gained new friends and family while Edgar was involved in the filming of the pilot episode. To be around people who fully understand the power of wish was incredible. These people understood the difference between seeing the support of people around you and feeling, being surrounded, in the support. That feeling of support is, what I believe, inspires wish recipients to give back to their communities and Make-A-Wish. That feeling of support helps pull you through life’s darker moments. It can help bring you back from the edge, when all seems lost. All of us came from different back rounds and our experiences with illness where different but the commitment to help others have those same moments of peace, hope and joy that our families experienced during their wish was incredibly strong. While we may not be able to cure the disease, we can help ease the heart. I know that ease of feeling from all of you is what helped our family get through the dark times. It still does! Please, please, please check out the web site for Wish Riders (www.wishriders.org) and “like” them on Facebook. The bigger the grass roots fan base the show has the better chance it will have to make it on the air waves…the bigger chance to help even more kids receive the healing power of a wish. Here is a fact for you that most people don’t realize…80% of “wish kids” survive. The hope and strength a wish inspires in them is something they will pass on for the rest of their lives.
Sophia went to Camp Hope this past weekend. How much fun and how busy she stayed was evident in the fact she slept almost all the way home from Livermore. She was surrounded by kids and counselors who had all experienced loss. An environment where she could let it all out and everyone would be on the same wave length. We were told (something everyone knows about her) that she is much older emotionally then any 6 year old should be. I was told to fire her occasionally (she likes to be a therapist and tried to counsel the other kids in her cabin) and remind her it’s ok to be a kid. She said her favorite thing that she did at camp was to “trash the boys’ cabin.” I guess this went back and forth all weekend. The therapist from her cabin said she had an emotional breakthrough on Saturday night at the candlelight vigil where each child lit a candle and spoke about their loved one who passed away. She hasn’t really wanted to talk about it yet and I am not pushing her. I pull one of her crafts that she made from her bag and ask about why they made it but she just shrugs it off. I will wait until she wants to talk and try to keep my ears & eyes open for signs.
The dreams are amazing in some ways but…no other way to put it…totally suck in others. For the most part I love to dream about Natalia. Most of the dreams are good loving dreams. I get to see her face and hear her voice again. I just don’t want to let her go when the dream is over so I end up waking up in the middle of the night crying. I can’t get back to sleep because every time I close my eyes I see her face and the grief just overwhelms me so I end up staying awake…good plan until you have to get up and face the world the next morning. The other dreams though…they pick out every piece of guilt and hurt that my subconscious mind can dig up. Things pop up into them that if I was awake I would never think of. The main theme is the guilt over not seeing signs of the brain tumor. I hear her voice insisting that we had to go to Monterey immediately, before we knew about the tumor. I see all the little markers of brain tumor that could have just been her allergies and the new medicine she was taking causing. The dreams come in many forms and many different things take place in them. Some dreams are replays of actual events while others show things that never happened. But they all play on my fragile human emotions and are hard to overcome. So I have been a bit sleep deprived lately. I was ready to hit the wall.
Edgar and I tend to hit the wall at the same time…crash and explode over the smallest matter…then talk about what is really bothering us. The problem for us both is that we don’t realize how much we are holding in trying not to cause each other pain. The main point…we do talk about it…the pain, the guilt, the loneliness of feeling Natalia close but not being able to hold her. I think this is where some families break. They don’t talk about what is bothering them. The emotions get so out of control that it is hard not feel unjustified resentment and when the explosion hits they just walk away. Because these emotions are incredibly strong and make you hit out without thought of the other person’s feelings. I hope we are teaching Pia to talk about the feelings when they are getting to be too much to control. I now have another way to ease the emotions…my early Mother’s Day present…my helmet, leather jacket and boots. I am now a biker babe! The feeling you get from riding is amazing. It helps to clear away the cobwebs of your mind and lets you breath deep. No wonder Edgar likes it so much.
Well, I think I got through just about everything I wanted to talk about…and all without crying.
Much Love,
Roni
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
National Brain Tumor Awareness Month
May is Brain Tumor Awareness Month. Break out those gray ribbons! Some of the Facts:
• Each year approximately 187,000 adults and 2,900 children are diagnosed with a brain tumor.
• Brain tumors are the leading cause of cancer death in children under age 20 now surpassing acute lymphoblastic leukemia (ALL), and are the third leading cause of cancer death in young adults ages 20-39.
• Brain tumors are the second fastest growing cause of cancer death among those over age 65.
• Brain tumors are the second leading cause of cancer-related deaths in males ages 20-39.
• Brain tumors are the fifth leading cause of cancer-related deaths in women ages 20-39.
• There are over 120 different types of brain tumors, making effective treatment very complicated. Worse, children's brains react so differently than adults that the same treatment is ineffective.
• At present, brain tumors are treated by surgery, radiation therapy and chemotherapy, used individually or in combination.
• Symptoms of a brain tumor can include headaches, seizures, cognitive or personality changes, eye weakness, nausea or vomiting, speech disturbances, or memory loss.
• The cure rate for most brain tumors is significantly lower than that for most other types of cancer.
• Brain tumor research is underfunded and the public, in general, is unaware of the magnitude of the problem.
• Currently, brain tumors cannot be prevented because their cause is still unknown.
• Each year approximately 187,000 adults and 2,900 children are diagnosed with a brain tumor.
• Brain tumors are the leading cause of cancer death in children under age 20 now surpassing acute lymphoblastic leukemia (ALL), and are the third leading cause of cancer death in young adults ages 20-39.
• Brain tumors are the second fastest growing cause of cancer death among those over age 65.
• Brain tumors are the second leading cause of cancer-related deaths in males ages 20-39.
• Brain tumors are the fifth leading cause of cancer-related deaths in women ages 20-39.
• There are over 120 different types of brain tumors, making effective treatment very complicated. Worse, children's brains react so differently than adults that the same treatment is ineffective.
• At present, brain tumors are treated by surgery, radiation therapy and chemotherapy, used individually or in combination.
• Symptoms of a brain tumor can include headaches, seizures, cognitive or personality changes, eye weakness, nausea or vomiting, speech disturbances, or memory loss.
• The cure rate for most brain tumors is significantly lower than that for most other types of cancer.
• Brain tumor research is underfunded and the public, in general, is unaware of the magnitude of the problem.
• Currently, brain tumors cannot be prevented because their cause is still unknown.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Wish Riders
First off, let me say a huge THANK YOU to the Wish Riders and ABC for allowing our family to be part of this project. This weekend was an amazing experience for us all. I just want to get this posted without crying my way through it so for now the highlights. I will go into more details soon.
We met Edgar's brothers of another mother this weekend and it was a truly amazing experience for them all. Joey, survivor of childhood leukemia and Wish Kid. Paul, father to Maddie who passed away from bone cancer. I will go more into their stories later...part of the crying experience.
We arrived in Phoenix on Friday at 1130am. When we arrived at the hotel we had an invitation to a welcome reception at 6pm so since we had time we headed off to the Arizona Bike Week site and met up with the Central Valley Make A Wish crew...Tony, Lori, Shelly and Diana. Miss Sophia got her cute on and once we convinced her to talk louder she sold 5 raffle tickets. I was so proud of her!!! She has to get past that 5 minutes of shyness with anyone new and to have to approach a whole bunch of new people...go Pia. I must say that she melted several hearts even if she didn't sell them a ticket. Pia would jump in front of people and Shelly would reel them in. We took off at about 5pm...at that time there were close to 1000 bikes in the parking lot with more arriving every moment.
The reception was a get to know you session and a briefing of what generally was going to happen for filming over the weekend. It was a crying and bonding session. Sophia met Alyssa, Joey's step-daughter, and they became instant BFFs. The guys also instantly bonded. We Moms bonded over our girls and husbands. It was just an incredible evening. While the guys were going to be busy filming and traveling all over, their women were going to be hanging out. So the girl posse was (Joey's family) April(wife) and Alyssa & Ashland, Sophia and I. It was so nice to have someone to hang with. We went to the Zoo on Saturday and talked about heading over to Bike Week but the guys were determined that their daughters were not to be brought to Bike Week...too many biker babes not wearing enough clothing and too many bikers guys looking scary. They had spent the morning there and gotten an eye full. This would be some of the reason why the biker community is not tapped into like it should be for fundraising purposes. There were sereval local charities at work out there and most had waiting lines. Bikers look scary and the babes might be scantily clad but they have big hearts and pocket books...the Wish Riders want to tap into that for Make A Wish.
The guys were all gone from 8am to 630pm Saturday. They stopped by the hotel to grab some food and overnight gear. They were on the road to the desert by 715pm and arrived at their destination about 11pm. They had to be in place for sunrise filming at 4am. The girls headed to the Arizona Science Museum Sunday and spent the day doing hands on experiments. Everyone got back to the hotel around 530pm. Edgar, Paul and Joey were all sun burned and exhausted. The whole Wish Rider gang went out for dinner that night. It was the first time they had all gotten to sit still in two days but it was well worth it. An amazing few days for everyone involved.
Everyone flew home on Monday afternoon. Paul to Michigan. Joey and family to Texas and us to California. As I said I will post more about the whole weekend and Edgar's Wish Rider experience in a later post. After a full day of work I just want to get Pia ready for bed and fall into it myself.
Much Love,
Roni
P.S. Sophia is heading to camp next weekend. She got in!!!! She is so excited about going.
We met Edgar's brothers of another mother this weekend and it was a truly amazing experience for them all. Joey, survivor of childhood leukemia and Wish Kid. Paul, father to Maddie who passed away from bone cancer. I will go more into their stories later...part of the crying experience.
We arrived in Phoenix on Friday at 1130am. When we arrived at the hotel we had an invitation to a welcome reception at 6pm so since we had time we headed off to the Arizona Bike Week site and met up with the Central Valley Make A Wish crew...Tony, Lori, Shelly and Diana. Miss Sophia got her cute on and once we convinced her to talk louder she sold 5 raffle tickets. I was so proud of her!!! She has to get past that 5 minutes of shyness with anyone new and to have to approach a whole bunch of new people...go Pia. I must say that she melted several hearts even if she didn't sell them a ticket. Pia would jump in front of people and Shelly would reel them in. We took off at about 5pm...at that time there were close to 1000 bikes in the parking lot with more arriving every moment.
The reception was a get to know you session and a briefing of what generally was going to happen for filming over the weekend. It was a crying and bonding session. Sophia met Alyssa, Joey's step-daughter, and they became instant BFFs. The guys also instantly bonded. We Moms bonded over our girls and husbands. It was just an incredible evening. While the guys were going to be busy filming and traveling all over, their women were going to be hanging out. So the girl posse was (Joey's family) April(wife) and Alyssa & Ashland, Sophia and I. It was so nice to have someone to hang with. We went to the Zoo on Saturday and talked about heading over to Bike Week but the guys were determined that their daughters were not to be brought to Bike Week...too many biker babes not wearing enough clothing and too many bikers guys looking scary. They had spent the morning there and gotten an eye full. This would be some of the reason why the biker community is not tapped into like it should be for fundraising purposes. There were sereval local charities at work out there and most had waiting lines. Bikers look scary and the babes might be scantily clad but they have big hearts and pocket books...the Wish Riders want to tap into that for Make A Wish.
The guys were all gone from 8am to 630pm Saturday. They stopped by the hotel to grab some food and overnight gear. They were on the road to the desert by 715pm and arrived at their destination about 11pm. They had to be in place for sunrise filming at 4am. The girls headed to the Arizona Science Museum Sunday and spent the day doing hands on experiments. Everyone got back to the hotel around 530pm. Edgar, Paul and Joey were all sun burned and exhausted. The whole Wish Rider gang went out for dinner that night. It was the first time they had all gotten to sit still in two days but it was well worth it. An amazing few days for everyone involved.
Everyone flew home on Monday afternoon. Paul to Michigan. Joey and family to Texas and us to California. As I said I will post more about the whole weekend and Edgar's Wish Rider experience in a later post. After a full day of work I just want to get Pia ready for bed and fall into it myself.
Much Love,
Roni
P.S. Sophia is heading to camp next weekend. She got in!!!! She is so excited about going.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
The Birthday Girl
Princess Pia is now 6! Wow, that year went by much too quickly. Yes, I know they are only going to get faster and while I can’t wait to see how much she will grow and mature this upcoming year, I don’t know if my heart will be able to stand it. She has matured so much this last year. This year you could truly see all the life’s lessons of the past two years come to light in her big brown eyes. While, at times, she can show all the impatience of a child she has the ability to process and understand information that most adults have problems with. It was 2 years ago on her birthday that Edgar, Natalia & I headed to UCSF for the first time to get a second opinion. We left her birthday party at my parents early to go…and left Pia with them. She was left with them several times while we went back and forth in the early days. She hates being left behind now for any reason. Sophia, at four, was already learning that she was not the center of the universe. That there are times in life where others MUST be placed before yourself. She learned how to be adaptable and make the best out of most situations. She learned that even in times of crisis you can still have fun. It is ALL in your attitude. I am not saying she didn’t have some melt downs while learning these things, heck, even Mama had meltdowns while learning them, but she developed her own sense of grace and dignity that shines through. She can handle any curve or bump in the road with a smile and a “let’s do it” attitude. She has inherited Natalia’s trait of sharing. Natalia must have passed this one on because Sophia wasn’t very good at it (unless you were her sister) before Natalia got sick.
She is as simple and complex as girl can be…she is Sophia Isabel Valle (Pia to her Family) and she ROCKS!!!
Much Love,
Roni
She is as simple and complex as girl can be…she is Sophia Isabel Valle (Pia to her Family) and she ROCKS!!!
Much Love,
Roni
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Things can change in a day
Yeah!!! I'm not the baby of the family anymore!
The Easter SophiaYep plans can change and excitement builds. I was holding off fundraising for Relay for Life until last Monday because it looked like we might not get to take part but then we got the news that yes we would be here in town that weekend. Awesome event, Relay, please stop by on April 17th at Jefferson Elementary and walk a lap for Natalia!!!
If you can remember back in June of last year, Edgar did an interview for the Speed channel show "American Thunder". They were here filming the Make A Wish Rumble to the Summit motorcycle event. If you can't, flip back to June 2009's postings and take a look. Wellll...back in early March the Central Valley Make a Wish asked Edgar if he would like to be considered for a new pilot show on ABC called "Wish Riders". The producer of "American Thunder", who has also produced several well known shows, was very interested in using him. The original premise of the show was for several "bikers" to ride into Arizona Bike Week (April 14-18) and help grant a Wish Kid their wish. All of these bikers have a Make a Wish story like ours. As we all know, things change and the powers that be decided that just one biker would be used...the awesome thing is...he is a Wish Kid survivor. Yep, he will get to show the world that not all Wish Kids are terminal. He will get to be a voice on how much wishes help you body and spirit from the Wish Kid point of view. How powerful of an impact is that going to be?!?!!!!
Back to our story...Edgar was told at the beginning of April about this change and we decided to get into the Relay groove. Monday I sent out all my fundraising info...Tuesday lunchtime Edgar gets a call from the national MAW thanking him for his desire to take part. Edgar was his usual eloquent self and thanked them for even considering him. As we are fond of saying, if we can raise even 1 more dollar for MAW, in any capacity, we will go the distance to make sure it happens. I guess he impressed them and they saw why Kirk, the producer, wanted to use him. Tuesday late afternoon...Kirk called Edgar and asked him to pack the family bags because they were flying the 3 of us down to Phoenix for Bike Week. They want to film Edgar riding into Arizona next to Frank(the founder of Make A Wish). How TOTALLY AWESOME is that!!!!!! We fly in early Friday so that Edgar can "be fitted" with a Harley. Our friends at the Central Valley Make A Wish are all heading down there Friday as well. Sophia and I are going to do our part by helping our local chapter sell raffle tickets for a custom Ron Simms motorcycle, and it is a sweet bike!!! Fresno will be well represented. NOTE: raffle tickets are $10 and the raffle will take place on October 2nd. Check out www.wishriders.org for more info on the show or you can become a fan on facebook.
Natalia's godmother, Marcy and her husband AJ...as well as Sophia's godmother Jeannine and her boys Brett & Conner are going to walk in our place for Relay. Even if they weren't, the money raised goes to a great cause. Yes, I know, childhood cancer does not get the attention it so needs and deserves from the ACS but if we can find the cure to even 1 type of cancer the rest are sure to follow. And every family fighting the beast of cancer needs support. Mom and Dad are coming to our house to watch the dogs and fish. I don't trust Coco on any one's carpet yet and she is still to young to board. Besides...we have a big lawn to mow, Dish Network and beer in the fridge...everything my father requires to be happy.
Much Love to you all,
Roni
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
We Walk For Natalia
9AM Saturday April 17th at Jefferson Elementary (corner of Shaw & Fowler)...RELAY FOR LIFE...Clovis
We walk for Natalia...we took a small part in this event last year and it was incredibly amazing. I was there in the morning and was an opening speaker, yes I actually spoke in public about Natalia without completely losing it. It was supposed to be Edgar but he didn't get home from work until 2 hours before opening ceremonies. We then went back after Sophia's play performance and spent several hours just walking the track. It gave us the feeling of physically being able to help fight cancer. Walking the track in the evening after the luminaria are lite is very moving experience. This year we are walking with TEAM ASHWOOD POWER. One of their team, Kim, is a mom to one of Natalia's friends. She got us involved last year by having Natalia's class design some of the luminaria and asking us to speak.
If you would like to help us by donating, please visit www.relayforlive.org/clovisca in the middle of the page on the right side will be a large purple 3 WAYS TO DONATE box click on it. Go to the bottom of the page, click on find participant and enter...Sophia Valle or Edgar Valle-Sandoval or Roni Curtis-Valle. That will take you to one of our pages where you can donate.
If you just want to come out and walk a lap or 2 for Natalia...it is going to be a blast with lots to do and see both for the adults and the kids. 9AM Saturday to 9AM Sunday, yes we are going to have at least 1 team member on the track for 24 hours. Sophia and I are going to camp there. Edgar is walking Saturday then going to work and coming back to Relay after his shift finishes.
We hope to see you there...Much Love...Roni
We walk for Natalia...we took a small part in this event last year and it was incredibly amazing. I was there in the morning and was an opening speaker, yes I actually spoke in public about Natalia without completely losing it. It was supposed to be Edgar but he didn't get home from work until 2 hours before opening ceremonies. We then went back after Sophia's play performance and spent several hours just walking the track. It gave us the feeling of physically being able to help fight cancer. Walking the track in the evening after the luminaria are lite is very moving experience. This year we are walking with TEAM ASHWOOD POWER. One of their team, Kim, is a mom to one of Natalia's friends. She got us involved last year by having Natalia's class design some of the luminaria and asking us to speak.
If you would like to help us by donating, please visit www.relayforlive.org/clovisca in the middle of the page on the right side will be a large purple 3 WAYS TO DONATE box click on it. Go to the bottom of the page, click on find participant and enter...Sophia Valle or Edgar Valle-Sandoval or Roni Curtis-Valle. That will take you to one of our pages where you can donate.
If you just want to come out and walk a lap or 2 for Natalia...it is going to be a blast with lots to do and see both for the adults and the kids. 9AM Saturday to 9AM Sunday, yes we are going to have at least 1 team member on the track for 24 hours. Sophia and I are going to camp there. Edgar is walking Saturday then going to work and coming back to Relay after his shift finishes.
We hope to see you there...Much Love...Roni
Friday, April 2, 2010
Camp...maybe
Yes, if she is accepted Sophia will be off to camp at the end of the month. It is a camp for kids whose siblings have died from cancer called Camp Hope. She would go on Friday and return on Sunday. It will be the first time she has ever been away from us that she hasn't stayed with family. The camp offers swimming, an adventure course and tons of fun for the 6-16 crowd. She is so excited about doing this...I just hope it lasts. She gets really excited about doing something new but then when it's time to take part she shuts down and completely does not want to do it. I think this stems from Natalia having to try everything first...only then was it ok for Pia to do. I sent off the paperwork this morning for it...so prayers please.
Much Love,
Roni
Much Love,
Roni
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
What to Say
Well, first off the anniversary. I intended to work through it and try my best not to really acknowledge it as a major date. The cold I picked up from everyone in my office and Sophia had other ideas. I spent Thursday afternoon and Friday aching with the head cold. Thank you to everyone who called or texted us on Friday. It meant a lot. I can not believe the year has passed without Natalia physically present with us. I feel her presence everyday I just can't touch her. That hurts bad but I was prepared for the feelings of loss on the 26Th so it wasn't like her birthday when I fell apart. Sophia and I watched High School Musical 3 that night(one of the last movies Natalia saw in the theater) while Edgar went to the Strikeforce event at the Savemert Center.
A huge thank you to everyone who came to our Housewarming on Saturday. It was so incredible to be able to share our blessings with you all. To give you all our heartfelt thanks for being there with us through our ups and downs of the last couple of years. We were finally able to have most all of you in one place and let you know how important you have been in our lives. Thank you for your support and warmth that helped us to survive and thrive despite the odds. It meant more to us then you can know, to be able to open our home and share. It was the balm for our souls during what might have been another time of grief. Natalia would have loved it...in fact she did!
Much Love,
Roni
A huge thank you to everyone who came to our Housewarming on Saturday. It was so incredible to be able to share our blessings with you all. To give you all our heartfelt thanks for being there with us through our ups and downs of the last couple of years. We were finally able to have most all of you in one place and let you know how important you have been in our lives. Thank you for your support and warmth that helped us to survive and thrive despite the odds. It meant more to us then you can know, to be able to open our home and share. It was the balm for our souls during what might have been another time of grief. Natalia would have loved it...in fact she did!
Much Love,
Roni
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Some Anniversaries Suck
March 26th is looming in the air. Friday will be the one year anniversary of losing Natalia. Thank you God that this one is SO FAR not hitting as bad as her birthday. Maybe it is because we had those weeks leading up to her death to resolve ourselves to it. Losing her hurt beyond belief but we were at peace about letting her go. It is much easier to face her death then it is her birth. I was prepared by fire for her death. I had eleven months to come to terms with the fact that my oldest baby was not meant for this Earth. She was meant to be with God and was just completing what she had been sent to this Earth to do. I still cry about it. I still have to take that moment and Breath Deep when I pull out some of her clothes out of the "next in line" (sounds better then hand me down) box. Right now that is what crushes me the most. Natalia was 5 when she wore these clothes and I can see her in them as plain as day when I hold them up. Memories come crashing down around me and Sophia finds me in her closet balling me eyes out. The good thing is that Pia knows that it is happy memories that are making me cry. Pia calls these clothes her "PUNK" clothes because Natalia always called her punk. The "PUNK" clothes make her happy because it shows her how much she has grown. That she is getting bigger bigger like sissy. The minute Sophia puts one of the pieces on it becomes hers. She just wears them so differently then Natalia did and it adds yet another happy memory to help ease the bad ones.
Puppy update...we've had Coco for 2 weeks now...she is already as tall as Redd and is sooooo Edgar's dog. When I say bed time Redd shots straight up to his bed...not Coco. She won't go to bed until Edgar does. She'll even come downstairs when he gets home at night for cuddle time. Redd just looks down the stairs to be sure it's him then goes right back to his bed. Our biggest problem right now...Edgar dug up the area for our patio yesterday...I'm sure you can guess the dogs favorite place to play. What was I doing when he was digging? I was shampooing our carpets!!!!! Needless to say there is a towel by the back door and BOTH dogs get wiped down from head to toe. Redd is also teaching Coco the art of home protection at which he exceeds. His bark is deep and mean sounding...she sounds like a squeek toy with serious game. His growl is vicious and frightening to behold...she sounds like a squeek toy, with teeth that can do serious damage poking out. I give her another month before she is taller then him but he will still have her beat in length and muscle. The great thing with the size of our yard is that Redd has become majorly fit and now, so will Coco.
Much Love,
Roni
Puppy update...we've had Coco for 2 weeks now...she is already as tall as Redd and is sooooo Edgar's dog. When I say bed time Redd shots straight up to his bed...not Coco. She won't go to bed until Edgar does. She'll even come downstairs when he gets home at night for cuddle time. Redd just looks down the stairs to be sure it's him then goes right back to his bed. Our biggest problem right now...Edgar dug up the area for our patio yesterday...I'm sure you can guess the dogs favorite place to play. What was I doing when he was digging? I was shampooing our carpets!!!!! Needless to say there is a towel by the back door and BOTH dogs get wiped down from head to toe. Redd is also teaching Coco the art of home protection at which he exceeds. His bark is deep and mean sounding...she sounds like a squeek toy with serious game. His growl is vicious and frightening to behold...she sounds like a squeek toy, with teeth that can do serious damage poking out. I give her another month before she is taller then him but he will still have her beat in length and muscle. The great thing with the size of our yard is that Redd has become majorly fit and now, so will Coco.
Much Love,
Roni
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Life Happens
Well, I am once again gainfully employed. I got an awesome job. Natalia was whispering in God's ear, helping make sure that this opportunity came about. I am the new Assistant Director of Career Services at Kaplan College-Fresno. I am extremely excited about this challenge. Our department assists students in finding employment after they finish their course study. We give them the tools they need to find jobs throughout their lives. I love it! A huge plus are the hours...can't beat 8-5 M-F. It is very important to have a set schedule when your husband has a rotating schedule. That way Sophia's life is not upset.
I do have a lot to say...I just can't figure out how to say it right now. And as I don't feel like crying overly much this evening it will have to wait. Pia is having a bad "Missing Sissy" night. Sophia doesn't get hit hard often with them but when they do massive tears fall and it just breaks your heart in millions of pieces. She is so happy 95% of the time that the sad times are intense.
Why Sophia is the balance in all this:
Papa "Sophia stop whining. There is nothing worse then you whining!"
Sophia "Yes, there is. I could be crying!"
Princess Pia..."I'm not a baby or kid. I'm a half adult."
Much Love,
Roni
I do have a lot to say...I just can't figure out how to say it right now. And as I don't feel like crying overly much this evening it will have to wait. Pia is having a bad "Missing Sissy" night. Sophia doesn't get hit hard often with them but when they do massive tears fall and it just breaks your heart in millions of pieces. She is so happy 95% of the time that the sad times are intense.
Why Sophia is the balance in all this:
Papa "Sophia stop whining. There is nothing worse then you whining!"
Sophia "Yes, there is. I could be crying!"
Princess Pia..."I'm not a baby or kid. I'm a half adult."
Much Love,
Roni
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Hibernation
Hibernating seems to be the best way to describe what I have been doing these past two months. Part of me is disappointed in myself for just hanging out in the house and not doing much outside of it. Not calling on friends and getting out and doing more to explore Fresno like I thought I would be doing during this time off. I know that I have isolated myself and don't know how to get out of the cocoon I have made around myself. The other part of me knows that I needed to do just that...take time out to curl up in a ball of pain and let it flow out. To be able to allow myself to let go of emotions without anyone around to show pity or sympathy. Either of those would cause me to suck the emotions back in only to choke on them later. When Natalia first got sick we made the decision that Edgar would be her main caregiver while I continued to work. We both took a short time off when she passed away and then went back into life at full speed. This time off has helped calm my emotional roller coaster. Yes, I still water up every day but now it something that a deep breath can usually handle. My lows aren't as low or as long and my highs don't feel forced.
The current storm of a "first"...It was a year ago that Edgar and I were in our kitchen in the wee hours of morning coming to a decision. We could see that the chemo was no longer working. Natalia was losing her battle with brain cancer. Her little body was beginning to fade and it was finally too much. It was time to stop the treatments. It was time to let her go. It was time to give her body the same dignity that her spirit had always inspired. Her smile and her thumbs up never left her but the pain was becoming too much for her body to endure. In a perfect world it is a decision that no parent should have to make...the decision to let your child die. God helped us to find the strength to make the decision then helped us stay strong throughout her final month and half. I have no guilt from this choice because it was the absolutely right thing to do for her. We loved her enough to let her go. She got to spend that time at home with her family and friends. She was NOT stuck in a hospital that she hated. She was not surrounded with grief. We could see her spirit getting closer to leave her body and while it hurt us it brought comfort to know she was spending more time in God's presence. But no matter what I still hate the phrase "actively dieing". It is the state that the body systems are shutting down but the spirit is still holding on. Natalia spent 2 days "actively dieing". Hibernation has helped because I honestly don't know how I would have coped with the "firsts" if I was more involved in the outside world. Hibernation has allowed me to feel things in the moment and not to have to suck it up and wait...usually heading for an emotional explosion.
However, I do believe I have had enough of hibernating. If you have any ideas on fun things to do or other interesting ideas, please let me know. Edgar has made sure I don't feel like a total loser by just hanging around the house. Yes, I do a lot to keep our lives running smoothly that I don't even realize I do most of the time. When I start to feel depressed he reminds me of all these things which makes me love him all the more. Then, of course, there is Sophia. She is the balance in all this. Yes, Edgar and I both say this a lot because she is simply Pia. Sophia is a force of nature and will always keep us on our toes. I have interviewed for a job that I would really, REALLY like to do. It appeals to me because it would be a new challenge every day and I do like to be challenged. Now I need to wait because of bump in the transfer road of the woman whose position I interviewed for. Hopefully things go well for her, then I will get my second interview to wow them. So please prayers!!!
Much Love,
Roni
Friday, February 5, 2010
Monterey Pics
"I'm here Sissy!!!! Come play with me!!!"
Natalia's Birthday
Pretty Pia
What can I say? He was having fun in the sand.
Natalia's Birthday
Monterey was incredible! We found some peace again. Thank you God and Natalia for providing awesome weather.
We discovered Olalieberry pie at Casa de Fruita on our way…OMG you all need to try this stuff. It is a hybrid berry and is incredible warmed up with ice cream. If you have never stopped at Casa de Fruita, please give it a try. It is the perfect rest stop on Hwy 152 between Los Banos and Gilroy. They have restaurants, shops, playground, merry go round, train and other fun things for the family to do. Edgar and Sophia rode the merry go round before we hit the final leg of our journey. I almost had major freak out moment when two little girls with the same haircuts as Pia & Talia at the same age (approx 2/3) stood in line for their turn on the merry go round. Sucked that one up quick…because Sophia is the balance in all this and with her laughing and dancing on the back of the horse I could hear her sister laughing at her as well.
The weather was perfect…well…not for kite flying…no wind at all. We all played in the played in the surf Saturday and ended up soaking wet. While the water wasn’t warm it wasn’t freezing either. We 3 had a blast chasing the waves in and out. Our room faced the ocean so we could really hear the surf and just looking out at the Bay helped sooth our souls. We walked around Cannery Row and Fisherman’s Wharf that night before having an awesome seafood dinner. Yes, these areas are tourist traps, but they are fun and we have always enjoyed them.
Sunday…Natalia’s birthday…the morning was hard, really hard. I couldn’t make up my mind about anything and I couldn’t stop crying. I missed her so bad it felt like my soul was being torn apart again. Like losing her all over again. I kept seeing birthdays past...OMG labor and delivery. I felt like I was going out of my mind and nothing seemed to be helping. I think Edgar and I were torn between popping each other and grabbing on and holding tight. Finally we went upstairs to the hotel restaurant and had a wonderful breakfast. Calm came over me and so did the plan for our day. We started off at the Aquarium…the new sea horse exhibit is amazing. We spent a lot of time at the Open Sea tank. For those of you who have never been to the Monterey Bay Aquarium, the Open Sea tank is incredible. Six foot long tuna swim with sharks, sting rays, sea turtles, sun fish, schools of mackerel and barracudas. All while you stand in front of this immense wall of water and new age music plays in the back round. You will never think of a can of tuna the same way again. We walked around Cannery Row again and Pia had her face painted. Then off to Pino’s for gelato…one of our favorite places. It is on the promenade just up from Fisherman’s Wharf. Did I mention the weather was incredible? Then back to the hotel so we could play on the beach. My Mom brought rose petals to throw into the ocean for Natalia. This time I put Pia in her swim suit and off into to ocean we went. We threw the petals into the surf while we all played in the waves. Edgar tried valiantly to fly the kite but there was no breeze at all, just beautiful sunshine. Have I mentioned that it was SUPPOSED to be in the high 40’s with 80% chance of showers? We wanted to have dinner at the Fishman’s Wife in Seaside but it was closed, funny thing is that we passed Natalia’s favorite Chinese restaurant on the way…Edgar and I grinned at each, yes Natalia would prefer Chinese for her birthday dinner. The Happy Dragon has great, inexpensive food. The highlight of the trip that still has me chuckling…picture my husband who can bench press 385lbs, has biceps the size of my thighs(and I am not a small woman) and is a physically imposing man. Our waitress (might weigh 105lbs soaking wet) begins to remove the plates from our table, looks at Edgar’s plate and tells him, in a stern voice, to finish his broccoli before she will take his plate…and he did. We were all cracking up about it. It was a wonderful day! Just what Natalia ordered up for her family. Because you know what, Natalia would have told him to finish the broccoli too.
It is still hard. I dream with almost perfect clarity days gone by with Natalia and then wake to find her not there and can’t get back to sleep. I keep trying to finish putting together our front bedroom where we just put all the “what I am going to do with this” boxes. Well in most of them are memories. With Sophia most, if not all, of her pictures are on computer. With Natalia, all of her pictures until she was 2 are all hard copy. So with every box are pictures of my beautiful, laughing baby girl followed close by Mama having an emotional meltdown. But I found a picture yesterday that just calmed me in the middle of the storm. I don’t even know what about the picture stopped the meltdown. Natalia was about 1 ½ old in a blue sweater showing off her top and bottom teeth with that sparkle in her eyes. I just wished I had found it before the major headache that comes with the crying jags hit but…The picture just seemed to say to me “what are you doing Mama?” I woke up this morning feeling much better.
One day at a time…each moment a miracle.
Much Love,
Roni
We discovered Olalieberry pie at Casa de Fruita on our way…OMG you all need to try this stuff. It is a hybrid berry and is incredible warmed up with ice cream. If you have never stopped at Casa de Fruita, please give it a try. It is the perfect rest stop on Hwy 152 between Los Banos and Gilroy. They have restaurants, shops, playground, merry go round, train and other fun things for the family to do. Edgar and Sophia rode the merry go round before we hit the final leg of our journey. I almost had major freak out moment when two little girls with the same haircuts as Pia & Talia at the same age (approx 2/3) stood in line for their turn on the merry go round. Sucked that one up quick…because Sophia is the balance in all this and with her laughing and dancing on the back of the horse I could hear her sister laughing at her as well.
The weather was perfect…well…not for kite flying…no wind at all. We all played in the played in the surf Saturday and ended up soaking wet. While the water wasn’t warm it wasn’t freezing either. We 3 had a blast chasing the waves in and out. Our room faced the ocean so we could really hear the surf and just looking out at the Bay helped sooth our souls. We walked around Cannery Row and Fisherman’s Wharf that night before having an awesome seafood dinner. Yes, these areas are tourist traps, but they are fun and we have always enjoyed them.
Sunday…Natalia’s birthday…the morning was hard, really hard. I couldn’t make up my mind about anything and I couldn’t stop crying. I missed her so bad it felt like my soul was being torn apart again. Like losing her all over again. I kept seeing birthdays past...OMG labor and delivery. I felt like I was going out of my mind and nothing seemed to be helping. I think Edgar and I were torn between popping each other and grabbing on and holding tight. Finally we went upstairs to the hotel restaurant and had a wonderful breakfast. Calm came over me and so did the plan for our day. We started off at the Aquarium…the new sea horse exhibit is amazing. We spent a lot of time at the Open Sea tank. For those of you who have never been to the Monterey Bay Aquarium, the Open Sea tank is incredible. Six foot long tuna swim with sharks, sting rays, sea turtles, sun fish, schools of mackerel and barracudas. All while you stand in front of this immense wall of water and new age music plays in the back round. You will never think of a can of tuna the same way again. We walked around Cannery Row again and Pia had her face painted. Then off to Pino’s for gelato…one of our favorite places. It is on the promenade just up from Fisherman’s Wharf. Did I mention the weather was incredible? Then back to the hotel so we could play on the beach. My Mom brought rose petals to throw into the ocean for Natalia. This time I put Pia in her swim suit and off into to ocean we went. We threw the petals into the surf while we all played in the waves. Edgar tried valiantly to fly the kite but there was no breeze at all, just beautiful sunshine. Have I mentioned that it was SUPPOSED to be in the high 40’s with 80% chance of showers? We wanted to have dinner at the Fishman’s Wife in Seaside but it was closed, funny thing is that we passed Natalia’s favorite Chinese restaurant on the way…Edgar and I grinned at each, yes Natalia would prefer Chinese for her birthday dinner. The Happy Dragon has great, inexpensive food. The highlight of the trip that still has me chuckling…picture my husband who can bench press 385lbs, has biceps the size of my thighs(and I am not a small woman) and is a physically imposing man. Our waitress (might weigh 105lbs soaking wet) begins to remove the plates from our table, looks at Edgar’s plate and tells him, in a stern voice, to finish his broccoli before she will take his plate…and he did. We were all cracking up about it. It was a wonderful day! Just what Natalia ordered up for her family. Because you know what, Natalia would have told him to finish the broccoli too.
It is still hard. I dream with almost perfect clarity days gone by with Natalia and then wake to find her not there and can’t get back to sleep. I keep trying to finish putting together our front bedroom where we just put all the “what I am going to do with this” boxes. Well in most of them are memories. With Sophia most, if not all, of her pictures are on computer. With Natalia, all of her pictures until she was 2 are all hard copy. So with every box are pictures of my beautiful, laughing baby girl followed close by Mama having an emotional meltdown. But I found a picture yesterday that just calmed me in the middle of the storm. I don’t even know what about the picture stopped the meltdown. Natalia was about 1 ½ old in a blue sweater showing off her top and bottom teeth with that sparkle in her eyes. I just wished I had found it before the major headache that comes with the crying jags hit but…The picture just seemed to say to me “what are you doing Mama?” I woke up this morning feeling much better.
One day at a time…each moment a miracle.
Much Love,
Roni
Saturday, January 23, 2010
What a week
Monday I was feeling optimistic...Tuesday my world seemed to crash and burn. I could not get out of the fog of missing Natalia. It was so bad that Edgar was going to call in sick to stay with me on Wednesday. It didn't really start knocking me around until lunchtime and then I seemed to be assaulted on all sides. I partly blame the fact that it was time to start putting together the front bedroom...that is where we were storing untouched boxes...which contained a lot of Natalia's things. I found the videos and pictures of all of us with the dolphins at Xecrete. I was totally surprised Edgar could see his way to the door to go to work. We were both ready to be wrung out and hung up to dry. When I went to pick up Pia from daycare she was in almost as bad of shape. Her teachers said that she had been quiet all afternoon and then had a fight with her friends...guess it was all of our day. So Pia and I did what girls do when they are sad, we walked the mall and sniffed our way through Bath and Body. We cuddled up in bed and watched a movie. I kept her home on Wednesday because she hadn't slept well and because I needed her smile. By lunchtime we were all much better and Edgar went off to work while Pia and I watched more movies.
Today we are off to Monterey with my parents to celebrate Natalia's birthday. We all got ocean view rooms so we can watch the ocean as much as possible. I feel better now that the time is here. My spirit is lifting a little. It will help even more when I can see Sophia's joy at flying kites on the beach and hear Natalia's belly laugh with every roll of the surf.
If you see me out and about...I added the dolphin pictures to my phone. They are incredible creatures to behold. I don't cry when I see them, I just laugh at the joy on my daughters' faces. Thank you sooo much Make A Wish for giving us those memories.
Much love,
Roni
Monday, January 18, 2010
Where my head is...or isn't
I have a feeling this new year will be a good one...but God January sucks! Looming ahead is January 24th...and I cry uncontrollably at the thought. Natalia's birthday...she would be 8. Last month we had the move to our house and so much to get done that there was little time to think about Christmas without Natalia until it was actually Christmas day. This month there is nothing, not even a job, to interfere with the missing part of me. I find myself wandering the marker/crayon aisle of stores, all types of stores, because Natalia loved getting the hottest new marker set on the market. I know they think I'm psycho standing there crying because she not here to buy them for anymore. I try to explain the waves of feelings to people and you can see the "please get me out of here" look on their faces. It is the unimaginable feeling that no parent even wants to contemplate let alone have put right in front of their faces. The thing is as much as it hurts...I get it. Before Natalia got sick, the last thing I would even want to think about was either of my children being seriously ill and especially not one of their deaths. So you suck it back in and save it for home where you can let out all the torment your soul is going through with the only other people that fully understand because Natalia is missing from them as well. Sophia's is truly brought home to me every time I look up the street and see a family with 4 kids all playing together. The person Sophia was closest to in the world is gone. Her constant companion and playmate is no longer at her side and as much as I try I fall short because I am not her sissy. To see the hurt on her little face makes the missing that much harder.
We are going to Monterrey for Natalia's birthday. We are going for the weekend and I can not wait to look over the ocean and see where we set my baby's ashes free. Hopefully the storms will have passed by then. It is monarch butterfly season and there are usually thousands resting in Pacific Grove. I feel the need to see them. I am hoping the ocean breezes will push some of the cobwebs away from my mind. Funny thing with Monterrey...we started taking Natalia to the aquarium before she was a year old. It has always been our vacation/getaway destination of choice. We took her back to see it just before she died. A fundraiser for the Monterrey Bay Aquarium called the other night when we were missing Natalia something fierce...suddenly we found the perfect gift to her for her birthday...to help the place she loved to visit...Natalia works in mysterious ways sometimes. It helped tremendously to give them back for the joy they brought to Natalia.
I leave off with this...because I have to go to the dentist in a few minutes...and need to finish this post. I don't want you all to think I am sad all the time because I am not. The main thing I learned while Natalia was ill is that every moment is a miracle if you just open your eyes. Yes there are times when nothing seems to going your way but that is the time when you need to open yourself up the most and see small miracles because then the biggest tragedies don't look as huge.
Much love,
Roni
We are going to Monterrey for Natalia's birthday. We are going for the weekend and I can not wait to look over the ocean and see where we set my baby's ashes free. Hopefully the storms will have passed by then. It is monarch butterfly season and there are usually thousands resting in Pacific Grove. I feel the need to see them. I am hoping the ocean breezes will push some of the cobwebs away from my mind. Funny thing with Monterrey...we started taking Natalia to the aquarium before she was a year old. It has always been our vacation/getaway destination of choice. We took her back to see it just before she died. A fundraiser for the Monterrey Bay Aquarium called the other night when we were missing Natalia something fierce...suddenly we found the perfect gift to her for her birthday...to help the place she loved to visit...Natalia works in mysterious ways sometimes. It helped tremendously to give them back for the joy they brought to Natalia.
I leave off with this...because I have to go to the dentist in a few minutes...and need to finish this post. I don't want you all to think I am sad all the time because I am not. The main thing I learned while Natalia was ill is that every moment is a miracle if you just open your eyes. Yes there are times when nothing seems to going your way but that is the time when you need to open yourself up the most and see small miracles because then the biggest tragedies don't look as huge.
Much love,
Roni
Friday, January 8, 2010
New Pics
OoooHHH YEAH!
How high do you think you can bounce?
Just got the keys to our new home...do you see Natalia by the second rainbow?
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