These Days

As we enter the final day of 2009, we take the time to reflect on the highs and lows of the past year. Reflection is good...but you can not let the past hold you down like an anchor around your neck. There are always bright moments no matter how dark it might have seen at the time. My brightest moment...in the darkest time...feeling Natalia's soul leave her little body and fly out the window and straight up to God's waiting arms. To know that she was free of pain and able to fly high after all she had been through...priceless.

Well, we made it through Christmas. Thank you God, for this incredible house. I truly believe that having to move mid-December saved our sanity. It kept us so busy that we didn't think too much about Christmas fast approaching. There were just too many other things that we needed to get done. We spent Christmas Eve at my parent's house with all my family. It was fun to watch Preston and Pia open their presents. We put on our bright happy faces but without Natalia there it just felt incomplete. I had made the decision to stay home Christmas Day about a week before. I knew, or thought I knew, what I was going to be like...not pretty to be around. We ended up inviting friends over to have dinner with us...probably our best decision. Christmas morning found Edgar and I snapping at each other. It's what we do when the pain gets too much. We got over it pretty quick, it was just so hard to see just one child's presents under the tree...Santa took a letter from Sophia to her sister and brought her a present from Natalia. According to Sophia the best present was her trampoline...ok so Mama & Papa love it too. That afternoon, Marcy & AJ, Jeannine & Ryan and their boys Brett & Conner helped us officially open the house. It was an awesome dinner filed with love and laughter. Truly the best medicine!!!

I wish you all the brightest of New Year.

"It's all in your heart. You have to be strong in your heart."-Natalia Valle

Much Love,
Roni

I Had to Post This

"Natalia's elegy"...
Natalia Joy Valle
The sister i wasn't given
But we will be siblings always!
She looked up to me
I looked over her
A relationship never broken!
I cannot express enough
The heart that little girl had!
Now that she has passed
She may swim with the fishes
And fly with the butterflies
Her two favorite things!
But the tumor that had taken her away
Couldn't take everything!
It was like an angry beast
Destroying everything in its wake
Except her spirit!
She smiled through it all
Even when everyone else was struggling
She was steady!
Oh the hatred i can so feel toward the monstrosity
Oh the pain she felt that brave little girl
If the sun shall set,
I will ALWAYS know
That my little angel sister will resurrect it once again!
I love you Natalia

By Brett Luckey

One of Those Days!

Yup...alone, at work, in the complete embrace of the fog. It has already been one of those schizophrenic mornings. Crying one moment, smiling the next. Probably better that my co-worker called in sick(yeah right). Sophia's kindergarten class is having their Christmas party today. At least this move has put the holiday at the back of my mind. If I start to think about it I go sideways. We do plan to buy a real tree this year as soon as we can get all the boxes out of the living room. It just hurts to think about it. As for sending out Christmas cards...not this year...to hard to sign them. Having to sign all of our names over and over...So here it is "Merry Christmas and Happy New to you all!!!!"

Well everything is at the new house. Now we get to put it all away...actually discover things we forgot we had. Let's hear it for Lowes...Home Depot mucked us around for over two weeks before they said they could not do all of our blinds...Lowes not only told us they could do all the windows but the blinds were delivered to our house YESTERDAY...six days after ordering. Now we are just waiting for them to be installed. Then we need to figure where all our pictures are going to go. We had talked about doing a housewarming/Christmas party. Ha! It took us 3 days to find our cutting board. So the housewarming will probably be after the New Year.

We've decided that I am going to take a bit of time off after my last day of work...tomorrow. It will not only be good for my mental health but Pia needs some Momma time. I will get the house completely (at least for the moment) the way I want it. I think that is why I feel relaxed coming to the end of my job. I have spent the past 7 years here and while I seriously dislike the reason I have to leave...I am going on my terms and can take the time to find something I want to do for the next chapter of my life. Life is over too quickly to let the things you can not control take over. Take the hit, then breathe deep and do what is best for you and yours. Make decisions with as clear a head as possible. Breathe Deep and do not be afraid to ask for help when you need it. So when I am ready to work again...I will be asking!

This blog has seriously helped me to keep my sanity over the past year and half. To know that while I do not know if people keep reading it, someone who needs it will stumble across it while searching the web for any kind of comfort during the cancer storm. I stumbled across another mother's blog this time last year. Her child had the same type of brain cancer that Natalia did. He also lost his battle. Her written words of the highs and lows of life helped me in ways I can not express. Her pain was to great to keep writing but Shannon if you read this know how much you helped me through. To know that you are not alone in your feelings. To know that what you are feeling is not wrong. To know that the is no problem out there that has not been faced time and again but that how you deal with those problems is what make each of us different. These blogs/journals help us all to look at life just a little bit differently.

Much Love,
Roni

Big News

Well, this has been in the works for a few but because of certain issues involved and the fact that it is just a royal pain in the behind we have not wanted to talk openly about it.

WE BOUGHT A HOUSE...OUR FIRST!!!!

We have been looking since June and found our new home on the last day of September...got keys the night before Thanksgiving and will be moved in by December 15th. We had bids on a couple of other houses but when we saw this one it was just our home. It feels right! Our original plan was to buy the house and then lease it out for a year while we saved more money...my job as a resident manager of an apartment complex comes with an apartment...BUT...we have chosen to move into the house...which...means I am out of a job. You can not be a resident manager if you are not a resident. We have learned over the past year not to put off being happy. We would not be happy if we allowed someone else to live in our home.

Soooo, if anyone knows off a good place that is hiring, please let me know. LOL!

Sophia has her room all picked out. It is the smallest of the bedrooms but it has a huge window that is low enough for her to look out of and a huge walk-in closet. The neighborhood is small and everyone knows each other. It is kind of small town feel in our big city. We have met quiet a few of our neighbors and love the house even more now. I will post pictures soon I promise!

Much Love,
Roni

Happy Thanksgiving

There I said it!!! I've had to say it a lot these last few days to residents, coworkers and people on the street. It seems to get easier to say every time. It also makes me remember how much I have to be thankful for. I have an incredible husband who supports me no matter what. He is my rock in the storm that life can sometimes be. He is my best friend that I can tell anything to...well there are the female things that he has real desire to know. But you all get the picture. I have an incredible daughter on earth that brings such joy and such frustration. She is the balance in this crazy life. I have a beautiful daughter in heaven, that while I miss with every fiber of my being, brings joy that I was able to be her mother on earth for 7 wonderful years. I have family and friends that have gone this past year with us and helped us stand firm and grow tremendously as people. So while I am sad that Natalia won't physically be with us I am thankful this year and I will happily tell everyone I meet...HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

I finally found an answer that I like to the question "how many children do you have?". Most people do not give a thought to this one. It is just ordinary chit chat and getting to know you question. For someone who has lost a child it is one of the hardest questions to be asked...I have been saying 2 and if I don't say one has died then people wonder where Natalia is all the time. If I say she died from a brain tumor in March(yes my usual answer) it stops people and conversations cold. My new answer is "one on Earth and one in Heaven". I said it to one of Sophia's friends mom the other day and it felt right.

Funny tidbit...Sophia and Christmas...we're back to the same dilemma as last year. She wants everything she sees on TV...for her birthday! Since Edgar and I are currently living with "Sporty Spice"...she sings, she dances and she wants to play every sport out there. I think we are going to aim for keep her physically active Christmas pressies. Not to mention, they would help tire her out enough for Momma and Papa to keep up with her.

Coming up...Make A Wish Stories of Light...December 1st-18th. Help grant a child's wish by donating during this time and raise the stars to the top of the Palm Buffs tower.

Much Love,
Roni

Life Sometimes Sucks!

It's a bad day for me. My control is not to steady and I seem to break at the slightest thought. What brought this on you might ask? The rain, a cold, more insights...nope, a simple question from Sophia. "How many days until Thanksgiving?" Natalia would ask this over and over again 20 to 30 times a day until I thought I would go mad from hearing it so much. It wasn't until a couple of months ago that I began to realize that she was doing her own countdown. "How many days until Thanksgiving? How many days until Christmas?(once again thank you to Marcy and AJ for the countdown to Christmas Snoopy)How many days until my birthday?(January 24th) And then the countdowns stopped and she quickly deteriorated. So, I think she was using the countdowns as a way to measure how long she had to hang on. And then her little body just gave out on her.

I keep hearing her voice in my head today and shatter. All I want to do is bury my head in my pillow and forget about the rest of the world. Of course, that is not an option. So here I am writing and hoping that will take some of the edge off. How else will I get through this holiday season? I can't curl up and hide from the world, how the heck would I explain that to Pia? Life will go on...as trite and as much as it sucks sometimes...it goes on. We need to grow and learn and go forward, not stop or even, God forbid, go backwards. This holiday season will be about learning how to deal with the constant pain of Natalia not being here. It is definately constant, it is just that a lot of the time the pain is in the backround only sinking its teeth in during "shower time". But today its is wearing red, jumping up and down and shouting ooy, ooy ooy! I fully understand why some parents who have lost a child either ingore or go away during the holidays. To be reminded of old traditions tears at your heart. We have a 5 year old that would be totally against this kind of plan. And I don't blame her and, more importantly, I don't want that for her. So we will go on...but please understand if I am sometimes slow to answer you...I'm breathing deep and doing my best to put a smile on my face by remembering how much Natalia loved the holidays.

Much Love,
Roni

Breathe Deep

“Breathe Deep” is something I say a lot to people now. It has become my mantra when things seem to be spinning out of control. When you are filled with fear, doubt, and pain or anger that is the time to breathe deep. Take that moment to just inhale slowly in through your nose and exhale slowly from your mouth. It seems so simple, but it’s not. We often forget to take that moment and end up running in circles. Take that moment when your mind will not settle down, breathe deep and find your center….that is usually the moment that I once again realize that I am not in control of life, God is. It lightens the load and allows me to focus once again. To come to the realization that no matter how much you do, you are not fully in control of your life helps to bring peace to that life. For me that “simple” act of breathing deep, finding my calm in the storm and asking God’s help restores me. That “simple” act helps me to find the answers I need. I don’t always like the answers but there they are.

The right answer may not contain the outcome you want. To stop Natalia’s treatment was the right answer. It was awful and unwanted but it was the right thing to do. For us to say to her at the end of her life that it was ok to let go and be with God hurt with every fiber of our being shouting NONONONONONO but it was the right thing to do. Everything else we do in life now seems a bit easier because we did what was right even though it was the last thing on earth that we wanted to do. Right now we are making decisions that seem hard but releasing control into God’s hands and asking for guidance not only brings peace but total confidence in the chosen path.

So everyone, just breathe deep.

Much love,
Roni

Time

This week's thought is time...when you're a child each moment is slow and each day seems like it lasts forever. As you grow older, time speeds up until it slips through your fingers like grains of sand. It is like weaving, when you first begin it is very slow going and you fumble. As time passes you become more experienced and your fingers fly. Each moment in time is a different thread and you begin to realize that life is fleeting and some threads of time will need to last you a lifetime. I think a lot in moments these days. I remember in vivid detail expressions, words, laughs and tears. There are times when I feel that is all there is. But those moments are part of a whole...a whole person...a whole lifetime. The best part of that lifetime would be left out if just moments of it are remembered. They must be put together so that the tapestry of life can be enjoyed to its fullest. God looks at the whole not the moment. He sees the good, the bad and the ugly. He understands the mixed up cluster that humans are and weaves the threads of our life together. Do not let just one moment in time ruin what could be an amazing life of experience as a whole. You may hear "it is time to move on" or "just get over it" but that does not exist. These people and moments are threaded into our entire being. They are part of our tapestry and can not be moved. They need to be enjoyed as part of our whole. The pain will never truly go away but become less focused as its thread gets dispersed throughout the entire tapestry of our lifetime.

See what a nasty cold, Sophia losing her first tooth and me thinking too much leads to. Yes, I brought home the flu from vacation....lovely present to myself. I finally gave into its nastiness on Friday and stayed home. I ached and no rest all week kind of sent me reeling by weeks end. I am sure most you have this bugger by now but, if not, watch out it is awful. When I feel sick is usually when I remember all the bad moments with Natalia...ie the bad MRI's and the final few days. No one likes seeing their child in pain, especially extreme pain that you can not make "all better". These memories, for a time, blot out all the happy memories. Just because she was sick does not mean that our time together were not happy times. We made the most of our time because we knew it was to be short. We packed as many smiles as we could into several short months because we knew would have to live off those smiles for the rest of our lives. When you are at a low point, that is when other low points all seem to gather together and make everything seem worse. My choice...put it before God and ask for help...what was his response...Sophia lost her tooth...Seeing her joy that she was growing up made me remember Natalia's joy for the same reason. It made me remember all the full of life and joy toothless grins and belly laughs of my oldest child. God helped me to remember that although it was a short life, Natalia had a wonderful life, with wonderful people who loved her. I once again can pull back from that single moment and see the whole...and it is BEAUTIFUL!

Okay, done with being deep. Sophia wants me to check out her "clean" room...ie she moved all the mess to under her bed. On a lighter note before I go, Pia played in her first soccer game yesterday. It was so awesome to see her having fun. I screamed, I cheered, I laughed my BUTT off. The 'Lil Monsters kicked serious butt. My youngest can run and is very good at taking the ball from the other team...if she learns some more ball control she will be amazing...well I already think she is amazing but that is the Mom in me. Hey...I can actually say I am a soccer mom now.

I am just getting our laptop back up and running so as soon as I am comfortable with it I will add some new pictures.

Much Love,
Roni

Family Vacation

The much needed vacation was awesome!!!

We all got up on time Friday morning and actually left the house on time. We dropped off Redd at my parents. He was to have his vacation by having an actual yard to play in for 4 days. We then went to Enterprise to pick up the car we were renting...Edgar wanted a completely stress free vacation and leaving our car in a strange parking lot for 4 days was not in those plans...the funny thing is that we were supposed to be renting a large 4 door sadan but because it was not turned back into the lot on time we ended up with a Tahoe for the same price(I drive a Yukon), so, we basically drove the same car to Long Beach. LOL!

Embarcation was strange for Edgar and I. We are sooo used to seeing it from the other side. To be standing on deck on a ship again was an amazingly, wonderful feeling. Sophia was blown away by the sheer size of the ship. Yes, we admit it Edgar and I are cruising snobs. We spent most of the first afternoon comparing Carnival to Princess and yes, Carnival came up short. To say they are very relaxed in the way they do things is putting mild. We are very used to spit & polish and a very strict way of looking and acting. Dinner that first night changed things a bit for us. The food was excellent and our waiters were wonderful. Of course, our hot button is Sophia, or as they called her "Princess Sophia". She had so much fun and we walked a lot of stairs because she loves to go up and down them. They had Carnival Campus for the little ones and she always had one activity or other going on...Bubble Dancing anyone!!! She also loved the production shows. The last night we had to sit in the very front row so she could see them up close and personal. Edgar was happy because they had a cigar bar onboard and I got my "Aroma Stone" massage. We came away from the cruise with our batteries recharged.

Much Love,
Roni

Natalia's Playground

Principal Lozano called me Wednesday afternoon to say they should be finished with the marker and planter by Friday...he called me a few hours later to tell they had finished it. Natalia's Playground is now a reality. The kindergarten playground at Weldon is now dedicated in her memory. What a glorious way to remember her! Edgar and I rushed over to see it as soon as he woke up. It was good to have our moment to cry so that when we showed it to Sophia Thursday morning we could put on the happy faces. Of course, all 3 of us had a brief cry. I will keep everyone posted because we want to do a get together/dedication sometime in the next few weeks.

What Weldon means to us...when I was showing new pics of the marker to family members one of them asked me "why would they do that? She wasn't there for very long." My first thought was WTH!!!! Followed by some bruised feelings. A few hours later I was walking around Walmart when one of Natalia's friends Mom called..."I heard a rumor that the marker was done." Someone else "got it". I had to hang up quickly to have a cry. I vented the next day with my Mom and she had to explain to me that other schools would probably not be this way...so I need to explain the wonder of Weldon. Not long after Natalia was diagnosed the PTC(parent teacher club) gave Natalia road trip stuff: a Warrior blanket, t-shirts, water bottles, duffle bag and tons of goodies. Her kindergarten teacher would call to check on her as would the principal. In May 2008, Principal Lozano came to us to ask if it would be ok for the school to sell "Natalia's Friends" bracelets to show their support and to help raise money for Natalia. Everywhere we turned in the city people had on bright green bracelets. It was like getting hugged with every spotting. We became friends with everyone in the office as they called to check on Talia. This carried on throughout the remainder of the school year and the summer. Natalia was able to start first grade and it was made into the most wonderful experience we could ask for. When she could no longer go to the school itself, the school came to us. Her 1st grade teacher came to our house with her lessons, Principal Lozano came and read to her and Vice-Principal Armstrong came and sang with her. The parents of her friends all stayed in touch and made playdates while she was able. They continuely stress that Weldon is one big family and live up to it in the fullest way possible. I am truely honored that my children are, and will forever be, Weldon Warriors.

Much love,
Roni

As Promised...The Glorious Miss Sophia

What can I say? She is amazing beyond words. One moment a sweet beautiful little girl...the next..."show me your hands, stop restisting" Got to love her. She is simply Pia!

Sorry All

Ok Ok OK!!!!! I have not updated lately. Funny things is...I have a lot to say I just can't say a lot of it. Edgar came home this morning from a bake sale and told me that several people asked when I was going to update the blog...a few hours later someone I work with asked me the same thing. Our main laptop has a black screen, as does our desktop...help big brother! I will be calling later! Thank goodness I have my netbook.

I will post pictures separately of Miss Pia...on picture day at school she was trying out for America's Next Top Model. If anyone needs a spokes model, I have your girl. She is still loving school and FINALLY knows the names of her friends...rather then calling them just "friend". She spent this past weekend down with a fever. Baby girl slept until almost 11am on Sunday morning. When she finally woke up, the fever was gone and she said she felt awesome. She will start soccer practice next Monday. They finally found a coach for the under 6 kids. YEAH! I can not wait to start having fun at practices and games.

SSSSHHHHH!!! Don't tell Sophia...we are taking a mini vacation soon. We are going on a 3 day cruise out of San Pedro leaving on October 2nd. We are going to show Pia what Mama and Papa used to do for a living. We plan to do nothing but chill on the ship and recharge our batteries. I think both Edgar and I are running on low as far as emotional strength. It is so much harder to walk onto that school campus everyday then we ever imagined. I see Natalia everywhere. I hear her laugh and feel her joy. Some days that brings peace...other days well...After Natalia passed we both felt it was best to get back into the groove of our lives. How else would we know if we were capable? So straight back to work and into life. Now we are just tired and need the break. Are we still doing good? Definitely...do I still cry a lot...of course...will that ever change...maybe not but I am ok with that.

Watch out words of maybe some wisdom....Death seriously sucks for those of us left behind. We think too much and agonize over the loss. We are left to think about things we could have said or done differently. In fact, at times, we torture ourselves by doing just that. We need to quickly snap ourselves out of this mindset before bitterness and sorrow take over our lives. The loss of a parent is the loss of the main anchor in our lives. Our parents have been there since our very beginnings. They are the people we look to for that final stamp of approval on our lives. When they are gone...what do we do now? Our parents reflect our past and everything we come from. The loss of a sibling or close friend brings our own mortality to light. If it could happen to them, why not me? They are our present, our stable sail in the high seas of life. The loss of a child reflects our futures. Our hopes and dreams are wrapped around our children. Every good parent wishes for a better future for our children. When they are gone our future is not as bright. Where before you looked far into the future and saw them in college/getting married/having their own kids...the present and the next moment take on more meaning.

I guess that's it for now...I have a headache and Pia wants me to come to bed...Good night and God Bless.

Much Love to you all,
Roni

Time and the flu

My new Weldon Warrior loves her school. She loves to be a Kindergartner. She loves to be on the "big kid" side of her daycare. Actually, what do I call it now? It's not pre-school and to call it daycare sounds very baby"ish" for my big girl. She was so scared to be on that dark side but...OMG they have an air hockey table, big pool, bigger tables and REAL big kids. Pia is a very happy camper.

The first week of school. WOW! We survived...Sophia thrived!

I have spent the majority of the week fighting stomache flu. I thought it was just the sushi we had as a celebratory 1st day of school dinner. Yes, I know most of you are saying the raw fish but...when I finally ate a full meal again on Wednesday it hit me again that night. I spent Thursday at home trying to recover. Friday I was feeling a little better. I am still trying to get rid of the headache that came with losing tons of water and the still occasional cramping. I dropped Pia off at school and dropped by the office to try and learn just what is going on with the Weldon PTC this year...got some answers but will learn more on Monday...will let those of you who want to know more after that. As I was leaving campus, Natalia's kindergarten teacher, Mrs. Yager gave me an envelop with some things in it. Let me first say they were beyond amazing but they really knocked me for a loop. This week has been extremely difficult to keep sad thoughts from clouding Sophia's achievements. Natalia loved going to school so much. I loved around everytime I visit the campus and can picture her there, loving every minute of it. Maybe the pictures of Natalia running in the Jog-a-thon and an American flag with her picture on it wouldn't have sent me around the bend if I was feeling 100% healthy but I wasn't. It took until mid-afternoon before I could stop the tears from instantly coming. I mean there she was healthy, happy and RUNNING. With her giant smile on her face. I could hear her laughing, those wonderful belly laughs of hers, and it alternated between bringing great joy and great heartbreak. And I would cry with both emotions...a lot. It was almost breaking me apart. I haven't had a moment like that since just after she passed. But...a little more sleep and focus...I was better by the time I had to pick up Pia.

I think we will always have moments like this that hit like a surprise storm. They blow up fast and clear out lots of cobwebs. They can bring pain and suffering but they also can bring a new focus and wash away some of the heartache. I think we hold so much of our emotions in because we don't want to break apart...we can't afford the cost of closing ourselves off from the world even when it is what we most want to do. It would do more damage, not only to ourselves, but, to those closest to us. Take that moment and embrace it...it can help keep you sane...then move forward.

Much love,
Roni

"The Best Day Of My Life"

Those were Sophia's words to describe her first day of kindergarten. She is now on day 3 and still loving it...just not the getting up a half hour earlier then normal. Today we signed her up for soccer. Let the fun begin! Will write more later...

Much Love,
Roni

Hodgepodge of Stuff

This post will probably make little sense. I just feel the need to say some STUFF. Maybe if I do it will help the funk that I seem to have gotten into.

**I hate having to tell people that Natalia has died. The people that know I have 2 girls and are just questioning their welfare. They don't know...they certainly don't mean harm. I love the fact that they remember and care enough to ask after the girls. It just shuts me down and brings waves of pain to have to say the words. I hate the look in their eyes and the knowledge that they now feel guilty for having asked an otherwise perfectly wonderful question.

**I dream...it used to come almost every night...now just once in a while but is getting more vivid with each visit. I walk into our bedroom where Talia is laying while my parents are talking to her. I feel her and she is not breathing. I go to the doorway and yell for Edgar in a voice that doesn't sound like mine. He grabs her up and cries. I lay beside her just touching her. I see the firemen and police come into the room to make the call as I lay next to her. Then I feel her spirit rise up, rush through me and out the window. The feeling made me jump up and the verticles at the window were moving. She was gone...no longer in our care. I wake up feeling like I have just had to say goodbye again. While I know she is with God and no longer in pain, my heart still hurts.

**Just cause...stupid people iratate me...I know I need to show patience and I am sooo much better at not opening my mouth but COME ON...how do they even survive the day?

**Things happen...butterflies appearing and fluttering around me when I need that extra lift in the day. A white dove that seems to only come to the building by my office when I just want to crawl back under the covers and hide from the world for a little while. Talia's favorite songs on the radio when your driving around feeling down. Things that say no matter what she is still here for us.

**I cry a lot lately for no apparent reason...sucks...I hate to cry...gives me a headache and ruins my makeup. I stopped wearing mascra on my bottom lashes when Natalia first got sick. A fellow blond cancer mom told me about doing this...still have the top on so that it looks like I have some lashes without the racoon look.

**I love that Pia is growing to be strong and independent. I could do without the attitude and mouth that seems to be coming with it...but for the most part she makes me so proud. She told me she was holding hands with sissy while we walked out to the car this morning.

That's all I can think of now. I guess it is enough.

Much Love,
Roni

OMG Kindergarten

Miss Sophia is ready for Kindergarten. She went this morning for her assessment test with Mrs McMillian. She did fabulous!! I was so proud of her. She rocked it. She was so proud of herself and eager to start at Weldon. August 24th can not come fast enough for her. I can not wait for her...I also don't want her to go...my baby is starting school...we're getting old...she's getting old. Next it will be driving and dating...thank God we know a lot of officers...with flashlights...who are real big...and look real mean. LOL!!!! Poor teenage Pia.

This morning was also hard for me. I had to go back into Natalia's old kindergarten room and look at where she used to sit and learn. I was great as long as I focused on Sophia but then when I let my eyes wonder, memories would hit me. They are wonderful, happy memories. I just miss her so much. I think having Sophia in the same room will be good for all 3 of us. Sophia will be surrounded by teachers that knew her sister and, something huge for Pia, if Natalia did it first...then it was ok for her to do too. She is not afraid to walk into the classroom and do her thing because Talia was there first and showed Pia that everything was awesome.

Something just to make everyone smile...Sophia is insisting that she needs to lose a tooth. She is after all 5. Sissy lost 4 teeth while she was 5 and some of her friends at school have lost their teeth. When are her teeth coming out! The tooth fairy needs to visit our house and bring her some cash for her teeth now!

Much love,
Roni

What a Week

This week was both incredibly fun and incredibly painful...read on!

All three of us have been missing Natalia terribly bad these past couple weeks. Not that we don't always miss her...we just usually do a better job of coping with all the emotions that go with it. I think a lot of it had to do with the anniversary of our Cancun trip. It was an amazing time in our lives with so many intense emotions attached to it. We are doing a better now.

On to the fun...I got a phone call from Make A Wish on Tuesday morning asking if we would like to go to the Jonas Brothers concert. Well, all of you parents to young girls know the JO BROS....Talia thought Nick was hot, and Pia thinks Joe is toooo cute. So Wednesday night off the 3 of us went to see the Jo Bros. It was great to see that Edgar was not the only father that was attending. My God, the absolute volume that girls can be when in mass. Jordan Sparks opened and Pia was in heaven. We only stayed until 9pm...Sophia was tired. She had her final swim lesson of the season that afternoon and was extremely tired but boogeying with the best on them. Jan Thomas and Pia's coach, Christine, were amazing. Pia has mastered 5 stokes...front & back crawl, front & back breast stroke...and butterfly. She just glides through the water. She got her medal and a DVD of her showing off all her moves. She will be back next season. (Jan Thomas...expensive...yes, worth it...priceless. This place is amazing in the way they can teach kids to swim.) Back to the concert...she danced and laughed until the 2nd Jo Bro song then she just completely pooped out. Edgar had training all last week...therefore, working days...he was exhausted from the schedule change...tons of screaming girls...time to go. We got to see about 5 songs...All I can say...Jo Bros OK...Jordan Sparks AMAZING!

The painful part....WARNING glass water globes(for plants) are dangerous to your health. Wednesday morning, yes concert day, I was filling the office globe and putting it back into the plant when...my thumb went right through the glass. I ended up getting 4 nice deep stiches at the base of my right thumb. AND a tetnus shot...sucked big time. The spot where I got the shot hurts more then the stiches, that is until I do something stupid with my right hand.

Much Love,
Roni

Fear

What do I fear the most?

After the past year, I don't think too much phases me. I worry about some things but I know that I have the love, strength and support to get through them. What do I fear...people forgetting Natalia. She will always live through us that knew her but the world is a fickle place and what was news one day is all but forgotten the next. I think that is, in part, why we are now going out and doing more things...because we are a family unit and the more good we are able to help do the more Natalia is honored.

Sorry, maybe I am just PMS'ing this week. Thus feeling more weepy! Thus having lots of not pleasant thoughts that I know do me no good. Funny how the mind works. But all I had to do was write it down and already I feel better. Those of us that had the privledge to know Talia know she was unforgetable! Oooo Yeah!

On a great note...Rumble to the Summit 2010 here we come. Edgar has bought a motorcycle and is practicing so we can ride in it next year. It didn't even take 3 months to begin to realize that goal. Rock On!

Much Love,
Roni

Music, Memories & Moments

The power of a song...probably the most powerful song for Edgar and I is Hannah Montana's "If We Were A Movie". Songs hold memories like treasure boxes. Natalia used to sing this at the top of her lungs. When we took her to Children's Hospital that first day, I sang her this song while we waited for her MRI to begin. We would all 4 sing this at every opportunity. Now I can't separate it from her illness. The thing is...it not only brings the hard to bear memories but the incredibly happy ones as well.

I very recently bought a portable hard drive and backuped all the family photos and videos from all our computers. Niether of us have been able to watch the videos...kind of like tearing the scab off a wound. I mean there she is talking to you and you can't put your arms around her. I had to check to make sure they had transfered ok to the hard drive and it seemed that every one I checked she was singing "If We Were A Movie". I loved hearing her voice but it also cut to the bone.

Pia started Kindergarten next month. The thought of buying her backpack brought Edgar and I to tears...no new backpack for Talia. Pia was beside herself...this time it was for real. She has bought them in the past just because if sissy was getting one so was she. My mom and I took her to the Disney Store because I was told they also had the matching lunch boxes. She put some effort and thought into looking...Princesses and Tinkerbell are too baby...she's sooo grown up. In the end Wizards of Waverly Place was choosen.

I guess that's it for now. There is just so much stuff going through my mind lately that it is hard to get all the pieces together and write them down.

Much love,
Roni

Life Changing events...no not right now

Do you ever think back on moments that changed your life forever? Yesterday was one of those for me...well the whole family. July 10th will always live in my mind as the day that open our eyes to the world around us. One year ago we were told that the radiation and chemotherapy treatments that Natalia had been undergoing had not worked...the tumor was growing and she had two months to live. To say we were devastated is an understatement but what God breaks down he rebuilds in stronger, better ways. We solidified in our minds that we were going to take the girls to Cancun...and poof...Shelly from Make A Wish calls me before I can ask Mom to find the post it on our bookshelf at home with Shelly's phone number on it. When Natalia was released from the hospital we began to jump at chances to experience all life had to offer us. We came out of our "well, lets wait for things to get better" mindset. There is no let's wait and see in life. Every moment is an experience, every person you meet is a wonder. How much sheer wonder and joy is in the world when strangers offer you comfort and help in your moments of need? Can you be that person that brightens someones day? Just think...you have already brightened our world just by reading this blog. You have no idea how much just writing this helps me cope with everything that has happened. It brings focus and allows me to build a game plan for life. We now, as a family, seek out ways to help others like we were helped. Why...because even though our world was coming down around us, the foundation for a different world was being laid. Do I still cry everyday missing Natalia? Yes!!! Do I make a conscious effort to stop? Yes, I do! I have another child who needs me more then I need cry. There is a world out there just waiting for us to take an active part in.

So say it with me now...THERE IS NO WAIT FOR THINGS TO GET BETTER...LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE NOW BEFORE THERE IS NO MORE NOW! Open yourself to the world around you and see the miracles that happen. Small miracles are the biggest joy there is in life and they happen every day.

Much love,
Roni

Thoughts of the Day

I hope everyone had a good 4th of July. We spent ours at a block party. Sophia had a total blast because they had a bounce house water slide & tons of kids for her to play with. When the sun went down everyone gathered around and the fireworks were lit. Sophia "got over" watching them after the first 20 minutes...can you say to tired to sit still? My mind went back to last year at this time...Natalia had just finished radiation treatments and we had to wait to see what the results would be. She had to spend the last few sessions in the hospital because they had lowered her dexamethazone too much and she had swelling in her brain. When they got home we didn't go out because she was too tired and physically unable. This year...I could hear her giggles in my head...and why not she could see all the fireworks everywhere. And you know what? It's ok...it beyond sucks that she is not here...I cry when I hear her...but then her warmth washes over me and I hear her ooo yea and it's ok.

These moments have been happening quiet a lot. I took Sophia to see the circus last week. I spent almost as much time watching her as I did the performance. I kept thinking Talia would have loved this and then total warmth filled me and I knewn...she is loving it through us. She is so much a part of us that there is no beginning and NO END. She will always be with us because she is part of our hearts and souls. No matter what we do she will always be a huge part of it. She will ALWAYS be there. Does it suck beyond belief that I can not physically hold her...yes it does, that will ALWAYS hurt...but she pushes us to go on because that is what she was about. Whenever I start to get really sad these flashes of her go through my mind. Listening to music and crying then a flash of her during her last few weeks sitting on the couch bopping her head and moving her hand to the the beat just jamming out. Her completely, make no sense, knock knock jokes...still make me smile.

What brings all this up...last week had very high highs (the circus and 4th) and very low lows...I packed Natalia's clothes away. I purposely did it like I normally would. I put all the pieces Sophia would grow to fit into boxes and put the stuff that would not stand the test of time(ie would not be "fashionable" in 2 years)into a bag for charity. And then there were the pieces that will be forever hers...that was the hard part...yeah, serious breakdown. But I finished it...then went to the gym. Edgar presented me with trainer sessions so that I would get myself back into the gym and do something for myself. The gym is his solice. When he breaks a sweat it helps him clear his mind...he wanted the same for me. My trainer laughed and said if someone gave her sessions as a gift she might have to hit them but once I explained she laughed and said he was right on. Well, after packing her clothes away, I spent an hour on the treadmill with Lady Gaga and then had no desire to eat my weight in chocolate...which had been my first inclanation after packing Talia's clothes. The next low was our first grief group meeting...lots of pain...lots of anger...so not where we are at...and that brings us pain and anger. Everyone deals with death in their own way and it is a messy emotional process. I think because we dealt with so many of these emotions while she was alive and knew she wouldn't make it we have moved past the anger portion of the grief process. The pain...I am not sure I am ready to deal with others concentrated pain. We'll see. I also think having this blog and being able to write my feeling out have been huge in healing. Pain...forever...focusing it to be of some use...getting there.

Much love to you all,
Roni

Rumble Pictures

Colby(host of New American Thunder)wearing his "Natalia's Friends" bracelet
Interviewing Edgar for New American Thunder
Pia Dancing The Night Away

The Rumble to the Summit episode of New American Thunder will air on Wednesday, July 1st at 5pm. Check it out!!!!

Love to you all,
Roni

There and Back Again

Well, we made it! The first few miles on the road were really tough. Pia wanted to listen to all of Natalia's favorite songs. We almost had to pull over in the middle of "Bleeding Love" her ab fab song. Then the memories of her little bopping to "I Like To Move It". It was a hard drive...it was hard to cross the Bay Bridge and drive straight to USCF. It was hard to turn into the parking lot...then Pia says we need to park in the pink lot...and we laughed til we hurt...it was all going to be ok. We went upstairs to Dr Banerjee's office...and who do we run into in the hall just before the office...Karina, Sophia's partner in crime. Karina used to take Sophia on "adventures" while Natalia was getting chemo. They would deliver samples to the lab or go to the nurse's break room. She made Sophia's trip. While we were talking to Anita and Melissa at the front desk, out walks Dr Banerjee. It was great to see her. How could we do this trip without seeing her? She helped to give us more time with Talia. We saw all our fav chemo nurses. God truely blessed us with this meeting. We needed to see the office and chemo row and say thank you to them all.

Next it was the long walk to Family House on 10th. The people we went to see weren't there but the 10 block walk was, well, every step was a tribute. Then back to Family House on 2nd & Irving to see Paul. We had just seen some of the most important people in San Francisco...at least to us they will always be. The ceremony for children who have passed away at UCSF was a good healing experience...we even got to see Janelle, one of our favorite nurses from 7 Long. Then it was off to Nan King Road Bistro for sweet and sour raspberry chicken. Edgar got the best sleep he has had in a long time and in the morning we had donuts at Donut World. Then back home...this time actually singing Natalia's favorite songs at the top of our lungs...it was the first time I was able to listen to "Life in a Northern Town" by Sugarland since she passed...I sang at full volume for her. The circle has been closed and another weight lifted. It was a good trip...no great trip!

****New American Thunder***the Make A Wish Episode will air on Wednesday, July 1st, at 5pm on the Speed Channel. For those of you in the Fresno area that have Comcast it is channel 35. For everyone else...the Speed Channel is part of the ESPN family...find it!!! HAHAHAHAHA! Edgar did a really good interview and they needed more pics of Natalia for the show. Hopefully, they will be able to spotlight how much these wishes help a child and their families.

Much love to you all,
Roni

Harder then I Thought

I have spent the better part of my quiet moments the past few days crying. It sucks! Too say the least. It's not just me, Edgar is in on it as well. Going back to San Francisco is harder then either of us realized it would be...oh and Father's Day just happened in there as well. We miss her giggles and belly laughs...her ooo yeas. I made the decision that it is time to pack away some of her clothes...well I bought a large plastic box to put them in anyway. Edgar says it is too soon. I told him that he doesn't put Sophia's clothes away and have to see that I don't have any of Natalia's clothes to put away. It hurts every time I go to their closet and see her favorite pieces, picture her wearing them and then not have her to hold.

We are heading out tomorrow morning. A stop in Patterson for chicken fries...a must on their bi-weekly trip. We are going to park the car and walk to old haunts, visit familiar faces and close the circle. Another must...a chocolate twist donut from Donut World.

Memories keep crashing in and alternate between being crushing in intensity and warming in their love. Sophia just hands me a tissue, hugs me and tells me I can cry on her shoulder. Wow, welcome back to the here and now. Sophia is beyond amazing. We are changing her pre-school. They have done, yet another, staff/curriculum change. This time we are not rolling with the punches. Always before there was someone left who the girls adored and we felt they were in good hands...not the case anymore. There is no one left, teachers or kids, that we know. Pia actually says she hates one of her teachers and we do not care for the director...great as a teacher(Sophia has learned a lot) but not a very good administrator. So today we checked out a few and will take Pia to see them when we get back.

I guess that's it for now.

Much love,
Roni

Growing Experiences

Wow, the past 2 weeks have been an incredible growing experience.

1) Edgar and I have been getting involved with the PTC at Weldon Elementary. We have had nothing but amazing support from Weldon all through the past year and a half. When Natalia started 1st grade, I thought this would be a great way for a 9-5 Mom to help out the school. Unfortunately, I was only able to go to 1 meeting before Natalia was unable to go to school. We went as a family to the last few meetings of the year. We thought this would be a good way to get our feet wet and meet some of the other parents but we did not want a leadership role. After all, we had never done a full school year. I went to the June 10th board meeting to offer our helping hands and guess who was nominated to be president…can you say desparate!!! The sad fact is they were. Not many parents get involved in the fund raising aspect of schools, but, it is extremely important to help keep a school running smoothly. No, I declined president…but I am the treasurer. I am now actually looking forward to it. It will be a great way to meet new people. And important for us…a great way to meet and get to know the kids of Weldon.
2) Sophia is officially a Weldon Warrior. All of her transfer stuff came through this week and she will be in Mrs. McMillian’s class. She is currently thriving at Jan Thomas Swim School. Oh yeah!!!! It is amazing to see how quickly she is picking up all her strokes. To see her racing diving and crawl stroke across the pool just blows me away. Needless to say her original 10 lessons have now become the entire summer. Her education is thriving at preschool. She is writing all her letters and numbers, adding and learning to tell time. She is rocking along.
3) RUMBLE TO THE SUMMIT…can you say amazing! Make-A-Wish is just an incredible thing to be involved with. If we can help them earn just $1 more to help other kids…count us in. The Pre-Party Friday night…tons of people, tons of fun. Sophia danced and boogied all night to the band. The fire dancers were a huge hit. We met another BT family. We have been reading each others blog for a while. The Hatfields live up in Coarsegold and their son Isaac has a BT. That was both wonderful and hard. To look into their eyes and know that their hard journey continues. To know all you can do is offer support. I think Edgar and I babbled a bit because it was either that or cry. Saturday morning…Well, we were hoping for crowds lining the street…what we got were eager, awesome volunteers and tons of fun. I laughed ‘til I hurt. We decorated the entrance of the school so it looked cool. Some of us directed the riders into the driveway while others had a system for giving out raffle tickets and getting donations for “Natalia’s Nest”. We started at 7:30am and completely finished up by 12pm. Thank you to everyone who helped and those who donated to the Nest. Edgar was interviewed for the Speed Channel’s New American Thunder. He talked about our journey, Make-A-Wish and Natalia’s Nest. The Rumble was something that we were truly proud to be a part of. Thank you, again, Fresno HEAT hockey team for sponsoring the stop in Natalia’s honor.
4) Next week we are heading back to UCSF. Compass Point is having a dinner/service for those in their care that have passed away. It is time to close the circle. The dinner is Tuesday, so, we are going to head up in the morning and spend the night. We hope to see everyone in Dr Banerjee’s office that helped us and to see the staff at Family House. We definitely NEED to get a chocolate twist donut from Donut World and chicken fries in Patterson.
5) It is also time for us to start looking for a house. We know it is going to take time and we still need to get prequalified but the market is too good right now for us to not to begin looking. We know generally what we want in a house but still are unsure if we will live in the house or just buy it and rent it out for a while. My job depends on my living on site so we need to consider the last option carefully.
That’s all for now. Much Love, Roni

Rumble 1 Week and Counting

Make A Wish's Rumble to the Summit on Saturday June 13Th.

It is awesome when you have something this great to focus on! Everyone we do need help...if you can volunteer at Weldon on Saturday morning...please do...just email me at vivavalle@att.net. We are going to start setting everything up at 7:30am and should be ready to go home by 11:30am. We need help setting up and for traffic/crowd control. If you just want to come watch all the motorcycles, they should start riding in around 9-9:30am. We are asking that you do not park on Dewitt in front of the school grounds but rather on the side streets. This will make it easier for everyone to see the bikes and easier for you to leave without running across Rumble traffic. It is going to be a blast for the whole family and you might just be on TV.

Friday night, June 12Th, the Rumble pre-party will be at the Clovis Rodeo grounds. It is going to be a blast...yes, Karen, I hope to see you and your family there. Please come to these events and help kids get their wishes.

Much love to you all,
Roni

Rumble to the Summit

Get your game on everyone! We need volunteers and watchers. Make A Wish's Rumble to the Summit will be stopping at Weldon Elementary on the morning of June 13th. It is going to be big...motorcycle lover's, or if you just want your face on TV, the Speed Channel's American Thunder show will be filming at Weldon. Also, their newest show(not yet up and running) will be called "Wish Ride" and have celebraties riding bikes to help raise money for Make a Wish...they will be filming footage at the Rumble as well. Weldon is the 1st stop for the rumble. The Fresno Heat hockey has sponsored this stop in memory of Natalia. We are going to have a bucket for spare change or bills(hehehe) for Natalia's Nest. The Nest will help sponsor families at the holidays, as well as, send students, who otherwise could not afford it, to the yearly Sanora outdoor ed. trip.

Usually, people would line Clovis Ave to see the Rumble parade. This year, due to financial considerations, they are not having the parade. Therefore, we are asking people to line the sidewalks at Weldon...show your support to Make A Wish. We know for a fact that Natalia's trip gave her great strength and comfort in her final days. She was given a couple months to live just before the trip. She came back from Cancun and was able to start 1st grade and lasted 8 more glorious months. During her "actively dieing" period she kept going swimming with the fish and asking her Papa to cut her pancakes..."it was the best vacation ever." How huge is that to give a child!!! Wishes can be anything...from a laptop, meeting a famous person or dream vacation. The point is that they do so much to bolster a child. They get a renewed hope that dreams can happen. Anything is possible! Please stop by and show your support. Check out http://www.rumbletothesummit.org for more information about events.

Much love,
Roni

Tapestry Part 2

Well, it may have taken me a while but I finally got back to this post. I want you all to really look at the picture posted above...it is a wonderful picture of the girls when Pia was about 5 months old and Talia was 2 years old. My mother-in-law cross-stitched this picture from a photo that they had. I want you to look at all the details and see how close to life like it looks. Then I want you to think about the back of this work of art...any of you who have tried your hand making cross-stitch before know that the back of this looks like a jumbled mass of threads and knots. You can not make rhyme nor reason of it. It definitely does not resemble the finished product. That is what our lives are. God sees the finished product while we all we see are the threads and knots. My point, you ask, is simple...those threads and knots are what join our lives together. Some threads only cross each other once, others multiple times. Many are knotted together to form strong bonds. We may not see the reason for all of this but God does and the chaos that our lives can seem at times make sense. We impact so many people without realizing that we are doing just that. Cause and effect...all part of one miraculous life.

Another thread...the other pictures are from Relay For Life. Natalia's class help to decorate luminaries for the track. Each of these lights represents someone with cancer. You can choose to feel crushed by all these lights or renewed. To fall back into the abyss of sorrow or find your purpose and strength in knowing that there are others out there who need your help. We are all brought together by God to lend our help to each other, whether by helping financially of by just giving someone a hug.

Have you hugged someone today?

Much Love,
Roni

Busy

When did I get so busy…I had to laugh when I thought about this yesterday.

Work has been awesomely busy. The last thing you want at a large complex is for the office to be slow. We have been doing a lot of leasing and with biannual inspections this week & next there will be a lot of paperwork to do. Our owners visited last week and told us the complex looked wonderful…Note: when the owners tell you that the complex looks wonderful, you know you’ve done your job well and that the team is doing a great job. Hey, if anyone knows someone who needs an apartment we still have some beautiful 1 & 2 bedroom apartments.

Sophia…We ran all last week getting her to downtown rehearsals and to the performances. The little girl who knows everyone’s lines didn’t say hers on Thursday or Sunday’s shows. Thank goodness when all the family was at Saturday’s show she said them loud and proud. I think this will be her last play for a while. When kindergarten starts, so will soccer. We want her to try something that will help burn some of her boundless energy. Today, Edgar is going up to see about putting her in private swim lessons. We were not happy with her last set of lessons at an unnamed swim school. They put kids in her class that were not at her and another boy’s level just to fill the class. She was bored and didn’t learn much, in fact, she lost some skills. As for kindergarten, Edgar went down last week and spoke with the people at the Fresno Unified transfer department. He explained our situation and why it was so important that Sophia attend Weldon…we are just waiting for the letter now. Watch out Weldon, here comes Sophia Valle.

Relay for Life…wow is the only thing I can say about this. The vibe was so incredible! How did we get involved, you ask…well…Mrs. Hansen, Natalia’s 1st grade teacher, called me a few weeks ago because one of the parents wanted to know if we would be ok with the class decorating luminary for the Relay and would we like to send a picture of Natalia for the ceremony and would we possibly speak at the opening ceremony. I called Kimberly and said yes we would like to do it all. Edgar took the day off because we had so much going on…Speaking at the opening ceremony at 9am, Annie at 12:45, BBQ at friends house right after play, luminary ceremony at 7pm…what happened. Edgar got home aprox 4am, Sophia wakes up and is nauseous, I don’t speak in public about Natalia’s illness…Crud! We made a commitment and by golly we were going to keep it, so…off I went by myself. The organizers were wonderful…just say what I can say and then they would take over if I could not finish, but, I did myself proud. I got through it and even managed to sound inspirational. I tried to explain to Edgar about the vibe but it just gets lost in translation. When we went back for the luminary ceremony, he got it! Relay for Life is something we can see ourselves involved in. The sense of togetherness that everyone involves has WOW! Cancer touches so many lives and to all have one purpose and to give each other much needed support is amazing.

Much Love,
Roni

Tapestry

This one is going to be a 2 parter. Didn't get much sleep last night thought about so many things that my head was buzzing in the shower and had to write a little now before heading to work to qiet things down in there for a bit. This one is going to seem jumbled a bit as well...no sleep...tons of thoughts...no organization yet.

The pictures that you see flashing over on the left side of the screen...2 of my current favorites are there...Natalia in orange on the couch with Redd next to her...this is the last photo we took of her. It was taken on Monday March 23rd...it was the day we were told she was starting to "actively die". She could not get out of bed after this. The second is the picture of Sophia in her red vest holding her arms out to the ocean...this was taken on Thursday April 2nd...our first day in Monterey when we took Natalia's ashes to be spread. Sophia kept yelling "I'm here sissy. Come play with me."

Yes, I am still working on my little book project. It tends to be more jumbled paragraphs at the moment as I get overwhelmed when I start to write some of it but it is a good experience to just get some of the thoughts off my chest...kind of like this.

Annie...May 16th and 17th 2pm at the Fresno Auditorium Theatre...had to say it again.

Rumble to the Summit for Make a Wish...June 13th...the Fresno HEAT hockey team is sponsoring a check point at Weldon Elementary in honor of Natalia...more on this later.

Dumb dog...chews everything in sight...lets Pia do what ever she wants to him and just goes with it...looks at us with those big gold eyes and massive head...gotta love him cause can't get rid of him...he's one of the family now.

more later must fix Pia breakfast...

Much Love,
Roni

Hard Week

Yes it has been. I don't know why but the tears have been so close to the surface for both Edgar and I this week. The slightest thing sets me off and the water works just keep coming. Edgar and I have been very in tune with each other over the course of our marriage. He is one of those husbands that you hear about...you know...the ones that get morning sickness with you, feel generally icky with you and feel great with you. Now we feel our grief together too.

I decided to do something positive today...I cleaned up the playroom. It has been the catch all storage room for most of the winter and since it is filled with both girls things I haven't wanted to put myself through going through all of Natalia's toys, books, blankets and just general stuff. I decided this morning that Sophia needed her place to play back. Two giant garbage bags later...OMG there is carpet under there. Amazing how many Happy Meal toys and paper and broken things seem to accumulate in six months. The good thing was many of the things were both girls...or at least they shared so much that I can no longer remember whose they were originally. But the things that were exclusively Natalia's...I could feel my heart crushing. But I got through it...then quickly put away laundry tonight...got through the playroom so putting away Pia's clothes was much easier tonight.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day...happiness to every Mom reading this. It is a double edge sword here. Sophia is...Sophia. It is hard to be sad for too long around her...but I miss Natalia so much. It overwhelms me sometimes. Then Pia does something so Pia just cause she knows I'm sad and I remember...it's okay to miss her but I can't let that take away from the life that we need to make without her physically here. I can't curl up in a ball and let the world go by. There is too much to be done...too many things that we are able to do because Natalia showed us that we can help the world one person at a time. We know what it is like to receive a card from someone we don't know saying their thoughts and prayers are with us...we know what it's like to have a sandwich with a gift card...fill our car with gas from a gift card...have a small note on 1 colorful fish multiple into the hundreds. Someone out there took a moment to help make our lives a little brighter...now it is our turn.

Much Love to you all,
Roni

May is Brain Tumor Awareness Month

Hey everyone, get your grey on. May is Brain Tumor Awareness Month. Like I need a reminder...every day is Brain Tumor Awareness day in our home. But the rest of the world does...especially for childhood tumors...kids brain cells are fertile soil for new cells and tumors spread and mutate...they are much less likely to be cured than adult brain tumors. The reality can really really suck! The problem also is no one wants to hear that it could be their child and that it hits without any major warning signs.

Another week down. I was off work last Friday with a huge cold. I slept all day long...it was Pia/Jeannine day so I was without child until 8pm. And I slept that whole time...was supposed to go to the Clovis Rodeo Parade Saturday morning(part of my "I will go out and experience the city more " campaign)...you guessed it...I slept all morning...I got up about 2pm to go for my...new tattoo...an anklet that says "Natalia Joy" on one side and "Sophia Isabel" on the other...all joined together with vines and flowers. If I do say so myself, J at Resistance did a fabulous job. I am very happy...it looks extremely feminine. Then I slept all day Sunday. Back to work on Monday.

Work has been busy of late...Thank God, both for the business and to keep my mind occupied. End of month/beginning of the month is always busy at the complex...shameless plug time...if anyone needs a 1 or 2 bedroom apartment Merit Manor on the corner of Peach and Gettysburg has something for everyone...stop on in and talk to Roni, Sam or Aubrey.

We had a busy day yesterday. Sophia had 2 birthday parties to go to. The first was an ice skating party...Pia has never been on ice...never even roller skated...I haven't been on skates in the past 10 years...but the Colorado has not left me yet. We had fun cruising the ice...when she realized I wouldn't let her get hurt. The second was at the little red park and was an old fashioned blast. The kids had so much fun playing together and got so tired that they did not even argue when it was time to go home.

Today's Sunday school lesson...times of darkness that bring great faith...needless to say I cried the whole lesson...most of the class just went with it and got tissue...poor new woman kept looking at me like I was off my rocker...I seemed so "normal" at the start of class. My Sunday school lessons...my private joke with God...they usually seem to go along with what is going on in my life at that moment and add a little more direction to that windy road. Today's lesson for me...even when things are moving at the speed of light and you don't seem to have a moment to breath...stop a second and give praise that God has his plan for you...give him that moment and peace and joy can be yours...even if it sometimes comes with tears...they can be a good thing.

I made a quiet moment this afternoon...and repotted some of the plants we received over the last month. Sophia and I planted our herb seeds...yes my patio looks like garden...makes it more peaceful when you sit out there.

ANNIE...May 16th and 17th...2pm at the Fresno Auditorium Theater...Miss Sophia Valle is an orphan with attitude...tickets are $11 at the door...come one, come all.

Much love to you all,
Roni

Some days are just better then others

What can I say, grief sucks! It reaches out and grabs you when you least expect it. Sometimes it washes over you like a wave...quick to hit, heavy tug, pulls away from you just as fast and a calmness follows. Other times it is like a flood...slow to rise, drowning in feeling, slow to leave with lots of rubble left in its path. I hear a song or a certain giggle and the wave hits...I tend to feel a little better after like Natalia just popped by to say HI. I just miss those moments with her. But laundry has been my flood...I can do all the wash and not think anything of it, but, when it comes time to put clothes away...all I see is her things hanging in their place, not getting dirty...I have nothing to put away for her and I just stand there and cry until I have nothing left in me. People say we're are holding up so well and for the most part I think we are doing really well but there are the little...well not so little to us things...Edgar can no longer listen to some of Natalia's favorite songs because they hit to deep...I can't change the sheets on our bed because those were the last thing that close to Natalia's body...if I try hard I can still smell her. The clean sheets are sitting on the end of the bed, I just can't make myself do it.

What puts us in a better place then some...we talk about it...well, Edgar talks, I write...we get those feeling and those hurts out of us...we don't let the volcano build until something explodes. It would not be a pretty sight. As you can tell by the hour of this post...I'm not having a good day...it has been a restless night. A resident asked me before closing the office last night "so, how's your daughter?" Now my rational mind realizes that people tend to live in their own insulated world and not much else gets in so...my emotional mind wanted to kick him to the ground and stomp on him until he wasn't moving anymore...what did I do you ask...I simply told him she passed away last month, thank you for his concern and walked away before I hit him. I knew when I started back to work that I would probably have to face that moment...I wasn't as prepared as I thought I would be. Edgar has also had to go though the same thing at work. I think we have been well insulated by friends and family that we assume everyone knows she passed away. It is hard to have to say the words to someone who doesn't know.

Hey, we are working on an incredible project...fund...whatever...awesomeness...with Weldon Elementary. It is called Natalia's Nest. the nest will be used for helping kids who do not have the means to attend the outdoor education at Sonora trip...sponsoring a family at Christmas. That type of thing. If we can teach 1 child to show kindness and grace to others, we will be honoring her memory in the best way possible. More to follow on this...I think I have hit my wall by getting out the beginning of the blog...tears are going to be way to close to the surface today...I need coffee and a shower.

Much love to you all,
Roni

Thank you Everyone

Long time no write for a reason. It has been so hard to focus. After Natalia passed we still had so much forward momentum to give her the best/perfect for her send off possible. I truely believe we accomplished that. After the Celebration, Edgar and I both started back to work and some of the wind left our sails. We were both very tired. Hard to write when all you want to do is sleep or veg out.

Thank you so much to everyone who came to Natalia's Celebration. It was beyond amazing. Everyone wearing bright colors there to remember the life of a very special little girl. I need to thank Allen, Mary and the rest of the staff at Serenity. Many people commented to us that it was not like any memorial they had been to. Serenity "hosted" an event, like a well planned party. Everyone was made to feel comfortable and welcomed. Also, the wonderful people at Trinity Southern Baptist...the reception afterward was beyond what we could have imagined. The tables were bright and set with flowers and pictures of Natalia...and the food...WOW! She was snacking in Heaven.

Yes, we are both back at work. Many have asked if we were sure this is what we wanted to do...are we sure we didn't need more time? If we had lost her in an instant, no we would have needed to take much longer because we would not have been as good as we are. But we had the time we needed to say goodbye...we had the time we needed to make sure her send off was all we could hope. One thing we learned from Natalia was that you press on no matter how tough things are, you go on and do the very best that you can. I jumped back into work because the office has been very busy. Edgar's work is always busy. It helps to take your mind off the fact that she is physically missing when you are keeping busy. Sitting around the house without her there would have caused us both unbelievable grief so work is helping us heal.

Edgar's sister, Nagchielli, is visiting us until Monday. Tia has been Pia's playmate and constant companion since her arrival on Saturday. She will definately need to take a vacation from her vacation. Speaking of my youngest...she turned 5 yesterday. OMG where did that time go! EVERYONE...we need to get the word out as there are fewer kids in the spring play...ANNIE performing May 16th and 17th at the Fresno Veterns Theater...Our little starlet is an orphan with attitude. She now has 2 lines and gets to throw a screaming tantrum...we are so proud. hahahahaha Tickets are $11 or $16 for prime seating. The kids all do a wonderful job with the show and you never quiet know what Pia will do on stage...if you laugh she gets more famboyant.

I've started to read blogs of other BT families...the stories are amazing...I will be in touch soon...

Much love to you all,
Roni

Home

It was a good long weekend for us. Edgar and I finally unwound a bit. By the time we left Sunday afternoon I was just heart sore and exhausted...this time in a good way. I can actually feel myself starting to catch up on that bone deep tiredness.

Saturday was such a beautiful day. Thank you to all our friends and family who were able to share it with us. The sun was out and the wind had gone away. I thought we would have to go out of the bay and into the ocean to spread her ashes but that was not the case...we were able to spread them in the center of the bay so she could be with everything she loved. There was peace to know that not only was her soul in a beautiful place but now her body was in the most beautiful spot we could pick. When we got back to land...by the way Redd is definitely not a water dog, he was not impressed with the boat at all...we took everyone to Natalia's favorite ice cream spot for tasty treats.

Later that afternoon, Pia was playing in the ocean, holding her arms up to the sky and calling for sissy to come play with her...it was awesome! We all relaxed and watched the sunset from the hotel...when I say relaxed, I do fully mean it. I could actually feel that last bit of tightness in me loosen while the sun went down. I could feel Natalia unbound from her earthly chains. Thank you everyone for making sure we had fun Saturday night. Leaving on Sunday was still hard...driving away from our oldest child...heart palpations hit by Gilroy and I just started praying...it's gotten me through so many tough times then, now...always. By the time we got home all 3 of us were exhausted. I slept on and off the rest of the day. Pia cuddled in bed with Redd and watched "her" shows while Papa relaxed as only a cop can by looking at guns online. LOL...it made me laugh whenever I came out of the bedroom.

Moment for shameless plug...you all know I manage an apartment complex, so I have access to some wonderful businesses and people...A friend asked if she could do anything for us and I finally took her up on it because A)housework has not been a priority these last couple weeks(while my house was not a pigpen it was not normal for us) and B)Edgar's sister Nagchielli is coming for a visit this upcoming Saturday. MG Janitorial is the name of Terry's company and they do an incredible job. My house was spotless and it was such a major relief to walk in and have it be amazing...it is part of the reason that I got to sleep on and off for the rest of the day. So THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU TERRY!

Today we need to take some of Natalia's favorite things to Serenity for them to use on her table tomorrow. We also are going to call the Fresno Bee and let them have it with both barrels...they misspelled her name on her obituary yesterday...we went over the proof at Serenity on Wednesday and everything was good...one spelling change...but when we saw the paper yesterday, the name they put under her picture was "Natalie Joy Valle"...I don't have a NataliE. It was correct throughout the rest of the story...mad was minor compared to what we were. Tomorrow is the Celebration...honestly, the closer it gets the more I want to push it back...it is like letting go again...but that is not what Natalia was all about...we go forward no matter what...she will be honored...then I stop and think...she would have had a blast at it so you know what...so should I...she is never far from me...whenever my heart is sore I pray and the Lord comforts me and for a moment I can feel Talia's arms around me and I know...It's going to be okay.

Praying...I have never been an out loud prayer...it bugs me...not for others, I actually admire that some people have the ability to do it...I just never have. I have always felt like I have this internal line to God...even as a kid I would just have long running conversations in my head with him. My faith has been tested throughout life but I have always known that that line was there and all I had to do was use it and the Lord would answer. It brings me peace...kind of like going to your happy place...well that line is part of my happy place. Sometimes I feel lacking because I find it hard to pray out loud...then I talk to the Lord about it and the answer is always the same...just talk to me and you will be fine. Enough for now...Pia just woke up and time for breakfast.

Much love to you all,
Roni

This is the day

Good Morning all,
And I do mean good...I have managed to have 2 good night's sleep and Edgar finally got a good one last night. We have been in Monterey since Thursday night. Yesterday was blowing a gale and it was freezing...got up this morning to walk Redd for his morning business and it was beautiful and calm. Even with the gale we walked along the beach and played in the water. Edgar flew the kite and we found peace. Is today going to be hard for us...yes indeed...we have to take the last step in letting Natalia go...she will always be in our hearts and minds and her soul is with God...now her body will be free as well. If you know the words to Puff the Magic Dragon, please join me in singing them at approximately 2:30pm...one last time for Talia.

Much love to you all,
Roni

Sleep

I used to know what sleep was...before our final trip to UCSF. Now I think it teases me. It looms just past my cloudy mind. I've been trying to wear myself out at night to get to sleep but bedtime is slowly creeping later and later. Then I seem to wake up about 3am with little hope to get back to sleep. By the time my body finally passes out Sophia is standing next to the bed wanting me to go out to the living room with her and make her breakfast. Last night I tried a glass of red wine...alcohol has not been much on our list of things to have for the past 11 months, too many things could have happened and we wanted full senses at all times...usually 1 glass of red will relax me enough to fall gently to sleep but then Edgar came home from studing for a test he is taking on Thursday and needed to talk. Keep in mind he works swings so his best time of day is when I am usually falling asleep, needless to say I was up till after midnight...another 3am wake up...back to sleep close to 6am...Pia waking me up at 6:30am. Of course, it didn't help that I had to write Natalia's obiterary last night and choose some of her favorite music. I really do not know how parents who lose their child in an instant go on. We had 11 months to know that she would need a miracle to stay with us and the last month to really say goodbye. We are coping but it is extremely hard at times. How can parents who don't have that opportunity cope? Children are the future and when one is lost so is a piece of that future. What would they have accomplished if they had been given the chance to live? Thank God, we have our faith. To be absolute in the knowledge that Natalia is in God's arms and know that she is running, playing, loving and doing as only she could...only better now because she can help the world know God's light. Hold your children tight, make sure they feel secure and you tell them you love them often because it can all be gone in the blink of an eye. Make sure you don't have any regrets because the should ofs and would haves don't mean anything once someone is gone.

Actually thinking about writing a book about life, love and coping...what do you think? I just don't want another family to feel as alone in brain tumor land as we felt...yes we had all of you but no one knows until they walk the path just what it entails and there are so very few of us...Thank God!

Much love,
Roni

Favor and Insites

Hey all,
The favor I have to ask everyone is huge...please do not add to our own grief. We welcome your support, your words of comfort and most important your love. Just please leave your grief aside when you are with us. We have already cut people out of our lives who brought too much grief to the table. There is a reason Natalia's middle name was Joy. She brought that and more to everyone around her. She refused to give up her joy in life until the end. She was still going out and blowing bubbles and smiling until her body wouldn't let her anymore. Life, a true life, is not about grief it is about finding some joy in everything you do. If there is no joy in life...what's the point. At the end of every life is death, it is not mysterious it is inevitable. Life may last 100 years or be over in seconds. Why spend your whole life doing things that do not bring you happiness? If you want steak...have steak...my personal choice is brownies...are they good for me...not really...do I love the smell and calmness that overcome while I enjoy them from mixing batter to final eating...oh yea! There are some things in life that can be a drudgery...housework(David, I love the story about your Mom praying and being thankful about each family member while doing the dishes. My personal demon is dusting.)...Taxes...who but an accountant would love those...rush hour driving...the list could be endless but why make these things drudgery. There are positives in all "I hate to do them" things. Once you find your positive there can be OMG even some fun to be found in those things. There is more to life and Natalia showed us that even while dieing there is joy to be found. She died showing more grace and joy then a lot of people live their lives. Does that tick me off when I see it? Heck yes, but you know what, I am not going to let that get me down. We have received so much from so many. We learned that there is an incredible amount of goodness in the world and now we want to add to that. We will live life to its fullest and give a hand where and when we can.

Let that be part of Natalia's legacy...help others where and when you can. It may be cooking someone dinner...it may be drawing them a picture...just the act of love will brighten someone's day...Bring joy to others!

Much love to you all,
Roni

Life Celebration

Hey all, just wanted everyone to know some important things because as Dr Seuss says "Do not cry because it's over, laugh because it happened." We spent the day away from home getting the fine details taken care of. Natalia's ashes will be spread across Monterey Bay next Saturday. I can not say enough about Serenity Funeral Home. They have been incredible with us. It is easier to deal with practical side of death when you are with peaceful people and Mary and Allen emanate peace.

Natalia's Life Celebration will take place on Tuesday, April 7Th, at 10am. It will be at our church...Trinity Southern Baptist on the corner of Winery and Holland just north of Viking Elem. We would like everyone to wear bright colors and if you wish to share stories of Natalia there will be an open mike portion...Edgar will, of course, be saying "a few" words. Please anyone who would like to come please please please feel free to join us.

***In lieu of flowers, we would like you to donate the money you would have spent to either Family House or the Central Valley Make A Wish. If you have been reading the blog, you know how much these 2 organizations have touched our lives. Their information is located on the left side of the blog.

Note: Joni, your poems truly rang through our souls and said exactly how we are feeling...please anyone who would like to read them scroll through the comments of the "Goodbye Talia" post.

Yes, I'll probably keep writing for a while. As I have said before, this blog has become a great way for me to work things through in my mind. While I am at peace with Natalia's passing, I am working through the tsunami of missing her.

Much love to you all,
Roni

Goodbye Talia

At approximately 3:05pm, Natalia Joy Valle joined our Lord in Heaven. She is free of pain and suffering and probably already walking on the beach.

Surprises

Many people have stopped in to say goodbye to Natalia and it has been wonderful. She still hears everyone talking and even with just her right hand as her only form of communication she can still get her point across. While she hasn't eaten in the past 48 hours she still in taking a little bit of liquid that we syringe into her mouth. It was a huge surprise to Edgar and I that at midnight last night she got "chatty". Yes, she talked actually words from 12am to 7am. Some were actual conversations with you most were kind of out there. She talked to her sister...who thanks to Redd has been sleeping in her own bed...she talked to the fish...she talked about things I was to exhausted to understand. Until she said she was scared to die then I told her how wonderful Heaven would be. How God, her grandmother and all her great grandparents would be waiting for her...then it was back to out there talk. By 7am she had worn herself out and went to sleep. When she woke back up she was back to being non responsive. We are taking time to say thank you to everyone for all their support during this journey. Without you all this would be so much harder to bear but we have learned that no matter how bad our situation is it could be worse. We have all of you behind us while many families going through similar situations have no one. So once again thank you.

Much love,
Roni

The end draws near

I don't know how else to say this except brief and to the point. Natalia is now non-responsive and they have told not us to give her anything but her morphine. She can only squeeze your hand occasionally to let you know she hears you still. We sit by her and read to her and talk. Her breathing has changed and is more infrequent. She is slipping away from us more and more. I can't seem to get through an hour without crying. Sophia knows that sissy is dying and is jealous that sissy will have wings and be able to fly. She has her very sad moments but between Redd(the puppy) and J keeping her busy she seems to be handling it ok. She went straight in to Natalia tonight to tell her she loved her and missed her but that she knew sissy would be watching her from Heaven so it was ok. I lost it...again.

Much love to you all,
Roni